"To you whom I call my Higher Power, help me to believe You can restore balance to my life. Help me to avoid shading my understanding of You by molding You to my own ability to perceive." (April 8 Today meditation)

ML here..........powerless over my emotions. Living in my head most of the time was a threat to my sanity.......the Program offered me a way out of my own little 'entrapment'. It says that my anxiety, panic, fear and other 'huge' emotions can be surrendered just for today by choice:

Step Three reads: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him"

Here is just my journey........Okay, so my head could say something like -oh, a MALE diety..named GOD..ehhhhhh...hum..but I don't believe in God or the logic that it/he is personified......those are the old bible tales.....the God of Michelangelo on the Cistine Chapel ceilings......the bloody tyrant of the old testaments....the 'war cry' God of all wars on all sides....all my 'old' perceptions....no thank you..

I can rationalize myself away from this step easily by activating 'old' thinking......

or I can see what I don't want....and then ask for a Higher Power, interested in my personal recovery to 'come in'.....and leave all my old conceptual thinking behind.....the Higher Power that created the things I love, admire, that bring me peace and joy....the Higher Power of the sunset, the growing seeds, the flowers, nature in general, the loving act of kindness from my neighbour, myself or a loved one......the 'goodness' in life......the 'little miracles' I see around me......birth, rebirth, growth, life and even death.....all remarkable in their way......

This step gives me the chance to ".....stop fighting and resisting. We let go and Let God". (pg 49 Emotions Anonymous self-titled book). Further on this page: "Now we have an opportunity to build a new life. We have faced our dilemma and know the more we deny or fight our feelings, the more the depression, anxieties, and fears close in. We have to stop trying to be self-sufficient if we want to get well. Looking at our lives we realized on our own we had not done such a great job. Since emotions are not tangible things, we must admit we cannot change ourselves by willpower alone".

Okay, so I come to a place of acceptance. It may even feel like apathy...but apathy is where I quit....I give up.....acceptance to me says - okay, here I am, I can stop the internal fighting just for this one day and try something different. For me acceptance means my willingness not to 'give up' on myself or court the negative thinking that "I am unworthy of healing".....that's the old 'itty-bitty shitty committee (excuse the profanity) in my head, trying to get my attention......Program gives me every reason to believe I am WELL WORTH IT! And it can quiet the IBS committee pretty quickly.

 After all Program restores me to my human self and takes the load of 'godhood' off my shoulders. My committee is all about me not being perfect, overly responsible, the creator of all things, responsible for all things....blah.blah.blah.....in othe words my perfectionistic choir!

For me the way I court my Higher Power is through the third step prayer, asking for support and guidance:

"God, I offer myself to you, to build and to do with me as you wish. Helpme let go of my self-centeredness, so I can better recognize your will for me. Help me overcome my difficulties so others can see how your love, wisdom and strength allows me to change. Thank you for being with me. May I do you will always."

Okay, in the beginning this was tough.....but worthwhile...suspending my critical, doubting, over analytical, cynical, self-absorbed thinking is/was challenging.........sometimes during the day I will simply get quiet too and say "Thy will, not mine" for a moment when I am in distress.....and that can help alot too......over time it has become a cherished ritual....and when I don't do my third step I SEE the difference in my day.....and my life.........

and I also starting courting the sense that maybe if I didn't know how to go about life in a new way, my Higher Power just might...if HP can make such wonderful sunsets surely HP knows where my 'colorbox' inside me is and what it's for.....I can follow the 'signs' if I listen to them and follow Program, fellowship and the gentle sane nudges in my heart.

Slowly and also suddenly a Higher Power has taken a presence in my life....it's quite remarkable for a 'non-believer' or a 'doubting Thomasina' and a perfectionist like me to see change, just one day at a time........

Yours in Program........