Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

My share:
I haven't gotten to the fifth step with my sponsor yet, but being able to post on this board and think about each step monthly is something I find helps me reflect on, get a deeper understanding of, and some practice with all the steps I've read so much about.  When I think about the word "Admitted" in step five, it brings me back to step one - Admitted we were powerless over alcohol.  It reminds me that I am powerless over the effects of alcohol and understand that my survival skills as a child growing up in an alcoholic family may have served me well at the time, but are now defects of character.  These defects have hurt me, hurt others, and have distanced others from me.  To be able to recognize my defects of character in step four and then to share my defects with God, myself, and my sponsor will, I hope, be very freeing.  

Step five questions:

Can I see that I am not perfect?  Oh yes, I definitely know I'm not perfect.  Before I came to Al-Anon, I was very controlling and judgmental, with most of the judgment targeted at myself.  I thought I had to be perfect to make up for everything and everyone else.  I agonized over every little mistake I ever made.  This is something I'm still working on and perhaps will be working on for the rest of my life, although I hope over time it becomes easier.  I think most of my being judgmental came from the deep sense of shame I had growing up in an alcoholic family and thinking that the way I was raised wasn't right.  From this experience, I thought I knew the "right" way and I could teach everyone else how they should be.  Step one was huge for me - understanding that others are individuals with habits, characteristics, and ways of dealing with things that are different than my own.   

Have I isolated myself?  Maybe sometimes.  I think mostly I have a sense of when I need time to myself and would be more likely to overdo things than to isolate myself.  

Do I believe that sharing with another person can break isolation?  Yes, I can recognize how this will break isolation and be very freeing.  It sounds daunting to me, but I have faith and trust in the steps and that they're in an order that will help me prepare for this important step.   

What is the one thing I don't want to tell another person and can I start there first?  I'm not sure yet.  I think most likely it will be admitting to myself that while I may have done the best I could at the time, my children have been affected by being raised by an adult child of an alcoholic (me).  While I wanted, more than anything, to give them a much happier childhood than I had and for them to have joyful childhood memories, I think it will be extremely painful to explore the pain my children had.  It hurts me deeply to think about this because my intention to give them a happy childhood was so strong.  I think looking at exactly how I may have hurt my children will be very hard to accept and share.

Doing this step, whatever the exact nature of my wrongs, am I afraid to admit my faults?  I don't think it will be as difficult to admit my faults as it will be, as I stated in my last answer, to accept how I may have hurt my children.  

Can I make a list of my fears?  I'm afraid of so many things.  I'm afraid of making a mistake.  I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and hurting others.  I'm afraid of others judging me unfairly.  As I write this, it's clear to me that I operate out of a deep sense of shame.

Have been telling someone nature of my wrongs enhance my ability to see myself?  While I haven't gotten to step five with my sponsor, I've been sharing the character defects I've discovered in the earlier steps and it's amazing what I've learned about myself.  While some of it has been painful, I'm so grateful because I can't change what I don't recognize.  

What is the one thing I don't want to tell another person?  It's not that I don't want to tell another person about how I may have hurt my children, but I know it will be painful to really explore how I have hurt them when my intention was the opposite - to give them the joyful, happy childhood I didn't have.  

What have I learned from about fear, honesty, trust and acceptance?  I've learned that I have many fears that are based in shame and guilt.  And I've learned that honesty and trust are key to setting myself free.  I think what I'm learning about acceptance is that I have to accept myself and to accept that I have been profoundly affected by the effects of alcohol.  By accepting, I can acknowledge my character defects.  As my sponsor as told me, first comes awareness.  The next essential step is acceptance.  I must find acceptance before I can move on to take action.  

Is there anything I have left out?  I have some notes on step five - By blaming others, I'm avoiding working on myself.  Also, I am human and make human errors.  Talking about my mistakes can diminish their size.  Step five can help me experience personal acceptance and support and can teach me greater patience and acceptance of others as well as myself.  I can let go of the need for perfection and become more human.  

Now that I have finished up Blueprint for Progress and Step for with my sponsor, I thought it was time...

