Step 3 - Adult Children of Alcoholics

JamesCT · Senior Member

Step 3 - Adult Children of Alcoholics

ASpaceOdyssey · Newbie

My HP: I turned my life over to Jesus. Jesus is the one who suffered the little children, healed the sick, scolded the disciples for being mean, died on the cross for me, maybe was in love with Mary Magdalene. He was tempted, he got fed up, he was betrayed, he had to regroup, he took naps, he got mad and had a revoltuion in the temple and overthrew some moneychangers' tables. Jesus is my shepard and comfort and a whole host of other things. God is too remote and perfect for me to be able to relate to especially in this recovery journey. I know Jesus is walking with me every step, in fact, more so than I ever have felt him before. Turning My Will OVER: Somehing has happened to my will for anything, to be perfectly honest. I've gotten incredibly lazy and lethargic. I am very concerened that I am substituting the concept of "God will provide" (which I believe to be true) for taking concrete action steps to head toward some goals. Surely, there must be a distinction between me putting myself in the care of God and just being lazy. Be that as it may, I have chosen Jesus' way. Period. That unequivical commitment is already changing my life, my heart, and my relationships. Now I am seeking Jesus' help in healing the inner child, reparenting myself, changing behaviors, and putting me on a Jesus track so that I can do what I'm supposed to be doing. Sooner rather than later--Jesus-turbo--is always my prayer request. :)

-- Edited by ASpaceOdyssey on Wednesday 28th of December 2011 01:58:55 AM

-- Edited by ASpaceOdyssey on Wednesday 28th of December 2011 02:00:27 AM

JamesCT · Senior Member

Questions from the Yellow Notebook:

Did I pray to a Higher Power and never seem to have prayers answered?
What was I told about God by my parents, religious leaders, and friends? Was I allowed to ask questions?
If I drew a picture of God or the Devine Power of the Universe, what would it look like?
What was I told about prayer by parents, religious leaders, and friends?
Was it acceptable for me to be angry at a Higher Power?
Did my parents act one way during worshiping services and another way at home?
How does my attempt to control others or my emotions interfere with God working in my life? (Give a specific example.)

ASpaceOdyssey · Newbie

1.Did I pray to a Higher Power and never seem to have prayers answered.

My faith in the power of prayer to effect actual change has been weak, and so I have not been a faithful pray-er. I am working on that. when I have prayer, it's been "nick of time" prayers, usually in the midst of some chaos I have caused with my rage. Truthfully, I am in the process of taking my fearless moral inventory, and weak faith is one area for repentence and improvement.

2.What was I told about God by my parents, religious leaders, and friends? Was I allowed to ask questions?

I was pretty much allowed to go my own way, we had some structure at some points in my life with various demoniations, but I really latched onto one particular non-denominational church in my teens and was a regular participant in the youth activities. That was entirely my decision and religious angst was never part of my upbringing. My dad was always happy to pretty let me choose my own course, religion included. I remember going to Bible camp at about age 8, and when they called for kids to come forth and be born again in the spirit, I went up, even though this is a memory that has only resurfaced. I think that I have always belonged to God, and this initial pledge pulled me back from the brink many times, even though I didn't realize it.

3.If I drew a picture of God or the Devine Power of the Universe, what would it look like?

Well, Jesus is close to me, God is more "up there."

4.What was I told about prayer by parents, religious leaders, and friends?

Nothing really.

5.Was it acceptable for me to be angry at a Higher Power?

I never even thought of God in terms of dealing with my childhood, either as a child or as an adult. I don't even identify anger as an emotion I expressed as a child. I was totally dissociated from any feelings at all other than surviving.

6.Did my parents act one way during worshiping services and another way at home?

Sunday service was an activity to go to that was viewed as a good thing. Once the hour was over, it was back to "normailty."

7.How does my attempt to control others or my emotions interfere with God working in my life? (Give a specific example.)

