Thank you Betty for taking the time to share :)

One night I sat in the car while the little one slept waiting for my older daughter to come out from dance. I proclaimed that night daddy/daughter night. It seemed every girl was being picked up by their dad. I sighed and felt that old stinging pain of what have I done to my daughters...There is this overwhelming sense of guilt that I have neglected to give my daughters the father's they so deserved. I understand the should have's are quite useless. All I can do is the best I can. Once in awhile though I observe something and that guilt surfaces.
I question myself as to why I have this deep incredible craving for affection. Why is it I want that human contact with a man? I understand the initial honeymoon stages and know that it changes. I would be ok with change... not okay with complete lack of though. How is that okay? Its like having a new baby or new puppy. When its new you nurture and grow and then it does not require as much attention. But you cant just decide one day you are never going to pet the dog or hug the baby again. That kind of rejection hurts a lot. How do I let go? How do I stop questioning my worthiness of love and affection?
I'm afraid to let a man touch me again...I might crumble. When I spoke with an old friend we talked about simply being able to just see each other again so he could give me a great big hug. We are friends from a long time ago, there are only good memories.Opportunity knocked and I ran like stink in the other direction. We live 2 hours away. I took my kids to see their Nana in the same town where he lives, he literally lives around the block. He knew I was coming and was waiting for me to show up. I got scared and didn't go. I knew if I felt his arms around me again I would crumble and weep uncontrollably. He would never do anything to make me feel uncomfortable but I fear falling apart. If I avoid it, it will just go away...hah...no not so much.
Lots of work to do, one day at a time. Taking personal inventory is really ripping away at all the wrapping I have done over the years to cover up my fears. Scared to uncover what I might find.... will I find that I felt my kindness and thoughtfulness deserved a reward? Did I think if I could just have been more what A wanted then maybe he would have been able to hold me....no he is very very sick sick sick.
I need recovery. I need time to heal. I need time to not just heal this time. I need time to grow. I need to learn how to completely let go of my resentments, anger and frustrations. I want to love me more than ever before. Time and patience and slowly but surely day by day a little by little I will change. It wont happen overnight. I will still fumble but I refuse to fail. Progress not perfection.

 

 

At first when I heard the 4th step read at the earliest of meetings I knew what that "ourselves" pronoun meant...it suggested that I point the finger back at myself and I felt astounded at the suggestion that I would be at fault in anyway.  I was there because of her and not because of me and later I learned about denial.  My first 4th step attempt long after I got into Al-Anon got me kicked out of my sponsors house because I was expecting her to do it...not help me but actually do it.  I would write while she recite...didn't work and she pointed me in the way of another sponsor, a male and great 4th step mentor.  I started out slow looking at what was required from me on this step...It was to be searching, it was to be fearless (nothing held back and nothing to get into the way of absolute honesty), and it was to be moral...the difference between good and bad.   I was already taught that I would not get it perfect and it would take time and over time I would learn more and so that is how it went for me...fearless and searching over time and by the time I was done I had done six of them ...each one more searching than the last and just before the last one I had learned about looking for and finding and admitting to the "tap root" character defect which all others were attached to and when that was done I knew and knew that I knew what had to be corrected...brought into alignment with my HP and it fit so properly with much of what I learned up till then of what the problem was.  I already knew the acronym for EGO...Easing God Out  and that was the one word on the page of my last 4th step.  My tap root is EGO.  My sponsor got the page and read it and then came to me and asked "Okay...now what"?   The solution for me is the opposite of EGO...the opposite is OGE (not being smart) which stands for Offering God Entry.   I do this 24/7 because along with this 4th step process I was also working on prayer and meditation with my sponsor and he helped me to dilute both down into simple uncomplicated parts.  Prayer is conversation and my conversation with my Higher Power is "Place me where you want me....Tell me what to do"...that's it.  My meditation also has been diluted down to the simplest of spiritual truths which I can hold on to 24/7..."God is".  I went after step 4 because not only did it contain the truth and connection between me and the disease of alcoholism and my part in it; it also contained the my part in every other thing in my life.

Great posts.   ((((hugs)))) and with love.   

Thank you Mari

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 6th of November 2013 10:04:07 PM

I think that this is a step that I shall need to do numerous times because I've never been use to looking at myself - I've always thought that others were more interesting. I did not realise that if I did not keep an eye on my needs I would fall down holes time and time again.

So being flummoxed by the inconsideration of being in an alcoholic relationship I found myself wondering how I got here. I think your question 'what stands in the way (of looking at myself)?' makes me want to answer 'me!' Why? Because I don't think I deserve the attention. Which is silly, because I'm craving a bit of loving attention and have been all my life. Now I find myself in a situation where there is no one around and I am finding out that I'm not as clever or resourceful as I thought I was. I have lots of ideas of how I would like to spend my time but what do I do instead? Tiptoe around the place trying to keep hubby happy. How silly is that (and infuriating for both of us I expect).

