I was an abused child also, and my sister was even more abused than I. As a result of  being terribly hurt by my own parents, repeatedly,,  I cannot trust anyone,,, no one, not even myself. And it is not only that I fear people hurting each other on purpose,,, even people who have the best intentions hurt...  by accident, or by mistake. My understanding of God, for a long time, was according to what some people teach,,,  God is like a father. Well, in my case that is not good at all. I spent my life trying to protect myself from my parents, siblings, classmates.

I have a Christian background, and, after beginning recovery, because the PTSD was just horrible, I was sitting in an empty church one afternoon, during a flashback in which all seemed darkness. I struggled to get through it,,, and I began to feel intense anger, rage in fact. And I felt anger at God for allowing me to be so hurt. And, in my mind, I yelled at God that He could just 'shove it'.  I waited for lightening to strike me. Being angry at my earthly father resulted in a beating. Nothing happened. I sat there in my rage. Waiting for an answer from God,,,  like a sudden heart attack and then landing in hell once and for all. Nothing happened. I sat there. It kind of looked like God might be letting me be angry. I cried. The darkness lifted enough so I felt that I could get up and go home, and I did.

I struggled with that for months, talking honestly to God. But listening too. How do we listen to God? Sometimes we do receive inspiring thoughts. Sometimes it is through reading Scriptures, and sometimes by listening to a wise person. My understanding of God went through, and is still going through change. He is not like my human father.  He is much better, not tired, not cranky, not too busy, merciful, actually really Loving, and wise. (This is my current understanding.)  I had a verse up on my refridgerator till it wore out, Romans 8:28, "All things work for good for those who love God and are called to His purposes."  That helps me. 

Sometimes we have to go through certain things for a greater long run good. Like go to dentists. I just had my appendix removed too,,, that was painful, and the doctor did it.  A harder thing,,  I saw a man today who had recently been beat up, and looked awful. I have to believe that somehow,,  God is going to work that out in this man's life. Sometimes, when I am experiencing something bad, I ask God,,  like a challenge...  "ok, God,,  how are you going to work this one out?"

Ok, now,,  as I said,  I have a Christian background, though also a Native American one. I personally believe in Jesus, though I understand and respect that other people have other understandings of Higher Power. That said, I believe that God, the Father, let Jesus die on a Cross..   wow,,  how is that for not protecting a child?  But the thing with that is that He did work that out for good. Jesus rose again and opened up heaven for us, which is even a greater good than if he'd died from pneumonia and everything remains the same as before.. that death is death.

The times that my mom used to give me sleeping pills, around 12 years old, if I cried, are over and past. I survived and I am now a person who cares for and helps other people, in recovery.   It's the recovery that makes the difference, eh?  And there is hope for recovery, and that is what the Step is about. Letting God do the 'working it out' part.

amanda