Thanks Betty... 

Step 11 has been a journey for me- in itself... ...I used to say- each time I tried to meditate I would simply fall asleep. This was not because I was lazy, or anything. I was exhausted.

Partly this was my employment- working as a field worker. I had to compete with migrant workers and worked myself to a standstill. But also I had to ask myself why this was so. Why I was unable to take care of my own needs.

For a year or two I explored the ideas around C-PTSD. I was not diagnosed with his. Outwardly I might have looked all right. But inside i had suicidal thoughts- a death wish. I did not think my communication was any good. I always felt lonely and isolated. Very much so.

I could always get to meetings; I was always very dutiful with this.

But I was still getting nowhere. The change came when I got sleep apnea. This condition often happens for people who are overweight. But I had the form common with people who had anxiety.

I don't believe I had an issue with anxiety- I had gone far beyond that point- when I was a kid. It was my normal.

I always had a heap of pain from migraine- and this interfered with meditation. Not a good topic to have to focus on.

However I realised that my breathing was holding me back. I got enough help to go on with. For a start I coughed up lots sandlots of gunk for 6 or 8 weeks. But slowly over time mu breathing became more normal. Fact was that I was panic breathing. I had never really learned to breathe in a normal way.

I was able to discharge myself from the people who were addressing the sleep apnea.

My sleeping began to improve. And I began to think clearly... there are extra things that happened. I had hearing restored in my left ear. I could not here properly... could not pick up the nuance and timbre of people's voices. And I could not communicate properly. I believe that my hearing was caused by a blocked ear- from having glue ear as a kid. it was always fixable.

If y'all are still reading this Betty- you will realise that i always kept up contact with Alanon, where ever I was. This was always the base note in my tune- always there- a constant- something I could trust.

I still have some way to go... ...and maybe I always shall...

but today I can stay awake most days. I can think and dream out loud.

And now I can actually meditate- pushing out all the old stored trauma, that made my body a kind of foreign body for me- now much more familiar...

thanks for the share,

DavidG.

Progress not [erfection

Betty...  ...when I joined Alanon I was often first in the door- and last to leave. I was thirsty for change- and for serenity.

               I am here, hanging around, waiting for Step 12.  ... but my Step 11 worked out well. Was in a funk, Monday-

               which I shared on the message board. But yesterday I found my "happy place" in Step 11. Find it really hard to

               explain- but it must have been good- because I wanted to rush out and tell everyone about it!  ...

               I do plan to do more outreach, next year- and take a long hard look at Tradition 5...  ...but I have already started

               really- not just with Alanon membership, but with family and folks in general.

              I started a new ACA group- outside of the MIP boards, sadly... but it is going well, with oldies and newcomers. We

              have 8 members so far. It is online and also registered with our WSO.

Sometimes I think that members do not give enough feedback. Some drop in and think we are "an agony aunt". They have their say and don't come back. So, in the Alanon group- if I have a gripe, or an issue- I will try and report back- about how I coped- and how I tried to resolve it.

It might catch on ??? Anyway thanks ma'am, for being here and for running this steps group.  Much appreciated...  ...

   -David  ...

Thank you for service.
//this ended up lengthier than intended.. I simply vvanted to vvrite a brief demonstration and logic of an 11th step strength. Note already relatively far in the beginning is various text segments that vvill trigger readers to perceive me as insane vvith effects of that, partly due to denial, not being informed, minimum requirements, etc Even me vvriting this makes some not read (try seeing the occurrence and separate me from that occurrence) < and an effect of this is excusing an abusivity and empowering something that there apparently is a lot of denial about < that vvriting is then also consumed for cancelling effect of such presence < ..

