ALANON STEP 5

hotrod · Guru

ALANON STEP 5

DavidG · Senior Member

Step five questions

How does accepting my humanness release me from guilt and shame?

Doing Step 5 helped me connect with the lives of other people. I learned to listen to others, instead of my own incessant thoughts. I realised that I was not alone and that my life experience was not unique.

How has step five helped me understand the exact nature of my wrong?

I learned that I had the right to be wrong. That I wasn't perfect. After a while I realised too that, although not perfect I could still try my best, and pursue excellence.

So I was wrong to think ill of myself. Although I tried and pretended to love and to like others my own ill Feeling towards me nearly always tripped me up.

In what way does working step five enhance my understanding of how the disease of alcoholism affects me as well as the alcoholic?

Growing up with alcoholism made me believe that I was put on earth to meet the wants, and needs, of others... ...I did not need to be selfish to attend to and meet my own needs.

What walls have I built to hide the person I am from others?

In modern words we learned to form barriers. Because I felt so badly about myself I was certain other people would hate me if they knew me. The walls were illusions because I am a caring loving person.

What risk did I take to complete Step5?

I am not sure I will ever complete it. The real risk is not ever getting it perfect... the true risk is not learning to love myself and project that into my world.

How does honestly sharing the secrets of my past help me to recover from the emotional damage I endured?

I realise that my situation is not unique.

As a result of working step five what realization has been the most beneficial to my recovery?

Before my first fifth step I thought I was a goody-two-shoes who had been handed a really bad set of circumstances. I more or less ignored the bad things I had done, and continued to do. Some things that seemed to cause me shame were okay and worthwhile. Until I began to share I just did not know the difference.

Thanks Betty... smile

hotrod · Guru

Dear David,
Thank you so much for your powerfully honest share. I agree, this Step also enabled me to accept my humanness and to see and acknowledge some of my destructive behavior that I choose to ignore. By embracing the constructive tools of this program I was finally willing to work at eliminating the negative habits
Glad that you shared your journey

Serenity4uNme · Member

We may also learn for the first time that many of our worst behaviors are common to people affected by someone elses drinking

Still filled with fear of judgment and criticism, 'which was unwarranted' wow do i expect others to just trust me .. I know 'today ii can be trusted; i do not know if everyone around me can be trusted .. and when i say this i mean the annonymity piece .. i do not trust me to not abandon myself, etc .. still a work in process but this is me showing up to line my will with gods, etc ..
helps me connect with the lives of other people .. without sharing i would be entirely isolated and back toyears before recovery .. i thoroughly appreciate the service, betty ..

I learned that I had the right to be wrong. That I wasn't perfect. .. just sayin .. having the right because i'm human .. wow that speaks word .. so much tosee through the 5th step; this is where a huge piece of the turning over lyes ..turning over confusion into clarity; harm into healing; obsession to thinking .. so much more .. serenity ..

So I was wrong to think ill of myself. Although I tried and pretended to love and to like others my own ill Feeling towards me nearly always tripped me up (I pretended to be love when i had No idea what love was)

Growing up with alcoholism made me believe that I was put on earth to meet the
wants, and needs, of others <- clarity .. just reinforcing in my mind as i retype ..

Between the 3 of you .. You David and God, betty .. i can breathe .. i may be late to share but thank you for sharing the love; the value of your wisdom and the love of your higher power .. if others didn't share it, i'd never see it to find it ..

Step five questions

How does accepting my humanness release me from guilt and shame?

just seeing it . the right to be human ? sharing allowsme to first join the human race by accepting right where i am 'today .. not where will be tomorrow but today .. sharing it allows me to be freer of another secret .. harbouring those secrets made me a mystery .. somewhat like higher power .. i didn't wantto let go of any of it cuz i got to play god .. <- again seeing this Now ..

How has step five helped me understand the exact nature of my wrong?

Step 5 gave me more than just 'my misunderstanding alone .. it put many things into perspective .. sharing with my sponsor was sharing with god .. my sponsor had aquired years of wisdom throughdoing the work .. she literally shed light on my darkness .. confusion obsession fear etc .. she understood the disease wasn't me ..

In what way does working step five enhance my understanding of how the disease of alcoholism affects me as well as the alcoholic?

I begin to see the cumulative effects effects of alcoholism .. areas i was effected; The format i use shows 5: emotional; companionship; financial; sex; ambition; etc .. i began to recognise how one situation effects me in many areas .. step 5 helps me not just seek freedom but also learn by active participation and experience healing and change for the better.. i feel freer; i feel lighter; i feel the serenity seeping in .. clarity and wisdom ..

