STEP ONE

MY SHARE

My name is Cindy & I am a very grateful member of MI Al-Anon

I could admit & see that my life was unmanageable but I could never understand why...knowing now through recovery that I truly was powerless over alcohol and....I learned I was powerless over all people, places & things:) I thought I was God I'm sure of it, if only I could get my husband (my A) to see the light...I learned I could only change & fix me, so I put the focus on myself & dove into Al-Anon:) I had arrived "HOME" at my very first meeting....I finally belonged ! My life didn't have to stay unmanageable, I could trust my HP, get a sponsor, work the 12 steps & let go. I was told at my 1st meeting, "you never have to go through anything alone again, unless you choose to" & In all these years, I have chosen to never ever go through anything alone again! Thanks to all of you!

 

 

 

When I reached the doors of Al-Anon I was living in my head which I didn't know a the time was a very dangerous neighborhood to be in.  I rationalize everything and thought that what and how I came up with were substantial proof.  So I was wrong and it took two trips to get me to find a long term seat in the program.  I really didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know back then.  Some call it denial and others "'dumb as a stick" either way I was still powerless over the disease of alcoholism, the alcoholic/addict, the bottle, the bar tender all of it and hadn't come to saying it out loud so that I could hear myself say it.  I got the second part of the 1st step right off.  After all I was feeling crazy and sitting in a room full of other crazy women without wanting to know what else was good on television.  I was done and I needed to hear myself say it.  I came to say it and then came to understand also that it didn't mean I was hopeless or helpless...that was what the program and the fellowship was about if I could just keep myself from trying to control anything.  That wasn't that hard because I knew I was crazy and knew how to say "uncle"!! and I did. 

Part of my reluctance I learned came from my oppositional defiant personality which was a defense to the disease I was born into.  I resisted almost everyone and everything because it all came thru my family of orgin and I learned later I didn't trust them or anyone else.  I was the only one I could trust and then came to understand that I was the last one I should.  I had problems...mind, body, spirit and emotions.   Before I reached the doors or Al-Anon or just inside of the doors I started coming to the realization that I either forced myself to reach out for help from the fellowship or I died by my own hand.  I was done and needed to hear and see myself reach out to the people in the rooms and ask for help.  Lived thru that one.  The steps have become my management style.  I have adapted them to my everyday life.  I got rid of my "I can fix anything" attitude and adopted an attitude of asking myself if I have the time, ability and facility to take on things that are not a part of my own life.  I get to think about what is in front of me rather than leaping at it by default.  I have learned that being humble is being teachable and being teachable takes time so I take time and think..."can I, should I, do I want to, do I know how to, can others do it better and should others be called.  I love the statement "It's not my job" especially if of course it isn't.  I love most of all asking my Higher Power "If there is anything here you see that I can help with...tell me now or I'm out of here".   That one has always worked since I found the doors of our program cause HP just loves the new me that listens, asks and then does as directed.    (((((hugs))))) 

Hello,
A new member here, trying out this format for Al-Anon Step work.

Although I have done step work thu AA, I started first in Al-Anon but did not complete the step work for Al-Anon and would like to try to do that.

Currently, I am in a stuck place inside (nothing like motivation!). I lost my career 2 years ago after a nasty and dishonest battle towards me, retired, and am at a loss. I find myself over-focusing on a couple of my (AA sober) husband's issues...so I know it is time for Al-Anon. I am bored, self-loathing and not doing things I want to be doing. (I do work part time and have 2 part time volunteer jobs plus some responsibilities at home.)

I can hardly believe that I am in this internal mess I am in. So I will start with Step 1.

when I was ready....it wasn't difficult at all.......seeing the tragedy of it all and seeing my life was in the process of going to crap.
Doing stuff I never thought I would do....in otherwords not responsible in my own life, to busy focusing on a cure for my daughter.
By going to meetings and reading literature, I saw that I need not stay stuck in this "place"....That beautiful people don't just happen.
Suffering and loss and defeat were transformed into an appreciation of life and a sensitivity and understanding that fills them with compassion and a deep loving concern for other Anons. So step 2 and 3 followed rather quickly.
thanks Anons.......my name is Deb

Hi Betty and Y'all,

Betty this is a very different Step One from me... hope you don't mind.

As  type this I am looking out on mountains on three sides. This was once a sleepy little town- not quite so much now... 

...in June sometime I will be in your neck of the woods... and would love to come to a big city meeting... with skyscrapers all around and a place filled with people! I can find my way around today because of the GPS, a god-send for a country boy. But it would be great to come to a meeting where was at least one friendly face...

...so closer to the time would be okay to get a time and a place for a meeting...? I would love to be at a meeting with you and your pals/gals... 

 DavidG.

Gee thanks Betty... 

Did anyone answer Rose Ann? You may post and answer the questions here I believe. I did.

-- Edited by flopadopilus on Thursday 6th of March 2014 04:58:52 AM

Hi.  My name is Ken (KennyFenderjazz on the other board) and I am a grateful member of Al Anon.

This actually is not a terribly hard step for me.  I am pretty accepting in most areas of life, except in alcoholism.  My AWs behavior when active drives me crazy, the irrationality and manipulativeness.  She became an A later in life, and it changed her personality almost 180 degrees.

Having said this, step 1 would have been impossible 6 months ago

 Do I accept that I cannot control another persons drinking? Another persons behavior?

I accept this.  After many examples where I tried to control her drinking, I give up.  I have yelled at her on the phone to stay put when she was at the grocery store and I knew she was buying it when already drunk, I have had her mom over to smack sense into AW when she got so drunk we missed a concert we both were looking forward to, I have dumped half-drank bottles of vodka etc etc etc.  The acceptance of Step 1 is actually a huge relief that I dont have to do this, in fact that it is actually a sign of insanity on my part.

