STEP 2 ALANON

hotrod · Guru

STEP 2 ALANON

rehprof · Newbie

Phew...step 2 is a toughie for me.

I gave up the idea of a Christian God when I was 16...when my niece died of SIDS. I really struggle with letting go and giving things over to HP. I just can't seem to trust that all will be okay. Someone said to me today, "it is all in the plan" -- and I honestly just said, "whatever" because I don't believe that.

I really don't know what it will take to change my view. So much bad has happened, that it's really difficult for me to trust that things can be okay. I also tend to be depressed..which can cloud the way I see things...

If I really think about it -- I think about a life-giving force. For example, when a person dies, his/her cells have all the same molecular material they had when the person was alive...yet some thing, some force brings life to that collection of cells...

that universal, life giving force, is my concept of HP. How I come to trust it, well, I really don't know....because I am still really fearful that life won't turn out too great for me...

hotrod · Guru

Hi Rehprof

Step two is a process. In r ading your share I heard that you are in the process of coming to believe. Keep an open mind and know that you will find this power that works for you.

When I was searching for my faith I discovered that was afraid that if I let HP run my life I would be in church all day and have a boring life. I just kept sharing on it and attending meetings.

I also noted that in Step 11 I pray for HP's will and the POWER to carry it out. That gave me hope HP would not ask anything of me that He would not give me the power to accomplish. I had no promise that I would like HPs will just that i could do it.

Keep showing up and working the program You are on your way.

flopadopilus · Veteran Member

I have came to believe it, because Al-anon has worked miracles for me. I love to hand things to HP that are beyond me and brings me such relief. I grew up angery at such a God that let me be victimized as a child, I now understand free will, but now I am a strong advocate and use it for good and am paying it forward for others. I sometimes take things back until I spin out of control again then I hand it over for good.

Bea · Member

I really find your posts so helpful and comforting. Thank you for giving yourself to help others like me...I thought the questions you asked were really good for me to ponder....

1. What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time?

My concept of HP has changed over the years. My mother has been in AA for 35 years now. I was farmed out to my grandparents for rearing and both of them were alcoholics too...I used to pray to God to take me somewhere like Dorothy and as I got older I started to find a path that lead me to God. HP for me is God, I know for some it is not...for my mom it will always be HP. I find comfort in being able to seek answers to questions and give me guidance and strength to get through my difficulties and understand why I need to change as well as how to facililtate it.

2. What would it take to allow my concept of a Higher Power to change?
I think that in order for my concept to change I have to learn to trust. I have trust issues and to me faith and trust are distinctly different. I believe in God and I believe that there is a God to me that is faith. I don't trust completely that God will save me from myself and all perils. I need to trust. I need to let go...

3. Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how?
I spend every holy day and every weekend at chruch. My grandparents were religious zealots. They would make me recite bible verses to them in latin and make me write them out for them. Used to equate God with these practices. I learned as I grew that one didn't have to do with the other and that faith is something each person must come to terms with.

4. What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?
Strength, stability, serenity...these are all things that I am learning are good and I can have them if I let go and let God facilitate good things in my life.

Thank you again for sharing yourself...I am new to this forum and the group in general. I recently left my husband after 15 years of his alcoholism other addictions and I changed jobs to make the change possible. I am learning to find myself again, love myself for the first time and trust some of my decisions and instincts. It isn't easy and I take one day at a time...but I am glad I am never alone...I have God.

Bea · Member

Flop,

So succinct and thank you for reminding me of the definition of insanity...I needed to read it...all the best.

hotrod · Guru

Dear Flop and Bea

Thank You for your honest heartfelt insight into this step. I appreciate hearing everyone's experience with working this Step as it provides me with food for growth.

On to Step 3 next week smile

Bea · Member

Growth is so important for the human spirit and condition. I am having a bad day today and have had to rely on God a lot today...let go let God....