I've talked in here a lot about my experience with this church. I went in very emotionally needy and got no response and then I got angry. It was really only now that I have let go of the situation and adjusted my own feelings and behavior that I can feel God restoring my power and self-confidence. God may be working on the church people and the church too but that's not my problem. I also recognize that God may have or may be using me to accomplish his purposes in the church but again that's not up to me. I am finding that with serenity, the channels of communication to God are eay-flowing, like a gentle stream burbling along. My will, my anger, my emotions are like big boulders that dam up that flow. I've never really understood that, but now I do. Now I'll remember this lesson forever. That is prayer at work. God grant me theserenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Ah ha.

-- Edited by ASpaceOdyssey on Sunday 1st of January 2012 11:18:58 PM

JamesCT · Senior Member

Did I pray to a Higher Power and never seem to have prayers answered?
No. My Higher Power and I have been on good terms.
What was I told about God by my parents, religious leaders, and friends? Was I allowed to ask questions?
There wasn't much deep discussion of God. I asked questions because that's what I do.
If I drew a picture of God or the Divine Power of the Universe, what would it look like?
Sunlight beaming through clouds.
What was I told about prayer by parents, religious leaders, and friends?
Not much. I read about prayer in the King James bible.
Was it acceptable for me to be angry at a Higher Power?
Not much attention was paid to my thoughts about a Higher Power. I kept that in my head.
Did my parents act one way during worshiping services and another way at home?
No, mostly because my parents rarely attended services.
How does my attempt to control others or my emotions interfere with God working in my life? (Give a specific example.)
Just in the general sense of trying to make things happen instead of letting things happen. Can't think of an example at the moment. If I do, I'll come back to this.

LindaO · Veteran Member

AGain, Thankyou James for your hard work

I was brought up with basic Christianity as it was taught at sunday school and at primary school in those days. As an older child (9ish) I was taken to Pentacostal church where the devil was banished from bodies and people spoke in tongues etc. As an older teenager I found my way to a Youth Group with the open Bretheren and that was cool. I became a Christian. My parents followed me to that church and I didn't like it. My Dad went to AA and Mum to Al Anon when I was 8 so I have always had the ideal of the HP as I understand him to be acceptable also.
I have always harboured more 'metaphysical' beliefs on spirituality and now I hold faith in my Higher Power as being the collective energies of the Universe. I do not follow one religion as such.

Did I pray to a Higher Power and never seem to have prayers answered?

Yes, many many times. I prayed that the hurt would stop, and things would get better. I prayed to what I believed then to be a 'god' as such. The traditional bible type God. For me..... it did not work out so well. Looking back though, I see that a HP has had me in his hand for alot of my youth. When my baby daughter died, I could no longer believe that a God would do that to me... it was a hard time for me and faith.

What was I told about God by my parents, religious leaders, and friends? Was I allowed to ask questions?

Basically I went to Sunday school, my parents said they were Christian and believed in God as such. I don't really remember asking questions as a child. As a teenager I asked lots of questions at Youth Group and found most of them were answered with "you just have to have faith". It didn't do it for me. At pentacostal church I cried one time because I was so scared of what was going on around me, people flopping about on the floor etc, the man came and laid his hands on my heads and said the devil was leaving this child!!!! I was petrified!!!! I didn't ask questions after that, but I thought.. wow.. is the devil in me???

If I drew a picture of God or the Devine Power of the Universe, what would it look like?
It is pure vibrational energy. I guess its for me I picture like an ozone layer????

What was I told about prayer by parents, religious leaders, and friends?
To do so. Prayer they said will let you talk to God. I am not sure about 'prayer' in the traditional sense, I now more believe in the meditative connection as opposed to prayer. For me it seemed that prayer implied asking for something... I have nothing that I should be asking the 'all knowing' for, I just have to allow the energy to come to me and I will be told without asking.

Was it acceptable for me to be angry at a Higher Power?
I am not really sure. I remember blaming God ALOT when I was younger. I never got what I wanted. I think it was ok to say I was angry at God, but I was always told you will see that there is a good that will come out of this bad. I guess they were right.

