Step 8 - Adult Children of Alcoholics

JamesCT · Senior Member

Step 8 - Adult Children of Alcoholics

LindaO · Veteran Member

I have been doing some thinking around this step.
I dont' think I am willing or yet ready to directly talk to the people I may have harmed.
I am probably ready to admit to harming others for sure.
At this point in time I can't think that I hurt people who hadn't hurt me first.
That doesn't seem to be the 'essence' of the step.

Resentment is probably holding me back from this step at this stage. I resent having to be ready to say sorry when they hurt me. Its like being a little kid "but he hit me first!!!" type of thing.

I feel like I am apologising for something that wasn;t my fault.

Any help in this area would assist me.....

Thanks

DavidG · Senior Member

The last time I looked at this step I re-wrote it: made a list of those who had harmed me and vowed to get even.

I was angry at the time- had the lid off I had this saying not anger but rage, not fear but terror etc etc...

I think I was a victim most of all. But I was no always squeaky clean. I took up the slogan "progress not perfection". I said that any number of times. I was heartily sick of saying sorry.

I think I do step 10 fairly well... on a day today basis. But dealing with old stuff- i got myself healthy in body, got stuff sorted as much as i could.

I thinki had to reflect of the harmi had done to myself. The rotten messages... the old scripts- like I was 'a lazy little bugger'.

I DO AN INVENTORY OF THE GOOD THINGS I HAVE DONE. oops...

I think Step 8a. gave mean insight into myself. Now I am ready to do it straight.

JamesCT · Senior Member

LindaO wrote:
I have been doing some thinking around this step.
I dont' think I am willing or yet ready to directly talk to the people I may have harmed.
I am probably ready to admit to harming others for sure.
At this point in time I can't think that I hurt people who hadn't hurt me first.
That doesn't seem to be the 'essence' of the step.

Resentment is probably holding me back from this step at this stage. I resent having to be ready to say sorry when they hurt me. Its like being a little kid "but he hit me first!!!" type of thing.

I feel like I am apologising for something that wasn;t my fault.

Any help in this area would assist me.....

Thanks

Again, let me stress that this step isn't actually talking to them. It's identifying who you've harmed and simply being willing to make amends if you can.

I wanted to be free more than I wanted to hang onto the pain and resentment of being an ACoA, so I became willing to make amends if it would help. I then made amends to almost all of them (I will be taking care of Fred once a particular matter has settled and I know what my finances are.)

Do not think for a second that my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend haven't hurt me. They have. But I had to give that away if I wanted to move on. I did. My ex-wife and ex-girlfriend are still insinuating themselves in my life, believe it or not, but aside from my pending divorce, I am amusing myself with it. It's funny to me now that they're still interested in me and my life, even if it is to bash me.

Yes, they "hit you first, and worse, and harder." But there is no cosmic mommy on this plane of existence which will make them apologize. Meanwhile the only person --the only person-- you hurt by not apologizing for hurting them is yourself.

JamesCT · Senior Member

DavidG wrote:
Now I am ready to do it straight.

I'm glad to hear that you're going to take a run at this looking at how your ACoA behaviors have been harmful.

LindaO · Veteran Member

James
Thanks for that.
I do see what you are saying... I just have this blocking thought that I apologised so much during the relationships.
I was always sorry. I always apologised for breathing wrong, or saying the wrong thing, or looking the wrong way... whatever it was that prompted that particular punch in the face or strangling and held up against the wall.
Always appologising for the reason that I made them hurt me.

hmmm.. maybe I have found where I am stuck.

I am not ready to be willing to think about being sorry.. if you get what I mean...

NOt to them

There are people I have hurt I guess. I can look at this step and for now, not include the people who were violent to me. That narrows the list somewhat.

When I was in the throws of my BPD and living violent and isolated life, I was hurtful to other people. People I didn't know. People who were victims of my tirades of hate. Animals that were hurt during physical fights I had with people (they were protecting me), friends that i hurt. hmmmm.. yeah ok... I see what you are saying.

Because of the way I was as a teenager, I slept with a few friends who were married. I knew their wives also. Yeah ok, I guess I can look at those incidences and say that I am ready to look at my part in that.

I am not willing to make amends to those men who raped and beat me. I apologised enough for being alive.

DavidG · Senior Member

Thanks James- I am taking a little time to consider whether steps 4 thru 7 again

or whether I stick with step 10.

I am doing a bit of thinking about ACoA versus ACA which can be a bit different. The varieties of group cultures don't bother me too much.

I am wondering if my inner chid will propel me into my life's reward- peace of mind, and being able to do things with a fullness of heart.

My world began as being very messy, untidy... I have still have trouble finishing things- following things through. But I have gotten over some very big hurdles.

thanks mate,

David.

LindaO · Veteran Member

No cosmic mummy.... that made me giggle.