Sienna · Newbie

Happy Thanksgiving. This was a tough one for me, but I feel I made huge progress examining this for myself in the context of spirituality. What is my concept of a higher power? My concept of a higher power had always been God. And I have had struggles with God, or so I thought. But I recently attended a Family Program related to my loved one in recovery, my daughter, and I heard an amazing lecture on Religion vs Spiritulity. We all participated in an exercise, creating lists of what we associated with religion, and what we associated with spirituality. I certainly don't mean to offend anyone, but religion was a real mixed bag for me. Some vey comforting elements, but then disagreement over certain social issues and guilt and feat. Spirituality though was all good - bringing peace, calmness and hope. From the exercise, I came to realize my issue wasn't with God, but with certain aspects of organized religion. I can take what I want, and leave the rest - just as they say in my Al Anon meetings! How has my concept of a higher power changed over the years? I guess I half answered this question above. My concept has certainly changed. As i child, i certainly envisioned God as a giant in the clouds, a super-human being residing in heaven. as I matured, I confused God with organized religion, and held onto that for a long time. Now I am viewing God as independent of a particular religion, but still a force to guide and protect and comfort anyone who asks. Have my past experiences affected my concept of a higher power? If so, how? Certainly. Those early years in church, having to get up early, dress up, sit still and be quiet, listen to people talking in ways I didn't understand, and many people always dressed in dark colors, those early childhood memories negatively impacted by views of both religion and God. I believe I have come a long way. What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a power greater than myself? Z I hope that relying on a higher power will help me restore my sanity, and bring me some relief from the worry that has plagued me and that I have been letting go, though not completely. But I do question if I have been doing well because my loved one is doing so well in her recovery, and I know I will need help to stay strong myself if she relapses so that my life doesn't also fall apart. I know I need help and a sense of support and faith to guide me through the ups and downs of recovery.

hotrod · Guru

Dear Carolyn

Thanks you for your honest share Please keep comng back it works if we work it.

Desirae · Veteran Member

CAME TO BELIEVE THAT A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF COULD RESTORE ME TO SANITY

This was a really tough one for me to put together because I come from a multicultural family. I am half Ojibwe/Cherokee with many family members that will not admit to their heritage... ancient prejudice ringing true, for a lack of better words. It seemed as though each time I started to be interested in the faith of one culture, I was told I was going to hell by another for believing it. I grew up not knowing who my higher power was. Both of my parents were half Ojibwe/Chippewa. My father was also half French, and my mother was also half German. My mother however, was an elder for the Fon Du Lac Tribe of Ojibwe Bear Clan. I learned a lot about her beliefs. As I was still becoming a young adult I started to witness the power she had in her beliefs, and the amount of power her faith gave to her. I was 23 when she passed away, and I was pregnant with my only child after 3 miscarriages. I was told because of my back injuries that I amy not walk if I followed through with the pregnancy. I was up to my eyes in resentment towards my husband because of his alcoholism. I had decided at that time, that there was no God, and I became an addict myself. My beliefs have changed since then, which surprisingly without a program, led me to sobriety (12/25/06), and brought me to Al-anon as well.

Today I do believe there is a Higher Power. I call Him my Great Spirit for English terms, but I choose to call Him Gitchimanidoo. He came to me in a dream. Ever since that dream, I would be walking down the street and people I did not know would say to me things like, "Boozoo", "Aanin", "I knew your Nimaanmaa" (I knew your mother)", "You are a binoojiing of Makwa! Megwetch!" (You are the child of the Bear Clan. Thank you)". At the time I didn't know what the hell they were saying. Then it was even more confusing because they all spoke half Ojibwe & half English...lol (In MN we call this Ojiblish just for fun). Gitchimanidoo kept contacting me in my dreams. Sometimes it was words I did not understand, which I would scribble down and my Medicine Woman would laugh at me for my bad Ojiblish spelling. wink Sometimes I would be shown a story, as I like to call it, and I would usually learn something during that time. (I love that you used the legend of the Wolf Growing Strong. That originated in this area, as I live 2 hours away from a wolf reserve and in the middle of mostly the Ojibwe Bear, Wolf, and Bird/Eagle Clans, and I am a decendent of all three.)