How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

My AW became an A in her 40s.  So I recognized that she has her own behaviors when she was sober.  Yes, she is very different from me.  Not bad, just different, the spice of life, right?  However, when she became A it was very hard to separate her alcoholism from me.  I felt at least somewhat responsible for it, and definitely felt responsible for helping her control it.  She was ashamed of it, and didnt accept it, and didnt want it to happen.  She wasnt constantly drunk, she is a binger, so between binges she would psychologically beat on herself and me and our son mercilessly.  But I could still see her old self in there.

Now that she is in recovery, I see her struggles with acceptance, which really has been one of the major struggles of her life.  I appreciate her struggles, and I also appreciate that it is a disease that she cant control except with very specialized help.

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

Yes.  That acceptance has changed me completely.  When I hear someone in the news that has killed their children because they were driving drunk, or the news that Phillip Seymour Hoffman ODed, my reactions are totally different  than 1 year ago.  Before it would have involved expletives and questions like cant they control themselves?  With the understanding of the disease model, I now think How awful, this person is breaking someones heart!  I have more pity and understanding for them than before.

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

Prior to this, I would have said Im not a very controlling person.  However, I have come to see myself as a very passive/aggressive person.

I will say yes instead of no because it is just sometimes easier to do.  Its easier to do because I dont have to debate merits of a decision, and I dont have to state my opinion, which may or may not even exist.

I will get internally angry (and externally pouty) to not have to do something, instead of just saying no or expressing my opinion.  Its a control issue, I believe, in that I think I can control a situation by just not doing something, seeming angry, but never actually saying no.  Saying no allows someone to disagree with me, but just not doing something means I WIN!  I know its really irritating, because I run into other people like this at my workplace, and they drive me nuts.  While I dont accept responsibility for my AWs alcoholism, this passive/aggressive behavior is part of what caused her to start drinking because it effectively made her feel like she had no say in a number of issues.  If I were confronted with it on a day-to-day  basis, I would probably start drinking too!

I have been told many times by AW that I am mean.  I really had no idea what she was talking about, I really didnt.  I now am coming to understand that the anger bottled up inside me from living a passive/aggressive life full of denial has turned me into a bitter old man.  This is NOT a legacy that I want to leave.  If I were to die tomorrow I dont want my son to remember me as a pretty good dad, but one who was grump and mean all the time.

What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

The means I use are passive/aggressive, as stated above.  They have failed miserably.

How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

Im now attempting to get to the point where I can say what I mean, mean what I say, and dont say it mean.  To me, that means I am allowed and even encouraged to tell my wife how I feel about a behavior or opinion that I disagree with.  Once I can see my point has been communicated, I drop it, and after that, all I can do is pray to HP and wait for her to respond.  I try to keep my expectations low, high expectations is a breeding ground for resentment, which is a breeding ground for anger, which, for me turns into pouting and petulance and generally makes me become disagreeable to live with.

Before my acceptance, I would have tried various ways of looking for and hiding bottles, nagging her to stop, hugging her when she doesnt drink and berating her when she does.  I said it mean A LOT.

What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?

Living life around me would become a lot more pleasant.  I would live the serenity prayer, so I would become more serene instead of angry and resentful.

How can I let go of others problems instead of trying to solve them?

In general, I dont think I try to solve others problems, with the exception of AWs drinking.  Through the practice of detachment, saying it but not saying it mean,

Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

No and no.

In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

When my AW drinks.  When my son is failing (yeah, I think Im setting him up.  I think Im not as enabling as some, but he is now 13, and I need to start making sure that he can start flying from the nest)

In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone elses behavior?

When AW is drinking.

What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

My AWs drinking.  When she went to AA, I decided I would go to Al Anon.  Her first inpatient center said it would be good, so I did it trying to support her.  I went to a couple of meetings, and got some hope.  I was intellectually ready for the Al Anon message, but not yet ready in my heart, so it didnt last long.

I wasnt sure what to expect from Al Anon, I didnt have too much expectations.  I didnt expect it to tell me how to make my wife stop drinking, I just really had no idea what to expect, other than I knew that it was recommended to co-alcoholics to go to it.

But I do now understand its emphasis on MY recovery, on taking care of MYSELF.  The first point is why the airlines tell you to take care of your oxygen before you put the mask on your child.  If you arent OK, then there isnt anybody else to take care of you, yourself, and your A.

I now understand that taking care of my A doesnt involve enabling.  It involves leaving her to her own drunkenness, and her own sobriety.  It means that, if she were to start drinking again, I would not panic but step back and exert proactive control over the situation of boundaries that AW and I have already agreed to.

Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.

My son and AW have remarked about me being a grumpy bear.  My AW can tell that I havent been taking good care of myself.  I never have been good at it, but its gotten worse since active A started.  In spite of my doctors advice, I havent had my 50-year old preventive colonoscopy (Im now 53) yet because I dont trust her enough to get me to the hospital and help me recover.

How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

When I have that pit-in-the-stomach obsessiveness that I am afraid my AW is drinking.  I have now gained consciousness of that feeling and can calm myself down when it happens.  So now I know my life is unmanageable when I have that obsessiveness and I feel I cant deal with it. 

How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?

By being a nice guy and rarely stating my opinion.

Do I say yes when I want to say no? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?

All the time.  In fact, while doing this exercise, my AW is at an AA meeting.  She asked if I was going to pick up groceries from our list while she was in the meeting.  I said no, I have other things to do.  We will pick up the groceries together after your meeting.  This was a struggle for me, but the bad mood I expected from my wife didnt come, probably because I answered in a pleasant voice rather than a petulant voice.  But it is always a struggle.  I was never allowed to say no to my parents, even once growing up, so it has stuck with me.  I have always been like this with my AW, and she has two reactions:  Doesnt like it, because it feels like a lie to her, yet subconsciously likes it because I am easy to take advantage of.

Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?

I take care of others, in a superficial manner anyway.  Yes, I find it difficult to take care of myself.  I like to run and bike and stay fit, but when in crisis all that drops.

How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

I feel pretty good when life is going smoothly.  I dont feel the need to manufacture a crisis.  However, a crisis does make me feel more alive, I have to admit.  I would rather manage by crisis than by proactivity at work as well.

How well do I take care of myself?
Not well.  Lately I havent taken any time for me.  Its been either all about AW, or all about helping son.  Also dont schedule doctor and dentist appointments for me.

How do I feel when I am alone?

Bored.  When I am home alone I work around the house.  Anything to keep from thinking about myself.

What is the difference between pity and love?

I don't have an answer for that.   It's a fascinating question.  I will have to think about that, there may be some reason it isn't making sense for me.

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

No.  Before she became an A I didnt think she needed fixing.  We both had fixing of our own to do, and I had/have perhaps more fixing to do on my side of the street.  She is much more likely to try to help people who are unhelpable.  Although that is changing since she is now in recovery.

Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

No, I dont trust my feelings.  Before I suppressed feelings a lot.  They made me uncomfortable, illogical, and out of control.  But my new exposure to alcoholism and its secrets and denial, and now exposure to AlAnon, is making me question everything.  I think thats a good thing, and am ready to move on to start trusting my feelings.

By way of intro, my name is Kate, and Im an alcoholic. Ive been in recovery for over 6 years now, and Im not thinking about picking up again, but Im starting to realize that my recovery would benefit from Alanon as well because of being around the struggles my DH is going through. Call it what you will: midlife crisis, deep depression, untreated Alanon-ism?? The bottom line is he cant live with himself, his friends or his family, and he has binges of self-pity which pop up every few weeks and get in the way of other things I would rather be doing. He has estranged himself from his siblings. He does not like going out with friends. He feels uncomfortable in every social situation (even sitting in church). I have let it interfere with my own serenity, and I have to stop that, so here goes.
Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?
It is difficult to admit that I cannot help my DH. I have not yet figured out how to be loving and detached at the same time. Its hard to watch someone you love(d) struggle with something that looks like it should be I hate to use the word manageable. Having gone through my own Steps a few times and realizing that there is an easier, softer way through honesty and willingness, its hard to see that realization elude him. What makes it more difficult is that he isnt an alcoholic. He had to live with my alcoholism for years, and it would be so much easier for all of us if he would admit his own powerlessness and start working a set of steps to lead him back into the sunlight. But hes so busy being fearful, unique and suffering that he wont give it an honest chance. Hes tried a couple of Alanon in-person meetings in our area, and he couldnt see the similarities. He admits he didnt give it a fair chance, but he isnt willing to try again.
Simultaneously, its painful to watch him suffer from the same fear over and over again, and its disgusting to know that there is a solution that he just wont avail himself of. Yes, I know how controlling this sounds, but I had to type it out loud to hear how mean it sounds. I am trying to control his behavior, and it still isnt working, but I dont know how to unhook myself from this and let him do his thing until hes done.
How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable?
I try to predict the bouts of self-pity. He tells me hes no good, just so he can hear me argue the point, just so he can shoot me down. I dont know how to avoid these episodes, and I dont want to answer him honestly because he is needy, selfish and clingy. He already knows those answers, so what good does it do to say them out loud?
Instead, I try to answer so that he wont have anything he can use against me later, anything he can hold up and say, See?? I did ___ because you said ___, and now everythings ruined! My AA sponsor calls that future tripping and tells me to turn it over to my HP, and I know shes right. He has to deal with his own messes. But Im afraid of leaving myself open to abuse because Ive been honest with him. I dont want him to accuse me of being responsible for his bad choices, and I havent let go of the fact that they are *his* choices, and its not up to me whether he makes them or not.
What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else?
I dont want to be wrong. Its fear. Pure and simple. I dont know how to be detached and loving at the same time. I dont know how not to try to fix his problems, how not to feel responsible for him being where he is emotionally. I dont trust him enough to let him go through the entirety of the pain by himself. I need to let all that go, but I dont know how. And I know he wont find his bottom until I quit helping.
In what way does my denial hamper my ability to let go of people places and situations?
See above: I dont trust him enough to let him find his own bottom and seek help in his own time.
How does step one change my perspective about the disease of alcohol is?
I dont really understand that questions wording, but I do understand my own alcoholism. It thrives on fear and isolation. I know its doing pushups behind me somewhere, waiting for this fear to grow, and the only thing keeping it behind me is my own willingness to seek help and listen to others.
How does step one help me to let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?
Im not quite there yet. I know Im not to blame for his choices. But Im fearful that he wont see it that way, even though I also know that I have no control over how he sees anything. I have to trust my own HP to guide me through this without getting sucked into his mess. But its hard to separate my mess from his. Thats what I need help figuring out.
What tools are Al-Anon program do I use to find serenity when my life has become unmanageable?
I am blessed with an awesome AA sponsor who is willing to listen to me hash and rehash the same problems and force me to write about them, point me to Alanon, and expect me to follow through.
Over the long term, I know that this will help me let go of his poo and get on with my own life. Its very frightening, but I dont know what else to do. AA helped me when that was problem, so I hope that Alanon will help me with this problem.
So the short answer is: I trust that relying on my HP and learning and applying the principles of Alanon will guide me to serenity. Im not there yet, but Im willing to listen and learn.

Dear Lisa
Welcome I am so veyr glad that you have found Miracles in Progress and are working the Steps here as well as with your cyber sponsor-- your courage, honesty and willingness to practice the program are sure signs that you are on your way to sanity and recovery.
Glad you are here and please keep sharing the journey.