LindaO · Veteran Member

ok. So I gave it some thought. I guess it means that in Step 4, I looked at an inventory of things for myself, things that I felt I did wrong. Now I have to write down the list of people that were hurt by that and then become willing to make amends. Admit to my part in the hurt. I guess for me that means to promise that I wont' do that again. I did something wrong and I know that it was wrong now. It doesn't mean that I meant to hurt anyone. Just as I don't blame the people that abused me, I don't have to have blame and guilt, or resentment or meaness to this list. It is saying to whom did I do some harm ALSO.

1. Me.
I hurt me for a very long time. The hurt I gave myself was the root cause of my hurting others. I denied myself dignity, trust, and love. Along the way, and because of my own pain that I gave myself, I also hurt the following people.

2. My Mum. I was a terrible teenager and young adult. Very hurtful and spiteful. I love my Mum very much.

3. My daughter Heather. she died at one day old. I turned off the life support. I did the wrong things in getting pregnant at 18 to start with. I did the wrong thing in riding motorbikes and smoking and drinking etc. I had the wrong attitude.

4. The friends that I slept with who were married to my friends. I was friends with couples and I slept with the husbands behind the wives back. Why???? I was damaged. I think I would need to apologise to the friend and the wife. I only know where one of them is from the past 10 years. The others were when I was quite young. Because of my lack of dignity, I just used sex. Those women were my friends but I was not acting like a friend at all.

5. Male friends I have slept with that were unsure because they were married and I didn't know their wives. A couple I talked into it and then was not very nice when they broke down about being unfaithful. I took it as a personal afront that I wasn't good enough. Thats pretty sad and if I knew them now, I would apologise.

6. One particular person .. a complete stranger... that I pulled out in front of in a work ute. I gave them the finger and said some very nasty things. They rang my work (work ute) and said that they damaged a childs large birthday cake that was on the back seat and it was very expensive. If I coudlnt' afford to pay, then at least an apology. I gave a mouthfull of abuse instead. (I used to be a nasty piece of work as I have said).

7. My Dad. He is the Alcoholic in my childhood. I have had more arguments with him that I can count. Because of my resentment and anger I engaged in these arguments.

8. My ex partners of a mixture of things. I cheated, lied, and basically due to my own sickness, stayed with them for far too long. Some Ishould never have said I loved them but I thought I did. If I was healthy I would never have stayed with them. One in particular I left in a bad way. If I was healthier, I could have communicated better. Iwill leave that there for now I think.

9. My current husband - He says I have hurt his feelings. I have said nasty things to him. I couldn't handle his son living with us and I know I didn't help any of the arguments they had. I have difficulty trusting him.

Thats all I can think of for now. Not sure if I have done that right or not?????

JamesCT · Senior Member

DavidG wrote:
I am doing a bit of thinking about ACoA versus ACA which can be a bit different. The varieties of group cultures don't bother me too much.

I consider all of that politics and religion, schisms and dogma. I'm not here to worry about one group or another and I use the letters interchangably. I am here for what the Big Red Book is about, whichever faction publishes it, and I'm here for meeting and healing, whichever auspices it might fall under.

ACoA vs ACA as organizations is a false dichotomy. Work the program. Worry about program politics some other day.

-- Edited by JamesCT on Tuesday 6th of March 2012 04:10:59 PM

JamesCT · Senior Member

LindaO wrote:
James
Thanks for that.
I do see what you are saying... I just have this blocking thought that I apologised so much during the relationships.
I was always sorry. I always apologised for breathing wrong, or saying the wrong thing, or looking the wrong way... whatever it was that prompted that particular punch in the face or strangling and held up against the wall.
Always appologising for the reason that I made them hurt me.

hmmm.. maybe I have found where I am stuck.

I am not ready to be willing to think about being sorry.. if you get what I mean...

NOt to them

There are people I have hurt I guess. I can look at this step and for now, not include the people who were violent to me. That narrows the list somewhat.

When I was in the throws of my BPD and living violent and isolated life, I was hurtful to other people. People I didn't know. People who were victims of my tirades of hate. Animals that were hurt during physical fights I had with people (they were protecting me), friends that i hurt. hmmmm.. yeah ok... I see what you are saying.

Because of the way I was as a teenager, I slept with a few friends who were married. I knew their wives also. Yeah ok, I guess I can look at those incidences and say that I am ready to look at my part in that.

I am not willing to make amends to those men who raped and beat me. I apologised enough for being alive.

I would not ask you to make amends to someone who raped you. How did your ACoA behaviors cause you to be raped and how did your being raped harm them? Answer: they did not cause you to be raped and your being raped didn't harm these people.

This isn't loving your enemies. This is looking to see where you by being ACoA caused harm to others. Dear God, I am not telling you to love your enemies. That's something someone a little more divine than me would have to say.

JamesCT · Senior Member

LindaO wrote:
ok. So I gave it some thought. I guess it means that in Step 4, I looked at an inventory of things for myself, things that I felt I did wrong. Now I have to write down the list of people that were hurt by that and then become willing to make amends. Admit to my part in the hurt. I guess for me that means to promise that I wont' do that again. I did something wrong and I know that it was wrong now. It doesn't mean that I meant to hurt anyone. Just as I don't blame the people that abused me, I don't have to have blame and guilt, or resentment or meaness to this list. It is saying to whom did I do some harm ALSO.