I started praying. I got off my butt one morning, left a note for my husband, went out to the woods, put out an offering of tobacco, made a small fire to sit by, dropped my head in my hands, and cried my heart out. I asked Gitchimanidoo to let me know if He was real, if He would be willing to help me after I threw my beliefs away because I was hurting so much. I refused to leave that spot until I knew. I sat by the fire that whole day, the night, and finally fell asleep there the next morning. I made sure to give the fire an offering of tobacco, and only took dead wood, with an offering to Mother Earth letting Her know what I was using the wood for. The next night when I fell asleep again, I dreamed many dreams. Many old memories went through my head. I started feeling as if I were in the right place. I let the fire burn out on it's own, and on my way home I felt so refreshed. When I got home there was a message on my answering machine. It was a friend of my moms, speaking Ojiblish again, inviting me to go to sweatlodge. I went to that sweatlodge, and, when I arrived they told me "Welcome home Geesisodayinikwe!" They called me "Sun Heart Woman". My heart has believed that Gitchimanidoo led me home to my faith. My head is still learning, and I ask Gitchimanidoo to teach me more and to help my knowledge grow every day. I now put out an offering and a prayer of gratitude every sunrise and every sunset. I also have my own version of a "God Box". This is a pine tree in my yard. When I need to hand things over, I write it on a ribbon, bring out an offering of tobacco, tie the ribbon on my tree, remember to end with a prayer of thanks, and let the wind and rain carry it away.

I continue to pray.

My dreams continue to come.

I continue to learn.

I let go & let God.

My faith and understanding grow stronger every day.

One thing I have learned lately is that the most important prayer is a prayer of thanks, so, Megwetch Gitchimanidoo!

...and Megwetch to you my friends, for taking the time to read my story. Blessings to you all.

DavidG · Senior Member

Hi Desirae,

I enjoyed and appreciated your testimony.

I wrote one for my other 12 step group and am pasting it here as well.

Our culture can lead to serious self esteem issues. And the reason why some of us first peoples suffer huge amounts of alcoholism. My family, same. I had one grand-dad who was a native speaker and he learned to speak English while in the army, serving his country. My grand-ma was native by birth but hated anything Welsh, and forbade the language. Deep denial.

Our people are white, of course, but very small in stature. My uncle went into the navy at the age of 15. I believed he was raped. His family was a real mess. I could go on and on... ... I believe that is the great beyond our higher power is the same- but we express this differently... but deep down when we hear a witness of faith it does resonate... and it does heal deeply.

smile smile smile smile smile smile smile smile smile smile smile smile smile smile smile smile smile smile smile

so this was my profiad [testimony] for today...

pob bendith

he rau moemiti

many blessings

DavidG

smile My country is a bit like the littlest runty kid on the block. We are on the bottom of the world, a bit like a pimple, an' more'n half way to the South Pole.

But the one thing we have here- we are the first to see the sun of a new day. Its Sunday here, while in other places it is still Saturday evening. Or stateside some people will still be walking off the thanksgiving dinner they had this week!

In the 12 steps we do not promote religion, or anything else. But we are allowed to talk about it, like everything else. I am shore there are people inside of the programme who come from religious families. And a lot of awful things can happen inside of church families believe me you.

Though I live on an island our community is in an inland valley. It was a sheep raising, goldmining town. Not quite like the wild west, because there were very few guns. But it did have its hey day! Some of the smaller churches round here- Methodist or Baptist, in their time were temperance churches. No drinking.

I am a local historian and these things interest me a lot. One family patriarch was called Holy Smith. He had been a real boozer during the gold rush. But he crossed the street from the elbow benders to the knee benders.

These chapel type churches, in a sense were the foreunners of AA. They took in all sinners of course, but were a refuge for former drinkers. I think most of us have heard of and seen manic street preachers. I suppose some were like dry drunks- with out the alcohol but with all the self serving self-righteous attitudes.

In some churches there was no work on Sundays- period. And no laughing dancing card playing etc. Today some of these traditional chapels are full of fun and laughter, but not always.

My parents attended Sunday School most Sundays. They sat behind closed blinds too, but this was the local pub [bar]. I expect they sat around talking about what they forget about the night before- and had a hair of the dog that bit them.

I crossed the road early... half way down the gully to the pub was a hall and a chirch... and i would slip between the barbed wire and go down to the church as a kid. It was quite a different world to me- a lot happier and friendlier.

