Step 5

tlcate · Veteran Member

Step 5

gonee · Member

Thank you for sharing that with us. It was one of the most spiritual experience to have done the
5th step with my sponsor. My sponsor had done his 5th step with a priest also. I have done a number of 5th steps with my sponsees and I take them through the same route. In May this year I worked with over 15 people at a retreat over a weekend. I found that many alcoholics have common problems and once they are resolved these, life becomes easy to live.

Jerry F · Veteran Member

Aloha tlcate...the painted a great picture including having your sponsor expanding
the list to look at. I've not had that happen as an experience and yet
some of it was in my own way I did it. I am grateful for the sponsors
who did what yours did; sit and listen without comment, judgement or
self centeredness. Knowing that HP was in on it made it most important
for me. I blew off alot of people when I was in my drinking days and
beyond. I just didn't care alot about others one way or the other but I
did have a special place for my HP regardless of how I was living. The
5th allowed me to say I can now admit to what you already know and I'm
ready to stop it. My last 5th step contained just one word; "Ego" the tap
-root nature of all of my defects.

I wanna hear more so hope the MIP fellowship will indulge that desire.

(((((hugs)))))

hotrod · Guru

Hi Family

I have done a number of 5 th steps and can remember that the first was anything but fearless or complete. My sponsor urged me to begin and to note that the step states"Admitted to " That actually indicated that I already knew what I needed to speak about, that it was right below the surface and all I need to do was to release the denial that I had used to keep it buried and let it float to the surface so I could speak about it.

Yes I had indulged in all the 7 deadly sins some how I could own them and admit them, as they were human and being catholic I was use to confession. I found that the drives for these "sins"were hard to admit but Much to my surprise these drives did become clear , as I spoke.

The exact nature of my wrongs became evident .

Number one and most important was:

My anger and resentment toward my HP because I felt I did not get what I deserved in life> In retrospect, with my alanon glasses of gratitude, I see I had such an abundance but did not appreciate all the goodness I had. This was a huge defect on my part.

Number 2 Exact nature of my wrongs

I really wanted to be a princess. I did not want to do anything . I wanted to have everyone else do things I wanted to be in control, judge them, criticism them but I did not want to risk my self on ANYTHING.

The third wrong was I could not ./ would not trust anyone because I was afraid of being hurt and not getting what I needed and wanted.

The 4 th big driver was my "pride" I always thought I was a humble compassionate person but I discovered that was a "smoke screen" to manipulate people to get what I wanted. I did not feel loving or compassionate to people, I pretended much of my goodness.

5 th wrong I hated being human I wanted to be perfect, never make a mistake and always be perfect In other words I wanted to be God.

That was enough for my first attempt and after working this step with my sponsor, praying about it , the freedom I felt was unbelievable. For the first time in my life I had given myself permission to be human and it was wonderful. I did not have to be perfect. I could struggle, make mistakes, stumble, try succeed and experience life on life's terms What a gift.

I have done many other 4 th and 5 th steps but this experience was the most profound. I urge everyone to continue working these truly amazing tools to recovery.

Thank you for letting me share

maresie · Member

I am still in the process of working on this. One realisation I had recently is the core of the people pleasing was about that I hated myself. Whatever small crumb I could get from others was about trying to have the minimum of attention to stay alive. I can't really have resentment towards others about what I called the meager amount they gave me. I only gave myself self hate to toxic proportions.

I think I was desperately in need of trying to control others precisely because I felt so out of control myself.

maresie.

Dave Harm · Veteran Member

AA's Fifth Step

By the time the fourth step is completed, I was at a crossroads. It would be my final chance to run away and forget about recovery, or use the tools I now had at my disposal and plunge into a new world.

I had built a foundation with the first three steps and by surrendering I had found a relationship with a Higher Power, whom I choose to call God. It was through this relationship that I found the strength to honestly do step four.

But now I needed to go one step further. I had to admit my wrongs to another human being. For the first time in my life I would have to be totally honest with someone else. No stories, no games, and no excuses. The purpose of step five would be to admit to my wrongs and only my wrongs.

If I completed this step it would be the death of my alcoholic lifestyle. The secrets would be exposed and the power they had - gone! It could only be accomplished because of my trust in God. And with that trust, He would guide me to a human being who would listen to my story.

It would be an opportunity for me to unload the negative aspects of my moral inventory and to release myself from the nagging feelings of guilt that were stuck to me for such a long time.

I didn't jump into this step half-heartily. I looked at my new relationships with many different people. I considered my AA sponsor, a couple of different pastors, and some AA folk. But the more I thought about it there was really only one choice. It was my counselor - Becky Cowman.

Becky had been with me from day one. She had seen me at my worse. I had seen her before I ever went to an AA meeting. More then a counselor she had become a true friend. Though I knew by telling her my fifth step, she would be obligated to tell the courts of any criminal behavior from my past. I decided to trust God and my own instincts.

