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Post Info TOPIC: Alanon Step 5 (10-31-2016)


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Alanon Step 5 (10-31-2016)


Step 5

Admitted to God, to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

. C2C page 125:"Recovery is a wonderful word. It means getting something back. Today I will try to remember that, that something is me."

Quote  Is from James Michener; "if a man happens to find himself. He has a mansion which he can inhabit with dignity, all the days of his life 

.

My Share

Step Five is an extremely important step in the process of recovery. I had hidden from the world and myself for too long so that in taking this Step I was finally able to have the courage to present myself to the world wort's and  all and trust that I would be accepted.

  Once I was able  to look at myself  honestly  and share what I  found with another, I was set free. I no longer needed to blame anyone else or to feel less than because for the first time in my life I gave myself the permission to be imperfectly human.  This step, restored me to sanity and to my humanity. It is important to note that this step asks  for the; "exact nature of our wrongs." I had to dig deep in order to find why I did what I said what I said in most cases it was because of my ego wanting to be better than to impress others, wanting to make people like me or most of all because I felt fearful  and did not know how to handle the situation

Step 5 Questions

if I have completed my fourth step, how do I feel about sharing details of my past with another?

In what areas of my past and by willing to be completely honest?

What are some of the advantages I might get from admitting my faults?

 Can I see that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be?

 With who will I share my fifth step? What qualities makes this person that I choose?

 Do I have any of these qualities myself? Did I do this them under my assets?

 How does my desire to perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally even after hearing my first step?

In working my first step what have I discovered about the exact nature of my wrongs?

What have I discovered about fear? Honesty, trust and acceptance?

 

    Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people?  When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? 

Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact?

.
  The next time a big feeling strikes - hurt, fear, anger, joy, blessedness, pleasure - call another person and talk about what you're feeling while you're feeling it.



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Betty


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If I have completed my fourth step, how do I feel about sharing details of my past with another?

I feel good about sharing details of my past with another, and I have learned to recognize people that it would be safe and useful to share with.  I would not share with someone who would be judgmental, hurt, or uncomfortable with some of my past information ... but I have met many people in the program that I would feel safe to share with, and I've shared some things with a therapist.  I might share different things with different people, depending on how much they have in common with my situation.  As an example, at my meeting the other day, I arrived early and there were only 2 of us in the room, and I shared with the other person how I had suddenly felt a lot of anxiety about some information my son had shared with me, and how my mind had immediately gone to the worst-case scenario.  The other person immediately responded that she had done the same thing and knew exactly how it felt, and we both laughed about it.  That was wondrously healing.

In what areas of my past and by willing to be completely honest?

With the right person (and certainly with myself and my HP), I believe I am willing to be honest in all areas -- relationships, decisions I have made, personality traits, past experiences, etc.

What are some of the advantages I might get from admitting my faults?

Continuous improvement. Self-knowledge. Avoidance of repeating the same mistakes again and again. Self-respect, as I can see that my faults may not be as bad as I had interpreted them in the past.

Can I see that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be?

Ha ha, I've always known I am not perfect:  not tall enough, not thin enough, hair too curly, hair too straight, too introverted, too socially awkward, too fearful, face too round, not athletic enough, too nearsighted, teeth not perfectly straight, not assertive enough, need I go on?  And more recently I have come to learn that some of my thinking was not perfect. I can quit trying to be perfect by loving myself as I am. I can acknowledge that some of my defects are not important and that other can be improved upon little by little. I can quit measuring myself by others' opinions that I have internalized.

With who will I share my fifth step? What qualities makes this person that I choose?

For now, I will share it here with the wonderful MIP community. It is so refreshing when people just "get it." Here there is a lot of recovery and ESH that makes me confident in being understood.   In the future I would like to find a sponsor to share in-person, who has been through a situation similar to mine,  can listen and share insights. 

Do I have any of these qualities myself? Did I list them under my assets?

I think I have learned to listen without judgment, for the most part, or at least to be able to respond to another in a way that does not make them feel judged.

How does my desire to be perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally ?

If I believe I am imperfect, and that imperfection is bad, then my self-judgment makes me believe that others cannot love me as I am.  I cannot accept another's love if I believe that, if they knew the truth, they would not love me.  

In working my first step what have I discovered about the exact nature of my wrongs?

Most of my wrongs are based assuming that my needs are less important than others', and that what others think of me is the most important thing.  I suppose this would be called people-pleasing, and it was based on lack of self-esteem.  I also had a faulty assumption that I could change or fix other people just by working really hard at it and never giving up.  I have since learned that these were faulty assumptions -- just as people used to think the earth was flat ... they didn't have the larger perspective.

What have I discovered about fear? Honesty, trust and acceptance?

