Thank you for your share, Betty, I definitely recognize some of the thoughts you expressed in my own thoughts and feelings.

My Share

I did not come to AlAnon with the intention to work the steps, but simply to find a better way to handle my qualifier's behavior and my own increasingly apparent character defects. While I didn't feel like jumping in right away to work the steps, I found immediate peace in the Three C's, Serenity Prayer, and other basic Program concepts aimed at taking the focus away from my qualifier's drinking and onto myself.  I found that attending as many meetings as I could, along with reading daily from C2C and ODAT greatly helped this process. 

After several weeks, however, I decided to have a go at a formal review of the Steps despite some misgivings I had about some of the concepts. Step One held no challenges as I had witnessed my powerlessness and came to AlAnon because I was terribly unhappy with my situation and how I was handling it. 

Steps Two, however, presented a challenge for me because I was not sure how I could work around the fact that I considered myself at the very least Agnostic. So much of the Program hinged upon a relationship, awareness, and reliance on a God or Higher Power, of which I simply did not believe.

Reading all of the passages in ODAT, C2C, and Hope on Step Two along with Paths to Recovery helped me realize that I did not have to address the God/HP issue just yet. Step Two asks just that I consider that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. As I thought about that, it did not seem impossible to work through. After all, while working Step One I recognized and officially admitted my powerlessness over alcohol and everything outside of myself. 

A passage from Paths brought me great comfort: "Some of us reject religion of any kind and call ourselves either agnostics or atheists. It is important to hear that, whether we practice a particular religion or not, all of us are welcome in AlAnon...we may suspect that...we will be forced to conform or leave. Instead, the group's members turn us toward defining our own idea of a Higher Power and we come to believe that such a Power could exist and might help us." p. 19

I lost my wife, family, and lifelong friends when I left the religion of my upbringing. I felt so grateful that AlAnon made this allowance for people like me rather than completely cutting me out. I was actually being encouraged to form an image or concept that was meaningful to me. I still wasn't sure if I could find a HP concept that would work for me, but I was inspired to try because I saw the Program work in my life and I was grateful to be included.

Step Two did not ask me to believe in someone else's God, or any god, just to be open to considering that I could relocate my sanity with the help of something greater than myself. In just a few meetings and readings in AlAnon I had found more peace and sanity than I had found in two years on my own. The Program was proof that there was at least one thing with more power than I had that could lead me to sanity, perhaps there were more, or maybe that was enough. This was a very important step for me, serving to pave the way towards the concepts in Step Three without forcing me to accept a belief in something I couldn't reconcile with my worldview.  

Step Two questions

What does faith mean to me?

Faith still holds a religious connotation to me, reinforced by my upbringing. I am much more a reason/logic guy, so faith is not a term I think of or use typically, as it triggers thoughts of hope or reliance without reasonable assurance of a predictable outcome. I use the term confidence when describing my level of expectation in an event or outcome. After what I have seen since coming into the program, I am confident that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.  

What does come to believe mean to me?

Before I came to AlAnon, I believed I had the power to deal with alcohol and everything else in my life. I was humbled in my fight with alcohol, forced to acknowledge that I only had the illusion of power over things. I came to believe that the AlAnon had greater power than I did, and following the Program suggestions could lead me back to sanity.

How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity?

When I tried to handle it using the tools that I developed on my own, I lost my sanity, becoming as out of control as I accused the alcoholic of being. I became disillusioned, resentful, fearful, angry, and unlikeable. The situation did, however, motivate me to reach out for help at AlAnon, and as a result of recognizing the wisdom and power of the program and incorporating it into my worldview, I was lead back onto the path to sanity and serenity. 

How have I allowed the alcoholic situation to become my higher power?

I allowed the alcoholic behavior to dictate my level of happiness, my level of optimism for the future, behavior towards others, and my level of sanity. By trying to control the uncontrollable, I lost the ability to control myself.

How has my thinking has becomes distorted trying to handle the alcoholic behavior?

I was deluded into thinking that I could not be happy if my qualifier was not acting as I expected or wanted. I became unreasonable and demonstrated levels of insanity with my attempts to monitor, lecture, admonish, chastise, punish, and otherwise control the thoughts and behavior of my qualifier. My tendency to be in other peoples' business became amplified and unmanageable.  

What does let go and let God mean to me?

It means I need to let go of issues that are not in my control, leave them to be handled by the person responsible and there Higher Power. In issues that are in my control, I should try to handle them to the best of my ability along the concepts and recommendations of the Program, and then not second guessing, worrying, or obsessing about them. I can only do so much, do my best, and then trust that the world will keep spinning no matter what. The outcome of the world does not depend on anything I do...stop trying to handle it my way, get a sense of how my HP would handle it, try that, and see what happens...

When have I done the same things over and over and expected different results?

Before I came to AlAnon, I always tried to change others rather than myself. I would restate, repeat, reemphasize until they changed or I walked away. I tried that with my qualifier for way too long. It was only when I changed my behavior, showed more love, got out of her business, allowed AlAnon to make me a better person that my life improved. Waiting for the alcoholic to finally "get it" and make the changes I expected drove me insane. 