I have never been good at asking for help or for saying 'I can't handle this'. Net result, here I am living a thousand miles away from people I love.

What does searching mean to me? Looking for answers and understanding I think. I suspect that it should be about looking for peace and no need for answers.

What does moral mean? For me this means not harming others through my actions. It also means honesty.

Do I harbour grudges? I didn't think that I did this much but I am having a really really hard time trying to get over AH's affair. I think that everything I feel on that subject could be boiled down to being a grudge. And I have a horrid feeling that the reason why my feelings about this are so strong is because my father had an affair and left our household for four years when I was a little girl. My mum had a breakdown, including attempted suicide, and ever since I've been trying to make things alright. And of course most things are alright - I just wish that I could stop trying to people please so much and I wish that someone would take care of me for a change. But why would they do that? Shouldn't I be taking care of myself by now? So I'm not that skilful at dropping expectations either!!

Do I resent authority and judge others? Not really. One thing that I was blessed with as a child is contact with a very wide range of people - from underprivedged to leaders of industry - and what I learnt about that was that it was how people behaved that mattered, how considerate they were of those around them. I come from very polite roots. Oh, I see pointers as I write this - what I did not see much of or learn to admire was people showing consideration to themselves.

How do I judge myself. I suspect that is coming through loud and clear - I judge myself fairly badly. I undervalue my achievements and inflate my shortcomings. I don't take my own advice.

Am I fearful. I'm getting more fearful now I'm in my 50's.

Am I dishonest? Ouch!! In the sense that I think that everything is wonderful, and I think that if I can hold that thought for long enough everything WILL be wonderful then yes, I am dishonest. My thinking is not wonderful at the moment.

I think I might go back to steps 1 and 2 again. But I did want to show myself a little here as well. (Is it being dishonest that I don't 'show myself' to others easily?

Thank you for letting me share.

Oh boy, this is a tough one


Am I willing to look honestly at myself What stands in my way

I'm starting to try looking honestly at myself. It helps feeling so safe an understood here
What stands in my way is shame. My feelings, actions and beliefs really horrify me. I've done some pitiful things, for such ridiculous reasons. It's very hard to confront the person that I have been. It's easier to hide behind someone else's bad behaviour or pretend that I did all of the wrong things for all of the right reasons. But if I keep hiding from it, I guess I'll always be trapped behind it.

Have I sought help from my HP my sponsor, other alanon members
HP yes, others yes. I don't have a sponsor. I'm mostly doing this online and I know that isn't as much as I should be doing but it's still helping a lot. I'm starting to learn that it's OK to reach out to others and that is bleeding through to my "real world" experiences too (I'm less defensive).

What does searching mean to me?
Continuing to look and examine even when it gets uncomfortable or starts to hurt.

What does moral mean to me?
What's right according to what i feel (not according to any code I have tried to proclaim that I live by but what I actually FEEL).

Do I harbor grudges?
Yes. But I'm getting WAY better at letting them go. For example, I stayed at my mothers last night and I could hear my younger brother and his girlfriend "being frisky" in the next room and at first I felt angry because even when I was engaged my parents wouldn't allow me to spend a night under their roof with my fiance. But you know what? It shows me that my parents and my brothers have a better relationship than they had with me and what on earth would I gain by getting angry about that? It means the people I care about are getting along and being tolerant with each other and that's a good thing. That's just a very recent example Maybe not so relevant.

Do I resent authority Do I judge others harshly?
I have never been able to tolerate authority. Oh no, do I have to deal with that? I don't know if I can!
I don't think I judge others harshly. Probably the opposite. I sometimes judge my daughter too harshly when I think she is showing weakness or trying to "fit in" but I'm aware of it and the fact that I am trying to protect her from feeling the way that I do. So I try to be mindful and stay quiet.

How did I Judge myself
I judge myself horribly. I tell myself I am undeserving, pathetic, disgusting. When my ex husband left me I would have entire conversations with myself where I told myself I was pathetic and useless and the world would be better off without me. It was awful. I can be awful to myself.

Am I fearful?
Yes, very. Of everything. I'm afraid if I leave the house the dog will die. I'm afraid if I try to drive a car I'll kill myself and everyone else on the road within a 5 mile radius. I'm afraid I've left the heater on so I'd better go home and check.....and it might be best if I don't go out again because what if I left my computer turned on and the ABF reads what I have been writing about? I'm afraid of bees. FFS, I'm not even allergic. I'm afraid of being eaten by a shark when I walk knee-deep in the ocean. I'm afraid of EVERYTHING.