Drinkers were meant to sit around and have fun. {In our family there was no singing or anything- but other peoples did drink and sing along.}

It was supposed to be a party, or sumthing, but as I kid I observed people either got loud, or quiet, but after a few hours of drinking the mood mostly got sour.

But church people were mostly the same all round.

Our small church, hall and pub was flooded by a huge dam. An' we got the first two rebuilt above the water line. it is a nice place now, beside a lake. And the trees are growing there into big trees.

Last year, in May we visited Southern Appallacia. We had a camper up on a ridge in a state park. There was a hand-painted sign pointing to a wee church on the way up the mountain, So I vowed to check it out.

It was beside a small lake just like our own one here in NZ. It was quite romantic really- walking down tracks through the laurel and dogwoods. At the church they sung a mountain song to the mandolin and I sung them 'How Great Thou Art' in Maori.

But while I was there I wanted to unload some- and I witnessed and testified. I was aware strongly that my victim nature was still fairly strong. But by opening my mouth - that made me aware of that fact. It was quite the opposite to what alcohol seemed to do- to clam people up... both their mouth and mostly their ears.

'sometimes I drink to remember and sometimes i drink to forget'

It was a lovely experience. After church i was offered a ride up the road in a small pick-up. Brother Michael had bin an elder of this church- but they were passing on th ematle to younger people- a good thing.

I am sure he must have picked up on my self-pity during the service. As we drove slowly up the gravel road he started to roll up his trouser leg. [I thought briefly lawd-sakes! Is this gentleman a freemason!?] Anyway his legs were deeply scared. He had been burnt all over as a kid with gasoline, from his feet to his neck.

It is not always what we say. 'Show me, don't tell me' may be a good 12 Step motto.

Not shore if this talk was religious, or not. People can write in and say something if it didn't feel right. I would welcome that.

We can find some answers inside of ACA, but sometimes our Hp can point us in any direction. It is up to us to be there when it happens.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate it smile

DavidG.

el-cee · Member

1. What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time?

My concept of Higher Power has been developing for nearly a year now. My Higher Power is God, but not the God of my childhood with white hair and a beard. My God is only mine but then again is everybody's. God is a feeling to me a precense a comfort that I can feel when I think and open up. I dont always feel his precense when I am distracted and busy. I must make the effort to feel. My Higher Power is the knowledge that what will happen will happen, its logic like maths, science, nature, law of averages. Every act has a purpose, a bigger purpose that is higher than me. Its a fact to me.

2. What would it take to allow my concept of a Higher Power to change?

I dont really want it to change. I only want a deeper understanding and the ability to fully let go and trust in this Higher Power. I think I need to practice letting go, stop trying to change the paths of people I know. Trust there is a bigger picture that I cant see. I think less arrogance and more humility.

3. Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how?

Yes, I think I made up my mind from an early age that I was an aetheist. I disliked organised religion so I chose to close my mind to any kind of personal connection. I thought this made me an independant thinker and free somehow when in fact it helped my distorted and insane thinking.

4. What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?

I want to feel I am not alone. I want to be guided towards a kinder, more compassionate less judgemental me. I want to mind my own business, stop meddling in other people's lives. Live and let live. My higher power helps me with my defects. I am better than I was thanks to my Higher Power. With the help of my Higher Power I can be a better me.

Thank You

NicoleDiver · Member

Everything changed the week I heard things in my sleep. I thought I heard my daughter call me twice one week, in the middle of the night. When I went to check on her, she was deep asleep. That same week I heard a male voice. I am not sure what it said, but it was loud and woke me up. I got out of bed and went to check on my AH and my daughter, both of whom were asleep. One day I realized that what had happened was similar to the Bible story where God calls Samuel every night for 3 nights, and Samuel thinks it is the priest he is living with.

Im not a super-religious person by any means, but that week something changed. I decided to get on my knees everyday to pray for freedom from the hell I was living in. The hell of my partner being addicted to crack cocaine. Here I was, college educated, trying desperately to live a normal life and raise my daughter as best I could, while the insanity of living with a crack addict was slowly driving me insane. 7 years it has taken me to get to this point. And Im not turning back. I WILL NOT TURN BACK.
I do believe in my HP but I need to pray more, every day, all throughout the day, to stay calm. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes Im too torn up to pray and I feel too far away from my HP.