Hi. Im about 60 days grateful in Alanon. My name is Sabrina. In the beginning I thought this step was pretty obvious for me. If I had power over alcohol my AH wouldnt use it. But, he does regardless of my tactics. Ive tried everything, both positive and negative, without effect. So, I have no power. But, when I applied this statement to my husbands alcoholic behavior, his thoughts, feelings, actions and all that chaos, I found it difficult to accept that I had no effect. I mean, I could get him to do what I wanted if I manipulated well enough, but I came to realize it was superficial. His actions werent backed by his feelings or thoughts, because I hadnt controlled those. Hed eventually follow his own truth, which is at this time ruled by alcohol. So, I figured okay, if I cant control him (and his drinking) Ill try to control the situation, ie. damage control. And, thats when my sponsor pointed out that while I could control some of the problems for a time, I wasnt preventing damage, just postponing it and perhaps magnifying it. And, the longer I did that, the longer my AH let me pave the way for his drinking.

It is difficult to admit my powerlessness because sometimes it appears that I am in control. I can affect but not control, which is dangerous, really. The effects of alcoholism on my life include most everything I try to do. My life has been wrapped up in this other person I make all my decisions based on this relationship how I spend my time and money, who I befriend, how I feel about myself as a person, where I go, my mood and self expression everything. When AH is unreliable, unrecognizeable, unaware and unavailable my life is unmanageable. I have no direction or stability myself. And I get stuck knowing what I could do but unwilling to leave him behind. I keep holding on to the illusion that I have this power over him, in part because I have given him power over me. I mistakenly felt this was how you loved someone by being vulnerable to them and taking care of them. In letting go I feel like I am letting down. I feel guilty and unloving and unsure. I feel selfish. And, selfish is bad just ask him.

I thought I understood that alcoholism was a disease, but I didnt realize the magnitude of it. It effects all aspects of a persons humanity body, heart and soul.  So, I realize its not enough for my AH to quit drinking, saving his body from damage and death. He needs emotional and spiritual healing as well. I cannot muster enough support to manage these needs. Its not enough to leave this or that alone. I have to stop trying to control at every level and let him find his way. Alcohol has total control over my husband, no matter what I did, do now or will do. So, I must try to let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame. Its not due to the lack of or the wrong kind of love. I may be selfish or I may not be. Doesnt matter. This is not my fault or any reflection on me. He may feel positive or negative emotions in response to me, but I dont make him drink.

Alanon has tools to help. There are the slogans, the daily readings, the meetings and my sponsor. I need daily, sometimes hourly, reminders. I think I get it, but my habitual thinking steps in all the time when Im not expecting it to. I cant believe how hard it is to stop feeling terrible and responsible for this evil thing called alcoholism that happened to my husband and by association to me. Its not his fault either. But, only he can do anything about it. I have to accept it and change my expectations. I have my life to figure out. Thats all I can do. That, and pray.

Step 1
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that OUR LIVES had become unmanageable.

Step one questions:

Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?
It is difficult for me to admit my powerlessness because I was raised by an unhealthy ACOA mother that taught me from a very young age that "you can do anything" not, "you can do anything BUT there are some things you will never be able to do". She showed me how a strong woman runs the show at home, men may earn most of the money, but the woman can control EVERYTHING. I really thought that I could manage and solve and fix the problems of the world. Mostly, I am afraid to give up my false sense of power.

How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable?
If I can't control it then darn it, I will surely be able to manipulate it until I get my way! Ummm, not this time!
I have attempted to manipulate this disease from every conceivable angle and, nothing worked until I finally admitted "I really am powerless". What a freeing feeling, ahhhh. I tried to control everyone and everything for so long, I became so sick and tired, worn down and defeated. I am so glad I don't ever have to feel that way again.

What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else?
Why wouldn't I be able to? I have used sex,flirtation, manipulation, twisting reality to get my way for my whole life. I also kept thinking I could change my A because I am not a quitter, I am stubborn as a mule and I have such a hard time ever admitting that I am wrong.

In what way does my denial hamper my ability to let go of people places and situations?
I was always thinking that there is one more thing that may work to let me get my way (his sobriety) and I was in total denial, I have been told that he is not interested in quitting and I didnt listen, was still trying to force this when I need to let go COMPLETELY. I keep thinking that there is one more thing I can do to not have to admit that this disease has ME too. Fear is at the root of it all I believe. Fear that the gig is up. I have to let go for good, let go and let HP handle this, whatever the outcome will be, it will be HPs will, not mine. Stop trying to control the outcome. I think about my adult children that still live with us and that keeps me hanging on. Also, being in love with the idea of being in love, hellothis not what we have going on here, this is a very near toxic relationship. I do still love A as a person, a child of the Universe/GOD, but I dont need him to need me anymore and I think he has confused love with need for a very long time.

How does step one change my perspective about the disease of alcohol is?

I think of all the As in my life (maternal and paternal grandfathers, father, brother, sister (deceased) aunts, uncles, husband, and it takes away some of the anger I felt toward them. I understand now the "powerlessness" of the disease for me and them. I am slowly replacing that anger with compassion, slowly...but steady.

How does step one help me to let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?
I am just starting the process of looking close and hard at my part in this relationship with A and I have to stop blaming. I have been talking to people about my life with my A this past year: my physician, a few that I work with, and a few family members. I am trying to be open and not feel ashamed. I have gotten nothing but support and empathy. Not screaming "I am the wife of an A" from the rooftops, but realizing that if he is not willing to get help for himself, I cannot be held captive in my recovery by maintaining "the silence". He does not have anonymity (in my opinion) until he gets himself to AA and that is his business.

What tools in the Al-Anon program do I use to find serenity when my life has become unmanageable?