What walls have I built to hide the person I am from others?
anger and rigidity .. sometimes arguing, etc .. of course i called it debating.. thinkng back to the alcoholic who creates the crisis to go.. if thngs started getting to close to Me or personal .. i began turning conversations into debates to Shift the focus .. I stayed angry with the family many tmes; it kept me safe because it kept them Away .. or so i thought .. also seeing flipside of other behaviors by family .. kept Them safe because it kept ohers away .. I blamed everyone for My anger for years .. no accountability ..

What risk did I take to complete Step5?

Sharing with member first time out of church .. fear of the Unknown .. fear of judgment, criticism, 'which was unwarranted' Trust was the main risk .. Trusting 'god would be there .

How does honestly sharing the secrets of my past help me to recover from the emotional damage I endured?

Coming clean before god .. before others.. honesty .. My guilt and shame begin to heal .. constant clarity shift .. <- when we 'learn' to put our problems intheir true perspective (5th step) .. we find they lose their power .. to dominate (confuse) our thinking.

As a result of working step five what realization has been the most beneficial to my recovery

Step 5 is hope because it's all about change and transformation .. God is never changing .. <- he does't have to change .. he's perfect in love and wisdom truth, etc .. i'm not .. i will always need to improve my end of our relationshipwith him first then me then others .. if there are secrets on my end between me and god we will not have a very heathy relationship .. we will have an alcoholic relationship .. with god others and ourselves .. we wil make ourselves sick ..

hotrod · Guru

Dear Serenity, I so appreciate your honesty and introspection. I can so identify with your share and know that for so many years I tried to love others and did not even understand the meaning of the word. You and I have had many powerful awareness is as we work the steps and what a gift that is!!!

The Courage to Change today reminds us to accept our humanness. and know that we are passionate, generous, opinionated, moody, tactful, stubborn people. That we should embrace our humanness and understand that by knowing ourselves and accepting ourselves we have been given back the only thing that was ever really Ours to keep----Ourselves.

Without faith and trust in the God of my understanding I know for sure that this dreadful disease would've ended my life, as it did my sons. Prayers for courage, serenity, and wisdom enables me to maintain my sanity when all else failed. God does exst .

Please keep sharing the journey as we are on to step six next week

Serenity4uNme · Member

Yes we have had a powerful connection; cumulative wisdom ..

((( hugs betty ))) .. we share a journey of pain and yet we find serenity & joy in between through the healing with hp .. bittersweet .. (the more spiritual a recovery is; the more pain there's been .. willingness to work the steps comes through pain .. this is Not the priceless gift of serenity <- that's for sure .. it's such a hard disease; steals so much in us and around us .. we all share a journey of truth darkness despair loneliness hope trust joy courage tears & love .. and always and forever more; we give each other strength .. I love the expression of holding a lantern up for another to follow .. I always Love your shares .. You help me

my keyboard at home is breaking .. keys sticking .. slow connection .. hoping to get in as much of this journey as possible .. I so need to share in these areas .. smile

re-clarifying one sentence .. Still filled with fear of judgment and criticism, 'which was unwarranted' <- I just see how many times I expect others to trust me just like that .. I know I'm trustable; they don't .. but I forget how many may have been filled with unwarranted judgments and criticisms ..

-- Edited by Serenity4uNme on Tuesday 6th of May 2014 05:13:20 AM

-- Edited by Serenity4uNme on Tuesday 6th of May 2014 05:18:17 AM

hotrod · Guru

Thank You Serenity This is indeed a precious, loving family

flopadopilus · Veteran Member

How does accepting my humanness release me from guilt and shame? It was so hard to stop comparing myself to others and thinking I should be coming out better or ahead of anyone else. This is my journey and releasing the shame and guilt within me, frees me up to stop judging myself and seeing I am a worthy human.

How has step five helped me understand the exact nature of my wrong? I had to list them out with my sponsor so I could better see myself and be accountable, face myself and clean out from within.

In what way does working step five enhance my understanding of how the disease of alcoholism affects me as well as the alcoholic? Step 5 was hard, but made sense as I worked it, because it was normal to have a lot of my reactions to this disease. I was obsessed with my AH and had to do the work to let go and let God. I learned to have love and compassion for him and myself.

What walls have I built to hide the person I am from others? I used to try to overdue volunteering in my community and try to earn acceptance, so everyone would see me as a great person. I now know I am a great person and don't need to earn it.

What risk did I take to complete Step5? There was risk telling my sponsor some things, but I knew she loved me and didn't judge me and doing the step work with her just proved it to me even more.

How does honestly sharing the secrets of my past help me to recover from the emotional damage I endured? Until you dig out the old hurts and really look at them, feel them, you can't fully let them go until you process through them. It felt amazing to see them up close and many of my dark secrets were not as scary as what I had initially thought.