Step 2 is difficult for me because even though I can admit I have had insane behavior I still want to take it back and try to control my own life. I know it is God and God alone that will restore my sanity. It will just take more time for me to let it all go and give it all to him.

When I first went to my Al-Anon f2f group I knew my insanity had taken over. I was wrapped up in the life and moods of my A boyfriend of 1 1/2 yrs and letting his moods effect too much how I was feeling. I had a hard time trusting him because of my ex really and other people that have hurt me in my life. It got to the point where I listened in on a phone conversation and then lied to him about it because I thought he was cheating on me. I admitted it shortly afterwards and told him I had been thinking about going to Al-Anon. I first heard about Al-Anon on a ptsd board. He believes I am going because my ex husband is a workaholic but I mainly started attending because of how I have changed since I have been with him and after my divorce.

My relationship with God faltered after my divorce because I just didn't understand why it all happened to me and why my life had become so hard with so many problems adjusting, financial, health, etc. I couldn't even pray very much. I don't think I was really blaming Him maybe just mad at Him.

What is Faith?
Faith is having complete trust in your HP that he knows what is best for you. He has the key to your happiness and knows what tomorrow will bring. It is stepping out on the bridge that he tells you is there even if you can't see it.


What does come to believe mean to me?

I think the emphasis is on the word 'come'. It is realizing in your mind that a God, a power great than yourself, is needed and necessary to restore your sanity. You can't do it on your own. You can't take it back and try to do it yourself. You have to 'come' to realize and believe that God or your HP only is the one to restore your sanity.

How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity?

As I mentioned previously I was acting in a manner that became out of control. I became impulsive, insecure, angry and impatient towards my alcoholic and people I didn't even know. It finally did reach a point where I know I needed help because it was affecting my life and our relationship in hopes that I could work to continue having one with him.


How have I allowed the alcoholic situation to become my higher power?

I was allowing too much of my happiness to depend on my relationship with my A. And also relationship with my children who I have some difficulties with (not alcoholics). My happiness should be determined on my relationship with God and what he determines is best for my life not let my A or my family and their mood and actions effect my happiness.


How has my thinking distorted trying to handle the alcoholic behavior?

I became judgmental and distrustful. I was trying to give advice to my A boyfriend knowing he did not want my advice even though I have had depression and have just wanted to help him. The dis-trustfulness ran a muck in my mind as the negative thoughts took over exaggerating illogical ways he could be cheating on me and what I should do about it.

What does let go and let God mean to me?

It means complete surrender and let God take care of your burdens. Trust in Him to control your life because He does truly know what is best for us. This is a hard thing for me to practice as I will do it and then 'take it back'....... But when I am really practicing it and praying about it more I get more serene and peaceful knowing my life will be ok because He is in control.

When have I done the same things over and over and expected different results?

Yes, I would repeat the same things over and over again before Al-Anon and expect my A to hear me and to take my advice. Not arguing just doing in love what I thought was helping him out. But it all fell on deaf ears and led to more frustration on my part. Some day I thought he would take my advice because I knew some of the depression problems he was having but it never worked. Now I just listen and don't respond and he has to make up his own mind what is best for him.

Thanks hotrod for doing this. I really appreciate it and your encouragement!!

I'm behind but determined to catch up! I too thank you Betty for your service and lovely ESH regarding the Steps of our program.

I came to Al-Anon through the side door - my sponsor from the 'other 12 step program' suggested it. She actually came to Al-Anon first, and decided she was qualified for the other side, so we've got backwards experiences of arriving. Yet, both programs have helped us immensely and helped restore us to sanity.

I came primarily because I respect and love my sponsor and she thought it would be helpful. I was aware of the 12 steps, and worked them and the other program daily. So, coming here, I knew about the power of a HP if/when I was able to surrender my will. While I wasn't 100% convinced I was insane, I did see clearly how this disease was destroying me at every level and dominating my every thought and action.

I too came with so much pain, torment, anger and resentment that I was in huge denial that I played a role in the chaos/drama of this disease. I really, really wanted someone from this side of the program to tell me how to fix my A sons, who were self-destructing before my eyes. No amount of effort, control, anger, direction, yelling, crying, etc. had worked and I was very fearful they would die.

So, I came with resistance. I came with denial. I came with rage, anger, depression, despair. I came because I had tried everything else to fix them. When I began to listen and to understand, I was seriously not happy. I was almost angry that the program is about self - fixing, changing, working on me. Learning how I can be happy no matter what they are doing. I resisted and still felt as if I would be perfectly happy if they would just do as I say. I had so much to accept, learn and work on!

It took me a while to realize that in spite of my other program, my other program work, my intelligence, my success, etc. that I was as crazy as they come. My actions, reactions, thoughts, and efforts were way left of center and way far from normal. All of these were certainly not helping anyone least of all me.

