Step 8 Alanon

hotrod · Guru

Step 8 Alanon

Jackie11 · Newbie

Officially I have not yet started this step, actually I'm still working on step 1. However, this step is something I did years ago before I ever found this program.

I learned several years ago how important it is to make ammends. I have a friendship that goes back to church nursery. She and I have had some doozys of fights. We've both had to apologize. I almost wasn't in her wedding, because of my jealousy over her life. Fortunately I realized I needed to apologize. 4 years later she was matron of honor in my wedding.

I had to write a letter to my college roommate thanking her for the fact that she protected me from me and loving me when I was unlovable. She is still part of my life and I am thankful. We went several years not speaking and I am so thankful that we reconnected.

I can see where the first person I would need to make amends to is myself. I love this step, even though I haven't officially reached it. They say that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Similarly if you hold onto the hurt and don't work through the ammends that need to be made it hurts you!

I can also understand how sometimes you don't need to reach out to someone, it would only hurt them. Instead just letting go of a past hurt once and for all will suffice in helping you move forward. I can think of one in particular where it was someone I dated and it would benefit neither of us for me to contact him. Instead I let it go and I am mindful of how I can continually be aware of when I need to step up and ask forgiveness, including being mindful of taking care of me.

Thank you.

DavidG · Senior Member

Alanon is 'the mother ship' for me.

I have done the middle steps a number of times...

as the recovery formula changes I look at these again.

I have no wish to repeat them but want 'to fill in the gaps'.

I have done the steps 4 thru 7 face to face, and also using

the 'Blueprint for Progress'

One thing i have found useful and inspiring is a short book

by Claire Leefsma- "Peace Be With Us" This was written for

clarity and for healing after the holocaust.

Afgter a severe and horrific experience of true victimhood

Claire writes and lives a true and telling inventory of her

own conduct, and her own doubts and fears.

I took this from the heart to the heart... a really solid and

truly revealing share...

...not sure where that leaves me. I slip back to steps two and three...

hmmmm.... real food for thought.

-DavidG.

Jerry F · Veteran Member

Step 8 has evolved in the true honesty required by the program and the characteristics of compassion and empathy for others...including others "I" have harmed or helped harm from the past for whatever justification I used at that time. Step 4's requirements are searching, fearless, and moral or the difference between good and bad. Step 8 has me facing "my part in it" only and the people "my part" harmed. I did 8 several times as my inventory memory improved. "All persons" is just that for me...I leave no one out so that there is nothing to trip over in the future if and when a forgotten event comes to the surface. I became willing and then anxious the first step 8 I did; anxious because of fear of judgment, condemnation and other fears that arose from inside my ego and pride; however later on those problems didn't arise again and the anxiety I felt then was the fear of not following thru with my amends on the newfound list of people I had harmed. In time memory will release forgotten past harms...no problem just repeat the process as I have learned it. Not long ago I had that happen...something that I had done as a Sophmore in High School which required the hounds of police to descend upon me and another school partner. What I did was crazy and inexcusable. It was dangerous in that it could have physically harmed others who had no idea what and why it was happening. It hurt the reputation of the private school I was attending and it hurt my parents and family and I was put on probation for 2.5 years until I left school. It gave me a record with the Legal system and while not all of what resulted qualifies it for an 8th step...just the fact that I harmed others does. I did an 8th on it and then followed up with letters to those I had harmed. One responded and one didn't. The one that responded told me that they were able to use it for good and prayed on it. They were grateful for the 8th step also. I won't have to be concerned anymore about this past.

It works when you work it. (((((hugs))))) smile

DavidG · Senior Member

My name is David and i am an ACA and a grateful member of Alanon. I live over here at New Zealand. I was always interested in reovery. The government came in here and built a huge dam. Amongst the construction crews were quite a few AA's. We formed a local Alanon group. My sponsor was a member and her hubby became my co-sponsor. We formed a joint sharing Steps group [which is still going strong]. So I got a good grounding in the steps and traditions.

Inside of the 12 step family we work together to make things work... we look at the many similarities.

