1: We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I have spent my entire life trying to control alcoholics, taking it personal, believing that there was something wrong with me. Not believing that it was them that had the problem. As a child I thought if I would watch my mother's every move, she would not get drunk and leave me alone at night. If I stayed quiet, my father would not beat me when he came home from the bar drunk. If I didn't ask for anything, if I looked pretty enough, was good enough then my parents would want to take care of me. Instead I tried to take care of my mother. I married an addict, was co-dependant and lived in a controling, toxic pattern. He was the love of my life, if ONLY he was stong enough to stay sober. I was a controller and an avoidant at all cost. When I was 21, a mother of my 16 month old daughter, Justin passed away on a night that he back tracked, took coke and drank heavily. I was a widow at the age of 21. 3 years later, I married again. Another alcoholic, this time my husband was abusive. I was extremely co-dependant, if I wore the right things, If I acted the right way, if I did my hair the right style, them maybe he would want me. I would force him to go to therapy! That would work, I thought. ( did I mention I was co-dependant?) After the 3rd time in a matter of months he layed his hands on me I left. 

 I started working on my co-dependancy and know admit that my live has become unmanageable trying to "manage" or control dysfunctional people. Being with dysfunctional people does not work, having dysfunctional friends does not work. I feel very alone. Still full of shame, but I have worked through co-dependancy, I left my ex-husband one year ago to the date. This is a new start for me.

- Step One ACA Maggie