Hello Grainne,

For me, the most important part of step 4 was honesty.  Not with my sponsor, not with my spouse, not with my HP - but myself.  I had to wipe away the denial and look at my resentments and my part in them and not the stories I usually tell myself so I was never wrong.  My sponsor made me add the 7 deadly sins as additional columns which really left me no where to hide.  It was fantastic.  Some folks just do a really quick one and other do a very thorough one.  I went back as far as I could remember.  I called friends and family to complete stories I did not fully recall.  I dug up and turned over many stones.  Some of it was difficult to swallow - but I wouldn't change a thing.  For me, if I was not honest with myself, I was wasting my time.  How I had it laid out on the paper - how long it took - those things didn't matter. 

I don't know what program you are working, but here is a bit about the 4th step from the Big Book of AA.

--start--

Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was Step Four. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the trut h about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.

We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly . First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principle with who we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self- esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships, (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were "burned up." On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambi tions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with? We were usually as definite as this example:

 

I'm resentful at:	The Cause	Affects my:
Mr. Brown	His attention to my wife. Told my wife of my mistress. Brown may get my job at the office .	Sex relations Self-esteem (fear) Sex-relations Self-esteem (fear) Security Self-Esteem (fear)
Mrs Jones	She's a nut - she snubbed me. She committed her husband for drinking. He's my friend. She's a gossip.	Personal relationship. Self-esteem (fear)
My employer	Unreasonable - Unjust - Overbearing - Threatens to fire me for drinking and padding my expense account.	Self-esteem (fear) Security .
My wife	Misunderstands and nags. Likes Brown. Wants house put in her name.	Pride - personal sex relations - Security (fear)

We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong w as as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As i n war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenanc e and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tole rance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tr ied to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.

Notice that the word "fear" is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existe nce was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.

We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.

Perhaps there is a better way, we think so. For we are now on a different basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do a s we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity .

We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have cour age. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.

Now about sex. Many of needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry th at sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation.

Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They s ee its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test -was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers we re God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other p roblem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.

God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.

Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our ex perience.

To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think o f their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.

If we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot. We have listed and analyzed our resentments. We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people. We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can.

In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.

 

--end--

For me, working with a sponsor was invaluable.  If you are working on your own, the format ultimately is going to be up to you. 

Tricia


-- Edited by tlcate on Monday 13th of December 2010 03:20:11 PM

Hello Failte,

So very glad it was helpful.  The fourth step was life changing for me.  I lived in the past, in my mistakes.  I lived them over and over in my mind and they defined who I was.  There were a lot of truths I found that I didn't like - but so many I did.  My childhood was not very inspiring and I felt a failure no matter what I did.  The relationship that pushed me into recovery was very demeaning - I had spent 14 years trying to build a life, take care of my child, and gain my self confidence through hard work.  In a couple of years a man walked in and tore every bit of it away.  The tragedy is - I believed him and I let him do it.  I went into the fourth step expecting to find where I was a jezebel, a liar, a cheat, an abuser, and completely unworthy of love.  You know what I found?  I am all of those and none of them.  I am me.  I found I am worthy of respect and love.  I did find some uncomfortable things about myself that I had covered up with denial.  But mostly I found a good person.  Not a GREAT person, I am not in la la and here, but I am no better nor any worse than any other human being.  The fourth step let me drop the unearned guilt from my childhood and all that had awakened in the relationship with the A. 

I used to stress after  e v e r y  single conversation or action I had with others.  I would cover every word said and worry that I was not enough.  This woman whom people described as powerful and inspiring was really just a complete mess inside.

The 4th step was freedom from that.  The fourth step was acceptance and love for myself.  I finally stepped up to the mirror and took a look.  I am not a saint.  Shoot - I've done a whole pile of really stupid things, hurt a lot of people, and was not the most morally upstanding person in the world.  But I looked myself in the eyes and fell in love with me - all of me - warts and all.  And now that I see those warts I can work on them.

Here are the 7 sins:


* Lust

* Gluttony

* Greed

* Laziness

* Wrath

* Envy

* Pride

Good luck with your 4th step.  It is so utterly scary.  And it is so fantastically revealing if you truly listen and don't judge.

tlc


-- Edited by tlcate on Tuesday 14th of December 2010 04:03:10 AM

Thank you for this Tricia!

hi sunflower

i was also abused as a child and suffer from anxiety, depression, and PTSD as a result, so understand how difficult this must be for you, and the pain attached, just sending you positive vibes and hugs,

failte

Hello,
I just read a few of your posts on step 4.  I thank you.  This is an outstanding thoughtful post.  I am quite sure that you are headed into the right direction.
Equally, you are directing others in the right direction.  Its true, there are people out there that cannot possibly be as deep as you are, nor as thorough, but I think they get the idea.
Without a good personal inventory, its quite hard to get to the next step.  It may seem overwhelming, but if one can just simplify a bit even though things run through their heads, it might be best...In other words you dont have to explain anything to anyone, just tell that person "Im sorry". 
Your higher power knows your heart better than anyone.

Blessings to you. Keep writing!  Your good at it.

Thank you for the outline... it puts things into perspective for me in a new light. Bless you all!