I believe everyone needs are undoubtedly different, our lives are all different, so it makes sense to me that our needs would be different as well. I always believed that everyone has the propensity to be caring and humane, maybe because we are all Gods children, but especially those individuals who had to experience great trials and have come through them .... those individuals (like MIP Service Workers and Senior Members) have and do give so much. I like to think that I expect goodness from people first and do not place people in minority categories based on class, ethnicity, religion, etc. I believe that if I get stuck in a bad thought pattern or situation then I am not being honest with myself about the situation, and if I am stuck it is usually because I am afraid, afraid to be alone, afraid to be wrong, whatever the reason and that is where the spiritual inventory comes into play for me. It has sent me down different paths, that have opened my eyes to some of these fears that were simply unfounded and cleared my mind so that I can reap the benefits of just enjoying me and learning from my difficulties. I have not mentioned AH, because I have moved, emotionally so far past AH and his decisions to drink at this point, it has, for the first time in 13 years become extremely comfortable for me to know that I can rely on myself now and have the tools to be able to not allow AH to hurt me anymore.

I am currently working Blueprint for Progress Al-Anon fourth step inventory. Some questions are quite easy, but I found myself skipping over a lot. I finally settled myself and answered some of the  questions I had skipped. Some of my answers made me ashamed and sad. I cried, and cried, and I wasn't sure I could continue. Then my HP spoke to my heart and said, "Now forgive yourself." What peace I found in those words. Working step 4 is like tearing down walls that are preventing me for growing. As I work through this step, I'm learning to accept who I am. I am beginning to see good things about myself that I never knew existed. I still have a long way to go with this step. My sponsor(s) tell me to take little bites. I know my HP is with me and this knowledge gives me strength to keep moving.

I know I am a special person in the eyes of my HP, and I want to see in myself what He sees in me. I am finally accepting my mistakes, and I am coming to terms with them. I am learning to forgive myself.  I am also learning how to forgive and let go of hurt others have caused me. While I'm not yet where I want to be in terms of my recovery, I'm satisfied because I'm a work in progress.

Betty - thank you for your post. I appreciate the insight as it reflects a desire to stop self harm and treat myself with respect and confidence. I have tended to gang up on myself whenever my sick family or others have. I have to remember I am not perfect, but making progress and that not everyone wants to take the journey of the program simply because I have to.

I have to work more on my assets instead of joining in the fray of the pack attack when it arises. I must opt out of the vicious cycle that has attempted to suck me in. I must opt out of feeling the need to defend myself and instead, hold my head up and stick to the topic and facts.

I have to refrain from allowing others to state and or define my truth in gossip.

I am not sure how to go about all of it and prevent myself from being defensive when I set boundaries and uplift myself. It can be a thin line between standing by my truth when under attack. I cannot be expected to be perfect in this but willing to develop a plan.

Thank you for the workbook questions. Great place to start

Step four questions

do I listen in meetings and accept that others have different needs from myself?

I do listen in meetings, sometimes I find it hard to concentrate, my mind can wander a bit and I can get fixed on what I will share when its my turn to speak. When I truly concentrate on the person I get so much more understanding. I can at times get a bit judgmental when I hear someone sharing how they use the tools, I can see denial or what I judge to be denial or I can think someone is just doing it wrong and I would do it differently. I do realize that others have different needs from myself and when I am working my program I can live and let live without any negative thoughts but often they are there, I want everyone to be working it the way I do as if I am the only one working it correctly.

In what ways do I look to the good in others

I dont always look to the good, I can get fixed on the other persons shortcomings. Its strange because before recovery I thought everyone else had it all worked out and I was the only one who didn't, I spent half my time feeling ashamed and had very low self esteem. I transferred my unhappiness onto judging the alcoholic in my life. Now I don't, I don't judge the alcoholics I seem to have worked through that and have got into the habit and the right frame of mind. I feel mainly compassion and understanding and find it easy to practice kindness and loving detachment, particularly with my family but when it comes to others I now find so much I don't like in others. In my mind I judge their choices, what they say, how they say it. I find other people highly annoying. Its as if I have just moved my negativity from one place to another. I try hard not to show my true feelings that spring up and I outwardly try hard to be patient and kind and all the good things that I want to be but I know the truth of what im thinking and feeling and I don't like it, I feel guilty for it and I know its within me and for me to deal with.

