Firstly, I am reworking step 4 and it taking me forever. Last time was a very long time ago. I even have help in that we are doing an ongoing 4th step workshop once a month and it is going really well. I'll add that my fellow member are all extremely wonderful and everyone gets along which is pretty remarkable. The 4th step work shows me how many ways I am not ready to fully do this step but there are some issues I can turn over.

Humility, to me, is the opposite of humiliation because I choose to not let my self-will/ego/ perfectionist/ know-it-all be in charge. Rather I have the luxury of not knowing. I used to believe I had to know because no one else seemed to but I can see otherwise much of the time. I forget but even that is a reminder of progress, not perfection. I can be a huMAN instead of whatever I used to think I had to be. I find the concept of humility comforting.

Which defects? How long do we got? LOL

what prevents me from humility all the time?
Relapses into old behaviour like believing I am in charge, I know best, other people are idiots or some other judgment which really says God did a bad job making you so I have to pick up the slack. What does that make me? God's mother? lol

Anytime I lose my sense of humour I need to ask why. anytime I feel
humiliated ashamed or fear your rejection I am not humble. I believe I am dependent on you rather than God.

I'm running out of time and so i 'll think about question 3 on my way to an errand

Love to all
Nora G

I have been struggling for the last couple of months with something in my life.  I went to a meeting on Saturday and it was a Step 7 meeting, and I realized I am struggling with Step 7.  I would like my higher power to remove the shortcomings that cause me pain and embarrassment.  But step 7 does not tell us to tell him to remove the shortcomings that we choose, but by humbly asking him, we allow him to remove the shortcomings he wants out of our lives.

This is where I am struggling with self will.  I enjoy my shortcoming that I am protecting, it makes me feel good, even though it may be hurting the ones I love and keeping me from being an honest and open person.  I know I am powerless over it, but I also have to admit that I don't want it removed because I like being that kind of person.  

So I must face if I will or will not do a step 7.

Greg H

 

Hi Betty,

I've been looking at the "survival skills that no longer suit me" on step 6..and have become ready. I feel like this one is a mountain that I give to God, then pick back up again. It really has nothing to do with the A's around me as much as it does the way I was raised. (alcoholic family) Perfectionism, (the house has to be perfect, the yard, etc) and fear that is driving the cart if it's not. I thought I was doing well in this area until I learned my mom is coming to visit next week. I'm grateful the back injury is healing so well and for a great physical therapist place this time around.. But, I can only do what I can do and the house is not up to "my expectations"

I see the areas (more to be revealed as I go) that are in fact not humble, it's myself driving the cart vs allowing God to drive for me. I'ts interesting in the Paths to Recovery regarding step 7, it says sometimes its useful to recognize how the defects benefited me. In this area it was great to be able to have all that stress energy to get everything done before company came. I have been practicing letting go and letting God. We have some young men who have been coming over to work on the fence. I fix them lunch. I challenged myself to not say one word negative or an excuse about my house. I did it! It felt like a major victory and major breakthrough. But........here I am in a panic over my mom coming. Sooooooooooooo I'm taking this experience to work step 7 again because this has always been a huge stressor for me. I can't do what I can't do physically, therefore I need to truly give it to God and let it go. Just because you can't move as much physically doesn't mean the mind takes the breaks needed as well lol!



Step seven questions

How am I humble? I am humble in the fact that I recognize it is myself causing these issues. I am aware I cannot do this on my own. It always fails. I can't do this, God can.

What defects am I ready to have removed? Yes!

What old behaviors get in the way of my being humble? Thinking I can do these things in my own power/strength.

What can I do this week to practice a positive trait? If the old patterns or I should say, when the old patterns/thinking etc creep back in, use the program tools to remind me I have no control over these things. Easy does it, ODAT, for now it may be an hour at a time as I learn to truly let go and let God have all these areas.

if I ask to have any fears removed from my life which ones? Fear of failure, fear of nothing I do ever being good enough, fear of what others think.....acceptance.
Am I able to see challenges as opportunities to practice new character traits? Yes. as I turned my defects over to God.? Yes.

Hugs and thank you for your service Betty!

PS I invited her and was waiting on her to think it over. I'm starting to laugh tho at how silly this area of worry is!!!

Step Seven: "Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings"


My share: As I have mentioned in past step posts, I'm not on Step 7 with my sponsor yet, but as I'm about to move on to step 4, I'm coming to many new understandings about myself, my defects, and the choices I've made in my life.  Many of my defects were childhood survival strategies that no longer serve me.  As I continue to work the steps, I can see how proud I was of many of my defects of character because they were not entirely negative.  Many of them helped me move beyond my alcoholic family and to move on to work hard, graduate from college, and begin a new life.  I can reflect back now that although those characteristics served me well at the time, they bring me a sense of constant unease and worry.  They also cause me to behave in ways of which I'm not proud.  That's not the way I wish to live my life anymore.   


Step seven questions:

How am I humble?  I'm humble in that I know I can't remove my own defects of character.  I've tried to change and have failed.  I need to recognize that God is the only one who can truly remove my defects of character.  If I put my trust in my Higher Power, I can let go of my defects.

What defects am I ready to have removed?  My tendency to be controlling, to be negative, to be a martyr, to engage in self-pity, constant worry over what others think of me (image management), and my tendency to be rigid and believe things have to be a certain way.  