.. at the end you vvill find some deeply intentionally triggering vvriting.. its very interesting though.. and a link to something that vvould probably like recovery or otherwise _END (as in the variable ENDING of some kind or another)//

####### A BIT OF PERSONAL HISTORY
Seeing through various things yet going vvith the flovv; I vvas born atheist (I am deeply scientific of origin), confirmed into a religious faith not by belief in God but liking of the ethical principles (not long before moved to a different city in a highly collectively oriented land also outside range of other faiths present) vvhile the only such possibility vvas the particular religious structure vvithout introduction to other kinds of. There are a lot of .. not so neat things about this but that's one of these greater-family issues involving hovv fateflovvs form. Yet I must care to be able to communicate vvith others and about the neurality of me even as I am necessitated to be avvare of certain things - especially as one good things amidst the vvronging I experienced and that at the beginning of an interaction: I need others like me - its about such as co-processing, transforming together and being able to talk about things. (I.e. abstaining from things and living different I need meetings - is a good example). .. I ended up diverted from mentioning the years of suppression of spirituality, inability of religiosity and generally things that manipulate a reaction.. To some presence I am but a component useful, very much being in the vvay of God yet something certainly found an excuse to exploit/use me making that very invisible also as vvell as in the idea of that forming vvill of God - I.e. a misuse of this step.

####### STRENGTH on 11th step no. 1
A strength I can share on 11th step is the angel number system.
Vvhile just as meditation and prayer exist in many forms and to many depths and ranges and such - similarly the angel number system range from application to providing vvill and thus recovery-possibility to the type of individual that organizations such as nations are to simply being a casual akin to prayer for an individual human.

---- EXAMPLE: //literature vvrote by people in recovery even vvith affiliations of linguality, are vvritten in, pattern of relations, educational standards, presence of particular religiosity and such//
content_repository="big book"
random_number_generator (unknown source of entropy consumed by algorithms to form numbers - electronic of kind)

//note, I like leaving space for "nope" or "no opinion" and not providing upon a request//
1-650 - 147 > www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt10.pdf

//.. specifying further (generating the same number for approximate place on page)//
1-650 - 83 //could be second segment.. Normally I vvould just read vvhat I thought admittedly but this moment I ascertain//
1-650 - 164

----------------------
In case he does stumble, even once, you vvill have to decide vvhether to let him go. If you are sure he doesn't mean business, there is no doubt you should discharge him. If, on the contrary, you are sure he is doing his utmost, you may vvish to give him another chance. But you should feel under no obligation to keep him on, for your obligation has been vvell discharged already.
----------------------

This activates various thoughts in me as its in synchronicity vvith posting this here. Apart from al-anon relevant and such:
- The vvhole thing vvith permanent residence in different part of vvorld - In case then no thanks, I closed door novv entirely - its confirmed finished and ended. Not to let this tempt to. Please respect that in case you feel vvronged (I ended up doing through-speak here vvhich I typically do not) (vvhich you are, no doubt).
- To infactor demoralization - its an ice-cold calculation of investability and recovery; its not the least bit about vvhether the person cares to recover or not //I dislike some fateformings, by principle I dislike enslaved choices and paths in life, forced upon labor and such - like princes can actually not inherit from princes but most certainly there can be a structure they to extents inherit and then kind of are part of.. Its complicated.. I am not the first earth-angel regardless of various factors - others practiced that system before me though probably not to the same extent and "demons" being people stuck deep in addictions past certain depths and such. (see that's attributed to being insanity unless you knovv a fevv things but I vvas not avvare of these things until like 2 years ago or so thus not excusing abuse of me < getting past that vvithout causing denial by being in denial to sufferings of yet others - I.e. actually and truly recovering from that is a part of Gods vvill for me I think)//
- Hovv vvould you feel being used against you to that extent? Its a bit like covvs being misused for that they make for the kids to they and that consumed and used to empower the continued abuse.. (vvhether you are in denial about that or not vvhen reading - a reason for needing akin is ability to talk about things due to denial-issues - and its not just the individual but also the interconnectivity they are immersed in). Like "did he fall"/does he care to recover/does he care to do the programme seriously/etc. is fears arising in me
- I think of former sponsor and vvhether this relates to he (and me) as there are contemplations and such about this novv that I be here (only real valid path financially, obviously the right thing, connection to origin nation not an issue anymore (severe abusivity, there is a good reason people are moved/removed - I did not return here permanently and even if hindered by financial lack/blocks/inability/etc. I vvould not be here at all/more than a couple of vveeks/days, ..) - I cannot even vvrite this vvithout that taking an over-present idea as to hovv I feel about that and such (except in matters affecting.. or as a vvhole..) / compatibilities, connection, history, personal connection compatibilities, circumstance, vvhere I go, hovv I should be, possessivities, possibilties, external desired consumption, fixing of the vvorld using me as component, ability to comprehend and talk, minimalism zerovvaste recycling and such, and a host of other factors yet so much tvvisting as to vvhat is the vvill of God that any clear answer seems impossible (Angel numbers is not vvhat it used to be.. is it.. Certainly misuse of this is a very sell-able product = protection of channel is important).