  • Fear - It can be a good warning system that something is dangerous, but if allowed to persist for a long time it becomes chronic anxiety.
  • Honesty - I am in the process of learning "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it meanly." I think this is the essence of honesty, whether directed at someone else or at myself.
  • Trust - I am still working on this.  I think it is important to know whom I can trust, and whom I cannot. I cannot be as naive as I used to be, and yet I should not be excessively untrusting either.  Building trust in other people takes time and observation.  Can I trust someone else to take care of my best interests?  Can I trust myself to take care of my best interests?  I have observed that I can trust my HP -- as I define it -- to come through for me if I am patient and open to it.
  • Acceptance - I have grown in acceptance of the things I cannot change.  Acceptance takes a lot of work, because fear wants to creep in.  I am trying to focus on "surrender" rather than focusing on "power."  I just looked up the meaning of "surrender." I thought it meant admitting defeat.  Actually the first definition is "to yield (something) to the possession or power of another."   So it simply means "letting go and letting (someone else)".  I can do that.

Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people?  When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? 

I never shared my true self with anyone, or called someone to talk about something disturbing me -- until I was in the depths of despair from living with alcoholism.  From time to time I'd used therapy, which was helpful with certain issues, but never called a friend or family member. Never.  

Only when I was at my bottom, thinking I would lose my sanity, did I reach out. At that point, I was so desperate I had no shame.  

Now I have a small team of people I can call about issues -- different people are good at different things, but I can call them.  The last time I spoke about something like this was at an Al-Anon meeting the other day.  I didn't have to call, because the person was right there.  And it helped a lot.

Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself, then report it after the fact?

Then -- I would only talk about something after the fact, if at all.  Now -- I am willing to talk to people about what I am going through.

 



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Great share on this important Step, Freetime. It is interesting upon working this Step I too discovered that I often only shared about a situaion that I had faced and handled-- Today, with program, I can share the journey easier.
Glad you are here.

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Betty


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Posts: 17
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If I have completed my fourth step, how do I feel about sharing the details of my past with another?

I feel good about sharing my fourth step with the right person.  I have discovered some things about myself that I want to share and some things that I need to share.

In what areas of my past am I willing to be completely honest?

I feel that I am ready to be completely honest in all areas that I am aware of.  I am ready to face facts.

What are some of the advantages I might get from admitting my faults?

I will grow and change in a positive way.  I may discover that some of my faults are not as bad as I perceive them to be.  I may also discover that some are worse and need more prayer and thought.

Can I see that I am not perfect? How can I quit trying to be?

Living with an alcoholic for 24 years has made sure I know I am not perfect.  The question for me is how can I quit trying to be? I think the answer is to live in today.  To get what I can done today, or to act instead of reacting.  Prayer and reading on the topic are also helpful.  I got my copy of C2C in the mail last week and have loved it!

With whom will I share my fifth step? What qualities makes this person that I choose?

In the absence of a group and sponsor, I have decided to share my fifth step with my sister in law.  She has been a true friend for many years and lives in an alcoholic home too. The most important qualities I see in her are honesty, trustworthiness, and loyalty.  I don't feel like I could ever tell her anything that would cause her not to love me.

Do I have any of these qualities myself? Did I list them under my assets?

I do have these qualities. Yes, I listed them under my assets

How does my desire to be perfect block me from believing someone could love me unconditionally even after hearing my fifth step?

I have worked for a long time to appear as if I have it all together. At least in public.  It would be hard for me to believe that some people would love me after hearing my fifth step.  That is why I have chosen carefully.

In working my fifth step what have I discovered about the exact nature of my wrongs?

I have discovered that many of my character defects are character assets gone wrong.  God gave me an innate compassion for others and I have used it to enable and attempt to fix not only my AH but anyone else who crossed my path looking needy.  In the process, I have neglected my family and my own needs. 

I am also very decisive and outspoken.  At some point in this process, that asset has been moved to the defect side of the page as I use it to beat people down and just in general be mean.

God has shown me my part in many situations and circumstances in my life.

What have I discovered about fear, honesty, trust, and acceptance?

I have discovered that fear will drive me to loneliness and produce more fear.  Honesty may be scary for a time but always feels better that fear. Trust is something I give carefully to people but freely to God. Accepting the things I cannot change is a new thing for me.  It feels good and a little scary.  I am still learning to ask God when I am in a place where acceptance is the right approach instead of change.

Are you in the habit of sharing yourself - who you are - with other people? When was the last time you called someone because you needed to talk about something? Do you talk to people about what you're going through when you're going through it, or do you wait until you've resolved the incident yourself then report it after the fact?

I share myself with other people in a limited way.  Mostly based of common ground.  I do share my whole self with a few very close people.  I do tend to call someone when I'm in the midst of a crisis.  I want to talk it out. Sometimes to the extreme point of obsession.  



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Kim C


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Great share Kim. Keep on keeping on. Your growth is inspiring.

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Betty
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