Step 1 for ACoA

JamesCT · Senior Member

Step 1 for ACoA

DavidG · Senior Member

smile Thanks James... I am thinking about being powerless. I use the word 'manage' and not control.

Control happens when there is a huge boulder falling from the sky- "jump!" And we hope that someone jumps.

But I think we manage in the adult sphere. We see shades of grey, and colours. We share. We collaborate. We can change when we feel like it. And hold fast to what we currently believe.

From un-manage-able to manage-able should be easy. aww

Jacks1964 · Member

I accept that I am powerless over someone else's habits, life etc. As a child, I thought it was my fault that my parents drank, but I realized as a teenager that wasn't true. It still doesn't make me feel any better knowing that I didn't cause it, can't control and cannot cure it. I have been going to Al anon meeting in my area and I feel serenity there for the hr. but as soon as I leave, I feel anxiety. I realize it affects my day to day living. I don't have a sponsor reason being the person I would like to ask I am afraid of her saying NO!, I felt like a rejected person all my life. Whenever possible i go to 2 meetings in a day. I even go to AA meetings to help me understand the other side of the coin. I accept that it is a family disease, but feel so defeated when my Alcoholic friend asks me to take him to an AA meeting and he chooses the meeting he would like me to drive him to, but he drinks as soon as we leave. It is like REALLY! He just came out of detox and started drinking the same day within 1 hr. He says he likes going to the meetings. Tells me he has appointment with a counsellor in November. In my opinion that is too far away, by that time he won't go. When he is drunk he cries and tells me he wishes he was dead and if I knew of one pill that could end it for him then I should get it for him. He says he wants to be with his mom. some people have told me when he talks like that I should call the crisis team to come visit him or talk to him or even call the AA line and perhaps someone will get through to him. I realize he is reaching out for help, but all i can do or will do is offer an ear. I refuse to give him beer etc. I don't mind making dinner and sharing it with him.

DavidG · Senior Member

smile Hi Jacquie,

Welcome to the ACA Steps board. aww

I think people have a lot of anxiety about getting and having a sponsor. I am in Alanon too, here in NZ. My ESH is that the first three steps are best done inside of the group. We have tried so, so hard! it is time to coast a little, and let go a lot!

Steps two and three remove a lot of barriers we have built up. We have a lot of mistrust about everything! Most of us have a deep mistrust of the groups, and of the programme. And a lot of anger too, sometimes.

So there is plenty of time.

When life is so tough we do make progress fairly quickly- catching on. aww The fact is we are in very good company! We have all bin there and done that!

Really, there are no surprises, and no secrets we have not shared.

Take care, and be kind to yourself... aww

DavidG.

New Zealand.

Oaktwig · Newbie

I'm powerless over my family and the generational dysfunction in my family. I cannot change the past or guarantee the future, there is only today, now, this second in time and the experience of that instant. I can control nothing but myself.

I bounced around between steps 1, 2, and 3 in the coda group I was in. It has given me some relief but not enough. I realized that the program was missing something for me, the part that my family played. What was my responsibility and what wasn't. I'm totally clueless when it comes to family interactions. Other people seem to know what to say and do to get help, friends, gifts from people, respect, shows of affection. I don't know how to do that. I'm looking for answers to what I'm missing.

Jacks1964 · Member

My alcoholic tries to blackmail me into giving him money or beer. He will say $2 just for one can of beer, you know when I get money (inheritance) I will give it back to you. I say No, calmly and tell him that I don't want to be the one who gives him that beer that puts him into liver failure. He sometimes has beer in his pocket and will open it up, and I tell him he cannot do that as I am the driver and suffer the consequences of open alcohol in the car. He owes me $10,000. and uses that against me all the time. I pray the serenity prayer everyday several times, reminding me that i am powerless over people, places and things. I just cannot believe that someones higher power would want them to suffer so much (meaning the alcoholic) I pray that his higher power leads him down the right path. I don't want my friend to die. I saw my aunt die as a result of liver failure and my friends dad died the same way. I love him very much, but I refuse for him to live with me until he gets help.

