ALANON STEP 1

hotrod · Guru

ALANON STEP 1

DavidG · Senior Member

Hi Betty,

Step One is the power step, where I step out of trying to force solutions. At the beginning I was so mad and sore that is all I knew. I come back to Step One when I am stuck on anything. And I also come back to express gratitude. I can still picture me at my first Alanon meeting over 30 years ago.

When new member comes into the rooms, if I am chairing, I try to do a Step One meeting. I try to reach out with love and compassion by sharing my own ESH. I encourage my group to give any new member their best. It is great to remember in this way, it is always an honour!

Thanks aww

David.

hotrod · Guru

Hi David
Thanks for your honest and powerful share. I to ocna remember my first meeting, how hard it was for me to listen, identify and sit still long enough I am glad that we both kept coming back.

Rinn · Newbie

I am powerless over many things and my life has become unmanagable.

Even before I new about alanon, this step was a powerful one for me. My father, whom I met as an adult is an alcoholic, my mother is an addict and a very controling person, and my husband is an addict. I had to let go and stop connecting with my dad because I couldn't change how he treated me. He constantly pushed my boundries for for no reason other that they were there, and he made my life very stressful. Once I realized I couldn't change him and I stopped trying and stepped away I felt so much more peace. My mom I had to tell her how I felt at one point and step back. I arranged to talk with her at her counsilers office, i told her all my hurt and problems all I wanted was for her acknowledge the wrongs in some way. She couldn't admit she had a problem or caused any. I took a year off from her in my life. Then I decided to love her for who she is, she won't change but I love her anyway. She's my mom and she is all I have. I love the good and have clear boundries for the bad. When she is too much I step away. It brought a lot of peace. So with my husband, he had a big addiction issue for the past few years and I got wrapped up in it and the roller coaster ride it brought our family. It was so close everyday I didn't feel like I could step away. I started Alanon about two years ago, and thought I got step one. But in reality I didn't really get it in my heart until recently. I am truly powerless, nothing I say, do, know, beg or worry over is doing to make a differnce at all. Not one differnce, so all I can do is step away from the problem and take care of myself. I am glad I realized that again and am working this step.

hotrod · Guru

Hi Rinn

Thank you fro sharing your wisdom and experience working Step One Loved the idea that the Step must be in our "Hearts" before we can truly say - We are powerless and mean it.

Thanks again

Betty

pp · Veteran Member

Like, Betty, I too link the first three steps together. I love step one and revisit it at least daily and sometimes more often depending on what is going on. I have spent the last few days acknowledging my powerlessness with a situation. Our 24 year old daughter brought scabies into our home and if anyone knows the chaos that can create, you will understand. Not only was I powerless over the possibility that my husband and I may be infected, there was a great possibility that we would not be able to travel to Ohio to be with our daughter for the birth of her second baby and our new grandson. That was the most hearbreaking for me. The right actions appeared in order to eradicate the mites from our home, secure the medicines for my husband and me and research the heck out of it. As I experienced all of the emotions last night and talked with my sponsor, it gave me comfort to rest in the powerlessness and surrender the outcomes to God, as, for all I know, we were being spared a horrific car accident. I never know the big picture. The next best action was to speak with our family doctor this morning to get her perspectives and guidance and inform our daughter of what was happening so she and her husband could decide what would be best for them. He is a doctor and well connected to good resources. It turns out we will be going as planned. If I had not had the first step, I would have been an angry, pouting victim mess. I have mucho gratitude for the spirituality in step one.

Paula

-- Edited by pp on Friday 12th of April 2013 04:24:57 PM

hotrod · Guru

Dear Paula
Thank you so much for you wisdom and courage. I can so identify with the words "Without the first Step I too would be an angry pouting victim mess" I was that way for many years before alanon.
I am glad that you will be able to be with your daughter. Keep us informed.
Betty

hotrod · Guru

Deear Milkwood

Thank you so much for your thoughtful consideration of these questions and your honest responses. I have found that it i s true the more i work these steps the more I uncover. I so identify with the idea of only being interested in finding peace and forgot about having fun. I have begun to take dance lessons and listen to concerts and am enjoying life.

Remember it is a process.

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 21st of April 2013 01:32:00 PM

Milkwood · Member

I have never worked the steps in any formal sense although I have incorporated them into my thinking over the past five years and I have certainly experienced the release of acknowledging my powerlessness - and I've noticed that those have been the times that have led to positive change and increased peace in my life. Now I would like to try to understand my behaviour a little better, and also find out about my own needs and wants. I suspect that being a little more methodical with the steps might help me. Perhaps that means I'm ready to ask for help!

