STEP 4 ALANON

hotrod · Guru

STEP 4 ALANON

flopadopilus · Veteran Member

I am doing my first fourth step with my sponsor the last few months I am going through a work book with her. I really could relate to you Betty with what you said above about not trusting my feelings and using sarcasm and gossip. I resented so many people and was self righteous and wanted to be above the human condition. I judged others and wanted everything handed to me. I had no patience and it is still a problem for me and I used to have huge tantrums. I was very unrealistic about most things and have had to face myself and grow through some very uncomfortable things to get healthier.

I abondaned myself and didn't take great care of myself and expected others to do it for me. I was not self sufficient financially or mentally. I was lonely! I was always trying to distract myself with other peoples stuff and didn't want to take a deep look inside.

I always refused to accept the world and the pain as it was and wanted to fix it all and expected more of everyone, perfect world sccenario. I saw the pain and suffering of all living creatures and could not accept the concept of "Life ON Life's terms. I have a huge resentments list, anger list and sadness list, I also have a huge gratitude list. Without doing a in depth inventory of my character defects I would not be aware and able to face myself thoroughly. I like me and although I have a lot I am improving, I accept myself today as a struggling human doing the best I can everyday. I have some great qualities also and would consider myself a good person.

Thanks for being so vulnerable to us Betty for the greater good!

Michelle814 · Member

I just redid this step again yesterday. I was feeling some resentments and I benefited greatly from writing them down in the format Betty describes above. I realized that what the resentments really effected was my self esteem. I worry far too much about what people think of me and slowly this character defect is being let go of. Its a free-ing feeling. But like last week I will hear a person is talking about me or does not like me and it bothers me. Once I wrote about it and let go of it I felt as if it was no longer so big anymore. I called my sponsor and talked about it and then I handed it to my HP. I think work wont be so anxiety ridden next week after all. Thanks!

Annali · Newbie

You touched the very core of my step 4 work. I find I cannot get in touch with the finer feelings I should have. Somehow the abuse I suffered have send me into such a spiral of denial that i have killed most finer emotions. I wish I can access a vocabulary of finer nuances of emotions but I simply can't get there. God bless you for your honesty.

Wolfie55 · Member

Thanks Betty. You're even wiser than I originally gave you credit for. I'm glad to know you. As everyone is probably figuring out, my first step four was the one in the Big Book. But I have a Blueprint for progress also and I thought I should do both versions of the step I actually just picked up the big three ring one. The questions are very whats the word I'm looking for....enlightening. I'm not going to talk too much about this step today but I will say this much. This is the work necessary to apply the solution to the problem. I originally thought the problem was alcohol or alcoholism. But having removed both from my life I found that the underlying problem was still there. The character defects, the flaws in my make-up, the anger, the fear, the self-pity, the low self-esteem, feelings of inferiority and inadequacy.....in my other program we call those spiritual sicknesses. Like it or not we have become spiritually sick. Physically and emotionally sick too, but the main problem is our spiritual sickness. These things, these defects, they have cut us off from God and from the sunlight of the spirit. And if we don't get rid of them they will keep us blocked. But you can't get help for a problem unless you know what the problem is. Imagine taking your car to the mechanic and when he asks whats wrong you say I don't know, the car is broken, fix it. Or going to the doctor and telling him you are feeling bad, just give me some pills. It doesn't work that way. We need to know what the problems are, what defects are blocking us. So we do the inventory. I worked in restaurants. I know how to do an inventory. You look at what you started with, what you used, and what you got left. You also look for items that are helping to improve your business and items that are slowing you down.

My sponsor said there is no right or wrong way to do an inventory, there are lots of helpful guides - I have lots of those - and if you really get stuck, just do what the book says. I jokingly tell my sponcees that it took me three years and 45 minutes to do step four. Three years to think about doing it and 45 minutes to actually do it. Did I do it right? I been sober (and serene) a long time. something must have worked.

-- Edited by Wolfie55 on Monday 9th of April 2012 05:43:23 AM

hotrod · Guru

Thanks Bernie and all who shared

This is a powerful Step and One I try to do at least once a year . I never want ot be as spiritually unconscious as I was when I first started .

Wolfie55 · Member

I find that every time I work the steps with someone I sponsor, I get to do this step again. Plus my home group is a step study group. Always learning.

Peachy219 · Newbie

Thank you all so much for your honesty in sharing your experience, strength and hope.
I especially related to Bernie's share because once I admitted I was an addict, I thought that the drugs were the problem. Just like Bernie, I freed myself from the drugs, but also realized there were underlying causes. My drug use and abuse was just a symptom of a deeper problem. He hit the nail on the head, I have been and still am, spiritualy sick.

Also, thank you Betty, you took the words (and resentments) right out of my mouth.

I also grew up in an alcholic/addict home and learned to interact with others through manipulating, people please-ing, and acting like a selfish busy body in general. I have been extremely selfish and have tried to disguise my selfishness and ulterior motives with false kindness and forced niceness. Only to harbor many resentments, anger and negativity when my methods did not produce my desired results.

I have wasted a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and feeling that I've been treated unfairly. It seems I never ran out of fingers to point to place all the blame for my problems, my anger, my unhappiness, on people and things outside of my control.

I know now that I did this so that I would not have to climb my own great wall of denial and accept responsibility for my actions, thoughts and behaviors. I did not want to do this because as long as I could lie to myself and keep the focus on other people, places and things, I did not have to do any work on myself, I did not have to make any real and difficult changes in my attitude and perspective. But, as others have said, if nothing changes... nothing changes.

It is still sometimes difficult to break free from those old and deeply ingrained bad habits of thinking and feeling, but now that I have a clear head, unpolluted by drugs, and now that I have faith in a higher power as well as the tools and support of my 12 step programs. It is finally getting better.

maresie · Member

Betty: What a wonderful share. I think before I could even get to step 4 I had to get a few boundaries. Being boundaryless was not about just being out there it was also about being out of control in so many ways. I was definitely absolutely out of control around the ex A. He brought me to my knees on so many levels. I never cried so much in my life even in therapy and the kind of rage he triggered in me was very volatile.

I think it took me a long long time to admit that I had any part in it because of course he could goad so very well.

I'm so glad I found this message board and found a way to admit my vulnerability.

maresie.

hotrod · Guru

Dear Maresie

Great share smile Once I found the courage to go within, examing my motives nighly really helped . I would review my days and just try to own what i saw.

Your recovery is vey inspiring

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