Did my parents act one way during worshiping services and another way at home?
Ohh this is the doozy for me.
My Dad and Mum fought like cats and dogs. Even when he was in AA he was a dry drunk for soooooo long. They would literally be screaming at each other in the car in the car park of the church and then get out all smiles. They thought no one noticed. Dad woudl sit there all hollier than thou and have his face and hands upturned to accept Jesus during hyms... Mum woudl be curled up behind the toilet cystern in the ladies crying and rocking. People would come and get me from my friends to go and assist her. Just thinking about how hypocritical he was makes me feel so mad. If he was such a Christian, why was he such a "jerk" to my Mum???

How does my attempt to control others or my emotions interfere with God working in my life? (Give a specific example.)
Perfect example last night. My husband smoked pot yesterday (his drug of choice) and I got a bit annoyed about it last night. I woke up at 4am with thoughts about it screaming in my head. Lots of if's and but's and inventory taking (me taking his of course), and the "I should say this" to him to "make him realise" etc etc etc.
I stopped myself and just started saying the serenity prayer. I am comfortable iwth the work God now. NOthing I do or say will change anything about his pot smoking. It is what it is. I can't control it and I will accept that and I will hand it over to the power of the universe again. I didn't go back to sleep but I just kept repeating the SErenity prayer over and over.

WRiting this out has made me realise that I have been involved with a HP most of my life. Even when I was arguing wtih the concept of God in the traditional sense, and playing with other religions. During the time I really hated God and would not even say the word, I lived with a Hare Krishna.... The universe has had me in its palm all this time.........
I have to keep reminding myself about this step I think.

llbrunner · Member

Did I pray to a Higher Power and never seem to have prayers answered?

Yes...I prayed every night for the same thing and it never happened. I think I stopped praying for awhile after that but that was when I was very young. I have tried to pray over the last several years and I don't know how. I get distracted, I feel like I'm always asking for something and that's not what I want to do. For example, I always used to pray to God to keep my family safe and that everyone would stay healthy and then I would bad for only incuding MY family and I would say, ok, well, please keep everyone safe and by that point my prayers didn;t even make sense becuaes its a fact of life that not everyone will be healthy and certainly not forever! Clearly, I need to work on "praying".

2. What was I told about God by my parents, religious leaders, and friends? Was I allowed to ask questions?

I only went to church with my mom while she made my sister and me go (until about 15 or 16). My father boycotted church - he was either not home Sunday morings anyway or too hung over. I did go to Sunday School and I recall church being a nice place but also someplace we didn't belong just like everywhere else we went. My father was never there...as usual, just like family functions and recitals, etc. I could feel my mother's embarassment too...and it broke my heart for her...for us. In any event, I do believe I had the opportunity to ask questions but we didn't really discuss religion in my house other than going to church. We went to church but I just don't recall feeling that it was really a part of our family...b/c our family wasn't really so much of a family.

If I drew a picture of God or the Devine Power of the Universe, what would it look like?

I imagine a beautiful large softly rippled lake, under a rising sun in a clear blue sky with a huge mountain range between the sky and lake with white caps on the moutains. Very majestic and beautiful

What was I told about prayer by parents, religious leaders, and friends?

I don't recall being told anything about prayer.

Was it acceptable for me to be angry at a Higher Power?

I don't recall knowing this as a child but I recall my mother saying once taht when her mother passed away the priest told her that it was ok for her to be angry at God..that "He can take it". i liked the sound of that.

Did my parents act one way during worshiping services and another way at home?

Well...I guess this is true of my mother. We all acted like we were happy - but, of course, we weren't.

How does my attempt to control others or my emotions interfere with God working in my life? (Give a specific example.)

If I believe that a HP has a plan for me (and there are times when I do) then all the work I try to do to control outcomes to stop anxiety or pain or lonliness surely get in the way of me ever overcoming these vices. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to just let go adn let God...I want that freedom, I want that peace! It it just so hard for me to do.

mdkm0726 · Newbie

1.Did I pray to a Higher Power and never seem to have prayers answered?
I surely did in my head when things were bad in my home. There was a lot of child physical abuse. I'd cry and pray.

