Aloha Betty and this was a major step for me also.  Prior to Al-Anon and the steps as a new atmosphere and way of behaving forgiveness wasn't something I did often or freely because I believed that forgiving others would make me vulnerable again as it did in my family of origin and my life in the disease before I found the program.  When I was ready to do step 9 I did a lot of searching about myself and others and other situations and did a study on the different between apology and amends.  For me they were very different and I cam to understand that if I didn't learn how to amend my life I would forever be making apologies most of which would be false and dishonest without intention to change and only be patronizing.  

 

The work I did with my sponsor on compassion and empathy helped me to understand how "they" felt as a reaction to what I did and how to feel what they must have felt as a result.  Often times the only difference between them and I was age and gender so I knew how they must have felt.  I also came to understand that many of them must have felt shame and guilt because they were left with the feelings and thoughts that they had caused what happened that caused me to act the way I did.  Amends came then in releasing them from the guilt and shame as I took responsibility.  Understanding that I often left others feeling responsible for what happened was also what I felt living in the trauma and drama of alcoholism and addiction.

 

Its not only okay, it is also giving mercy and margin to those I left feeling responsible for what I did.

 

There were and are people I cannot and will not be able to make apology to and this doesn't interfere with making the amends.  Making the amends is like telling my HP that I am available again, useful again to be an instrument.

Thanks for letting me share.   ((((hugs))))

I believe that my amends began within myself, and on a daily basis radiates to whoever I interact with. When I changed the way I looked at a troublesome situation, and saw the predicament(s) from another's perspective, I not only eased the stress on myself but I allowed other's the space they needed to reconcile. My biggest problem has been that I have reacted to quickly to difficulties or confrontations and regretted the outcome! I would react to quickly due to the fear of rejection and blame, which was, I believe a real problem until I realized, through Al-Anon, that the disease was not my fault! The old adage rings true, "Don't judge by path if you have not walked my journey", is a very important thought process that I carry with me always when interacting with family, friends, co-workers and strangers.

Thank you for sharing, I too react too much, I have been the opposite as the bible says, slow to speak and quick to hear. I feel like my life has been at times one long reaction. Also that in my Family of Origin, it is encouraged and anticipated. I am working it each day, sometimes feels like a brutal reality.

 

Hi, I am new to this forum.

 

I wanted to write my experience with Step Nine as we are discussing it in our group. In a way Step Nine to me is a forgiveness step. Making amends - Step 8 has me making a list of all persons we had harmed and in Step Nine I can to action and make my amends. Not so easy a Step because it makes me feel vulnerable to be hurt again as it did time and time again growing up in an alcoholic home. I often let go of something my mother had said or forgave her for her slips but then have her attack me over and over again during my life living at home. I brought those fears & doubts into my first marriage and didn't learn anything. Even after our separation, he continued to hurt me - I rephrase that - I allowed him to hurt me time and time again. That was all I knew. After Al-Anon, I found out I had a choice. How freeing was that???!!! I could take on those action or words or I could choose not to let it affect me. Sure it would hurt but I could choose how it affected me. It was very freeing to know I did not have to accept unacceptable behavior - All I need to do is choose not to take it on. I am so grateful for those choices.

 

THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE.    

kelknickle (Kelly)