Step five questions

Can I see that I am not perfect?
Yes, I see that now. It is a constant struggle for me, because I have always been a perfectionist even while knowing that trait can be detrimental! Crazy, huh? I have learned that perfectionism can make me a tough task-master... b/c I feel if I can do it, anyone can do it! And sometimes, that is just not true! Perhaps I am still struggling with this in myself, as I made an error in my new career/job, and I beat myself up for it for days! I cried and cried I was so mad at myself! At least I am more accepting that OTHERS are not perfect, nor do they have to be.

Have I isolated myself?

Not now. But while living with an addicted spouse, I did isolate in the way that I didn't share what was happening in my life. My answer to everything was "I'm fine" "We're fine." "It's all good." When it was definitely not all good! During my separation and pending divorce, I really did reach out to friends and let them know I needed help. It was hard at first, but got easier with time and their unwavering support.
Do I believe that sharing with another person can break isolation?

Yes, I certainly do now.

What is the one thing and don't want to tell another person can I start there first?

This is huge for me, b/c I have never said this "out loud." I used to constantly fantasize about becoming a widow. I actually used to pray that my SO would pass.

Doing this step, whatever the exact nature of my wrongs ,am I afraid to admit my faults?

NO, I am not afraid to do so. I have since made peace with the fact that I cannot abide with relapse. Is that harsh? Maybe. But I have accepted that I can't "do" that. I have also come to realize that perfectionism can be made into a fault. Especially when you expect that of others! I have also recognized that I can get "stuck" with expectations.

Can I make. Make a list of my fears?

I fear being alone as I grow older.

I fear not having enough money to live comfortably.

I fear that my teen-aged son will dabble in drink or drugs and become addicted.

I fear the boundaries I will have to put in place should that ever become a reality.

Have been telling someone nature of my wrongs enhance my ability to see myself?

Yes, it has made it easier. The "whys" of repeating these wrongs is harder to fathom. It is a constant work in progress.

What is the one thing I don't want to tell another person.?
I kind of already answered this, but to expand on it, I was ashamed to admit that wishing my partner dead was because I didn't want to face the reality of my situation. I did not want to be the "bad guy" and leave the marriage... I didn't want to go through the whole "supportive wife" thing, I didn't want to attend those meetings at the rehab for families, I didn't want to feel the guilt for not wanting to go visit, and I definitely did not want to go on public assistance, AGAIN! I wanted the easy way out. I now feel that was just sad, selfish, and disrespectful to the person I had originally married. I hold great shame that I even had those thoughts!
What have I learned from about fear, honesty, trust and acceptance?
I have learned that I made many of my decisions based on fear. Fear seemed to be the catalyst for almost all my actions. I have learned that saying what you mean, meaning what you say, and not saying it mean really is a cornerstone of behavior for me. It helps with the honesty. It certainly has helped raise my kid! I have learned that I have become a very distrustful person... that is my fallout from being married to an addicted person. I am still at odds with this, b/c I feel in today's world, being a little wary of people is a good thing. Acceptance was very hard for me. It was hard to accept that my spouse would do this to the family, to me, again. It was hard to accept that my marriage ended - I almost typed "failed," but I have moved past that belief - see I am growing! It was hard to realize that I never had a marriage that I really wanted...I guess it was hard to accept that I wasn't ever truly "happy." Now I am at a stage that I have to accept that I am on my own now. That I will probably be alone the rest of my life. Most of the time I try not to think about it. But seeing old couples walking hand in hand, really gets to me!
Is there anything I have left out?

I feel that I will have to make amends to my Ex at some point... I knew he had passed from casual drinker to alcoholic... but I allowed myself to believe his lies. Even when it came out in the open, and I was detaching, I did not do so with love. I was so full of anger. He is now sober and working his program, and the divorce papers have now been signed and have been sent to the courts for final ruling...if I wasn't so afraid of being on my own... of being destitude, I would've done this sooner, and perhaps he would've gotten sober sooner and have less health problems due to the long-term drinking.