2. What was I told about God by my parents, religious leaders, and friends? Was I allowed to ask questions?

No, we were living in kaos. We were just all trying to survive in a confusing world. Everyone had their part to play but no one understood the game and how much it would cost all of us throughout our lives.

3.If I drew a picture of God or the Divine Power of the Universe, what would it look like?
Now, I see a vast array of beatiufuls colors...it's peaceful and serene.

4.What was I told about prayer by parents, religious leaders, and friends?
I went to bible school 1 summer but we didn't continue so we didn't learn much. I became hopeful though. I wanted there to a loving god and wanted him to be in my life.

5.Was it acceptable for me to be angry at a Higher Power?
I didn't feel angry...i felt very needy of his love and grace and kept trying to connect. I deperately wanted this god and life.

6.Did my parents act one way during worshiping services and another way at home?
No, mostly because my parents rarely attended services.

7.How does my attempt to control others or my emotions interfere with God working in my life? (Give a specific example.)
I guess originally before alanon I thought I was doing his will. I was the good one in the family. The fixer and took care of everyones needs...so I thought. With the help of this program I have finally connected with my HP. He has a plan and I listen to his clues, be still and not interfere with his plans. I accept his love and understanding and feel serenity with his presence in my life today.

Wulfenia · Member

1.Did I pray to a Higher Power and never seem to have prayers answered?

Yes, as a child I used to pray to the angels of God. I can remember the text of the prayer but not if they ever answered or not.

2.What was I told about God by my parents, religious leaders, and friends? Was I allowed to ask questions?

Atheism was coming on vogue back than, the communistic system did not allow space for the religion. My parents told me that there is nothing up there but we had to go to church because my grandother wanted us to.

3.If I drew a picture of God or the Devine Power of the Universe, what would it look like?

It would be a very calm, silent painting.

4.What was I told about prayer by parents, religious leaders, and friends?

From my family's point of view it was all very clear: stupid people believed in God and prayed, intelectuals like us were clever and knew that there is no God and that when we die we are dead. Yet we payed the church fees and celebrated christmas and easter.

5.Was it acceptable for me to be angry at a Higher Power?

I don't think anyone cared if I got angry and with whom. I remember I was told that life was a punishment. Mine felt like one anyway...

6.Did my parents act one way during worshiping services and another way at home?

The church I used to visit as a child had 2 balconies, the right one for boys the left one for girls. I cannot remember how my parents behave, I remember they sometimes went out to the next bar to have a coffee. Orthodox worshiping services are very long!

7.How does my attempt to control others or my emotions interfere with God working in my life? (Give a specific example.)

I guess my relapses and my crises make me turn my face to the Higher Power and work on the relation ship with it. The moment I start feling safe I go back to my old pattern of thinking and living. Until I fall again.

KarenKB · Member

Hi everyone I am a grateful Adult Child, a 43yr 12 stepper of Al Anon, who is on a whole new journey through the ACoA and the steps. I am so grateful to have found a place that I can finally work through total recovery. I am to reach 71 years in a few days, its about time for me to find what life truly is for "normal" people? lol.

1-I always got my prayers answered. I was in a family of preachers and such and I was of the belief I was a horrible sinner, a bastard of birth, and no chance of being better. My prayers then at 4 years and older as I remember, were please bless everyone and let them all go to heaven. I am not worthy to go there cause I am so much a bad kid. :D

2-My grand step aunt was the final word. My grandmother her echo. We didn't discuss religion cause too many would be loud and the ones with hang overs (my mother for one) would be cursing more than some of the drunken sailors would do. So any questions I had were kept to myself.