So, I kept coming to the meeting. I began to read/study the literature. I finally realized that I had to accept and surrender and come to believe that things could and would change if I relied on a power greater than me, and took action. A rough and painful period, but so vastly grateful now that I was able to surrender and accept.

Step Two questions

What does faith mean to me?

Faith for me is the opposite of worry. I had an Aunt who has passed who used to say, "If you are worrying, then you are not praying. So, faith for me means that I am turning it/things over to a power greater than me, hoping for his will and his grace to take care of things. True faith in my program means that I surrender, accept and trust that I am not the center of the universe nor can I see the bigger picture. While I may think I know what is best for me, I must pray for that which is truly best for me - as the best is yet to come.

What does come to believe mean to me?

Come to believe means I am able to accept I am a cog in a wheel, a member among members, a child of God among many others. This means that I show up, close my mouth and open my ears. I humble myself, remain teachable and surrender to the knowledge and wisdom of others. Realizing that there are lessons to be learned in every situation - good, bad, other. I also devote my actions and efforts towards the next right thing as it pertains to spiritual growth and helping others.

How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity?

This disease sucked the sanity from my thoughts, actions, deeds and days. I woke up with dread wondering what might happen today. I approached each step of my day wondering if this would cause more anger, resentment, pain, chaos, drama. There was no self-care in my life beyond the basics, and I tried to control everything and everyone. My brain was obsessed with fixing others, and controlling everything.

How have I allowed the alcoholic situation to become my higher power?

Every waking (and probably sleeping) moment was consumed by this disease, my reactions to it and my never-ending desire and efforts to fix it. I spent more time thinking about 'it' than anything else in my existence. Beyond life's basic duties, I was consumed with changing others so they would have a better life (defined by me) and less pain (measured by me). I could not believe that a power greater than me had 'gifted' me with this mess in spite of my actions, deeds and program work from the other side of the room. I was angry, bitter, anxious, depressed and forever consumed with attempting to control and fix those I love.

How has my thinking has becomes distorted trying to handle the alcoholic behavior?

For me, the disease brings about a 'new normal' in behavior. I felt that my values were compromised, my integrity was diminished and that which is beyond acceptable becomes tolerable. I vividly remember thinking, "If nobody cusses at me today in my own home, my day is a success." If that doesn't spell out how distorted my thoughts were, I am not sure what will. I could give countless examples just like this, but this was one that truly resonates with me still.

What does let go and let God mean to me?

Let go and let God for me means that I surrender to what is and allow others to be who they need to be in that moment. I can 'see' how much I have grown and changed in my life as a result of maturing, program work and life experiences. I need to allow the exact same for others. I know that my God wants me happy, healthy and whole. Letting go in my world means I allow him to do his work for others so they too can seek to be happy, healthy and whole. My God doesn't have grand-children, nor does he only help 'special ones'. He's all powerful and will direct/guide anyone willing to seek him.

When have I done the same things over and over and expected different results?

Having a discussion on the perils of mind altering substances while another is under the influence comes to mind....10 different treatment centers between 2 sons over 5 years suggests some level of insanity. Believing an active alcoholic is going to use the $$ I loaned to pay bills is another. Hiding, flushing, destroying the booze/drugs over and over again. Grounding my boys, thinking that would keep them in the house and safe. I have a million examples of my actions that were done with the intent to cure/control but instead on added fuel to the fire.

Thanks to all who have shared! Grateful for each of you and to be walking this path with you!

I am very new to Al-Anon and am so surprised at how quickly I have experienced the benefits. I decided early on to work the steps one at a time and to find as much meaning as I can at this point in my recovery before moving to the next.  I had felt resistance to step two from the start. Each time we read the steps in a meeting I could feel my mind resisting that step.  this really didn't make a lot of sense to me because I actually am a very spiritual person and do believe there is a power or force at work in the world that is loving and kind. It was just that I don't believe it concerns itself very much with me.  I feel it ignores me because like many of the people in my life it thinks I am strong and can take care of myself so it concentrates on others who need it more. Obviously this is something I have faith that if I do the work I will be able to accept that I matter too. The funny thing is I had a major ah ha moment today, the first day I began working step two. My grandson and fiancé are visiting this weekend and as they were taking their showers and getting ready my grandson discovered he had forgotten something he needed. I had to smile at his fiancé' response. She informed him that when they travel he is responsible to figure out what he will need and make sure he gets it in his bag. She is responsible for packing her own bag and he is responsible for packing his own. I had to smile and realized she was using al-anon speak whether she realized it or not. They left to do a little exploring and I sat down to begin reading about step two.  As I began reading and feeling the struggle of accepting this step their conversation popped back into my mind. I smiled to myself once again and then bam it hit me. My higher power could care less whether I believe I have a relationship or not with it. It has a relationship with me and is speaking to me anyway offering help and guidance from even the most unlikely places if I will just be willing to hear it no matter what the form.  So for now my higher power is just listening to that small still voice.