My fifth step lasted for five hours. Through it all Becky just listened. She never questioned me or judged me. I had made a good decision, Becky just listened. And by her listening, I too, was able to listen.

For the first time in my life I spoke out loud, the wrongs I had done. For the first time in my life, I didn't justify any of those actions, I just acknowledged them. For the first time in my life there were no excuses.

My successful completion of the fifth step came about because of God. God gave me the tools to get to this point. He gave me good friends through AA. He gave me support through my job. He gave me a counselor, whom I felt comfortable talking with. And amazingly, He threw me into a court system, which I first feared, but over time, they too, gave me strength.

After the fifth step was done, I was numb and in shock. Part of me died that day and while I still feared the future, the process of forgiving myself for the past had begun.

Many addicts who relapse point to their failure to rigorously complete a fourth and fifth step. If nothing is held back, the emotional strength that is gained from completing the fifth step will bring you closer to your Higher Power. And closer to discovering the strengths and goodness which God has stored in you.

Trusting Ourselves

a step into the unknown
a step into an... experience
with the new and unexplored
with a Being... I couldn't comprehend
nor quite understand

with uncertainty around feelings
was told to... trust
easier said then done
against everything I stood for
against everything I practiced

a way of life... had to die
so a new way... could begin
I had to trust... first my Friend
and His guidance...
to help with my instincts

a choice had to be made
the biggest choice...
in early recovery
to tell another human
the nature of my wrongs

to talk... for the first time
honestly and openly
with no excuses... or reasons
why friendships were ruined
and love destroyed

didn't know what to expect
but if instincts were correct
He would be... by my side
giving me strength and courage
to let it all go

more importantly though
He would also...
be by the other person's side
when done... acceptance
love and forgiveness
would light the way

Dave Harm · Veteran Member

The Fifth Step of CODA

When I finally reached the fifth step of AA, I had reached a point where I needed to share my evil past with a living, breathing human being. I needed to acknowledge my past, accept responsibility for it and find hope for the future. I don't mean for this to sound self-centered but the fifth step of AA was entirely about me.

I mention this because the fifth step of AA would be a lot easier taking - than the fifth step of CODA. With AA everything was about my defects of character and while the fifth step of CODA would list these same defects of character. The only way for me to do this fifth step was to involve another person - the person I was addicted too.

For me to say that I was irresponsible was easy but having to show how I was irresponsible was more difficult. An example would be that the person I was addicted to was caught stealing and barred from a store. I made stories up about why we didn't shop in that store anymore. In fact, the story grew to the point that it was my fault we didn't shop there anymore.

My point is that by doing the fifth step of CODA I was finally letting go of every secret that kept me from being the person I was meant to be. I believe with every fiber in my body that every alcoholic and every addict is a co-dependent.

And for recovery to move forward this issue must be dealt with. For the co-dependent that means not only dealing with the guilt but going deeper by dealing with the shame. Early in my recovery, I was introduced to an author who changed my life. His name is John Bradshaw who recently celebrated his 42nd year of sobriety.

Bradshaw was the one who taught me the difference between shame and guilt. I had a lot of guilt for the things I did, but it was the shame that led to my co-dependency issues. With guilt, I knew I made a mistake. And I also knew I could correct it. But shame was deeper. With shame, I believed I was a mistake. There was no way for me "to feel better", because I was no good.

It was because of shame that I constantly sought approval of others, even at the risk of damaging myself.

But that would begin to change when I did my fifth step. I began to realize that I wasn't a bad person. It was my addiction and co-dependency that made me make horrible choices. By completing the fifth step I knew how sick I was. I knew that I had a disease, which I could manage, with the help of my Higher Power, one day at a time. There isn't any chance at a saner tomorrow without dealing with our past. Serenity begins to enter our life after the fifth step. By telling the truth to another human being, we experience true humility for the first time. With this humility came spirituality and a new sense of purpose.

By recognizing my co-dependency I began the lifelong practice of self-love. Love is a choice. And up to this point I chose not to love myself.

Desperate For Love

admitting to myself was easy
admitting to God... a little harder
admitting to another human being
nearly impossible

admitting to alcoholism was easy
compared to surrendering
a human goddess
whose wish was my command

the lying... the stories
done out of love...
a sick dysfunctional need
constantly seeking your approval

until more lies were needed
to cover the lies already told
lying to others was bad enough
but it got worse

I lied to myself
my eyes didn't see
what I thought they saw
couldn't tell the truth from the lie

my heart was broken
my soul destroyed
all because of a sick need
to find love... any love

tlcate · Veteran Member

Thank you for your shares, everyone. How powerful.

Dave, you made me cry. You put into words what I could never express.

Shame . . . wow - I never knew. I will go find Mr. Bradshaw's writings.

Thank you.

Yours in recovery,

Tricia

Learn how the 12 Steps work. Participate in your own recovery as well as the recovery of others, by being active on this board as we go through the 12 Steps of recovery together! We discuss each of the Twelve Steps In the order they are written, one step at a time, every two weeks.