There are so many. When I first started in my recovery the Serenity Prayer was key for me. I remember a Member's tag line, "he is going to drink or not drink, what are you going to do?" that was a message that hit home for me. What you think of me is none of my business. Do the next right thing. Nothing has changed but my attitude, everything has changed. One Day at a Time. God's will not mine be done. I can't , GOD can, I'll let him. No is a complete sentence. Detach with love. Anger is future resentment. 3 C's, 3 A's.

 

Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?

 

My fear of change, fear of the unknown, and fear of getting hurt in all aspects of my life.

 

How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable?

 

I am closed off emotionally. I do not admit/or I lie about when I am hurting physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually as a way of not putting my burdens on anyone else. I believe this is a way of avoiding guilt from when I believed that it was my needs and circumstances that caused my husband to drink. I anger quickly. I am unable to trust others. I am depressed. I have uncontrolled anxiety without medication. I have low self esteem and self confidence. I do not care for myself as thoroughly as I care for others and it drains my energy.

 

What tools are Al-Anon program do I use to find serenity when my life has become unmanageable?

 

I read aloud steps 1-3 every morning. I use the Serenity prayer - Easy Does It - confirmations prayer & meditation first things first - but the biggie for me is constantly acknowledging what I have to be grateful for. That makes the negative things seem to lose their weight.

 

What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else?

 

I have always been the fixer... The glue that holds the family together... the caretaker. My family showed pride when I became a nurse and started to expect me to nurse the family. I accepted the challenge, and now that I am unable, it hurts me. I want to see them happy... so I keep trying.

 

I imagine that what keeps me holding on to having the power to change them are the expectations I have placed upon myself cleverly being disguised as hope... I have to stay aware of that.

 

In what way does my denial hamper my ability to let go of people places and situations?

 

Denial keeps me from walking away from those unhealthy people in my life. People that I thought were helping me through things, but in truth they were enabling me! To top it off... when everyone thinks I am doing well, thanks to the fact that I am hiding my own pain, they will consistently come to me for help and advice. I feel guilty saying no to someone who feels they have done so much for me. For fear of offending someone I love, I give what I don't have often. My denial hampers my ability to say no

 

How does step one change my perspective about the disease of alcohol is?

 

At first it didn't. I read it for the first time and thought it was a load of crap... I thought alcoholism was a choice. I came to realize that the A was just as incapable of controlling it at the time as I was. It made me flash back to a nursing job interview I had once. I was asked, What kind of people are the most difficult to take care of? I remember my answer clearly, The ones who do not want the help.

 

How does step one help me to let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?

 

Once again, at first I thought it was a load of crap... but as soon as I learned it was true... once I believed it... it was because I had accepted the three C's: I did not Cause it. I cannot Control it. I cannot Cure it. I remembered what my mother had told me before she passed; You cannot change a person, but by living an example you might just encourage a person to want to change. I truly had to accept step one before I could let go of any blame and shame... both towards myself, and others.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for sharing, everyone, and thank you for the Step One questions.  This is going to be a nice little introduction for me until I can get a sponsor and start working the steps out in person with someone else.  

 

Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?

I find it difficult to admit my powerlessness because I want to be in control. For so long, I have felt so completely out of control in every area of my life except school work that I have been trying to seize control of my own life. In doing so, I also felt as though I could use these new found ideas of independence to control others too. Growing up in an eclectic, musician family, I was carted around from bar to bar, show to show, so my dads career could grow. I had little interaction with other children outside of school. In high school, divorce, abusive boyfriends, the idea of victimhood, self-denial, total lack of self-esteem, all of these things made me feel powerless. When I finally came into late teenagehood, I felt an overwhelming sense of self that needed work. I realized I was an adult child of an alcoholic. My dads disease began to take the forefront as I wanted to help him and make him proud and happy. Life kept happening, and I kept withdrawing, isolating, and clinging to my survival plan. I grew bitter, depressed, and anxious, and perhaps had committed myself to purgatory. I want to be able to hold onto my power because I am scared of how the world is constantly changing and I want to have something to do with that change. Its difficult to admit my powerlessness because Im scared to find whats festering inside the wounds of my past, but I know that I need to clean them with saline and patch them up with gauze so I can live a healthier life for me.

How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable?
My life becomes unmanageable because I grow angry, irritated, depressed, frustrated, violent, and destructive of myself, other people, places, and things, when I start spiraling into my memories of the pain caused by addiction. I completely lose my sense of inner peace and become wrapped up in the He-he, you-you disease. I get sucked into the alcoholic games. I stop thinking about myself, then feel guilt and shame for ignoring my true feelings and letting myself get so worked up about somebody else. Then I get distant or destructive again, which causes me to feel more guilt and shame. Its like being caught in a whirlpool.

What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else?
I think that if I show someone enough caring, kindness, understanding, and forgiveness that they will be inspired to change in order to make me happy too. When this doesnt happen, I get angry and start reacting. My reactions are lot bigger than the situations that caused them. I get madder when other people react. I then think that them seeing me so upset will make them want to change, but in reality, it makes them upset and drives them away too. I then apologize and try to make up for it. Upon being forgiven, things are okay until the next situation that makes me react. The reactions grow and grow as long as the cycle of forgiveness and resentment lasts. The idea of bliss in love (family, friends, or romantic love) is an illusion that keeps me going. The illusion of granting forgiveness when your heart is not truly in it.

In what ways does my denial hamper my ability to let go of people, places, and situations?
My denial keeps these people, places, and situations trapped in my head, where I am also trapped. I review them over and over again, thinking of different ways it could have happened, better ways and worse ways, and then I end up projecting these onto my future and creative false realities and false futures with the people that I am currently involved with, even if they are not even the same people who caused the original pain. It is very dangerous gamedenial. This denial pushes me further into isolation and keeps me from reaching out to and for people, places, and situations that would be good for my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual growth.

