Step Eight Questions

dot · Senior Member

Step Eight Questions

Vicky R · Senior Member

hi Dot , thanks for that , I did alot of step 4 work with a sponsor and including all the steps too , some amends as well. I remember there was one amend she recommended me not to do , it was an apology to an A about something that she said he might use to justify his behaviour. I found it very hard to see what she meant at the time. I don't think I'm good at recognising that sort of thing , like your 4th question here I find I'm not good at knowing when an attempt to help someone else might be really helpful or in some cases a hindrance. And I don't suppose I'll get the answer overnight either ! Currently I'm trying to tell myself if in doubt leave it out , as a sort of temporary measure ! Also so important like you said in your last post to make amends to ourselves too , I made that mistake when I was new that I was so hard on myself , and now I find that the two things eventually become one thing . That if I can put myself in the right space then it will be better for others too , but that's my journey as an Alanon member , I doubt it will ever be finished ! And yes I do find new defects and stones to overturn , it's not always welcome but with the help of the programmes it has good results usually , thanks for the board

lol Vicky x

dot · Senior Member

Hi Vicky - Thanks for your post and welcome.

I agree that if I'm not ok I can't very well help another person. It took me a lot of practice to put my well being first. I try to remember to ask myself "am I doing something this person can do for theirself?" or "am I trying to change this person?" - I usually end up just listening.

On amends to the a - While married we had a pretty crazy few years that caused me a lot of guilt and shame. After 15 years divorced my program helped me realize that I owed him amends - not for anything I did to him but for my part in all the craziness. He called every 3 or 4 years and so if I was supposed to make this amend I asked my Higher ower to make it possible. Sure enough after a year or so he called and I was able to apologize for my
own actions.. I don't know how he felt about it but I felt better because I had taken responsibility for my actions.

He died a few months later still active in his disease. I'm so glad I let my Higher Power guide me.

Love and hugs - Dot

-- Edited by dot at 19:29, 2006-03-21

Harry01854 · Newbie

Step 8.....Made a list of all persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Majority of the names on my list came from my 4th and 5th Steps. As is mentioned throughout the Big Book and in the 12 Steps of the 12 and 12, willingness is the key word. This is still about me cleaning up my own side of the street, not anybody elses. My own thinking would be...well this person did this to me, so they deserved what I did to them. So why should I make amends to them. Do you really think they will make amends to me? It is that type of thinking that I have to let go. It surely helps me to be willing to make the amends if I first learn how to forgive someone else. After all, isn't it forgiveness that I am asking for. So for me, I have to learn to forgive before I can be forgiven.

So for me, this step is about making a list of the people I had harmed. Not a list of people who have harmed me. Then the second part of it is, become willing to make amends.

Looking at the part that I played in creating the wreckage in my past.

It is about me making a list of ALL people I have harmed.

With the help of a Loving God, and a sponsor, who has been through the process of the steps, with a sponsor who has been through the process of the steps, etc. etc, I received the guidance that I needed, to help me through the process. And always asking God to give me the courage and the strength to be honest and thorough.

May God be your guide.

Harry

Learn how the 12 Steps work. Participate in your own recovery as well as the recovery of others, by being active on this board as we go through the 12 Steps of recovery together! We discuss each of the Twelve Steps In the order they are written, one step at a time, every two weeks.