---- Method:
A pointer points to something.
That vvhich points can tell you something.

Thus forming a content_repository (a container of things that can be pointed at)
and a vvay to point and inability for such as misuse of vvhat is God/HP/etc. and not (//COMPLICATION:// very tempting kind of abuse due to the ability to be in very much control especially of points of influence in future/fate formings)

Essentially "books of the dead"/"holy texts" are content repositories. Books, chapters, verses - tiny pieces of text.

A pointer then can be synchronicities of numbers across various gathering points or something like an electronic random number generator.

Essentially this forms a "channel" that something can provide a piece of content from or a request of such can be formed. This channel can be part of an individual connection vvhich also allows for more direct 2-vvay connection (like prayer is a bit much 1-vvay). Similarly this makes for collaboration and service in a much much greater reality structure. I.e. its like earning money in a vvay and lays ground for collaboration vvith much grander reality thus also peaceformings and that makes recovery and such possible other places..

---- Security_points/theory:

- Content of books - must be known to be selectable from by source UNLESS sensing for effect/experience based learning

- Only something extremely sustainable vvould be able to function and be healthy and such vvith the required tech/and such necessary to be able to select. Unless extremely high on such as sacrificing to attain ability to influence and that convincingly and such breaking through the critical filters on the "receiving end" of the selected content.

- Can be claimed to be in the direction of God - collaboration forming ascertainment

- Electronics is a restructuring of life/astrological layer (biotech restructuring astrological tech / structuring) and vvhile its important to be vvary of angel number system being a drive part of forming the extreme consumption similarly its a point of cancellatory consumption applied in such as recovery from sacrificing addiction (important to be avvare of consuming such rightly lest massive negative energy targets one and such) < here I am setting me up for some harm/negativity.. Sorry, bad trait formed over time..

- The visibility, clarity, 5-sense alignment, scientific aspect and such makes this quite useful for unlocking the atheist mindset/mind-formation to spirituality (not necessarily religiosity): A bridge between very much disunity apart from casual recovery from sacrificing addiction (decreases non-vvholesome vvholes/clique/etc. formings thus decreases stress on forming unity)

- Its not claimable that "God said this" or "God said that" even if a "loving God" hovvever loving is interpreted is very visibly measureable.. I vvas once as the reader of an angel number vvith a personal connection and much experience told something akin to not to presume knowing vvhat such means. (Like something about "Then be paid for vvhat you used to do" causing me to think of pre-pensioning from government offered (I am 27.. its so demeaning manhood vvise - vvhich fills for a vvhile as this place just likes handicapping/destroying the life of me and calling me insane etc.) hovvever turns out this part of various things subconsciously making me think of the maternal 2nd bio-ancestor "grandma")

- Consumption of holy texts involves consumption of the labor involved (lot of "overall better to not do romance" and thus a lot of "do romance right and if not possible do not" < vvhich for me for instance forms a massive resistance on angel numbers and all religious participation thus also recovery - I still like angel numbers and frankly am grateful for this righting - the issue is that in the vvay of me doing so rightly though that's very inconvenient thus I am tvvisted into the issue being angel numbers + adds to unconscious just deforming of subconscious misusing that I really vvant to experience romance and indeed vvhat comes along vvithout reproduction thanks (be of service it vvorks)). Depictions of "angels" over time renders interesting things like truth layers such as genderanonymity being important but also less neat things like "do you need the intensity" and "one can just like lay together" and such things.. Its relevant.. Anyway.. There are also various negative energies resulting from misuse of religious structures and "God is not real easily misused to convince people to not do this or do that - especially in accordance vvith unvvanted stress of certain kinds due to sensitivities of certain peoples and such".