How does step one change my idea of the disease of alcoholism?
I read in the daily reader the other day that getting mad at an alcoholic for drinking is like getting mad a diabetic for having low blood sugar. It makes me take my focus off of those alcoholics who have intentionally or unintentionally done me harm and look at myself. I have allowed myself to be harmed. I have allowed myself to feel like a victim. I have allowed myself to be trapped in the mind games until I hit rock bottom. I see that I have a lot to offer the world, and a lot to offer myself too. I see that I need to start with myself before I can fully give love and support to anyone else. I need to love and support myself first and foremost.

How does step one help me to let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?
I no longer have to be upset with myself for feeling or not feeling. I can allow myself to feel and know that this too shall pass. I do not need to blame others for what they have done for me. I have allowed life to happen to me, and now I can decide what is best for me. I only need to look at myself and decide how I am going to respond, if I dont react first. I can start by asking myself What do I need to do to take care of myself? And how can I improve myself in the next five minutes?

What tools in the Al-Anon program do I use to find my serenity when life has become unmanageable?
I say the Serenity Prayer aloud or as many times in head until I feel calm again. Then I allow myself to look internally and ask myself what I need. If someone else needs something from me, I can only say that What do you need from me? Im trying not to automatically assume the helper/rescuer role. It proves very difficult around ex-boyfriends and in places where there is conflict, especially altercations between men and women. I like to intervene. But I can take a step back before I do and evaluate situations because getting mixed up and reacting. I go to meetings and use the call lists. I do my daily readings, and when I have a question that I need to ask, I look to the index. I am seeking a sponsor. I take walks and allow myself to check-out of the situations for a little while before returning to them with a more clear mind. At least these are the things that I am attempting to do.

I am so happy I found this site. I have been having some problems asking for support in my community - due to my own fear, I find I cannot bring myself to go to the one Alanon meeting a week they have here as that is the same place my husband goes for his AA meetings.

So step one:

1 Why is it so difficult to admit my powerlessness?

My childhood was out of control. From an alcoholic abusive father, a pedophile alcoholic uncle, to a co-dependent addict mother. Nothing was dependable. I dont remember how many homes, schools or cities Ive been in. I just remember knowing I had to be quiet, had to be good, had to listen and pull my own weight. When I left I was determined to do everything right. No drugs, no alcohol, no cigarettes, and no men. That didnt last. I avoided the drugs, alcohol and tobacco but not men-or rather one man. I have come to accept that I cannot control him. The hard thing is to admit I  am not in control of myself. To admit that I am powerless is facing up to failing. I did not build the life I dreamed of. I did not give my children the chaos free life I wanted them to have. It is admitting that I allowed the actions of others to direct the way I lived my life.

2How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable?
My life is unmanageable when I obsess over what my husband is doing, where he going-when I am so focused on his addictions that I suppress my own feelings and needs.  I lose touch interest in the things I enjoy and do nothing but fantasize about the perfect life. I spend my time looking for proof of his acting out, looking for things to judge him on.

3What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else?
If I can change him- his life- then maybe Ill finally be good enough. Ill not be the second choice. When I was young my father made it clear that I was not wanted, I was a surprise and not a good one. I spent years learning how I didnt measure up. My mother used me for her emotional support but did not think about what kind of support I needed. I grew up trying to make my mothers life  all right. Now I look for people to prove myself to-to somehow make them want me by making their life perfect.

4In what ways does my denial hamper my ability to let go of people, places, and situations?
My denial keeps me from seeing people and events as they really are. It isnt until some time has passed that I can see what the truth was and then I tell myself it isnt important because it is in the past. This goes on and on-me refusing to see whats right in front of me. It also serves to keep me safe if I dont see the acting out, then I dont have to confront him, I dont have to contemplate leaving. I dont have to change my life.

5 How does step one change my idea of the disease of alcoholism?
Accepting that I am powerless frees to me try and feel compassion instead of anger, disgust or fear. If I have no control over a disease then I also have no responsibility for the consequences of him not treating his disease. I dont have to protect or co-conspire to hide behavior. He is sick: if he had the flu I wouldnt lie or feel shame. Knowing that it is a sickness that only he can work through frees me from feeling as if I have failed him.

6 How does step one help me to let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?
I cant fix what is wrong. He isnt sick because I wasnt pretty enough, thin enough, a good enough cook or perfect period. He is sick because of events and trauma that had nothing to do with me. If I didnt cause it-then I cant be responsible for it. If I am not participating in his sickness then it is not my pain, shame or burden to bear. I cannot carry his load and believe it will make him stronger-all it will do is make his road that much harder, because I would be standing in his way.

What tools in the Al-Anon program do I use to find my serenity when life has become unmanageable?
I think about what is going through my head, I try to look at it from a distance and decide if that is really what I want to think. I consider the serenity prayer;

the things I cannot change: the past, his sickness

the things I can change: my mind, my thoughts, my reactions

I make a concentrated effort to see when I am playing the victim or falling for it when he does.

At a lunch last weekend, he invited over 3 men (all alcoholics) to help with yard. None of them brought lunch-he didnt ask me till I was fixing lunch if I could squeeze in 3 more. Well the only way I could do that was to not have lunch myself-which I did. I was pretty angry until I stopped to consider what I had just done-not him-not them-me. No one asked me to give up lunch, they may have expected me to, but that is not the same as asking. I did that on my own-I decided to play the victim. I wanted to be the one who went without to make someone else life better. My husband and I fell into old patterns so easily that day-he by not planning, taking a risk and me by not looking to my own needs and seeing that someone elses lack of planning does not require me to make  a sacrifice. Seriously if I hadnt been there-they would have just ordered a pizza. I had to ask myself, why didnt I?

After attending several in-person al-anon meetings, I keep hearing "work the steps". Thank you for providing some guidance on doing this through your web board.