KayCee · Member

I can easily admit I am powerlss today, over alxohol, drug abuse, destructive family behaviors, and all other dysfunction. Powerlessness doesnt mean I am hopless at all...It means that I CAN let go, of rescuing others, of interfering with Gods perfect plan. Im learning more and more everyday that the more I let go, the more I LET GOD.
Its turning out to be a wonderful journey!

Jacks1964 · Member

How do we let go?

hotrod · Guru

Hi Jack

I found that it was easier to "Let Go' if I continued to focus on my thoughts and immediately substituted a slogan or the serenity prayer for the obsessive thought or fear. I refused to entertain the fear or thought for even a moment. I repeated the slogan over and over until the thought lifted and I was again in the present moment. It takes time and practice and is really a process.

abby36 · Newbie

Hi! - I'm new to this board.

ACA step workbook

p 30 Questions:

1. What is my definition of being unmanageable or having an unmanageable life?

When my life is unmanageable, I am like a hamster in a wheel at work. I overdo tasks until I am exhausted. I undermine myself this way. Also, when I feel bad about people I have no control over. This is everyone but myself! I also have tended to just passively live in a reactive way rather than by active construction of my life through initiative.

2. Do I think I can still control people, places,and things by acting right, perfect, or otherwise?

No. I have had people I love lose their sanity and die due to dysfunction and substance abuse. Nothing I ever did to control them helped. Bad things still happened. My efforts to improve their lives via my own opinions were met with no. How presumptuous of me! - I am not a Higher Power! I realize now that when I think I know best for others, I only know what I know. I am not listening to them for how I can best support them without being manipulative.

3. Do I think I have power over other people and can control their actions and thoughts?

No. When it has been highly important to me to control others - for example, their addiction - I have never been met with success. I could not force someone else to get clean, even when I offered them to live with me. It made no difference, as it was their decision. When I have wanted to control my husband into seeking a better job, I couldn't control him either. I can only control my response, my boundaries, and my efforts...

4. Am I letting the thoughts, feelings and actions of others have power over me?

Yes, for years I let my addict brother's actions overshadow me. I would worry about him at times, but the reality was that I never had any control over his actions. I know in reality that how others feel and what they do is not my responsibility. When I feel bad about his choices, I am actually allowing his actions to hurt me, which isn't fair. I wasn't the one that chose to get into the lifestyle which he did.

If I get hung up about my dad and how he enabled him, I'm agonizing about another pattern which wasn't mine. I am minding their business. I asked my dad to stop doing that, but he didn't listen to me. He didn't have to. He was an adult. I don't have power over other adults, so it would be best to let go of the insane idea that I might control them. That never worked when I was a child, and it doesn't work now, either.

5. Do I allow the feelings or possible reaction of others to control me or to determine my behaviour and choices?

I have done this. I have allowed my husband cause a loud fuss, and then I give in. I do this less now, because I'm aware of it. I allowed my brother to not hear how his behaviour made me feel. I regret this, although I know he may have cut off more... I tend to take personally criticism, but logically, I know I cannot please everyone...

6. What does it mean to be codependent?

To me, being codependent means doing for others what they need to do for themselves. I have been obsessed with rescuing others in my life since childhood. It never once worked.

7. Have my relationships created chaos, abuse, or predictable turmoil in my life?

Yes. For years, I would seek out those who are not emotionally available. I am improving at this in gaining healthier friendships.

8. Has my behaviour and thinking affected my job performance or my ability to relate to others?

Yes, I have allowed myself to play a scapegoat role and get blamed for stuff. I have overworked to extreme tiredness.

9. What is my ACA bottom or bottoming out? Have I hit my bottom?

Yes. First, it was my brother's death, then it was episodes of me beating myself up harshly with guilt for what happened to him, as if it was my responsibility. My codependence and over-responsibility response was extreme, and I felt a bit unstable. My family disease and ego were fighting back. It wants me sick and self destructive.