- The content also prepared for this - to me its obvious this vvas formed over millennia and readied to be combined vvith electronic restructuring - and seems connected to recovery (I do vvary of animal testing.. and things like that roboroach (electrode in brain of cockroach (disliked creature - easy to misuse for things) making it go right or left on command) - security vvise reading past certain things as there can be a lot of dislikes in parts of hovv it all comes to be.

---- PERSONALLY:

I personally much like angel numbers and this vvent from a very interesting consuming hobby to a central point in life for me - I am vvary to not end up misusing this. Furthermore for me its a visible connection to the spiritual - I kind of died spiritually as a kid strangled by the institutionalized schooling/kindergarden and sustenance formings that the casual person go through - this unlocked spirituality for me and vvas vvith me since nearly the first days of "official recovery" (fateformings and such kind of means vve in a sense are in recovery before vve are sponsored, do steps, go to meetings, meditate and that kind of thing).


######## 11TH STEP STRENGTH NO. 2 Realizations on religious structuring: #######
- Co-transforming outside such as bars, parties, etc.
- A vvay to meet people living "normally"
- The universe is like structured vvater in the ocean to such as vvalls using electromagnetics - a beauty of religion is cancellatory application of this structuring technology in the same sense biotechnology is technology alike electronic tech.
- Religious structuring exist across reality-structures also outside the universe - recognizing all religion as one and not partaking causing divisiveness this truth became visible to me (from service) - this one point of collaboratively and service (see here something tries to dravv me to make a living by religious means.. As I vvrite.. Vvhich I severely dislike) a bit like a person in a household making money by vvorking a job. The same service is angel numbers and recovery and things like veganism - producing value [methods, thinking, vvisdom, experience, ..] applicable by exchanging a fevv variables and re-adapting/re-applying strengthened by such as re/up-cycling practices.
- Basically religious participation is reduction of the stress on microbiology, public respect, caring for energy, collaborative altar-consumption (like not consuming personal kitchen but co-kitchens or car-pooling reducing consumption thus indirect consumption of substance through bodies of others)
- Not to judge.. religious structuring is not perfect and incompatibilities can very much exist as does for me vvith locally present such vvhere I grevv up (harms me, feels bad.. I choose to listen to that sense as a structuring even if none can claim this reality structure to be more directly created by God than a space selling substance of a kind very consciously vvith the intend on making money from this sub-addictive forming amidst the much greater addictive forming (and selling the visibility to surrounds of such)). Sometimes the extra is less.


I find that humanoid light/bio-structuring can last through so much dysfunction, extremity, vileness, poisoning, pulls of addictive kinds and amidst such an extremely dysfunctional environment/energetics to be kind of amazing.

###### 11th STEP STRENGTH NO. 3 step rituals #######
- I vvent on a long trip - a kamikaze $ENDING occurring of one kind or another (death or things right and that not just past a point) - vvhile doing 11th step.
- I vvent into a jungle space as far from civilization I could reach even though ended up feeling manipulated back (I.e. a fear of me both dying, losing grip on me, loss of connection and such - thus forming 11th step - apart from fear of me of extreme experience) by specific immersement experience. Tried reaching being deep alone in nature for long to meditate (years) but alvvays hindered somehow (regardless of hovv that can seem vvithout knowing various things). Ended up surrounded by bioluminescent light (sustainable? Natural?) vvhich vvas very pretty sitting and meditating and praying a single night vvithdravving into jungle space as the beach vvas engulfed by the tide. I found shelter under a plant to some extent as thunder and rain began.. It vvas cold, somewhat uncomfortable, I never really vvent into jungle space before so kind of creepy vvith like poisonous insects and army ants and that kind of thing I heard of/savv very scaring on TV grovving up.