Recently someone came in and made a doco about the dam. while on camera I was asked if I had firebombed the information centre some years ago. there were always rumours I had had something to do with is. This was an awful accusation- I had a lot to do with the contruction crews and theor families- bu ta lot of that was anonymous.

I get hooked up in the cycle of blame and shame... I should not feel any responsibility for another person's actions. At the time I was not questioned by the police. They had no neeed to. Beside that I had no idea who had firebombed the facility.

for me recovery is a balancing act... at one time it felt like i was trying to walk a tightrope between tall buildings. Nowadays i picture myself walking a plank six inches off the ground. Not too far to fall!

thanks for the share... aroha-nui.... DavidG

flopadopilus · Veteran Member

1. Me~ I self sabotaged myself and kept myself in unhealthy drama filled relationships so I didn't have to look and deal with myself. Hurt people hurt people and I kept that going towards myself as well.

2. My Mom~ I was a rebellious teenager. I was mean to my Mom verbally trying to get her back for my childhood of being victimized.

3. My daughter's~ I was and am very strict and have done and said things I am not proud of. My oldest is 14 and I am just now feeling some peace and serenity away from her father and hoping the trickle down effect will help, since when I was married to my AH I mostly trickled down frustration and anger to her.

4. My exAH~I have said and done things that were to manipulate control and just lash out at him and am again not proud of it.

5. My ex-in-laws~ I have cut them out of my life for the most part and have minimal contact between them and my kids. I know we had a very unhealthy codependent relationship and I let them and my ex manipulate me and after I decided the marriage was over my mother in law hurt me deeply. I didn't have the tools to do anything other than walk away from them all.

6. My Dad~ I really let him down when I got pregnant at 19 years old and dropped out of college. He had such high hopes for my future and I had attached myself to an A boyfriend and nothing else mattered. He has now passed on and I know he knows all is well with me.

7. I am sure there should be more but as of now this is my list.

DavidG · Senior Member

A lot of people say: 'don't fight city hall'. I have done this a fair bit and slso fought the gummint as well.

i did some good things... I got our local hall and church rebuilt because the old ones were flooded by a man made lake. And other stuff like that.

when the dam people came some of our locals sided with them... mostly they were above water and not really affected- they could see the advantages.

Some conflict is inevitable becaue of my family background i overdid a fair bit. Most of the things i advocated helped the whole community but did little to help me or my family personally.

After sharing this step 8 thing I sent off a letter to put things straight. I folowed it with an email setting out clearly what was worrying me [I don't always do that]

this is quite stressful for me... but i got an email reply this morning. I gave them room to move... they set a new boundary... this was about the firebombing in town years ago. it didn't burn the building down.

City hall said they thought is was students from out of town. Not everyone believed this... they wanted scapegoats- but now it is official.

being an adult child is like playing 500- sometimes I have to play a mazere hand, if you know what I mean.

I feel better today... I feel like now I kin walk round town with my head up and meet people in the eye.

Thanks for being here... thanks to the programme

cheers,

David.

hotrod · Guru

David, Flop, Jackie, Jerry Thanks so much for your honesty and for sharing your 8 th Step here.

The Steps are powerful tools of recovery and Ii appreciate your input and just love participating in any forum that focuses on the Steps.

Step 9 next week smile

Pushka · Newbie

I have not done a step 8 yet however I'm mentally tallying in my head the list. There are some people on that list that I'm really not willing right this min to say I'm willing to make amends .. I'm just so not there yet. I'm actually surprised at the ones on the list that I'm willing TO make amends to. That's one of my favorite words in this step is "willing to". I don't have to, there is no should, could would, it's only the fact I need to be willing to.

Thanks for your shares it's given me something to think about.

Hugs p :)

Wolfie55 · Member

When I wrote my inventory in step 4, I started my eighth step amends list without even realizing it. It even says that in the original instructions on this step, in the AA big book. "We already have the list. We made it when we took inventory." I remember while doing this step with a new man - yes I sponsor men too - that he became nervous and agitated when I read those lines out loud. Seems he'd heard someone talk about burning their written inventory and thought that was a great idea. Ooopsie.

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