Oh boy did I try to control my husband's behaviour, especially when he beaconed that he was embarking on an affair. I pleaded, I ranted, I sulked and I felt sooooo sorry for myself. My mother had just died and I could not believe what was going on. I knew enough to know that he was not an ace emotional support, but this felt like the knives were out, it felt deliberate. And I wanted to make it stop. I wanted it to change. I demanded that it change. And of course I wanted him to stop drinking. Thankfully I read fairly early on that it was a hopeless task for me to ask him to stop drinking but I guess I put all my energy into trying to make the affair going away instead. I worried so much about what I could or couldn't do to help make that happen. I forgot to live my own life. For three years I refused to let go. I did not look at my own needs, I kept thinking if husband would just see sense it would all be ok. I pointed the finger at him. Then, one day, I just gave up. I just stopped trying. And it felt so much better!!!

And now I feel like my husband is trying to control me. He has certainly made me feel crazy and I have been so stressed out by his problems, of which there seem to be many. But I am learning to hand those back to him.

Ha, typing this I've just realised that the other person who is making me feel a bit crazy is myself! I worry about the streaks in my character that I've seen these past few years and that I don't like. I worry about how I'm going to control my anger. I worry about how I'm going to react if husband is actually nice to me. OK, I need to give this some thought and perhaps learn to let go of my own problems as well.

I've been running from the admission that I've allowed my husband to dish out emotional abuse. I've been trying to hide from my lack of self esteem.

I love this third question - what would I have to face if I stopped trying to control someone or something? This question fills me with peace. I think that I would simply face what I wanted to face, I think that I would face lovely things like time with friends and doing worthwhile work, I think that I would face looking after my garden and my home. On rereading this I've realised that I might also have to face my anger and hopefully accept it. And what might happen if I stopped allowing someone or something else to control me? Well I guess the scariest thing would be my fear of making mistakes, that is the first thought that comes to mind. And of course there is the fear of being disliked, although I'm more comfortable with this than I used to be. But what else might happen? I might be happy. I might do something that I felt proud of. I might not only stand but also dance on my own two feet.

Final question - I can not manage my husband's behaviour. I can not stop the clock. My emotions - well, they are returning (I was flat lining for tooooo long). I have learnt some tricks to manage my feelings of stress and they seem to be working. I am scared of feeling angry, it is not an emotion that I understand or know how to use, although I think that I'm learning to listen to it and to understand that it has a reason for being. I am scared that if I find happiness I will just burst into tears. Finances - Yay! They are under control and I'm really proud of that!! Spirituality - returning. I think I lost faith in the powers of the universe (my version of God I think) and yet I never lost faith in the beauty of nature and I'm really thankful for those gifts that surround me. Physical health - not bad, but not as good as it should be. Career - well I dived into that, it was my hiding place, and I wore myself out. The work dropped off as a result. Thankfully I've been lucky enough to keep a few projects on the go while retreating to the hills (literally) and recently I've been dipping my toe into a new career path - teaching (I figured that if I had a desire to give too much, then I should give in a more positive direction). What do I do for enjoyment, fun, pleasure? For a while now my idea of enjoyment has simply been 'give me peace' and I've been quietly sewing and doing tapestry. I enjoy these things but sometimes I do feel like a bit of a recluse. Fun? I don't remember the last time that I really did something just for the fun of it - oh, maybe dancing for a few hours at a wedding two years ago. And then there was the time that I tried to sing along to a very high pitched piece of opera whilst driving the car - that did give me the giggles. Note to self - try that more often

Thank you Betty for these great questions - I think that I will enjoy giving them more thought. But they have really helped me to see that there is so much more to step one than just giving up - I don't think that I really understood that before now.

Milkwood · Member

Thank you Hotrod,
It is lovely to think of you dancing and enjoying the concerts. I think that life is indeed a pleasure and there is plenty there for the enjoying. Learning not to pout or sulk when dark boulders cross my path is sometimes a challenge. And learning to leave a boulder strewn path to preserve my own health is still a little beyond me I think.

islandtime · Newbie

I'm just getting a handle in this, do I wait till step 1 starts again? If so when will that be? also how do I get a sponser?

hotrod · Guru

Hi Island

You can get a sponsor by attending alanon face to face meetings and finding someone who you can feel safe with and who you can connect with. We will begin the Steps again at Step 1 Mid September. In the time before this you can try working on the Steps on your own Answer the questions on each Step and that will give you a start.

Betty

Learn how the 12 Steps work. Participate in your own recovery as well as the recovery of others, by being active on this board as we go through the 12 Steps of recovery together! We discuss each of the Twelve Steps In the order they are written, one step at a time, every two weeks.