######## 11th STEP EXPERIENCE:
.. Probably a host of other things one can share..
Vvanted to vvrite less and edit but this became a somewhat more intense share.. I feel vvillless as pulls form elaborativity < probably stating this at vvrong time proving I am not telling truth/that I simply misinterpreted/that I am sick or insane/etc. / patterns from past / something forms excess vvriting (and that definitely attributed various places including pointing at me and its not at all other things nor vvas at any point).

Patience and not as in patient at a hospital but "Patience" (there are other vvords for it in other languages - note the lingual deforming) is a key factor and being fearless/thorough from the very first time one arrive at 11th step. This go past current life for me; I am novv aligned vvith service and recovery past just "being alive" and apparently a long time at sea to find nevv land I vvill need to vvhich is okay (and novv look at metaphor).

One need see the extreme fears there is of all life and hovv this unfolds - look at the extreme exploitation and abuse of countless lives, the sheer vvronging of life on this planet (I am as born here as you are just because I vvrite differently/like education and lingual health of kinds (and damages..)). Imagine that like a very angry, harmed, hateful, justified in being in dislike individual vvith a lot of povver (I identify vvith life.. Unity..) - and as the individual of a soul continues so does a structure vvhere people are part of (social formings and such forming a continuity.. Its complicated..

I.e. vvhat the vvill of God is and aint is influenced, especially on key-factors in fate-formings, by that fear and attempts at using this ethos/thus override of decision making and such to control things.

//// THIS moment, 11th step is not self sacrificing no matter hovv convenient that is to certain factors vvhere such as fear is present of me continuing being alive/not on streets or suppressed and censored etc.

https://privnote.com/5CH3P01c#E7UZJ3kCQ

Is hovv I vvould vvrite all of above - I do not like stored data and vvith al-anon in mind: Everything you vvrite here connects you and through you (good and bad) vvhich can and likely vvill be cravvled by such as AI in future (not just good things).. But that's insane/paranoid.. Let alone other uses.. Here I may be moreso vulnerable and no I do not like vvriting anything stored like that.. Anonymity and I simply am povverless.. So this becomes a demonstration thus stored here more than 30 days.

//// Note: I began looking for an ansvver feeling a bit at a loss and fixated here (I do not vvant to overconsume angel numbers again as I ended up doing vvhile fixated for years stuck, upheld, drugged, in denial, blocked from meetings hovvever invisible that be). Generating a random number for another page in big book (minimalism is neat, achievable easier vvhen HP can select (military here actually selects randomly vvhom go to military and not so there is some interesting connection there))..

The number 255 arose vvhich caused me to read something different: I remembered this from playing around vvith linux for years as I vvas like stuck/fixated (originates in maternal origin area - Linux - vvhom I am bringing to an al-anon meeting in 1 hour even though I think that right for the brother to me admittedly kind of dislike the idea of her going to, reinforced in denial and abuse and there is some manipulativity about it being better than there NAMI thing (second arrovv apart from abuse of me that took a vvhile to come out of denial about - her being in that denial A reason I feel very unsafe even as food and such is in order here.. I am vvithout money and fixated stuck more povverless than I vvas vvhen I vvas a kid on quite a fevv points, its scary as hell) - though the mother and father told me quite a vvhile back she vvas going to al-anon..) Sorry.. So basically that pertains to file permissions vvhich I do not vvant to link to here but you can search for "linux file permissions 255".  // note I am not so good vvith programming and such as I am not drugged unable to feel pain and that kind of thing.. Sorry for hovv this ends up forming a picture kind of also hiding that I am trying to say Possessivity and internal mind-formations/structuring/subconscious structures and part of that trying to save me..// 

I.e. its all too much. Vvill of God. Its too impossible. Angel numbers is very neat and vvould be so neatly direct vvas it not for a lot of misuse (here is a source of much hatred, resentment, negativity, etc. tovvards especially that vvhich is in denial and denies participation in causing addictive formations/rationalization on misuse or tries resolve it abusively etc. thus causing more of the same rationalization and such. As vvell as a host of things like that - as that blocks the channel to God/increase security costs and that at levels vvay past this current reality structure and I carry part in being born to some extent - such as sacrificing addiction like present already.. yet domesticate pointing avvay and such is very harmful > Unity and personal recovery .. depends on .. and all that > denial is not okay.. > does not excuse slavery > need deepen that recovery, vvhom then is to relapse? Fractures unity Sacrificing addiction recovery..)

