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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Step Work -> Step Work -> STEP ONE from an Emotions Anonymous Member
Post Info TOPIC: STEP ONE from an Emotions Anonymous Member
ML


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STEP ONE from an Emotions Anonymous Member
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This is something I wrote some time back about Step One for me in Emotions Anonymous..









ML here....powerless over my emotions.... .just my personal experience.. ...not the 'truth' of Emotions Anonymous... .just my journey..... take what you need and leave the rest.....

STEP ONE: "We admitted we were powerless over our emotions - that our lives had become unmanageable. "

To me 'powerless over my emotions' means that I am without the ability to manipulate or stop my emotions any longer with any sort of happy outcome...that in my attempts to stop or control my emotions I am creating even greater havoc with my denial and suppression or my 'acting out', as well as experiencing other things like frozen-ness or numbness, my inability to identify the emotions, the fact that I make a mountain out of every molehill, I am over sensitive, hypersensitive, given to remorse, criticism, guilt, judgement, fury, vindictiveness, resentment, darkness and depression.. ..as well as panic, anxiety and many other forms of emotional difficulty.. ...sometimes all I am is rage or fear.....

I no longer know how to live with my emotions or 'act' upon them without my life becoming unmanageable. ...

and how can my life look and become unmanagable. ...I push people I care about away, I am always angry, blaming, pointing fingers at what others have done or said 'to me'.....I hold resentments, I have many judgements about myself and others...... ..I create havoc in my relationships with people....sometimes I freeze up on those I care about....I am an empty shell....or I stock pile resentment until I finally explode..... .or I beat myself into a pulp and become sickened with my own actions..hating myself and all that I think about and feel...my expectations of myself and others are either much too high or very, very low........none of which produces any happiness or serenity.... .

I personally have been given names and 'diagnosis' of certain mental illness....I can hide behind these or face them with Program if I want to 'get well'.....

In order for me to look at this and admit it is true about me without recrimination or self-hatred. ..to any degree....is by taking my first step by embracing Step One.....I can do this each and every day....and one day at a time...today is the only day I have.....so I can work Program just for Today to assist me in recognizing that I require the use of this Program to find some serenity and sanity.....

I am realizing I am human....and that I am not so 'bad' or alone....I am simply powerless over my emotions.... ...but Program offers me a solution.... .it's up to me to take it.....if I am honest about my first step, to the best of my ability today, I can then move to Step 2 and Step 3 and beyond...... depending on where I am in the Program..... .and start to work towards my relationship with a Power Greater than me who can and will help me to 'work through' my situation... ..


It starts with me being honest.......Yours in Program.......

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Vicky R


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hi ML welcome and well done for expressing all that you sound good at identifying your feelings which not everyone is hope you found it helpful to do that and will share again soon I identified alot with what you said here

llol Vickyr x



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ML


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ML here.....powerless over my emotions.....step one for me was about learning that I was and do use my emotions like a drug or vice versa and that indeed I am powerless over this.......it may make no sense, but for someone like me who deals/has dealt with anxiety, panic attacks, deep depression, suicidal thinking and other mental manifestations of 'illness' this seems to be the 'hub' of the wheel at this time for me. I had chosen, before Program, to live a highly charged emotional life full of conflict and contradiction. Much of my energy was spent attempting to control these raging emotional conflicts.


My reactions based on uncontrollable emotions leads/led me into unpredictable and often counterproductive behaviors. Some of my symptoms have included not eating properly (anorexic almost), drinking too much, partying too much, shopping too much, indulging too much in any activity often to exhaustion, analyzing too much, pity partying too much, isolating too much, experiencing too much inner thinking all about me-me-me or them-them-them, blaming, shaming, ego bashing (just to name a few) - which can then lead to more emotional ups and downs - all very distressing to me.......leading me further into isolation, fear and self distrust.


The downward cycle of emotional illness is pretty frightening and I bottomed out just before complete hospitalization.....but HP and Program have offered me new choices I can make.


The description of a 'dry drunk' is/was very applicable to my situation. I hope no one takes offense but this is very like what my behavior can look like without Program and surrendering my life and will to my Higher Power. I feel fortunate that I didn't complicate my emotional mix with other substances for long.......my mental illness however still progressed.......


It's okay now that I admit my powerless over my emotions. I am actually getting to know them better now with the help of Program. I am less afraid of them. I am more able to recognize them and give them a name and deal with them differently. I am more able to live at peace with them, and still go out into the world and be productive and less self-centered - all thanks to Program assistance and my Higher Power's guidance along with fellowship. I haven't had a full blown panic attack in a few years, nor have I had a major depressive episode......this I attribute to Program and my Higher Power.....


It's all one day at a time.......and today I am grateful........very grateful!


Yours in Program.......


 


 


 



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ML


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Posts: 58
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ML here......powerless over my emotions....as a post script......I have read other people's posts and want to add that I too grew up in an alcoholic environment. I too was the 'strong' one.


I always felt the need to control or be in control, particularly of myself.


I also came from a blended family that 'hid' this secret......but I was the only sibling who had an intact 'other' family from the 'past' and this also lead to conflicting emotions and loyalties...


There is much in my past that indeed makes 'sense' of my current emotional situation and 'illness' but still hasn't allowed me to truly 'live' as I have such issues still emotionally.


I am working on the premise now that it is me and only me that is at the center of my emotional health and wellbeing. What I choose to do is now for myself. This is why I embrace the Program. This is why I am willing to surrender to my Higher Power. All the therapy in the world hasn't healed my soul, but the Program and my Higher Power is making life 'possible' for me now to 'live in the now'.......and I know I have new things to encounter, gifts to share, and joy ahead.....even in this very moment........but mostly that I can rely on my Higher Power to help me to rediscover and enjoy life free of my need to 'control'........I also no longer 'live' my life in the past.....but in this present, rich moment......


Yours in Program



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