from "The 12 Steps for Adult Children"

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all"

"'Mom! Sarah hit me!' R.J. screamed like a siren.

'But he kicked me first!,' Sarah answered in defense.

'Yeah, but she took my game.'

'He shouldn't be so touchy.'

And so it goes. Does this sound familiar? Kids love to blame others for their troubles, and they hate to accept any responsibility. We adults might occassionally compel them to accept responsibility and coerce them into a forced apology. But they would never choose to say, 'I'm sorry. My behavior was out of line'

In Step 8 we begin to grow up. We take responsibility for our actions without consideration for the wrongs done to us by others...

Before entering the 12 Step program, many of us blamed our parents, relatives, and friends for the turmoil in our lives. We even held God responsible. In Step 8, we begin the process of releasing the need to blame others for our misfortune and accepting full responsibility for our own lives. Our 4th Step inventory revealed that our inappropriate behavior caused injury not only to us but also to the significant others in our lives. Now we must prepare to accept full responsibilty and make amends...

Steps 1 - 7 helped us to center ourselves in the healing power of the 12 Steps. We were given the tools to examine our personal experiences and to see the importance of letting go of the past. We were freed to continue our personal growth by facing our history and putting it behind us...

Our intention is to make amends and heal our past so that God can transform the present...

Reviewing our 4th Step inventory will help us determine who belongs on our list. Making amends is a difficult task - one that we will execute with increasing skill, yet never really finish...

Forgiving ourselves and others helps us overcome our resentments. Our Higher Power has already forgiven us for the harmful actions that alienated us from God. Developing the ability to forgive ourselves is an important element in our ongoing recovery. the ability to forgive others is essential. Amends without forgiveness lead to dishonesty and further complicate our lives...

To repair our past wrongdoings, we must be willing to face those wrongs by recording the harm we think we have caused. When prepearing the list of people we have harmed, it is best to keep our thoughts directed toward making things right. Although our intentions may be rebuffed , our desire is to obey God and find healing. People on our list may feel bitter toward us and resist our attempts at restitution. They may hold deep grudges and be unwilling to reconcile with us. No matter how we are received, we must be willing to proceed with our amends...

The following are three main categories in which we may have caused harm and for which we must be willing to make amends:

Material wrongs: Actions that affected an individual in a tangible way, including borrowing or spending extravagance; stinginess; spending in an attempt to buy friendship or love; withholding money in order to gratify yourself; entering agreements that are legally enforceable, then refusing to abide by the terms or simply cheating; injuring or damaging persons or property because of our actions.

Moral wrongs: Inappropriate behavior in moral or ethical actions and conduct, including questions of rightness, fairness, or equity. The principal issue is involving others in our wrongdoing; setting a bad example for children, friends, or anyone who looks to us for guidance. Being preoccupied with selfish pursuits and totally unaware of the needs of others. Forgetting birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions. Inflicting moral harm (e.g., sexual infidelity, broken promises, verbal abuse, lack of trust, lying).

Spiritual wrongs: 'Acts of omission' by neglecting our obligations to God, to ourselves, to family, and to community. Making no effort to fulfill our obligations and showing no gratitude toward others who have helped us. Avoiding self-development (e.g. health, education, recreation, creativity). Being inattentive to others in our lives by showing a lack of encouragement to them...

Through the gifts of God's work and the 12 Steps, we have the necessary tools to overcome past wreckage and mend our broken relationships. (at our end anyway)..

Step 8 asks that we face the truth of our behavior and become willing to make amends. We should be prepared to willingly accept the consequences and take whatever measures are necessary to make restitution. This means acknowledging our part in the circumstances where someone was harmed as a result of our behavior. Accepting responsibilty and making appropriate restitition are vitally important activities. Only through expressing genuine regret for our behavior can we complete the housecleaning necessary for putting the past behind us and achieving the peace and serenity we desire...

Willingness is a key element in completing Step 8. Being willing to forgive ourselves and those who have caused us harm is an important aspect of this process. This may require a great deal of humility from us. We are already aware that having resentments and holding grudges are luxuries we cannot afford - they not only destroy our serenity and well being but they are more harmful to us than to the persons we resent. Harboring a resentment or grudge is like having an open wound eating away at us. It causes discomfort and makes us angry, bitter, and ill-tempered. These feelings can deplete our energy, making it difficult for others to be in our presence...

Occasionally we will be prevented from facing (certain) people on our list directly... Whatever the situation, we still need to put them on our list. When we make the amends in Step 9, we will see why amends are necessary, even if they cannot be made face-to-face. Being willing to make the amends will release us from hard feelings and enable us to experience serenity and peace of mind.

When looking at those persons we have harmed, we see how our character defects have played a major part in sabotaging our lives and our relationships. For example:

*When we became angry, we often harmed ourselves more than others...

*Persistent financial problems resulting from our irresponsible actions caused difficulty with our family and creditors...

* When confronted with an issue about which we felt guilty, we lashed out at others instead of looking honestly at ourselves

* Frustrated by our lack of control, we behaved aggressively and intimidated those around us.

* Because of our indiscriminate sexual behavior, true intimacy was impossible to achieve or maintain

* Our fear of abandonment sometimes hurt our relationships, because we did not allow others to be themselves. We created dependency and attempted to control their behavior by trying to maintain the relationship the way we wanted it.

When making a list of people for our amends, we need to remember to [also look at ourselves]. Many of us were victims of self-inflicted pain because we did not have the skills to take care of ourselves appropriately. We spent time and energy trying to be available for everybody and sacrificed ourselves in the process. We may have been our own worst enemy and experienced excessive self-blame, guilt, and shame. Taking time to look at the harm we have inflicted upon ourselves and being willing to forgive ourselves is essential to our continued growth.