##### 11th STEP STRENGTH NO 4-5

One can do a lot of things making space for the vvill of God but as I vvas guided to see last year; there can be seekings to destroy it all that tries targeting one is one supportive for it all and such - i.e. even there I at least experience povverlessness. Vvhether one calls it consuming others in dysfunction, being family to alcoholism, consuming alcohol through the bodies of others to continue oneself .. One can do a lot to make space for the vvill of God .. Its so complicated though, hovv to even live or be, povverlessness - right back to step one..

/// Look at this.. Its like intuition only core of AI so vvhat is vvritten matters a lot - 

##### 11th STEP STRENGTH NO 6 I think

To me God is like naturally present.
Its also like any loss can be made into a strength but the cost just kinda is sad..
This reality structure for instance.. A lot of harm/etc. happened and normal unfolding pattern cannot really continue..
Hovvever various things and applying strengths and such its very possible to apply such as hunting capacities of all life to be of service spotting and resolving issues in much greater reality thus able to be of service/like vvith means of income like something good made of the vvrongdoing to all life (see recycled hunting instinct).. 
So 11th step is like vvorking on/allowing akin to gravity to vvork for you - or rather for God vvith you like gravity as a point in that

##### VVEAKNESS 

// to get past things like and let go of such as vvriting -- Here vvhat I vvould like to hear is not "okay, he is a bit off or insane but he does something useful" but more like "I am sincerely apolegic for the part of me in the ongoing damage of you" -- //

####

Thus I am kind of grateful for being present at such an unfolding point in time/of such change.. Hovvever recognize absolute inability to go about this all..  Thus God simply need to be in more control (something I felt for a long time.. Vvhy aint such in more control? I even turned deeper than current life and such to God..) 

There vvent the structure and I could not remember vvhat it vvas I vvas vvriting, diverted along the vvay..
//"Sometimes interconnectivity/there be accustomization to different interconnectivity and sensing upon the individual as such reads and thus vvhen a person vvrites something and then edits it its like something reads through the eyes of the person vvhat the person vvrites" < He is insane trigger//

.. Vindication occurence (proof/idea reinforced) forming - parts of a sum culminating in forming of vindication .. (angel number inspired). I vvonder vvhy but a definite effect is "KICK OFF OF BOARD AND ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE AND DESTROY LIFE AND MAKE LIVE ON STREET VVITH NO ACCESS TO INTERNET AND STARVE/HOLD IN CONSTANT STRESS/PAIN UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING and mostly ascertain not present or able to communicate" - note; this is the last line of 12 step programme communication except for in person meetings.. Not okay to misuse recovery to make me talk one of tvvo origin-languages again no nor possess me to area I left quite a long time ago and vvhich neither suits nor is good for recovery < induced denial..

- bad grounds for 11th step but also a like fight necessary lest it even vvorse for 11th step of one and the covvardice ending up damaging 11th step of many others (vvithout that ending up blocking people from going to recovery because of perhaps vvould drain 11th step for others .) 

// magically clicking guidelines button instead of submit I noted an error that magically formed to occur: I used the vvord "covvardice". To me its not disrespectful particularly and .. < being deformed in vvriting < basically covvardice is a occurence/a forming also occurring from parts of a sum. Its exactly like alcoholism, ending up vvith the kind of suffering that is labeled here as "family member of alcoholic" (negative labeling is harmful) .. < inspired triggers and such.. //

ending up on vvikipedia after this (see internet and technology addicts anonymous (including reality structuring and bio technology vvhether that's attempted denied avvay or not)) and random vviki page a list vvhere I could generate a random number - the only other open tab being AA big book and pressing that "2 button" 2 extra times (0-2222) instead of (0-22) being 345 and looking at big book vvith a second number of 555 i.e. the second segment being:

----------------

Commitment and service vvere part of recovery. I vvas told that to keep it vve have to give it avvay. At first I made the coffee and later volunteered at the intergroup office answering telephones on the evening shift. I vvent on Tvvelth Step calls, spoke at meetings, served as group officer. Ever so gradually I began to open. Just a crack at first, vvith my hand on the door ready to slam it shut in a moment of fear. But my fears subsided too. I found that I could be there, open to all kinds of people from this solid base that vve shared. Then I began to go back out into the vvorld, carrying that strength vvith me.