1. Me.
I hurt me for a very long time. The hurt I gave myself was the root cause of my hurting others. I denied myself dignity, trust, and love. Along the way, and because of my own pain that I gave myself, I also hurt the following people.

2. My Mum. I was a terrible teenager and young adult. Very hurtful and spiteful. I love my Mum very much.

3. My daughter Heather. she died at one day old. I turned off the life support. I did the wrong things in getting pregnant at 18 to start with. I did the wrong thing in riding motorbikes and smoking and drinking etc. I had the wrong attitude.

4. The friends that I slept with who were married to my friends. I was friends with couples and I slept with the husbands behind the wives back. Why???? I was damaged. I think I would need to apologise to the friend and the wife. I only know where one of them is from the past 10 years. The others were when I was quite young. Because of my lack of dignity, I just used sex. Those women were my friends but I was not acting like a friend at all.

5. Male friends I have slept with that were unsure because they were married and I didn't know their wives. A couple I talked into it and then was not very nice when they broke down about being unfaithful. I took it as a personal afront that I wasn't good enough. Thats pretty sad and if I knew them now, I would apologise.

6. One particular person .. a complete stranger... that I pulled out in front of in a work ute. I gave them the finger and said some very nasty things. They rang my work (work ute) and said that they damaged a childs large birthday cake that was on the back seat and it was very expensive. If I coudlnt' afford to pay, then at least an apology. I gave a mouthfull of abuse instead. (I used to be a nasty piece of work as I have said).

7. My Dad. He is the Alcoholic in my childhood. I have had more arguments with him that I can count. Because of my resentment and anger I engaged in these arguments.

8. My ex partners of a mixture of things. I cheated, lied, and basically due to my own sickness, stayed with them for far too long. Some Ishould never have said I loved them but I thought I did. If I was healthy I would never have stayed with them. One in particular I left in a bad way. If I was healthier, I could have communicated better. Iwill leave that there for now I think.

9. My current husband - He says I have hurt his feelings. I have said nasty things to him. I couldn't handle his son living with us and I know I didn't help any of the arguments they had. I have difficulty trusting him.

Thats all I can think of for now. Not sure if I have done that right or not?????

It looks right to me. It sounds like people who were directly affected by your ACoA behavior. Cool.

LindaO · Veteran Member

Im not feeling the love with this step

JamesCT · Senior Member

LindaO wrote:
Im not feeling the love with this step

If you're meaning from me, I apologize. I think you're doing wonderfully with this step.

If you just mean that this step is a hard one, well, you're right. Doing this and nine hurt a lot. A lot. But it has really been freeing to do it. If I hadn't, then I don't know how I would be able to get through my current situation.

LindaO · Veteran Member

I certainly do not mean from you James, always feeling the love there.

I guess I was just making light of a difficult situation. I am not enjoying this one.. I am not feeling the warm fuzzy feeling that I got from many of the other steps. No sense of achievement or consolidation or 'moving' forward.

It seems an exercise that isn't 'resonating' with my internally.

I am not feeling the love of the step.

flopadopilus · Veteran Member

1. Me~ I self sabotaged myself and kept myself in unhealthy drama filled relationships so I didn't have to look and deal with myself. Hurt people hurt people and I kept that going towards myself as well.

2. My Mom~ I was a rebellious teenager. I was mean to my Mom verbally trying to get her back for my childhood of being victimized.

3. My daughter's~ I was and am very strict and have done and said things I am not proud of. My oldest is 14 and I am just now feeling some peace and serenity away from her father and hoping the trickle down effect will help, since when I was married to my AH I mostly trickled down frustration and anger to her.

4. My exAH~I have said and done things that were to manipulate control and just lash out at him and am again not proud of it.

5. My ex-in-laws~ I have cut them out of my life for the most part and have minimal contact with them and my kids. I know we had a very unhealthy codependent relationship and I let them and my ex manipulate me and after I decided the marriage was over my mother in law hurt me deeply. I didn't have the tools to do anything other than walk away from them all.

6. My Dad~ I really let him down when I got pregnant at 19 years old and dropped out of college. He had such high hopes for my future and I had attached myself to an A boyfriend and nothing else mattered. He has now passed on and I know he knows all is well with me.

7. I am sure there should be more but as of now this is my list.

LindaO · Veteran Member

Flopa,
I truly believe that those that have passed on come to us with a kind heart, and a forgiving soul. Once passed on they understand everything when they are in that energy form. That is just my opinion. It is beautiful to apologise and make amends to those past over, and it is more beautiful to know that they had already forgiven us anyway... draw on the 'love that is' from that side of this reality we have here.
It doesn't matter what your HP is, it is all loving and will support you, and nearly all religions and belief systems have a loving and caring energy that takes care of our loved ones.

Thankyou for sharing your list here.

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