I have a long way to go, but this is my start.  It is hard to know that I must let go, but I know that I must in order to stay "me", and I love being "me" because no one else can be "me".

Step One - Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and narcotics - that our lives become unmanageable

This is my very first time working with the 12 Step Program and I see that I have a lot ahead of me and a lot to work on to better myself. I have come to ‘realize’ (this is a start for me which is going to take a lot to ‘accept’) that I cannot control or change another person. I love my parents so much that I think that if I say or do something that, one day, it will click in their heads and they will come to their senses and realize the situation that they have placed themselves in. I have also come to realize that I must distance myself away from these situations, not to run away from them, but they are not MY problems, therefore, I do not have control over the situation. I love to see other people happy and would do anything to help out someone in need, but I cannot help those who are dependant on alcohol or narcotics. I always think that I can solve problems and make things better, but I am realizing that I cannot. I also thought that by reading over the 12 Steps, that anyone could just fly right through them and accept as quickly as they read the Step. I accept the fact that it is going to take me quite some time to accept that I have no control over others decisions in their lives, especially those of my parents. I have also accepted the fact that I WANT to work towards bettering myself and my relationship with my family and to do that, I must take care of myself and accept what I do not have control over. I say it in my head and it all makes sense, but I must work towards making it reality and not fiction. I must stick by my decisions and set boundaries and deal with the aftermath of MY decisions, not someone else’s. I realize that I cannot let others sway my decisions and that I must make them on my own time, in my own way, no matter what anyone else thinks or says. I accept the fact that this will take me some time, but I am READY to take this on, full force...for my peace of mind, my sanity, and for my personal comfort, for I want to be in control of my life and not allow others to grab the reign.

I fully accept that alcoholism is a disease. I have come to grips with the fact that my father is an alcoholic and I have also ‘realized’ that he is an adult, in charge of his own life, and I have faith that one day, he will turn his life around. I feel better because my father has admitted he is an alcoholic, but am working on realizing that I cannot control his life, or make his decisions for him. I accept the fact that he did not ask for this disease and did not ask to be an addict, for no one would want to be an addict. I have not accepted the fact that narcotics dependency is a disease. I presently feel that the way I used to feel about alcoholics, so I have a long way to go, but I have accepted the fact that I must become more educated on narcotics dependency in order to have a stable, working relationship with my family. I accept that I cannot change them, but I can better myself. I cannot accept the fact that my mother likes the way she is. I cannot accept the fact that my mother sleeps until all hours of the day because she is tired, when I know it’s because of the consumption of alcohol and all of the medication she is on. I cannot accept the fact that my mother, on several occasions, has almost lost her job over this disease. I cannot accept the fact that my mother has not admitted that she has a problem. I cannot accept the fact that she uses physical ailments to get more pills to satisfy her body and mind. However, I can accept the fact that no matter the situation, I love my mother and will always be supportive of her. I have accepted the fact that I must set boundaries to protect me and my family from the ‘unintentional’ situations.

I have tried to change everyone’s life that I have contact with. Especially my mother’s life. I have tried to break her of her ‘disease’ and have tried to show her that it is dangerous and that she is heading for an early grave...I still am trying to change her, but I have come to ‘realize’ that I cannot change her. I have said my peace in telephone calls and letters to no avail. It is taking every ounce of my being to stick to my guns, but I know I must do this for my own peace of mind and sanity. I do not want my actions of trying to make others happy, healthy or safe, affect my relationship with my husband and daughter. I am starting to finally see how it is affecting my relationship with my husband and I do not like the consequences. At times I do not realize how ‘controlling’ I am. I am not a control freak, but deep down, it appears that I like things done my way and if they are not, I try to change them to fit my way. My relationship with my husband is great and I love being in his life and having him in my life, but I do not, and cannot, afford to lose any part of him, so I choose to make a change in MY life and better myself. The main consequence in trying to change my mother’s life is constant crying and anger, RAGE, and the consequences run into my home life and hits my husband right in the face, when it is not his problem and should not be his problem. I feel helpless and not in control over even my own life and I hate that feeling. I choose not to feel this way anymore. I hate getting into arguments with my mother over the way I feel about her lifestyle because I have come to appreciate my parents, not argue with them. I hate crying so hard that I cannot breathe, and then turning into an anger controlled, bitter individual who now has to explain why I am crying to anyone I come in contact with, because I am NOT an angry, bitter individual and that is who I choose NOT to be or become.

I feel very angry, filled with rage, hurt, resentful, disappointed, disrespected, frustrated, not in control over my life, unloved and alone when my parents choose alcohol/narcotics before anything else in their lives, especially their granddaughter, my daughter. It angers me so much that I clench my fists and cry until I fall asleep or can’t see anymore through my red, puffy eyes. I respond with anger and frustration. I tend to lash out at my husband or lock myself down. I cannot talk to my mother without acting like HER mother because talking to my mother is like talking to a child.