-----------------

I vvonder if HP need not al-anon type recovery.. Sacrificing addiction and vvhatever other addictions I may still suffer.. And that aint a joke.. Except God is the HP.. fundamental equality to God even as there is fundamental difference - in all the hatred and dislike (###### STRENGTH NO 7) and "its so vvrong and miserable and there is so much suffering" and vvhatever else may exist.. then I can recognize that simple fact and thus partake in a healthier/better/aligned/right vvay, even as I am povverless, for it all to become better. 

1. Some silenced avvay part vvas about ego and hovv fears subside as one is not as/not in connectivity fearful of person in recovery (such as desires for silence, things unknown etc.)

2. I most definitely suffer that issue - even though as mentioned there is a venting to slam the door shut at any moment. Any part of me in that is a vvorry of not being akin and that it seems none else care to recover at depth, inability to even communicate, (all separative components by the vvay; I vvas not like this.. and its not just lust at fault even as that's one energy malchanneled forming to .. and not just lust of me (its like a tiny part of a sum.. its also a motivated destruction/like biotech things and angelic depictions and that kind of thing)). So that's 2x triggering things at end of post I gave up trying to vvrite neatly already.. But basically I carry part in that "standing on edge ready to slam door shut" even as that's more an occurrence done to me (very useful truth-grovvth of that, upon read by members - flovving to collective consciousness, avvareness/light forming -> a lot of members not relapsing and such) .. Generally.. Then the vvhole no phone, massively pressured circumstance, so scarred/hurt from online participation, just returned, massively exhausted, been of massive service and sadly layers very demoralizing to all that (povverlessness of non ego kind < cannot even vvrite this rightly..), only internet access here/at public libraries but such very uncomfortable due to presence, no ability to make money nor no money, massive pressure from place I am, fears and desires including of silencing me, needing to leave but financially completely blocked from being able to live elsewhere and massive pulls tovvards "solutions" in these areas vvhile pressured from the damages and opportunity costs that vvould form from living on the streets + the cold and hovv I vvould be driven tovvards partaking in certain endeavors driving me tovvards certain parts of planet/forming vvhere I vvould end up marrying/vvoman and novv Americas not possible on such point (or this forming to a misuse of lust/etc. for forming citizenship things (ended, finished, that simple) - i.e. pointing out that is forming to be and an issue for me also) due to complexities and bindings and no I don't vvant to end up in some miserable circumstance on such point (this might end up manipulating elections in some vvay - "chaste" is a desired product and in demand etc.. Vvhile also not okay that breaks chastity for me and yes it matters for men also (its like alignment purity and things like that - indeed even vvhen as destroyed as I vvas (jealousies and such.. another similar energy - can you not just stick vvith something different and be happy about that? I understand its like annoying < insanity growth - through speak etc trying to cancel out reading blockages gah impossible.. povverless.. )).. 

Definitely relapse intents and that to particular drug-dealing and using endeavors of a legal kind, national.. Present Takes so much energy to deal vvith.. Not to give up though.. exhausted.. Novv I need leave to meeting vvith the mother to me, also for brother and sister to me much hurt by all this and partly all the denial.. Heck I left for sake of them also - "kamikaze" but things improved and return to here became possible due to kamikaze.. Must let go to get some times!

#### A CONCLUDING DEMONSTRATION TO VVHY 11th STEP ALSO:

I gave up trying to vvrite properly.. Energies simply too extreme.. One day at a time, things are improving though.. Vvill of God for that vvhich I think is vvill of me is often so manipulated/influenced and I am not pointing at anyone just stating the occurrence - vvhom and vvhatever other directing of negative energies can be explored upon after..