In doing my inventory, I realize that I want to design my life but their not based on upon what others want for themselves and for me at times.  One out of 3 sons are doing well.  The other one is in jail and I  am mutually estranged from the other son. I had such high aspirations for them, and I feel I was let down.  Being a single parent, I could have done better (was drinking at the time).  I drank because I was sad and depressed.  I also wanted things to go my way.  No matter whether they went well or badly, I drank. 

Now I realize I'm doing the same thing with this marriage.  Husband has PTSD and depression and is on disability retirement.  He spends money like water and never planned for retirement.  He also never has ever put "us" into a sentence unless it benefits him.  I want him to save money and not let the house disentigrate due to lack of repairs.  I want him to think of us and not think I'm always here to save the day.  Why am I always someone's plan B? Who's there for me? No one.  I have to be there for myself no matter what.  That is what I have to humble myself to accept.  No one is going to be there for me but me.  The life I planned was a fairytale and there is no happy ending as far as my family is concerned.   

I am powerless over what kind of people I have for family.

I am powerless over making them be anything else than they are. 

I must be humble to see that things are bad, but I dont need to make them worse than they are.  I'm working on that.

I need to have God (my HP) remove these defects and have faith that all is well and will be well no matter what my husband does or does not do.  

It hurts. I'm depressed.  Trying to work myself out of it.  Didn't realize how deep it goes.  Cuts right to the chase.