Adult Children of Alcoholics Step 10

JamesCT · Senior Member

Adult Children of Alcoholics Step 10

Tasha · Member

When I began this, I focused outward - what was I doing to, or how was I affecting others... and how could I correct it or learn from it. One key element was missing. I was not also inventorying my treatment of myself, and making amends, living amends or working through the process to accept and forgive myself promptly. When I implemented this in addition to also working toward amending harms done to others... things started getting less rocky over all for me. Many times I focused outward - robbing others of the opportunity to handle their feelings around something, or grow, learn or seek their own spiritual solution. Often, I did not let God do this work - I felt powerful, that I could do it for them, for Him/Her/It.

Today - I typically work on living amends, and give other people full opportunity to come to their own resolve. I do not feel so powerful anymore. People have choices and they have a HP of their own. I do not control others, or define them. I consider that it is giving away my power to someone if I am waiting on an apology or an amend from them. Then they control me - and my feelings. In this program, I learn that it is I who defines me. No one else can take away my power to be happy joyous and free... but me.

Mamie · Newbie

For some odd reason I began working the steps on this site backwards. I thought the postings were more up to date, so I just hit the one at the top, thinking next 2 week session would be Step 1 and I'd be set up and ready to go through the whole rotation. Seems like life is what happens when you are making other plans is a truism everywhere. Oh well, I've picked my order and now I'm sticking to it.

Funny thing is it makes Step 10 look waaaay different to me, and it's a good different. It begs me to consider Step 10 as not only where am I today? Who am I today compared to who I was when I began the program? IT ALSO asks me to think about where am I compared to where I want to be ... in light of Step 11 and Step 12.

When I come to Step 10 early in the program (before my 4th) as a 1-2-3 ---10 cha cha, kind of a buffer zone between me and putting more items on my 4th-9th Steps;
IE: I admit a mistake today and make direct amends immediately it doesn't become one of my life long issues - at least not with the person I made amends to.

When I come to Step 10 directly after the 9th, which is hard but VERY amazing in terms of realizing that a lot of the crap I've held onto and resented over the years, ways I felt people judged me and hated me for things I said or did was in a large part one big old fantasy world of mine.
IE: Biggest realization? Most people are busy living their lives and have their own agenda for stuff I do that really ticks them off. Getting 4-9 out of the way lets me actually listen to what others say to me about my behavior without jumping to the conclusion that they know me better than I do.

EVEN though I have grown to consider other people's opinion of me as none of my business, when someone is upset with my behavior a lot of that is about THEM and where they are at, so my first goal is to LISTEN to them and CARE about how they FEEL. Because I know me and my flaws better after step work, it's easier to listen, care and make only the amends that are mine to make.

BUT THE AWESOME part about working these steps backwards, I might even consider it a Spiritual Awakening of sorts is that I'm doing the 10th Step on my Spiritual Contact with God.

HOW MIND BENDING IS THAT?

HOW do my character defects keep me from having the very best, healthiest relationship with my Higher Power who is my SOURCE for making all my other healthy decisions in life?

Maybe other people naturally get to this point by working the Steps forward, and I have recognized that my defects keep me from having the best spiritual program, but I had not personified God as someone who needed my amends.

Maybe HE really doesn't need my amends either, but amends are at their core about making me a better person, us better people, because I care, we care about the affect our behavior has on others. That the deep dark secret is that we are only human and every body makes mistakes they need to atone for; at least 12 Step Folk have a path to get there.

HOW DO Avoidance and Procrastination keep me out of Church on Sunday?

What positive characteristics will enable me to rise above those defects and meet my goal?

What skills and tools do I need to improve my relationship with GOD specifically?

Partially, I know I need to just keep showing up in GOD's face and being willing to be willing to hear what HE has to say. If I don't put myself in HIS path, I'll never be able to stay out of my own muck anyway. Have to quit being embarrassed about my muck and letting it keep me away from getting filled with the Spirit and cleansed of all my unclear thoughts and risky behaviors that put my program in jeapordy.

At the very least, working the steps backwards is par for my course lately and allows me to say I've worked them backwards and forewards. Been in Al Anon since 1982 and ACA since 1984 so I guess it's about time for this to happen. Also working them backwards WITH my Grandson sipping helium from a balloon, talking in a funny voice asking for hugs - OK had to take a break for that one - wanting me to be off the computer so he can watch "Funny Cat Videos" and getting yelled at for just walking up to his mother doing the balloon bit.

Guess it's time to come down from the mountain since everyone knows how to find me here anyway.

Zabin · Newbie

For me step ten is about reflecting on my thinking, behaviour and attitude during the day, looking at how over thinking, fear, obsessiveness and other habits have had an effect on my actions. Do I owe an apology, do I need to be more compassionate to my inner child, slow down, praise myself, say well done for progress made. I want to practise loving myself every day, to remember to focus on myself, before recovery I was always obseessed with others, putting them on pedestals or demonising no iunderstanding of self just fear and a desperate clinging to others to find an identity through others. Recovery work had helped me discover I am of worth, just by the very fact I am alive. Step ten for me is about noticing and rejoicing moving forward in spiritual growth.

JamesCT · Senior Member

Bumping for this cycle.

Learn how the 12 Steps work. Participate in your own recovery as well as the recovery of others, by being active on this board as we go through the 12 Steps of recovery together! We discuss each of the Twelve Steps In the order they are written, one step at a time, every two weeks.