Well, I've been around this MIP board since Jan 1 of this year, but have not really "worked the steps".  I think this is a good place for me to begin. 

1. I reflect back on how trying to "fix" others only got me in trouble.  I try to remember to treat others as I want to be treated.  For instance, I want to lose a little weight. If my husband keeps bringing it up, I start feeling rebellious, and want to eat out of spite.  It is my life and my body, and my decision as to what I eat or don't eat.  I try to apply this principle to my attitude about his drinking/not drinking.  I try to keep the focus on myself.

2. In cases where it would affect me, directly.  For instance, my husband is responsible for making our house payment.  We have separate checking accounts, and are each responsible for certain bills.  If he overspends, and runs short of cash to make the house payment, and will be charged a late fee, I start to feel like "loaning" him the money.  But, if I am honest, the reason he is short on $$$ is due to his drinking, or smoking.  He knows what day the housepayment is due, and should plan ahead for that.  I have to remind myself that it is his problem, not mine.  I used to get nervous around the 1st of the month, asking him if he dropped it off , if he had the $$$, etc.  Now, I don't mention it.  And if he says (as he did last week) that he was short on cash, I don't jump in and offer to loan him any money, and he has too much pride to ask me.  And if he DID ask me, I would tell him I don't have it, which I really don't.  The only reason I have any emergency cash set aside (in a secret account) is from not spending on things I want, while he buys anything he wants to.  He never skips a pack of cigs or a case of beer.  We had an agreement that he would pay the house pmt., and I was responsible for the electric, phone, some groceries, and my own gas, medical bills, etc.  It keeps the tension in our home down if I allow him to be responsible for himself.  It keeps him from turning into a whining child, and me from losing respect for him and for myself for falling into the trap of "parenting" my husband.

3. I first came into Al-Anon on New Year's Day, 2006.  After almost a year of extreme verbal abuse, abandonment, trying to force my husband into treatment, restraining order against him, domestic violence charges against him for something that happened while he was drinking that was an accident.  A hospitalization for me in the psych ward for nerves, numerous prescriptions for nerve pills for me. I thought filing charges would force him to get help.  All it did was cause a big family upset, and hard feelings between me and my mother in law, him and my daughter and son in law, other family members.  He lost his hunting privilege.  Our home was torn asunder.  Everyday was full of anger, fear, hopelessness.  Nothing helped.  I wanted to die. 

At the time I first found Alanon, I just wanted my husband to stop drinking.  I wanted him to come back home. I wanted to have our family whole again.  I wanted my daughter to forgive him (he's her stepdad), and I wanted to live a picture-perfect life I had tried so hard to present to everyone.

My expectations changed 100%.  I learned the 3 C's.  I allowed him to make his own mistakes, hand his recovery-or-not over to him. I quit treating him like a wayward child.  I turned him over to HP.  He did end up coming home on his own.  My daughter still has not forgiven him, and I don't know if she ever will.  I maintain a close, loving relationship with her (she's 30), my son in law, and her two step sons.  My husband is no longer a part of that relationship, as she does not want him around her or her family.  I have learned (and it was a hard lesson) that she is just setting boundaries for herself, and I am proud of her for that.  I have learned that having expectations only sets me up for disappointment.

4. I have friends outside of the A-couple friends my husband has.  I try to put some money aside for myself, should an emergency arise.  I post on the board often, read the board daily, if possible. Attend online meetings when possible, which, since he came home, is not very often.  I turn myself, my family and my AH over to HP every morning as soon as I open my eyes, and every night when I close them.  I am learning, slowly.  But, if anyone had told me Jan. 1, 2006, that I would be as happy as I am today, I would have thought they were crazy.  I still have bad days, but that is only human.  Alanon does not grant us total protection from pain or confusion.  But, it does teach us how to handle the pain or confusion, so that things get better, not worse.  I credit MIP for saving my life.  I am truly a Miracle in Progress.

Sorry this is so long....

Love in Recovery,

Becky1

1. How can I let go of others problems instead of trying to solve them? By placing ownership for those problems back with the people who have them.  I need to tell myself that I can't solve the problems of the world - heck, I have a hard enough time solving my own issues, never mind everyone else's! I need to teach the people I care about that they need to learn to take care of themselves - they can do it! (Even my kids - and this is soooo hard for me!)

2. In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people? I always feel responsible for the bad stuff - especially in care situations. So, if my son forgets a book for school or if my husband is upset that the house if messy, my immediate thought is, OH...I really should have anticipated this, taken care of this, worked harder at this - instead of thinking, Hey! Why didn't you think of it/take care of it yourself? It's your issue, not mine. If you need to figure a way out to remember things, figure it out, or deal with the consequences. If you think the place is messy, straighten it up!

3. What brought me into Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed? My marraige was really faltering, and I was contemplating divorce. I got into therapy and my therapist suggested that I try Alanon for my co-dependence issues.

4. How well do I take care of myself? I was doing better with this than I am right now, but, I try to eat right, exercise (really falling down on this), do something I like to do every day, and touch base with people who love and care for me in a positive way. I'm very slowly learning that I need to speak up, and sometimes it's ok to get mad and say what you need to say. This is VERY scary for me, but I'm learning.

Great questions. Thanks Dot!