Oh yes,,, self -acceptance is a really good choice of words. Some people might call this the 'self-help' industry, which is a good starter. Lately I have been thinking about self care.

Things have been getting a lot better for me lately. Memories are surfacing. I can remember my first kiss. And that it not counting the times I kissed my grandma! ...Where that first kiss led me, and what it taught me.

I lot of the bad stuff in my world and in my life has been slowly dissolving away...the thoughts and ideas I was having that I would rather not be having... ... I won't cover them all here, of course. 

I seldom cuss, or swear. I reserved that when I actually felt like harming someone. A cuss was going to let off some anger, without leaving a permanent mark. I am hoping that some time soon I will not even have to contemplate that!

I try to keep good company here in actual reality- the same as virtual reality... one seems to feed the other...

   ...sometimes I wish there was a step completely devoted to gratitude... I would aim for that... 

 Thanks Betty... 

Admitted to God to ourselves and to another human being  the exact nature of our wrong

Acceptance of myself when I make mistakes-- Before Al-Anon, I would have choked on these words. I am learning that perfectionism is like a great weight pulling me down. Perfectionism has no room for failures and no room for improvements. Al-Anon is teaching me that I am human and a work in progress. I will make mistakes because this is how I am designed. ONLY my HP is perfect.  I am finding freedom in admitting to God when I make mistakes. Admittance is humbling and human.  I am learning how to open up to others when I mess up. Before Al-Anon I would have carried by mistakes bottled up inside me forever. I'm learning the feeling of freedom when I talk to others about my wrongs. Slow and steady, slowly but surely, I feel a new me emerging, and I am learning that I like the new me.

I am learning to only place expectations on myself. It's not my place to have expectations of other people. That's between them and their HP.

progress not perfection

It works if you work it.

I am becoming more willing to let my expectations go, when things do t work out as planned I seem to be able to just shrug it off now whereas before I think self pity came in, the why mes and it never works out for me, you know all that kind of thing. In fact, it happened to me last week, I had made plans and they just never worked out, I was a bit disappointed but I ended up having a wee laugh because I thought well, there is more going on in life that I cant see so its a reminder that it wont always go my way and thats ok, I dont have to look for someone to blame so much anymore and I dont beat myself up either as much so this is a good lesson for me, life is much nicer.

There are faults or past wrong doings that im ashamed of and I cant share yet, im getting closer as im doing a step 4 again with another person who is not my sponsor and its a bit easier. Im noticing that the realisations have no ceiling, they do keep coming and maybe always will. Im getting better at accepting them I think. They are the subtle ones, and when I feel I have uncovered one and work through it until I accept it then often I can get a bit self rightous about it. Its about keeping myself grounded and not getting carried away and feeding my ego with my program.

I can see im not perfect, I sooo want to be but im trying to let that unrealistic expectation go, im not great at it, its not easy this one for me. I use perfectionism as a weapon against myself and I think this is an important shortcoming that brings my self esteem downwards. Im more mindful of this one now and I tell myself things like, im only human, its ok to make mistakes, im good enough, what I do is good enough, I work my program good enough. This is my biggest hurdle.

My list of fears are based on my symptoms, they are old fears that resurface, not really new ones as much anymore. My fears are alcohol based, I fear for my son and I worry how far his drinking will take him, its took so much already his whole life, being born into it and throuhout. I fear the impact his drinking will have on me, not sure thats wrong or not, I fear I wont cooe and my life will be turned upsude down again. I turn it over by saying im powerless, it might not happen,  whatever does happen it will be for the best in the long run even if I cant see it and I will learn valuable lessons for any difficulties that come my way.

My perfectionism does block love because I dont feel worthy of love, my self love and care stops because I dont feel I am good enough. Unrealistic goals set me up for failure and then I beat myself up, my self esteem goes down and I get suspicious of others in my life. Its like well im not worthy so they must have an ulterior motive for being in my life. Ive became aware of this and this has been a big problem my whole life. Its a vicious cycle and its non stop. Ive got faith that it will ease as I become more aware and accepting of this and then the actiins will come when im ready. Im learning I cant force progress just because I want it.

A one day I dont want to tell another person about is the day I lost my son to a downward spiral. He was about 13 or 14 and I just lost control and didnt know how to do the right thing and I stopped doing the right thing  and so the wrong things kept happening. it was like I joined in with him so we were both lost and in deep. im ashamed of that time in my life. I didnt give him what he needed and what he needed was simple but I couldnt see that and I did the exact opposite of the right thing. It did lead me to alanon eventually and im trying to make amends through changing me and being better in lots of ways.

Thank you for reading hotrod and thanks for your share.x