Am I dishonest?..
Yes, frequently. I try to pretend everything is fine and lovely and I'm quite alright, thank-you very much. Things aren't perfect because circumstances have been difficult and it has nothing whatsoever to do with anything I have done wrong and I'm tired because I have a migraine (not because I stayed up all night watching Breaking Bad on my computer).

STEP FOUR ~ QUESTIONS Continued

1. Do you have the feeling "if you REALLY knew me, you wouldn't you like me?"
Yes, it has kept me from making any real friends throughout my life.

2. Now that you have turned your will and your life over to the care of your HP, are you willing to trust that HP to get you through this process?
Yes. It's a big relief.



4. Are you anxious to get this work done, so that you can move toward a more fuller living experience? Can you benefit from emotional healing? Yes, yes and yes.

5. What are your fears regarding a 4th Step? That if I look at myself honestly, the pain and shame will destroy me.

I have promised to share on this and regret not having completed this to the point I would have liked to by now.  I'm working with my sponsor on it and doing my 4th step along with my 5th step at the same time.  I'm also using the exercise workbook entitled "Blueprints for Progress" which I would highly recommend as it lays out by chapters questions I need to review in my life.

This covers the Serenity prayer, What step four is all about , The purpose of this step, Honesty, Self-worth, Fear, Anger, Resentments, (which is why it's taking me so long) Justification, Control, Attitudes, Communication, Responsibilities and these are only the ones I've written my truth on so far.  

There is also Finances, Guilt, Shame, Relationships, Trust, Commitment, Gratitude, Love, Intimacy, Maturity, Sex (which is why you pick a sponsor of your own sex) Values, Character Traits, Character Checklist & Spirituality followed by a summary and review of the steps & traditions.

When I began this, not to say I haven't peeked my toe into the water on this step for nearly 8 yrs now.  I realized my biggest fear or concern was How would I be judged if once I've written all of this out and someone in my family finds it.  So I hadn't even mentioned to my family that I've been working this now for a few solid weeks.  When it came up by my one son that is taking courses to become a Drug and Alcohol counselor that he wishes to work through my resentments with me someday.  I blurted out I'm working on them now.  His face lit up he was so pleased and proud.  He went on to say "Mom, by identifying them and your reasons behind them you'll be so much happier to have finally set them down."  Wow.

My Sponsor (same one I've had now for ages) said to me when I asked her why she felt I was fearing this step so badly.  That there is nothing to fear the hardest part in this step is being honest with yourself.  That's the point, at the times in my life I've made what I felt were mistakes I realize now I also made justifications for those mistakes.  This step allows me to as others before me have said, look at my part in it.  

Just like the A's in our lives, that can't have action until they have awareness and acceptance then the action can begin, so it is with Al-anon.  Looking at our part in all of these topics at any pace that we feel comfortable in doing then moving towards acceptance so we can take action to move through them.  

No one can clean a house until they pull back the curtains and let the light in to see what has been disturbed for whatever reason.  Shedding light on things we've felt were laid to rest or justified are maybe best reviewed when we are willing to look at it as a whole.  

The truly amazing discovery is my sponsor (as any good sponsor does) doesn't judge me for any of my revelations she loves me in the same unconditional manner in which my higher power already loves me and there is no one who needs to forgive me accept me.

Being honest, bottom line, not quick, not simple but very enlightening and revealing.  

     

 

 

 

-- Edited by Peggy7 on Saturday 16th of November 2013 11:13:24 PM

I would not let you near so I kept the focus on you and off me.

wow hotrod, like a watch dog; guard dog .. this is one of the reasons i obsessed for years literally on the other .. it was about guarding the grounds and making sure You don't do anything to come close .. crazy to see something so clear i have seen blurried for so many years .. i've had much awareness on the obsession piece but this i'm hearing Today !! i may be a dollar late and a day short to share these postings but grateful to be reading these .. a big hearty hug filled Thanks ..

on my 4th now and realising this is where i check to see what i and others may be in need of my forgiveness for too .. growing up i learned to sort of go to god and admit, then me .. never others .. don't ask how that came except today i see the 4th step is finally where i look at me first .. admit to me first .. then go to God and admit to Him alongside my sponsor .. what a beautiful gift .. the 5th is where more of the better understanding comes in .. when shared with god and sponsor .. forgiveness i'm finding is a natural process .. when i can't forgive, there's usually a reason there .. and it's usually because i dont' understand or see the situation clearly .. when i do forgive today seeing there's times it's not even a word .. it's a sigh of relief, an insight a natural understanding that heals the resentment .. no need to say it out lourd even .. although i could .. do, etc ..
when i wonder how i'm going to forgive myself (secretly) as i still do, realise the 4th and 5th are the door to me .. i only need to open it, let god and sponsor in, and the rest will heal .. i love your line up there about let me spend time redirecting to me .. keeping me busy enough .. well i can certainly see how now .. the 4th takes Time time time .. (((( Ty ))))