I dont understand why my HP wants me to live in this mess. Because I really feel like he wants me here, or else he would provide another situation for me. I know that sounds crazy but I believe it. I dont ask for a lot, because I dont think I am going to get it anyway. But lately I have been begging for help because I am so miserable. I hate my partner and want him to die. I beg my HP to take him out of my life, be it death or prison. I want to be free I dont care how.

1. What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time?
Someone that can comfort me. Someone I should aspire to be like. A loving being. An understanding being.
2. What would it take to allow my concept of a Higher Power to change? I dont know, a miracle? Maybe to feel closer to my HP would change my perceptions.
3. Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how? Yes, I know I have an HP but for me he seems to be pretty hands off. I wish I could see my prayers answered more often. I usually feel lost like my HP isnt listening or is so far away or doesnt understand. I dont ask for a lot. Maybe I should ask for more. I didnt grow up in a religious family, but they judge you if you dont go to church, which makes no sense to me.
4. What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself? I hope it helps me to give up my desire to react to everything. I hope I am able to get some serenity and hope a feeling of friendship would be nice too

hotrod · Guru

Nicole

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your growth I am glad that alanon suggests that we keep an open mind on issues because if i had not done so I would have missed many of my HP's signs and messages.

So glad you are here.

Raven Juniper · Newbie

This is a great step. I'm from a multicultural background and thus my personal concept is a bit conflicted, and hard to explain. I imagine many people would have difficulty putting their spiritual beliefs into words. I hope my references don't offend anybody, I'm just answering honestly, and certainly don't claim to have a relevant answer...

1. My concept of HP as a child who attended Sunday School was that of the paintings of Jesus in church. The beard, the robe, the lamb, the smiling children. That painting made me feel happy, but I could never understand why He didn't talk to me as He did to the children in the painting. Later, attending catechism, the HP concept that was taught was that of the stern paternal figure who was going to punish me for my errant ways. However, the concept that has always been in my very core since, before I ever attended school, was that of energy, of light as bright as the sun....sort of like The Force in Star Wars :) I still find myself perceiving it as a male energy, probably from prevalent cultural influences. I don't see HP as a stern punisher anymore.

2. This question is tough. I think a face to face meeting,or a miracle would obviously change my concept, if need be.

3. There have been past experiences in my life that haven't been explained by logic. I can say that I don't necessarily agree with the fire and brimstone concept, but of course I don't really want to test it either. I've come to see the error of my choices in the past and realize that getting in touch with the spiritual side of life is conducive to personal growth.

4. I hope to develop myself into a more loving, less judgemental person, and bring joy to others through service.

Overcome · Newbie

DavidG wrote:
It is not always what we say. 'Show me, don't tell me' may be a good 12 Step motto.

I like this motto David, and one I think being from the "Show Me" state of Missouri, I will adopt. It has served me well in determining who is "real" in this world and who is "fake" when it comes to my concept of a HP.

1. What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time?

Jesus

2. What would it take to allow my concept of a Higher Power to change?

Don't intend for it to change.

3. Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how?

Not my "concept" of an HP, but my trust and belief in the "church". I have had several incidents recently with people who claim to be Christians (church going folk) that have turned their back on my mom (who has Alzheimer's) and I. This has seriously effected my trust issues with the church. I did some "searching" for a time with my HP concept and find it is still pretty much intact, it's more my "trust" with Christians, or people who 'claim' to be, that was effected. "God" has always provided, and my concept of God is the Trinity (probably because that is how I was raised)...The Father (God), the Son (Jesus), and the Holy Spirit.

4. What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?

By relying solely on my concept of God, instead of "humans" for strength, I hope to gain back a level of trust in people again. I realize not everyone who 'calls themselves Christian' is going to follow through, and yet many DO follow through and live their beliefs. I'm hoping to learn to not be so judgemental of those individuals, in time... just not there yet!

-- Edited by Overcome on Thursday 28th of March 2013 10:15:31 AM

hotrod · Guru

Dear Overcome

Thanks for you insight and honesty on this Step. I agree "walking the walk" and "not simply talking the talk "is what works

for me

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