It wasn't difficult for me to admitt to myself that I was alcoholic and had a drinking problem, I could be honest with myself but I always wanted to hide the embarrasing truth from you and the world.

From my early teens, I knew I loved the effect of alcohol. By age 17 I was alcoholic, once I started it was difficult to stop, I obseessed about the next drunk, but life was still manageble. I drank and partied hard though 4 years of college, still managing, graduated at age 22 but the effects where showing. One DWI at age 19, was a early consequence.

I knew I needed change and could not continue my drinking habits, of course I thought that getting the right job, the right car, the right girl, the right friends and getting away from the college scene would be the cure. I would become responsible and become an adult. The world didn't change me, things got worse. I didn't cope well, didn't perform my work well, didn't like where I lived, friends and relationships suffered.

I was convinced at age 24 to visit a shrink, we determined what I already knew at a cost of $50.00....I was an alcoholic. he gave me the phone # to AA. I enjoyed the meetings and went occasionally for the next few months, my drinking slowed then exploded around July 4th 1984. Back to AA I would get a sponsor and do a little work and consistantly make one meeting per week, I stayed sober for a few months until I met with a drinking friend, I told him no, then yes. Drank through the weekend ending in another DWI on 10/1/84, it was to be my last drunk. I had never totally surrendered or accepted the solution until then.

I believe that when the difference between who/what we actually are and who/what we invsion ourselves to be becomes so great that we can no longer lower our standards, great change can take place. I was living with my parents, was unsuccessful at work and relationships/friends, finances where bad, I didn't like myself, I was a bum and the only solution I knew was to drink.

The first step in AA is not admitting we are alcoholic, it is admitting we are powerless over alcohol. It means we will never regain any permanent control, we won't control it, it will control us. We must quit drinking 100%, one day at a time, yet we lacked the power to do so. If I had the power I would have never come to AA, plain and simple. I belived that the people in the rooms where once like me, though many did not show the pain I was experiencing. They told me, if we are not the problem, there is no solution...they had found the solution.

So where are we to find this power? Well, that is exactly what these steps and the AA program is all about.

Tasha wrote:

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I said the words "I'm an alcoholic" out loud to my husband in the late hours of the night. We sat on the bedside and had a long heart to heart. I knew inside for many years I was an alcoholic, but I was keeping my own eyes from seeing what that truly meant. I cried as I said the words... and I thought just saying the words out loud meant that maybe this time, when I promised I would not drink again, that I wouldn't. Because I honestly didn't want to. And I honestly believed I wouldn't that night. I didn't want to sneak downstairs every night to drink to oblivion.

Hde said he believed me too, and that was a crucial turn of events for me because I did not last more than a few days before I started to then hide my drinking. That made it worse than ever before... now I drank during the day while he was at work, and would try and sober up when he was to come home. Think of excuses for him to not be here until after it was reasonable that I would be asleep (so I could drink as much as I liked and pass out). I always needed this or that from the store - or I heard a great movie was playing. I only taught one day per week at this point, and I could no longer stay sober for it after the drinking morphed into an all day marathon - sometimes waking in the middle of the night to drink again because now my sleep schedule revolved around it too.

I was managing my drinking... making sure I only had so much per hour so I could keep on with taking care of my kids... never getting to the point of drunk, but just always buzzed. Always. It would only take me an hour or so to sober up, but that was torture in itself. I hated how quickly I would sober up drinking like this. Drinking "controlled" was the most awful drinking I've personally ever done. Way worse than the younger years of pedal to the medal in the bars. Those were the days of DWI's, terrible hang overs, stupid phone calls etc. But that was in my early 20's. For a few years in the middle I white knuckled it. Dry drunk was awful too. Now I was in my early 30's and drinking a little all the time, and I always got up at 6am feeling fine but tired, soon swapped my morning tea for alcohol, and had to "maintain" all day. My kids were used to seeing me super happy in the beginning of the hour, and cranky as can be as I waiting for the next hour to turn, meaning my next drink was "allowed". This lasted for about 9 months... during the last couple... I couldn't keep to my hourly regimen anymore, and I began passing out in the middle of the day... only to awake to my kids playing next to me... used to it. Way too small to be used to it.

It was with the threat of my husband taking my children away, that I was shocked and amazed to really see how everything was completely out of control... and I finally surrendered. I needed to try something else. Some people in AA shared stories that sounded like mine, and I thought... if they can do it, so can I. I believed the answer was there, but I wasn't putting in the work. A few weeks later, I drank again - only then did I know how powerless I truly was. That I had a real disease, that needed a certain solution. I had to start working the steps, and that started with step one. Today, I do this step every day, and my life is no longer unmanageable. My children are no longer scared when I go to sleep for fear they can't wake me up. My husband is no longer my enemy. My life is no longer small, but a vastly wide and deep ocean of love, support, family, friends, laughter, connections, up & downs too. It all keeps me looking toward the spiritual solution found with taking this first step into the waters of freedom.

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 Nice story of coming to grips with step one and how important it is to keep working the steps.  It is interesting how we all come to the powerlessness in our own ways.  But nothing works until we reach that level.