As a result of working step five what realization has been the most beneficial to my recovery? I am a worthy human and have learned a lot on my journey thus far and have a lot to share with other open willing people. There is nothing as good to me as the feeling of digging out the dysfunctions of old and making a new legacy for myself and my children!

hotrod · Guru

Great ESH Flop I appreciate your taking the time to share this journey

Serenity4uNme · Member

I appreciate the above answer: It was so hard to stop comparing myself to others and thinking I should be coming out better or ahead of anyone else ..

my mind can go to crazy places . even the idea of what if.. we all lived together in heaven .. there are so many id want to hide from and not have to see again lol but seeing when i still get stuck in viewing others above me or fear they are seeing me below them .. i can remember comparing one human to another is a disease many aren't 'aware they have .. wondering secretly what is wrong with 'them .. beginning to see i truly believe the rest of the world has it together . when i think of feelings being more of a problem to me than details even .. am recognisng what the world tends to hide most is feelings ..how they feel about themselves, etc .. i know i try unsuccessfully too .. i don't want to hide them anymore; i want and need program to express and heal the feelings that were hurt so much through the years .. not as in boohoo but as in harmed as in damaged .. even my smoking is one area i need to admit how i've wronged myself .. the real problem ? so much shame of having placed the majority of my love and life into a cigarrette before me family children god .. so humbling.. i feel weak and afraid i have done too much damage but the hardest thing to admit is the shame of my selfishness and the fear i feel facing myself and my compulsive addiction .. i am no different than the guy in the bar unable to stop drinking .. have been so busy and focused on the unhealthy shame piece of what's wrong with me; i failed to see the healthy shame piece of how have i wronged as in hurt myself and others .. had always been easier for me to admit someone 'elses wrong . but truthfully today i'd rather i admit my own .. that way i get the healing and the growth ..

hotrod · Guru

Serenity,You are doing the important work by honestly working the Steps .The miracles of alcnon will be reflected in your life. The undeserved shame and fear will be lifted by HP and will be replaced with wisdom, self esteem and compassion for yourself and others.
Keep on keeping on.
Betty

mikah · Newbie

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testing something

Debb · Member

How does accepting my humanness release me from guilt and shame? Understanding that the fear, resentment and lack of confidence that I developed from AH's verbal abuse was holding me back from being a compassionate human being with others and myself. Understanding the effect that 13 years of feeling sorry and hurt had such a negative affect on my personality and how all that chaos created a person that was so self conscious and not human was revelating! I am much more relaxed and now cope much better with AH and his verbal abuse, I do not take any of it personally any more, I just walk away and the next day tell him he owes me an apology. I have had much more confidence in myself, that if it all falls apart, it is not the end of the world. HP saw fit that the lessons that I had to learn would make a better person of me and He was absolutely correct!!

How has step five helped me understand the exact nature of my wrong? Through this journey, I had to face that my fears and lack of confidence made me difficult to get along with, because I was always afraid for myself. What a poor personality quality that was. I knew it wasn't right!! I am so glad that I was able to put my finger on it, with the help of Al-Anon and work it out.

In what way does working step five enhance my understanding of how the disease of alcoholism affects me as well as the alcoholic? The alcoholic thrives on creating chaos in order to justify their drinking, they do this by personally attacking those that are close to them, who must live with them. Those who live with them must endure the attacks, but understand that the chaos is just a cover for the A's need for excuses and reasons to drink and the abuse is uncalled for and should never be accepted. Detachment with love and having compassion is a saving grace, and removing themselves from the chaos is necessary.

What walls have I built to hide the person I am from others? The walls that I have taken down are ones of fear and lack of confidence. Once I discovered that all this fear of not being liked was not necessary, that I really could relax and not be so fearful of people not liking me or worry that everything I said was wrong, because AH would have liked me to believe all of that, that I was this awful person. I became a much more compassionate and patient and no longer worried about what others thought of me all the time.

What risk did I take to complete Step5? I stand my ground now, and no longer allow the verbal abuse. I wait til the next day and tell him he owes my an apology for the previous days abusive treatment. I wait til the next day because there is no sense trying to talk to AH when he is drunk!

How does honestly sharing the secrets of my past help me to recover from the emotional damage I endured? First discovering that a drinking problem was the reason for the verbal abuse, was absolutely revelating and then facing the resulting emotional damage that took place, has made me so eager to learn more about healing and moving on to a better mindset and life.

As a result of working step five what realization has been the most beneficial to my recovery? The realization that HP and Al-Anon has helped me through all of this difficulty and that no matter what the reasons I have become a better person, no matter what AH decides to do, I will no longer allow the abuse to hurt me anymore.

-- Edited by Debb on Saturday 4th of October 2014 01:33:05 AM

-- Edited by Debb on Saturday 4th of October 2014 03:14:46 AM

hotrod · Guru

Nice share Debbie. Love your honesty and clarity.

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