3-My picture of my Higher Power, I choose to call God, would be a George Burns look alike. My reason for that comes from the many times I have heard AA pitches on HPs and the most personable HP I have developed a close relationship with would talk to me like George Burns would! Besides I loved George and Gracie. So I grew up with that image ever available, as God is for me. I have been given a sense of humor and I believe a Higher Power we all work with needs a sense of humor too!

4-Prayer was mixed, too many times they were done by the leaders of the church or a group or class I was in. I learned to pray at the side of my bed from pictures in books or Norman Rockwell works possibly too. I learned the Our Father, catholic version and that was my prayer by rote, but often I did some God blesses. My prayers were not answered then, but just recently I know of one I made when I was very young, from a song of "Old Shep" I told my gramma that I wanted a Old Shep dog someday. I prayed for one. She passed away just ten days ago at eighteen and a half human years. So prayers are answered.

5-I had to learn about being angry through being humorous with God. My favorite was a guy in recovery who was sharing his series of dead battery, wreck on bridge, copy machine went cablooey, and a flat tire on the freeway.... he said, "Ok God keep it up I am liable to get used to this!" lol. That was my invitation to lament about the stuff and then laugh about the stuff.

6-My parents were themselves always. I tried to leave at 13 and finally made it at 17 by getting married. I have been doing my best to try to do the good they did and not the other things. Well my disease progressed and I did them all. I am in the best recovery now so I can change and make amends to myself and my two children. My parents did not impact me in this subject.

7-I was the one who took control when I got older to keep from being abandoned and sometimes it worked. Most of the time people ran from me and broke the three minute mile to do it. Today I am in a relationship that is really awesome for me. He will not let me control or manipulate! And I see he tries to do the same with me. I let him cause his inventory is his baby not mine, but I gently decline on things that are important to me. He is wise he figures it out. We have a good relationship and control is the way to kill it. I prefer to have it.

thank you for sharing and for letting me share also.

llbrunner · Member

James - When you wrote "read God as Higher Power if God is an issue for you." where can I find "God as a Higher Power"? Is that in the red book? Thanks!

JamesCT · Senior Member

llbrunner wrote:
James - When you wrote "read God as Higher Power if God is an issue for you." where can I find "God as a Higher Power"? Is that in the red book? Thanks!

The sentence "Read God as Higher Power if God is an issue for you" was not a reference to a book called God as Higher Power. What I was trying to say was "If the word 'God' in the step is a problem for you, substitute the words 'Higher Power' instead." Sorry for any confusion.

2back1fwd · Newbie

because i am slow, im working this step today because i do feel like step two has been ~dissolved~ or whatever.. i believe a HP exists.. choosing to follow.. different story.

my moms parents were catholic... by apperances.. grandmother sometimes went to mass and say things like "if god is within i hope he likes mexican food".. god was never discussed. I always got the feeling god was very judgmental and i had to be "careful" about everything i said and did. nobody nobody nobody talked about god.

as an adult i became very angry at this god. i loooooooved saying gdit on aregular basis. very hostile, defensive, angry, bitter, depressed. i hated that god and its taken me a long time to be willing to see/feel something different. i never want to go back to that god... so that is progress...

all the questions to the workbook were no or nothing. the last question--

7. How does my attempt to control others or my emotions interfere with God working in my life? (Give a specific example.)

my emotions seem to be my god right now. i dont want to feel things/i avoid going through the pain so i do things to avoid having them. i avoid people to avoid emotions, i guess its a passive way of controlling. (hate hearing that)

specific example--avoiding family functions. not answering texts that make me uncomfortable. deleting people from facebook. im trying not to exist, like i know i dont in their eyes.

if i were to really take this step i would stop my cycle of avoiding/being wallpaper and actually talk to them. i know its pointless on one hand b/c they wont change/wont listen/dont care etc, but i am still having a powerless life.. if that made sense..

