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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Step Work -> Step Work -> Self Loathing
Post Info TOPIC: Self Loathing
coniolga


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Self Loathing
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We're going to marriage counseling through the church per my alcoholic. I start thinking maybe this will work after all. Then Monday I come home from work & he's with a hooker in my home. She actually going out the window. She's immaterial/insignificant in this. He had a beer sitting around & I threw it in his face & threw the glass against the wall breaking it & continued to yell & scream & tell him he's worthess, can't take care of himself, repulsive, makes me sick, glad that he had the hooker cause when he touches me my skin crawls & I sleep in the other room now most of the time (I'm scared of STDs from his past behavior & sex addiction problems) that he's repulsive to me & I'm sure he had to pay her because why would anyone want to be with someone like him, he has never been able to keep a real job though he's a very talented fabricator, truck driver, welder, mechanic & he makes cash money, but I rarely see any of it & guess who pays the bills? I wish all this was his fault. I justify that by telling myself I have to do that anyway whether he's here or not. I mentioned to him he's a worthless addict who drinks a half gallon of whiskey every other day & smokes meth everyday whether he needs it or not. For some reason I don't get that he's not normal, that the chemicals affect his behavior et al. So I said everything that he really is & he gets angry & started throwing things at me & punching me in the head (so it doesn't leave marks for the police) & the neighbors yelled to see if I was okay & he left scared they were calling the cops. In the morning I had to call him because he had my car & I needed it to get to work. That sucked, but I did & asked him to bring the car back because I needed it for work & he said, "I don't know if I should. You were mean to me last  night." Unbelieveable! I suppose I'm just supposed to come in & greet the other woman next time. We were supposed to go to the church for marriage counseling on Friday & he told me he couldn't think of any reason why telling the counselor about the incident would help anything. What a nightmare. Then he tells me "The truth is that you used to be really hot 30 years ago when we got together & now all I see when I look at you is an old lady." I'm turning 60 in February & have been sober myself for 35 years this June 28, 2013.  My first thoughts are how right he is & maybe I should run 2 hours a day instead of the 1 hour a day I do currently run & maybe I can get a face lift or new boobs & on & on. The pain is agonizing. He's right, I am not the 29 year old he married. I am never gona be 29 again. So now I think he's right & I went to an AA meeting & there must've been 5 different men that actively hit on me & thought I was 40ish not 60ish. My question is why am I still in jail here in my own life? The thought of leaving him devistates me. I become paralized & he's just a drunk/tweeker. He may be sick,but I'm still here after 30 years, he was sober for 11 years & we were partners & I keep waiting for that person to come back & the idea of starting over at 60 is not a great prospect. It terrifies me. I end up hating myself. I am asking God non-stop to releave me of the bondage of myself. I surrender, give up. I can't stand this anymore, yet I'm terrified about the prospect of leaving or worse yet that he really doesn't love me anymore. I came from the streets & I have no family & never have. I got sober, put myself through college & have been a paralegal now for 25 years or more. I'm my problem & I'm tired & depressed & I feel trapped in pain from rejection. Damn it hurts me! I trust God & feel like things are going well & BAM I get blindsided like this. cry crying.gif



-- Edited by coniolga on Sunday 21st of April 2013 05:28:28 PM

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Bobi Lee
hotrod


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Hi Conolga

I do understand and feel the pain that you are experiencing  I am glad you are sober and attending AA,   I do suggest that you checkout the alanon face to face meetings in your cmmunity  and attend.   It is here that you will receive the support and tools to begin to really love yourself and to take constructive action in your own best interest.

  You are not alone.



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Betty
fprf54


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This is Paul in Youngstown Ohio, I read over the whole post.  In June I too am comming up on my 33 rd, anniversity.  One

day at a time.  I was going to meetings too and some thing was not quite right with me.  I was not happy.  I kept on trying to chase off my neighbors company and was driving me nuts.  I had to get sober first for the first four years, and then I whent to

Ala-Anon.  Just walked in and let the ladies know what I was doing.  I am powerless over Alochol, the alocholic, the addict, their diesases, and can only work on me. 

Today I am more peacefull in my thoughts, and really do enjoy Al-Anon.  I leared a lot of stuff, such as to detach from others with love, is to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people.  The three C's,  I did not cause it, I cannot cure it, nor fix it.  Arguring with a disease is not going to do any good.  At least it did not do any good when I did this.  Only got me worked up.  When they, get us mad, they  win, I was told.  I used to get burned up a lot.  Today those two little words may help out one may be right.

I learned about how to forgive others for me, not what they did, and I am free to live for me.  I too like to workout, and am 58 years old.  I am already handicapped due to addictions, and getting me hurt in accidents.  Now am working hard to get me in shape and this is not easy to do.  I can do about 90 push ups ok, yet I had to start off with just one.  I can do pull ups, about five at a time right now, go for three sets.  I have to eat little meals six times a day.  Take vitiams, and make shure to get plenty of water and rest.  So I do what I can do for this day.  Basically body weight exercises are good to do.  I just keep it simple and stay with it no matter what.  I make a good deal of my own workout equiptment, and still can ride my bicycle about twenty miles a day.  Have not jogged any in a while, will just have to walk slowly for me.   YouTube has a bunch of good stuff

on exercise.



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Paul F.
hotrod


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Posts: 1023
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Thanks Paul for you honest and hearfult share  Congrats on all  your hard work.  That is what it takes to reuild lives.  It certainly does work one day at a time. 



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Betty
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