What old behaviors get in the way of my being humble?  Thinking that just because I overcame a difficult family life growing up and moved on to have a successful career and raised two amazing kids that I know the right way to do things.  Also. my tendency to be a martyr is a definite obstacle to humility.  I've really worked on both of these things and am starting to recognize when I'm thinking I'm right or that I'm being a martyr and am starting to resist some of my old behaviors.  

What can I do this week to practice a positive trait?  As part of step three, I've been turning my life and will over to the care of God each morning before I get out of bed. If I continue to do this throughout the day, it can help me remember not to react in my old ways, but to respond and allow my Higher Power to work through me.  I can also use the Al-Anon slogan, Listen and Learn to close my mouth and truly listen to others and be willing to learn from them. To have compassion and respect for others.  

if I ask to have any fears removed from my life which ones? Am I able to see challenges as opportunities to practice new character traits as I turned my defects over to God?  The fears I wish to have removed from my life are my fears that my son will relapse and fears of the unknown after my mother's stroke - How will I take care of her?  What will happen to her?  Yes, I have found that challenges have offered me opportunities on several occasions to practice new character traits.  When my son had a relapse, I resisted calling and texting him obsessively.  Instead I meditated and brought myself back to the present, concentrating only on my breathing.  I was then calm enough to pray and to turn my son over to his Higher Power.  That brought me the peace of mind to be able to tell my son I love him and that I was sorry to hear about. his relapse. The next day, he went back to sober living and has been working the steps.  I believe if I'd used my old patterns of behavior, I would have contributed to the problem.  This time, I got out of his way.  Because of this experience, I feel that challenges can be difficult, but can offer amazing opportunities to practice new character traits.

-- Edited by Growing on Thursday 19th of July 2018 02:50:58 PM

Step Seven: "Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings"


Well, I guess it's about time that I do Step 7. I am not sure why I've had to sit on this for awhile now. I know that I am entirely READY. I dislike the negatives in me that keep me stuck in unhealthy behaviors. I KNOW that this is the next logical step...


Step seven questions:

How am I humble? I think that I struggle with this, b/c I have to ask this question. Am I really, truly humble? I know that I want to be. But in all honesty, I don't think I am there yet. Not completely anyway. I am humble about many things, but I see my resilience, my ability to strike out on my own, go to school, start a new career - all at a late age - as something to be proud of... so in some ways keeps me from being humble in all areas of my life. I guess I can safely say that I now know that many of my coping skills that I developed over my 29 year marriage were NOT healthy... and I employed some tactics that were not healthy. I am humble enough to know I need to leave those behind, and to never pick them up again.

What defects am I ready to have removed? I really want my need to control others and situations to be gone forever! I would like to put down the judgement, the belief that I am always right. I joke that I am working on it everyday, but there is always someone, or some instance that proves me right. Is there a way to acknowledge this and still be humble? I take pride in being very open-minded...maybe I need to work on having less pride? Hmmmm. Food for thought.

What old behaviors get in the way of my being humble? That "joke" that I mentioned before... it's like, "See, the thoughts you cultivate about always being 'right' keeps validating me! I know that when I obsess over others (especially my young adult son) that I move into the controlling phase. I work each and every day to stay out of this obsession. It is not always easy, as my son still lives with me. My negative thoughts keep me in a low place, and also seem to perpetuate judgement of others. I notice when I am emotionally low, I tend to judge others more often - mostly in the car, with only myself to hear...I would never outwardly judge others. So not really sure why I do it at all.

What can I do this week to practice a positive trait? I have begun starting each day thanking my HP for the new day... even before I get out of bed. I think that I can do this even one better by adding to it for my HP to help me to truly accept others as they are - no negative talk, judgments. That includes myself!! Imagine that! LOL!

If I ask to have any fears removed from my life which ones? Right now I am sitting with fears of being alone and older. I am 55 yrs. old. Most of the time I don't feel 55... I know I don't look 55. I try not to act 55. Not because I fear or hate the age, but b/c I feel as humans get older, they tend to get stuck in their ways. And I don't want to be stuck! I want to be flexible, malleable. Open to new thoughts, new people, new ideas, new and better ways of being a human. However, I found that I was extremely lonely this Thanksgiving. I know that I will fight this during this Christmas season as well. Last year was just survival mode 101. This year I am stable... but more emotional unstable. Odd. I see my son leaving the house in the not too distant future. I know this is good... right. But it only highlights that I am growing older... without someone by my side. I know that I chose to divorce... I remind myself about this every damn day... but I fear the logistics of being elderly by myself. But I remind myself that many people do it every day... widowers, divorcees, etc. Perhaps I need to wake up and tell myself, "You got this!" LOL!

The other fear I have is my son's choice to use weed as a tool for anxiety and depression. I have read all the studies.  And I know about all the benefits of this plant. I am actually a "pro-weed" person. I have petitioned for decriminalization & regulation. I even use CBD oil myself for back pain. But... I also know that it is highly likely that addiction is in my son's genes. And while weed is not physically addictive, it can become behaviorly addictive. So I worry. And I obsess. Then I try and control. In all honesty, it is a daily struggle to Let Go of this when it comes to my child. I remind myself everyday that he is an adult. That he has to make his own way... that I need to respect him enough to accept his choices. This does not come easily. So I ask for this fear to be removed... so that I may be the respectful, supportive Mom I was meant to be!