My Share:

Well, I am slightly dyslexic (I actually didn't learn to read until well into third grade) and I initially read "autonomous" as "anonymous" lol! So, my initial thoughts on this tradition were: Why don't we get to anonymous until the fourth tradition? It seems like it would be the kind of thing to be placed earlier in the traditions... And, let me tell you, the tradition four questions read a lot differently with anonymous than they do with autonomous!

So, moving forward here with my thoughts on tradition four with "autonomous," I think this is a great tradition because it helps Alanon be universal. It acknowledges that each group is made of diverse and dynamic individuals and that those individuals come together to create a space that addresses their specific needs. At the same time, it does underscore the importance of the program itself and the power of shared experiences.

Tradition four questions

in what way can I exercise my autonomy without hurting others?

When I share with the group, I can focus my statements on myself and my experiences. I have experiences to share that I struggle with, and experiences I have lived through that can help others by hearing about them. But, when I do share it is important that I talk about myself and how things are or did work out in my own experiences. It is important that I not assume that another person is thinking or feeling just like I am or did, or that the thing that was right for me will also be right for another person. I think knowing when to listen and be silent is also important. 

In what ways do the decisions I make affect others?

I do not live in a bubble. Every decision I make impacts other people. When I make a decision, I need to be aware that my decisions do not just impact me. If I decide to be absent from a meeting, my absence impacts the whole group, just like my present impacts the whole group when I am there. The affect doesn't have to be negative or positive, but it does exist. When I make decisions, it is important that I make decisions that are good for me while also being aware of their impact on others. This doesn't mean that I make a choice that is not a good one for me because of how it will impact others, but that I need to have an awareness of this affect. Of course, I also know that I can never fully anticipate or know the affect my decisions have on others. 

How does listening to others helped me make responsible decisions?

Listening to others helps me see things from a different view or angle. Listening to my Alanon family gives me courage and confidence that I am capable of making responsible decisions, and helps me to follow through with them. 

How does tradition for help me to build healthy relationships?

Tradition four helps me to come to a relationship as myself, not the wife of an alcoholic. This allows people to really see and get to know me. It also helps me to see my needs as different from other people's needs. Not better or more important, but different and equally important. It keeps me from thinking that I have to change who I am or what I think in order to have a positive relationship because healthy relationships honor the differences between individuals. 

How does Tradition 4 help me to be myself?

Tradition four tells me that it is ok to be myself, and that I do not need to change for anyone. It tells me that I am important and valued, and that my thoughts and opinions are valid. It points out that I am in a very specific point on my own journey, and this place allows me to learn from others while I help others. It also frees me from the burden of being responsible for others and their decisions.