10. Has an obsession for another persons, drugs, gambling, food or sex made my life unmanageable? How?

Yes, I wanted my dad to stop drinking. I plotted. I wanted my brother to stay clean. I obsessed and beat myself up.

11. Is my manageable life actually controlling behavior, which I have mislabeled?

12. Am I in denial about my controlling behavior?

No, not any longer. It has failed me all my life.

13. Can I recover alone?

No, isolation is significant. I need meetings, online groups, to work the steps, a sponsor etc.

14. Do I relate to other adult children in meetings? How?

Yes. I relate to the fearful environment at home, the perfectionism, and the self destruction.

-- Edited by abby36 on Monday 7th of October 2013 10:03:28 AM

Sabin · Member

I am starting the steps again from the adult child view. Feeling powerless or is it helpless over my parents drinking was something that filled me with fear. Knowing that I am powerless, gives me a sense of freedom it was not and never was my responsibility. The shame guilt and pain I carried because of their behaviour was unmanageable for the vunerable child that I was . Now I am an adult I have the power to join other AC and together work the steps and recover from the effects thank God

Sabin · Member

Thanks for your post I found it really helpful as I sometimes forget to replace the old thinking until I am bogged down and then applying the slogans takes so much longer. I choose to be well yawn

ifnotforgrace · Member

Slogan: Let go or be dragged comes to mind

alittlecloser · Newbie

Thank you for posting these questions, and thank you everyone for sharing here. It amazes me how much I see myself, my family and my past in your stories, thoughts, and feelings. It helps me feel I am not alone.

These answers are to help me as I begin my journey... I am putting my faith in the steps because they have worked for so many others, and right now, I need something to hang on to.

-Rose

1. What is my definition of being unmanageable or having an unmanageable life?
An unmanageable life is one in which I cannot sustain myself and my growth in a way that is generally healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I live reactively and have little direction. I don't have confidence that I can successfully maintain a work-life balance. I find even relaxed, casual work makes me anxious because I'm so desperate for the approval of others. Because I have work issues, I have money issues.

I find it hard to just enjoy time off-- even while with friends I often feel anxious and unhappy. I find it hard to complete the tasks I set out to do. I feel angry, sad and hopeless when I think about my family of origin and my parent's drinking, and find it hard to have any relationship with either my parents or my young sister. I have a lot of loneliness. I don't want to go on this way. Lately I find my relationships with my partner and my friends stress me out almost as much as they enrich my life.

2. Do I think I can still control people, places,and things by acting right, perfect, or otherwise?
I know that I cannot control people, places,and things, but I still act as though if only I were better, I could influence them to be the way I want them. I think my actions reveal that I still, deep down, believe in my power to control my world through positive influence and manipulation.

3. Do I think I have power over other people and can control their actions and thoughts?
No, but again, I hang on to the idea that I can influence them. I know that I really don't have control over others, but I keep trying to intervene as though I do. It is a hard pattern of thought and behavior for me to break.

4. Am I letting the thoughts, feelings and actions of others have power over me?

Absolutely. I get very easily overwhelmed by the "dark clouds" hanging over the heads of others. Sometimes I think I lose myself in the people around me so I don't have to face my own demons, doubts, and negative self-talk.

5. Do I allow the feelings or possible reaction of others to control me or to determine my behaviour and choices?

Definitely! I am always trying to anticipate what others will respond to my actions. It is paralyzing. I'm often full of self-doubt and indecision.

6. What does it mean to be codependent?

To me, to be codependent means to rely on another being to live: meaning, you take on their problems, their goals, their needs and wants, and expect them to do the same for you.

7. Have my relationships created chaos, abuse, or predictable turmoil in my life?

With my family, yes. I have also had issues getting subsumed by some of my friends who have big personalities. I have friends who can be manipulative, but most of them are not.

In my love life I feel like I'm the one creating turmoil.

I have constantly found myself in abusive work environments, of constant uncompensated overtime, verbally abusive bosses or bosses who are scattered and expect me to "figure out" how to fix things without giving me clear direction.

