Kiana wrote:

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This step says: We admitted we were powerless over_________________--that our lives had become unmanageable. 

I think this is a tough concept for me.  It seems as though there are so many things to fill in that blank.  It also seems like I will never fully master this step.  I think that in order to work this step I need to remind myself of it daily...or even hourly...or maybe even more. 

I grew up in in an alcoholic family.  My dad was the closest A in my life but most of his family and friends were also As.  I spent a lot of time with my dad and his friends growing up...they would do things that I liked to do..RIDE HORSE mostly.  And because of that I was around alcohol almost always.  When I think of this time growing up in my life and try to apply the first step a lot comes to my mind.  I always felt like I was responsible for everyone and everything. When the adults got drunk, I took care of their horses and their saddles and their kids and everything.  Sometimes i even took care of the drunk adults...made sure they got to bed, etc.  Even at home I did the same thing.  I always took care of my younger brother...i pretty much raised him.  My mom was not an alcoholic but she was sick with my dad's problem.

Now when I try to admit that I am powerless it is a scary thing for me.  I have always been the responsible one, the one who took care of things, the one in control, the one with her head on straight, the one with the power.  I think it was the only way I knew how to survive.  If i was 'in control' i knew I was ok and that my brother was ok.  Growing up it seemed like that was all that mattered.  When dad would come home in a drunken rage, i took control of the situation by getting my brother to my room and covering him up so he wouldnt hear.  Then I would sit by edge of steps and listen to make sure he was not hurting my mom, even though I didn't interfere until I was older.  When I was 16 I stepped up in my dad's face to protect my mom for the first time because I needed to protect her too now.  I finally felt like I needed to step up.  I had to have the power.  I would try to stop my dad from drinking.  After he had been out, I would take care of him the next day.  

Anyway admitting I am powerless is a difficult thing for me, but I know i cannot heal without it.  So now I am working very hard to admit that I am powerless over alcohol.  I am powerless over my dad.  I am powerless over my brother, who has now become an a.  I am powerless over everyone else's behavior and decisions. There is just so much that I am powerless over.   I am learning that God really has control. God is the almighty with the power.  It is still hard for me to turn it over, but I know that I am powerless.

My life has become unmanageable.  I have been dealing with severe panick and anxiety attacks for several years now and they have become unmanageable.  The guilt and responsibility I have taken on in my life has made it unmanageable.  As a child, I learned to survive by taking charge and control, by pretending, by hiding my own feelings.  Now in adulthood, this is not an acceptable way to live and deal with everything.  I need to find a healthy way to deal with stress, anxiety, happiness, love, relationships, etc. 

I cannot live with the pain and guilt any longer.  I cannot allow other's behavior to dominate my life.  I need to start living for me!  That is why I am here, and that is why I am constantly reminding myself that I AM POWERLESS! I just learned the three C's, and it applies here to my working on step one immensely.  I DID NOT CAUSE IT, I CANNOT CURE IT, AND I CANNOT CONTROL IT!

Love in Recovery, Kiana

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Hi Kiana, acknowledging that we are powerless, it's a huge step.  Try writing down the different things that you are powerless over.  Then take one at a time and write the different reasons you are powerless over them.  Ex: I tried being loving and it didn't work, I pretended I was angry but it didn't work. 

My experience:  After spending years trying everything I knew to get the A to stop, I finally, simply, gave in to the acceptance that I had failed.  It occured to me, on that day, that there was not 'one more thing' that I could say or do that would make a difference.  At first I felt sad. Sad because I wanted him 'so much' to see what he was doing to himself, me and our family.  I grieved for our loss, thinking that if I couldn't help/make him change, then who else would care enough?  Then I felt anger.  Angry that he wouldn't listen to me and others, angry that I was in this situation and there were no solutions (that I could see). 

My strength:  Then I prayed.  I put my A  in God's hands like I had never before.  I told Him that I admitted defeat (I had never done that one before) and acknowledged that only He had the power to help us. 

My hope:  Then, unbelievably, I felt as though the world had been lifted from my shoulders.  I felt such relief that the burden was not mine anymore.  Joy filled my soul.  I was a new person, and again, I was happy within myself.  That was more than 8 months ago and I still have that joy.  Every day I remind myself that I am powerless over another human being and every day I remain free.  I have seen slow changes in my A.  Tonight we agreed to start talking about things that happened in our childhood.  This is the first time he has ever agreed to talk about it. 

I don't pretend that I'm not tempted to take my old role back.  But everytime it happens, it is for a shorter period of time.  I am still learning and that's ok.  It's progress, not perfection.  I see my God as caring, loving, and deserves for me to love and trust Him.  Hope this helps.  Char