Step 9

Made Direct Amends to Such People Wherever Possible EXCEPT When to do so Would Injure Them or Others.

Courage to Change  Page 356

In a meeting I heard someone say of  Step 8 and  Step9 : I have made a list of those I have harmed and I put myself at the top of the list.  This had not occurred to me.  Somewhere  in my past I got the message that to think of myself first was WRONG, that it was my duty to care for everyone else.  As a consequence, I was never ready to take care of myself and so became a burden to those around me.

Have I harmed myself?  Of course I have .    That is ultimately what I am trying to recover from.  In face improving myself is the only real ation available to me .  Now I know that taking responsibility for myself is the first step in making the world a better place. 

TODAYS REMINDER

Being true to myself is the greatest gift I can give to those around me.  Perhaps I will inspire them to do the same; perhaps not. Why should othrs follow my example if I cannot take care of my own affairs?  TO GIVE ADVISE TO OTHERS IS TO INTRUDETO GIVE ADVISE TO MYSELF IS TO GROW.

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in ones own shadow

RALPH Waldo Emerson  

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By the time I reached Step 9 I had a pretty good idea of the harm I had done others and the type of amends I needed to perform  First I need to make an amend to myself for all the negative thoughts, actions and abandonment I had endured because I did not have he tools to live by

That amend was to Go to meetings, practice the slogans, steps, work with a sponsor and trust HP  I continue to do that amend to myself each day so that I do not fall back to my old behavior and thinking

The next amend I needed to make was in my critical thinking, judgmental  thoughts that never surfaced or saw the light and of which no one but myself knew were  running around in my head.  These thoughts flavored my attitude towards everyone and feed my negative actions such as sarcasm, anger feeling superior etc.  I eliminated these thoughts by practicing the slogans: Let go and Let God, keep the Focus on Yourself and the serenity prayer.  I refused to permit myself the privilege      of entertaining even for a moment the negative ideas I once cherished. Yes I had to give up my guilty pleasure of feeling superior to others however I gained so much more and realized that superior feeling was another illusion that I substituted for reality.    My amends did not take the form of saying I am Sorry It took the form of changed actions and changed responses and the honesty of own in g my former actions Big for me and did to depend upon how others accepted me.

My amend to my parents, my husband and son were handled with honesty and humility  I owned my part in the family disease- and by my new found attitudes and actions proved that I was willing to change into the kind of child, partner and parent that had a positive supportive attitude and constructive tools to live by.  No more my being the victim of others behavior or actions.

 Powerful step and so very glad I learned new attitudes to live by.

Activities: 

1. Have you made any amends to other people yet? How did this feel?

2. If you are ready, set some amends goals. For instance, name the people to whom you would like to make amends. Set a reasonable deadline and a goal for apologizing, wherever that is appropriate. Be as specific or as general as you want. You may want to make your goal "to become aware of the people I owe apologies to, and then make those amends." Or you may have a list of names and incidents and want to set a deadline for talking to these people.

3. What is the relationship that is bothering you the most right now? What do you need to do to take care of yourself in that relationship? What would you say if you were free to be entirely honest with that person about your behaviors, your feelings, and what you wanted and needed? How have you discounted yourself or not owned your power in that relationship? How have you discounted or devalued the other person?

4. What is the biggest guilt you have right now? Using the steps as a formula, how can you deal with that, so you can be done with the guilt?

5. For any amends you have made, write a self-forgiveness affirmation that helps you let go of guilt. A sample affirmation might read: "I love and accept myself. I have taken responsibility for my behavior with _____, and I am now free to let the past go." We can also write a similar affirmation about forgiving others: "I have dealt with my feelings toward ____, and I have forgiven him or her. I have let go of my feelings toward him or her, and I allow peace and love to settle into our relationship."