Step one questions

Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?
Because I have always been a helper, and one who feels gifted/cursed with a special ability to see what bothers others. As a child and teenager I could see what would upset other family members, and would become the task master who tried to alleviate the circumstances before anyone could get upset. I see in my life that I still am trying to never let my parents down. (They are NOT the alcoholics in my life, by the way.) Finding myself married to an alcoholic is something that I feel lets them down. I should have seen it coming, I should have chosen differently, I shoulda shoulda shoulda. So, in my "helper" role with my husband, I have "helped" (enabled) this disease for longer than I care to think about. In fact, until the past year, I really was blind myself to the enabling I have been doing. I always just thought I was helping. Helping him with job and church responsibilities - NOT helping avoid the consequences of drinking - or so I thought. Now I see that I have enabled him. I see that I need to step back and let him live his own life. I do see now that I cannot control or cure his alcoholism, and that any push from me to seek treatment is futile. This has to be led by him - by his desire for change, because no matter how much I want something, I can't infuse my want into him. And if it isn't his want, it isn't going to work. So I can't control him or his drinking. I have come to accept this. I am working to accept that I can't really control anything at all. And I have told my parents that I'm married to an alcoholic, and of course, they love me just the same anyway, though I still struggle with thinking that I have the power to please them, if only I don't goof up. Gotta let that go...

How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable?
I cannot depend on my husband for child care, for maintaining his job, for following through on promises, for not ruining family outings, for acting responsibly in social situations. I allow myself to be angry and annoyed and to take that out on those around me. I become judgmental about everything that doesn't get done the way I think it should be done. I allow myself to be unkind and unaccepting. And THAT is the part that has to be worked on - the way I allow myself to turn into a person I don't want to be.

What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else?
Because sometimes it seems like it works. But this is only an illusion or at most a 5 minute "win" in a 24 hour battle. Also because I allow myself to be sucked into the alcoholic's lies - "you are my rock" "you are what holds this family together" "you are what keeps me going" - all of those suck me into the big lie that if I am just a stronger rock, blah blah blah, he will change. Not gonna happen. He's going to change when he decides deep down that he chooses to change.

In what way does my denial hamper my ability to let go of people places and situations?
The helper in me still wants to keep bad things from happening. Wants to hide the struggles in our family. Wants to "save face." Doesn't want to admit the need for help. But I'm getting there with regard to the alcoholic behaviors. I haven't reached my destination, but I'm getting there. People, places, and situations not related to alcoholism are still to be tackled. I need to let other people live their own lives without judging them. Live and let live. Let go of annoyance and irritation.

How does step one change my perspective about the disease of alcohol is?
I struggle with my feelings about the disease of alcoholism. I hear it compared to diabetes a lot - he didn't choose alcoholism just like someone doesn't choose to have diabetes. Well, that hits home for me, but maybe not in the way it's supposed to, because I happen to be a type 1 diabetic. Yes. I didn't choose to have diabetes. Yes. He didn't choose to be an alcoholic. I think he was born without a "stop sign." He can avoid the first drink and have sober days, but once the first drink is started, the drinking doesn't stop until he's asleep. But here's my struggle - I do choose to treat my diabetes with insulin and food choices to try and keep my blood sugar controlled and to hopefully keep complications to a minimum so that I and my family will suffer less from this disease. He does not choose to treat his alcoholism so that he and his family will suffer less from the disease. It seems like even though it is a disease, there is still some ability to choose treatment. I'd love to hear some input on this, because it is a big struggle for me.

How does step one help me to let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?
It did help me let go of some accusations that flew around a while ago - "if you did _______, I wouldn't feel like I have to drink." I've let that go completely now. I will not take the blame for his drinking. Even if I have displeased him in some way, there are other coping methods available to him other than drinking. I did not and have never made him drink - I will not take that responsibility. I'm still working on the shame part - I still do feel some embarrassment when I think about his unfulfilled responsibilities or irresponsible behavior, but I'm working on detaching from these as well. Having been in al-anon for 4-5 weeks (can't remember my first day), I still have much to learn.

What tools or Al-Anon program do I use to find serenity when my life has become unmanageable?
Right now I'm really working on taking one day at a time. As I see alcoholism progressing in his life, I keep my mind from what-iffing the future. And when he periodically says he's going to make changes, I try very hard to enjoy the sober days without emotionally crashing when the drinking days come back. The book The Alcoholic Marriage was an eye opener for me - it was recommended to me at my first al-anon meeting, and I read it within 2 days. I've since gotten my own copy and plan to re-read it. I've also ordered How Al-Anon Works and am looking forward to reading that as well. I enjoy the words of wisdom spoken by long time al-anon members at meetings, and am looking to increase my al-anon work between meetings. I have days (Saturday was one) where I epically fail at the new things I'm learning in al-anon, but each moment is a chance to start over, and even after my epic fail of al-anon principles on Saturday, I was able to turn around with the Al-anon step of apologizing for my behavior. God has been leading me through this all the way - my whole life, not just my al-anon time. I'm sure the fact that I finally had the courage to stand firm and tell my husband that I would be attending al-anon, and having the courage to walk into that room the first time was from God. Walking into that first al-anon meeting was a scary thing, and just by walking in, a big step into Step 1 has been taken. Many people walk into their first meeting because they are at the point where they feel powerless over alcohol and are finally admitting they need help and support to navigate this road. It's sad how much some of our members are hurting, and it's sad that so many people in the world are struggling to control things that are out of their control. To me, so far, it seems that al-anon is really a self-improvement program that could help with a whole lot of life's problems beyond addictions.