ifer924 · Newbie

JamesCT wrote:
Questions from the Yellow Notebook:
Did I pray to a Higher Power and never seem to have prayers answered? Yes, I prayed my parents wouldn't yell, wouldn't drink, wouldn't embarrass me - they are still drunk. I remember wishing for these things as early as elementary school and I am 30 now.
What was I told about God by my parents, religious leaders, and friends? Was I allowed to ask questions?My mom is catholic but drunk and not active, my Dad encouraged questioning but was no example of religion. I've always described myself as spiritual not religious - faith in what the bible says being true has always been a challenge for me though I know there is a power greater then I.
If I drew a picture of God or the Devine Power of the Universe, what would it look like? I picture the clouds - an almighty spirit watching over us.
What was I told about prayer by parents, religious leaders, and friends? I wasn't
Was it acceptable for me to be angry at a Higher Power? I could do want ever I wanted
Did my parents act one way during worshiping services and another way at home? They acted one way outside of the home period and another at home
How does my attempt to control others or my emotions interfere with God working in my life? (Give a specific example.) As a child you learn to control as many aspects as you can to help lessen the pain and fear - I always thought my type A personality was a plus, all-knowing, all controlling an asset. Now as I'm learning this process I realize that I created so much inner turmoil for myself because I have tried to control even things that are impossible and then am sicked or disappoint when things don't happen as expected. For example it is very hard for me to make friends as an adult - if they do not agree with me on certain issues I do not want to be friends with them as it is a waste of my time, if I can not convince them I am right then they are not to my standard in their beliefs.

countrygirl · Member

1. Did I pray to a Higher Power and never seem to have prayers answered?
Yes I have prayed to a higher power and my prayers have gone unanswered.

2. What was I told about God by my parents, religious leaders, and friends? Was I allowed to ask questions?
My parents were not religious and did not attend church in fact I was not baptized. I always felt like less of a person because I was not baptized. As I was growing up I can remember going to various churches with family and friends almost like I was looking for somewhere to belong but never did find my place. When I was a young mother I contacted a church about having my child baptized and was told that I would need to attend classes and be baptized first before having my child baptized and it all just seemed to be too much work so it didnt happen. I was never discouraged from asking questions I just cannot remember spirituality being important.

3. If I drew a picture of God or the Devine Power of the Universe, what would it look like?
To me it looks like a brilliant yellow light in which I see hope.

4. What was I told about prayer by parents, religious leaders, and friends?
I dont recall being told anything about prayer by my parents but from outside sources yes. I remember being told that you needed to ask the lord into your heart to be saved or whatever so I did. I remember wanting to be spiritual as a child but dot really remember where any of this came from. I do feel like it came from feeling like an outsider because my friends and extended family attended church and Sunday school and things like that and I was not included in this. I do remember going to Sunday School and a Church Camp with my best friend from elementary school.

5. Was it acceptable for me to be angry at a Higher Power?
Tough question. If a higher power means the lord I would say that I was not encouraged or discouraged. If a higher power means my parents, adults, etc. I dont believe it was acceptable for me to express negative emotion in any way. I remember being told things like cowgirls dont cry and having a general desire to not make waves.

6. Did my parents act one way during worshiping services and another way at home?
My parents did not attend worshipping services BUT I know that I have an opinion about religious people being hypocrites because of gossip and attitudes in my home town, especially Catholic people because they go to church and act like they are perfect but outside of church they are the ones that are cheating on their wives, beating their children, etc. Also it seems to me that in organized religion they tend to worship the parts of the bible that fit their agenda where in my opinion you believe in the bible as a whole or not at all.

7. How does my attempt to control others or my emotions interfere with God working in my life? (Give a specific example.)
Because I want behave as I think they should and do what I think they should I tend to try to manipulate others into doing what I think they should. When they dont do what I think they should I get frustrated and upset. I know that I should let go and trust that things will work out as they should. I know that others actions do not reflect on me and that all I can control is my own actions. I struggle with this very much and continue to work on it. I dont have the patience to wait and see what is going to happen, I want to jump in and fix it right away.

A specific example of this is me constantly monitoring my boyfriends email, texts, social media and online banking to ensure he is doing what I think he should be doing and because I am terrified of being hurt and looking like an idiot.

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