Have a good week, dot...  see you when you get back.

Good questions:

1. Sometimes we don't really want to look at ourselves very closely because we are afraid of what we'll find. We are afraid we are unloveable if we have faults and have offended people. We are afraid that we are hopeless and that we are stuck with our character defects . We are afraid that once we look we might have to do something to change and improve and we feel that we need some of these defects. We are afraid that Step 4 makes this program a commitment that is kind of like a marriage, and that at times we are in something that is more than we want or are comfortable with, and so want to stick with the first 3 Steps.

With these fears then, we don't want to look closely, let alone actually search for anything that is not totally obvious.  If some of my character defects are disguised and passed off as beneficial then I'd rather let them be. For example: if putting in a lot of overtime at work looks like dedication to my job that helps my boss, then that is better than if it is known that I am escaping from family relationships and have missed my child's birthday and my anniversary.  If my permanent frozen smile looks like I am happy and pleased with you then that is better than if it is known that my real feelings and motives are that I'm actually deceiving you to make you feel comfortable while I bite your back to get your job or your lover then I'd rather let that be, cuz if I pull the covers off that then I might lose those.

2. I'm so depressed I can't see the good in anything,, let alone 'others'. I don't see good in 'my a'.  I don't see good in my self. If I just do this inventory, finding fault with my self,,,  but blaming those faults on others,,,  like..  well,,  yes,,  I'm irritable a lot, but that's cuz of my mom,,,   I end up more depressed. And I'd rather that my Higher Power  remove their character defects.

3. Well,  I've dealt with a lot of my past resentments,,, but I sure am furious with the guy next door and his vicious dogs. So furious that I'm having all kinds of negative thoughts about ways to get them back, protect myself, and hurt them. I am really struggling with those and it is to the point where I can't concentrate on the positive things that are in my day today.  I think I need to let go a little so I can relax and do these other things,,,  which isn't easy because they really are pushing all of my buttons on purpose, renting space in my head, and intimidating me. I do have to deal with the situation,,  but I am getting ulcers this way.

4.well,,,  I do tend to do for others what they should be doing,,, 'could' is another thing.. sometimes people can't do what they should,,, and,, like,, my son is asthmatic and has rheumatoid arthritis and it is sometimes hard to tell the difference between the things he should be doing and the ones he could be doing. Sometimes it is just plain easier to do something myself. The other issue is, are they doing it right?  My family has always done certain things a certain way, and that's the way I learned and now my spouse, and sometimes my child,, or my co-worker do it another way. Very disturbing.

another thing is that my family were always very needy and dysfunctional people who didn't know how to love anybody, including themselves. The only way I ever got approval was when I was meeting someone's need there..  like doing something for my mother who was ill,  or doing something for my father when he needed help that my mother couldn't give, or doing something for my younger siblings. Otherwise no one cared about me and I was just in the way.  I learned to ignore my own needs and to 'justify my existence' by doing things for others.

Thank God for recovery. Now I only have to do what is my part to do. both for myself and for others, and to receive help also. And now my motto is  "do your best and God does the rest". I don't have to be constantly knocking myself out in trying to be all things to all people. I can help where help is really needed and I can do it,,, without worrying that everything will fall apart if I 'let go and let God' do what I cannot do.

love in recovery,

amanda