Am I willing to look honestly at myself? What stands in my way?

I am willing to look at myself but I do find it hard. When i first came into Alanon I did look at myself and found the ususal defects that come from living with alcoholism and it gave me freedom. However, I can avoid myself a lot of the time. I can get lost in work, the program, anything really to avoid the quiet voice and whats going on inside. Im not sure why i find this difficult, it could be my ego or it could be im ashamed again. I dont want to admit my shortcomings even though I know it will help me progress. I think it may stem from my perfectionism, I think well its a big job and the timings got to be just right and so I procrastinate and dont do anything. Even when this step was posted here I thought oh here we go again, its a tricky one for me. Just sitting down and doing it fels better though, I never gave it as much thought, just went for it and I think thats my problem, I think ive got to do it perfectly so I need about 5 hours, noone else in the house, clear thinking and hours of thought put in before it will be done right but maybe not, maybe these perfect conditions will never be there so this will have to be good enough. 

Do I understand the spiritual principle of a inventory?

Yes, I think I do. To me its about facing up to who I am, the good and the bad and being able to be okay with all of it. Being human means imperfection and that should be okay. Accepting my shortcomings, forgiving myself and looking to try harder or to put them behind me, the past is gone and shouldnt have any power but I suppose it does so its about weeding out all that stands in the way, the guilt and the shame, putting them into context, seeing that I did the best with what I had or knew. Knowing I deserve a happy life. I used to think my suffering was right, it was my punishment for my bad choices. I realise thats not true, Im not bad or shameful, i try hard a lot of the time to do the right things, I do have kindness and I am helpful and caring. Im not perfect and its about accepting that and accepting I never will be.

How do I open myself to others?

I know how to do that now, its very closely linked with how I feel about myself. When Im working my program and have my conscious contact with my higher power I feel I am good enough for any company and I can be friendly and kind and open and quite good fun. Im actually quite funny at times. When Im feeling not perfect or not good enough and my self talk is poor then I can be the opposite, I can be cool and moody and snappy and of course people dont want to be around that. I usually try and get some alone time when Im feeling this way. High expectations can also impact on how open I am. My friends can fall below my unrealistic expectations and i can get suspicious of them, then build a bit of resentment and in  my mind they are playing games and leaving me out or using me and then I can withdraw for a time then thanks to this program I can get a bit of perspective on it and im okay again for a while.

One of my talents?

One of my talents is that I can read between the lines. I can find and see the truth of my situation and Im very grateful for that. Even though I might avoid it to an extent I do want to see more of me and I usually do work it out.

How am I humble? Do I ask God for guidance and follow it to the best of my ability? Do I ever mistakes?

I am humble some of the time, I know I dont have all the answers, especially with my children, I can easily say, well you might be right and I can accept they have their own path with their own lessons and I cant see round corners and know what is best for them. With others in my life not so much. I can get very arrogant, I know best kind of thing, well I work a program which makes me right and everyone else wrong. lol. Its a pain and I often cant control that feeling. I can also bitch about people behind their backs and I can gossip. I know I shouldnt and I didnt for a good while but its creeping back in. Most of my friends and colleagues do this constantly and I find it hard to not partake without them thinking im weak or sitting on the fence. Where I work bonds are made with people throgh bitching and moaning and criticising others. Its very difficult to be left out of the loof in that way and watch friends get closer because they have a common goal of negative thinking. I want to be true to myself and not do this because it damages my self esteem.

I dont ask God for guidance on a daily basis, I knwo I should and when I do my days go better and I can be stronger but I dont know if ive linked in this idea of perfectionism with being worthy of help or even contact with my higher power. I make mistakes every day, Im lazy and dont take the time to work it the way i know helps me.

 Thanks for reading and thanks for posting this Hotrod.x