Further Quotes for EA book "It Works If You Work It" :

(pg 35) "Sanity may be an off-putting concept, until we think back on all the times we'd done the same thing over and over, each time expecting miraculously different results."

Since I was and am too fearful of using and I too am ACOA and codependant I don't think I had much of a concept of 'sanity'. No true yardstick. I saw other kids in families that seemed 'normal' but what would I know?

My life was based on a series of lies and crisis, on my own childish coping skills, and my inability to be 'free' or even 'grownup' in the situations. And I had had so many life 'situations' all through my childhood......very young parents who had big troubles, divorce, being juggled between parents, taken from one and 'kept' (based on judicial system) from another, ultimate abandonment by the estranged parent with no forewarning, lived with the completely functional A whom I worshipped, than a blending of a family where I was the only child of one parent in a new family of 8, emotional starvation and abandonment, told to lie about situation of family origin, etc.....nothing was 'normal' but I so wanted to be normal, sane, reasonable, trustworthy of my families 'secrets', - yet I wanted and desperately needed to be true to me......also desperate for love to the point of turning myself inside out for it.......I learned early to do the same thing over and over (try to win my stepmom's approval and love, and regain my dad's and live in peace with my step-siblings) but nothing worked.....talk about crazy making...

I finally left, stayed fairly clean and sober, divorced myself from all family, but found my emotions and reactions were always so big, dramatic, huge.....and that I acted out in other ways. Isolating myself from others, shopping, 'doing it all by myself', but these things worked as long as I did my life fairly 'alone'.

But as I aged and 'looked back' I found I would bump into the same impossible scenarios in work situations, and other relationships......almost as if inviting the family situation back in....hoping THIS TIME I would know what to do......I'd attended courses on communication, done extensive therapy, read every self-help book available, attended university.......just so I was 'prepared' to handle difficult situations yet remain me....pppppppsssssttttttttt........only to blow out my emotional and physical health in the trying. I also carried my family on my back like a turtle until I was 30, anxious for their approval and love....even when I didn't engage with them often.

I began suffering from anxiety, depression and panic attacks. All at once of course. Nothing simple for me! I'm sure many psychiatrists would have a field day with me and my 'diagnoses' would range the entire gambit of a medical dictionary on emotional illness. They did for a few years actually. I'm happy just with my GP these days. I also take some medication for the worst of the symptoms...believe me, this was a choice I really had to work hard with HP on......I was totally again medication of any sort.....but would a diabetic refuse insulin? We found a med that didn't 'blanket' me...and allows me to work Program and life in general. I'm hopeful one day I will no longer need any, but for now I am on the lowest dose possible after many years of different types (many quite strong) and I am pretty 'sane' too. For other fellowships I know this probably would appear unacceptable. But for me the challenge was to accept 'help', not keep rejecting it.....and pills etc. were a major no-no in my book....talk about a reverse struggle! I figure my HP didn't turn his back when they created this type of medication.  Just my 2 cents. HP knows I am open to a medication free existence - HP will lead the way.

Step 2 offered/offers me hope in understanding what 'sanity' looks like, and not try to 'create' it all by myself. It suggests there is a loving power greater than myself willing to support my recovery. It suggests that Power doesn't have to fit any forms or restrictions from my past or any other 'doctrine'. The EA Program itself is a box of tools for me to use too.

As written further on page 35 in IWIYWI book:"We realize that this step involves transforming our perception of reality. We understand that by following the program will mean leaving many of our egocentric behaviors behind and moving toward a higher, more spiritual existence. Step Two helps us envision this existence as being "restored to sanity", and in that statement we find hope for the future."

I love the April 8 meditation for my EA Today book:

"There seems to be a lot of contention about the concept of a Higher Power. Many easily accept the idea. Others find difficulty with it and blame their inability to acknowledge a Higher Powr on what they perceive as logic. When we apply this to Step Two we can see that no matter how we try to define our understanding of our Higher Power we will come to a point where our concept does not make any sense. This we cannot change. Can I accept my Higher Power on its own terms, even though my Higher Power eludes logic?

Meditation for Today

To you whom I call my Higher Power, help me to believe You can restore balance to my life. Help me to avoid shading my understanding of You by molding You to my own ability to perceive.

Today I Will Remember

To logic, the Higher Power is profound."

If I can live through such a deeply fractured way and 'survive', pre-program, then why would I wonder at the possibility of another way of 'percieving' or 'believing' (although trust me, without working program it's easy, I have a great imagination that I can use to scare the living bejesus out of myself with).....seeing evidence each and every day that others can have 'sanity' as well as the support of their personal HP's......especially through the example of my AA, ACOA, NA and recovery friends....that too represents sanity and hope for me.......

Over the years I have begun to learn the 'gift' of loving myself, just as I am......that my humaness isn't something I need to despise......all thanks to Step One and Step Two and Program in general.......

Yours in program........