What led me to believe in a power greater than myself?

One day, I asked a group to pray for me that I would find strength while I was going through a tough situation. There was an elder who then asked me, Why do you pray for strength?

I replied, I just need the mental capacity to get through this. I know it will pass, but I am so exhausted by this whole mess. I know there is nothing I can do to change the situation, but it hurts me to watch someone I love suffer.

She asks, So what you are really looking is for is something to comfort you? (Well, yea, I guess I am., is my reply.) So she goes on... Maybe you ought to pray for comfort and guidance instead. When you want more strength, you face yourself with challenges. When you are at the gym lifting weights, and you want to get stronger, what do you do?... You either add more repetitions or you add more weight. When you need comfort, you don't need more weight to carry, but for weight to be lifted. May I pray for your comfort and guidance then instead?

Would you believe I finally started to feel that comfort?

How do I describe that power?

The power I believe that is greater than myself is my God, whom I choose to refer to as Gitchimanidoo, which means Great Spirit or Great Mystery depending on the translator for the Ojibwe Native American language.

I was taught that in the beginning, Gitchimanidoo gave man original instructions to live by. Those instructions were to love, honor, respect, and care for all beings in the circle of life. When these directions were forgotten by man there was a great flood. Mud was brought up from the deep waters by surviving beings and placed on the back of the Great Turtle. Gitchimanidoo let this grow into what is referred to as Turtle Island, or the continent of North America.

As time passed, man once again started to forget the original instructions, so much so, that Gitchimanidoo pronounced that he was going to destroy Earth again, this time with fire. But the Great Eagle spoke on our behalf and claimed that there were still those who remember those instructions, to love, honor, respect, and care for all beings in the circle of life. So Gitchimanidoo made a deal with Great Eagle. Great Eagle was to fly down to the Earth every day and find at least one person that remembers and follows the original instructions, and is to fly up into the Heavens and report this to Gitchimanidoo... and for each day Great Eagle is able to find that one person, the Earth is given one more day.

This power to me is inspired by Gratitude. Gratitude each morning for one more day, gratitude for the things I have, need, and even some of the things I want, and gratitude that at least one person a day remembers the original instructions.... having gratitude for these things gives me hope for the future.

This is just a short and partial description of the creation story I was taught of course. I will try to keep up with this post if you would like to hear more.

What behaviors do I continue expecting different outcomes?

I've gotten pretty good at stopping these behaviors, or at least catching myself when I am in the act, but the lesson I learned was in the process of migrating from step 2 to step 3. I learned this lesson by making what was suggested to me as a God Box. This is simply a box with the word GOD on in. When taking time to pray and turn things over, I was advised to write them on a slip of paper and put it in the box... as a physical way to turn things over.

One day, I couldn't fit any more slips of paper in my box, so I opened it. I noticed something. Many of the things I turned over were written on multiple slips of paper. It was then that I noticed that once I started trusting my Higher Power, once that I truly believed that I came to truly believe that there was a power greater than myself, that I was ready to move on to step three and start turning things over without taking them back when I didn't like how things were turning out.

How do I define sanity?

The Mirriam Webster English dictionary defines the word sanity as:

1) the condition of having a healthy mind; the condition of being sane

2) the condition of being based on reason and good judgment

There are a few words in that definition that remind me of Al-anon tools:

healthy I have to care for myself mentally as well as physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Reason the Al-a-non promises posted at the end of every meeting suggests to Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time.

judgment specifically good judgment... To me, good judgment means being brave enough to make the right decision even if I know it's gonna hurt.

In what way have I felt like a victim?

The first time I remember feeling like a victim was as a child. My mother, brother, and I were in a battered women's shelter and at first I didn't understand why. I was still under the impression that we were beaten for doing something wrong. That is my fault for standing up to my father, which was perceived by him and many family members as disrespecting my elders. So, from what I was taught up until then was that such treatment was normal. A therapist and a police officer took pictures of all of our injuries and explained to me that what my father did was wrong. That I had been a victim of abuse. I was 7 years old. The few short years after that, every time I was at a friends home where I saw that it was not normal to be beaten over spilled milk, I would feel like a victim.

This took a strange power over me. I grew into a person who expected certain behavior out of people, and when they didn't meet my expectations I took it personally! I felt victimized. But in hindsight, who was I to set those expectations. In many ways I victimized myself by setting expectations instead of goals.

What changes have I seen in my life that I attribute to a power greater than myself restoring me to sanity?

I not only have more gratitude, but I have noticed that I show more gratitude as well. I have more self confidence. I have higher self esteem. I do not take on other's problems like I used to. I make time for me and I enjoy my own company a lot more. I have a stronger relationship and better communication with my Higher Power, myself, and my family. But the biggest change is that I am not in control AND I am ok with that!

Which words in step 2 do I find meaningful?

Came to believe - not to repeat myself... but I had to wholeheartedly come to believe in my Higher Power before I could move on in the program.