I came to Al-anon years ago when my A was drinking because I was supposed to.  I showed up physically but not mentally.  I was angry that I had to be there in the first place and no way was I doing any more than I absolutely had to!!!  My A got clean and sober after a DUI and worked his program but as far as I was concerned,my job was done.  Fast forward 20 years and here I am.  My A is still in recovery and has continued to work his program, but I am still sick.  It was hard for me to come back because I have no current dealing with alcohol nor have I had for a number of years.  I feel like there is other things that are more pressing than my health and well being.  It seems silly that I cannot get over it and move forward but I realize there is a lot that I have carried with me that is keeping me stuck and it is time to work on my own recovery rather than continue to be his cheerleader.

Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?  My whole life I have been expected to be good, no matter what the circumstances were.  I had to have things under control at all times.  If I was scared, I had to suck it up, when I broke my arm, I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to cause a bump in the road....not out of fear, but because I knew my mom was having a tough time and she didn't need to worry about me.  I was 8.  So when it came to other points in my life, I felt it was still my job to make things better.

How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable?  Because I believe that if I could only be smarter, prettier, richer, funnier, kinder, what ever other 'er there is, things would be better.  This kind of thinking keeps me in constant turmoil inside always trying to figure out how I can be the perfect mate, child, aunt or sister and the truth is, I can never be.  I know this logically but emotionally is a different story.

What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else?  The biggest thing that keeps me believing this is that I had went to a handful of meetings and my a got sober.  What I did worked.....or so I thought.  It probably had a little more to do with his being thrown in jail than with my great Al-anon skills after a Couple of months of program.

How does step one change my perspective about the disease of alcohol?  I used to think that the a's in my life could stop if they wanted to.  If they loved me enough.  Now I know that they are as powerless over alcohol as I am over them.

How does step one help me to let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?  It is teaching me that I am only responsible for me and my actions whether the other person is drinking or not.

What tools are Al-Anon program do I use to find serenity when my life has become unmanageable?  I am using the online meetings as well as f2f.  I read as much as I can and try to talk to others in the program.

 

 

-- Edited by MonicaA on Monday 31st of March 2014 11:52:45 PM

-- Edited by MonicaA on Tuesday 1st of April 2014 12:16:27 AM

Hello ~

I just discovered this wonderful forum. I'm new to AL ANON and have been wanting to find a way to understand and work each step. Thanks so much for this forum! 

I found a great weekly AL ANON meeting to attend on a weekly basis and have been attending regularly for 6 weeks now. I'm getting so much out of each meeting! Before then, I didn't know much about the 12 Step program or AL ANON, so it's been a real learning experience for me. I'm a yoga teacher and therapist and am finding the 12 Steps to be a beautiful addition to my yoga and spiritual practice. Prior to finding AL ANON, I was quite sad, worried and alone. As we all know, it's a very scary thing loving an alcoholic or drug addict. 

Now that I'm beginning to understand what AL ANON is all about, I'm wanting to work each step, one step at a time. I'm hoping to select a sponsor soon and am currently reading Courage to Change each morning, along with How AL ANON Works. I journal and reflect on the teachings of AL ANON, and have been bringing some of the teachings in to my yoga classes. This on line addition will be great for me so thanks again.

I spent some time journaling this morning answering the question: WHAT AM I POWERLESS OVER? I came up with these people, places and things:

1. My daughter's addiction, her choices, her mood swings, and her success or failure in recovery and in life

2. The reality that I am and will continue to age 

3. My husband's commitment to health and his way of communicating and being in relationship with me

4. Being fully responsible for my children's success, happiness and moral values

5. Others decisions to change or not change

6. Possible illness or hurt of a loved one or myself, inevitable pain and suffering 

7. The events of the past. What's done is done. I cannot change my past

8. Everyone's happiness and health

9. Having a close and loving relationship with my extended family

10. The impermanence that is inevitable in life: love, relationships, health, happiness. 

11. Past choices surrounding finances 

12. Fluctuations over the mind and emotions

My life became so unmanageable the past few years. In addition to my daughter's addiction, we had a financial disaster take place and I was diagnosed with cancer along with a couple of other health ailments. Our family suffered from my daughter's addiction and my marriage became challenging at best. Family life was filled with worry and conflict. 

From winter 2012 to 2013, a rainbow of feelings swept over and inside of me - anxiety, grief, anger, unhappiness, loneliness, despair, sadness, fear, frustration, resentment, grief and worry to name more than a few. I became withdrawn and seldom reached out to be with friends. I woke often at night with a heavy heart. I wish I could explain better what I was feeling. Darkness and panic. I'd describe it as darkness and panic when I woke. So much worry for my daughter, for my family, for the world. I would get down on myself for not doing enough for others. In the middle of the night, I'd think badly about myself for not calling my mom, for not realizing my daughter was using, for not having a better relationship with my extended family, for not checking my son's homework, for not helping my husband achieve his health goals, for not teaching the perfect class. So much worry and self-blame! Why did I think it was my full responsibility to help others like me more, do better in life, change? And who am I to judge the way other people choose to live their life? I'm responsible for the way I live my life, and not others.

After my daughter's second relapse, I went to my first AL ANON meeting. I tried a few different groups and found one that felt safe and like home to me. Al ANON has helped melt my winter time pain and I'm feeling like myself again. It is such a relief to know I'm powerless over other people, places and things in life. I no longer wake burdened at night and I'm feeling wonderfully healthy and happy these days. 

I have more work to do with Step One but already, I'm experiencing so much serenity through this first step. 

Very happy to be here with the forum group. Thanks for reading my share.

Beth

 

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference."

 

Hey all,
I just found this sight and thought I should start at the bottom with step one. Why do I feel that I can change my Mom and her alcoholism? That I think is what I am on right now. I know I want to save my mom, but I know I can't. Just having a hard time accepting it and not knowing what to do about the situation. Or how to deal with all the mix feelings I have because of her and what her actions have done to create chaos in my life.That is all I got for now.

~Mary