8. Has my behaviour and thinking affected my job performance or my ability to relate to others?
I overwork and sell myself short, believing that my work will never be acceptable. I let a lack of confidence cause indecision and decrease my effectiveness and efficiency. I don't aspire to what I'm interested in, and take instead whatever's available.

9. What is my ACA bottom or bottoming out? Have I hit my bottom?
I think I hit "a" bottom, but it could definitely get worse. My bottom so far is not so bad in terms of the manifestation in my external life. But I am at a point where I feel totally stalled, unable to find a healthy way of coming to terms with my past, find ways to live each day feeling OK, or to make the decisions and plans that would help me create a future for myself. I don't have a job or a permanent home right now, which is by choice. But I know that I'm not ready to commit to a real, even semi-permanent life for myself.

Often recently I've felt overwhelmed by a feeling of total hopelessness. How is it that my life can seem OK on the outside, but I'm so full of despair? I fear what it means for my future. Emotionally, I've at bottom. I feel like I can't wait any longer to find help.

10. Has an obsession for another persons, drugs, gambling, food or sex made my life unmanageable? How?
I have allowed myself to put my own development on hold while I worried about my parent's addiction. I let my feelings about the addiction overwhelm me.

11. Is my manageable life actually controlling behavior, which I have mislabeled?
I don't believe my life is manageable.

12. Am I in denial about my controlling behavior?
No. I need to acknowledge that I'm really controlling.

13. Can I recover alone?
No, I want to be a part of a network of ACAs. We have a lot to learn from one another. I have already learned so much from being here.

14. Do I relate to other adult children in meetings? How?
Absolutely. I relate to so many childhood memories, present-day struggles with our current relationships, our pursuits of new life skills, learning to reparent.

trraacy · Newbie

I LOVE being powerless. It is the most liberating and freeing feeling.

Its like flying.

It gives me the freedom I have craved all my life.

At least when I remember to admit it, or I am not grabbing the steering wheel back :o)

Otherwise my character defects start getting busy.

How did I let go? I hit bottom and had no choice but to acknowledge it, although it was still a choice, if that makes any sense.

I'm new here and looking forward to getting to know you all,
Tracy

alittlecloser · Newbie

I was born into a family with intergenerational dysfunction and struggles with addiction. Just as I had no control of which family I joined on this earth, I have no control over how they live today. I have no control over the things that others choose to do.

I still have fears. Am I hurting my mother's recovery by distancing myself from her? When she throws me a bone, sends me a message, am I hurting her if I do not respond? I try to focus on my feelings and my life. I try to remember to take care of me, to not let myself get consumed by guilt.

As a girl and as a child of an alcoholic, I was socialized to care more for others than I do for myself. To put their feelings and needs first. My feelings of happiness were supposed to come from theirs. But what happens is I feel distraught when others aren't happy. When they are, I am still vigilant.

I learned to try to manage other people's feelings in my FOO because if I didn't anticipate them, the wrath would descend on me. In retrospect, there was little I could do about my mother's anger, resentment, and projected self-loathing. Any anticipation I attempted had no impact on her behavior. I could never be good or obedient or successful enough to stave off my parents' disapproval.

I am a person with compassion and empathy who was raised in the US. I have been made to feel that it is GOOD and NOBLE to care for others before you care for yourself. I learned that it was positive to take actions that would improve the lot of others, whether for a moment or for a year. I have found connection with people through my compassion for them, throughout my life. I am terrified of loneliness. Taking care of myself, at least in the short term, does not win me friends as easily. I do not know how to care for myself. I can't even identify what I need.

For me, step 1 and 're-centering on self,' to paraphrase DavidG, are totally intertwined. I can look at my life and admit my powerlessness over alcoholism and family dysfunction as an idea. I am having trouble letting go of that will to act when no one else will. It has guided me in this world for so long, it is a part of me.

Learn how the 12 Steps work. Participate in your own recovery as well as the recovery of others, by being active on this board as we go through the 12 Steps of recovery together! We discuss each of the Twelve Steps In the order they are written, one step at a time, every two weeks.