drawing near to my higher power as i understand my higher power ...

Reading Al-Anon literature has a special place in my recovery because I grew up being told that what I saw, heard, felt, etc. was not real if it did not coincide perfectly in all details with what my parents wanted to be real. I was "safe" from that brainwashing at school and at church, both of which were places that (at least in my case) involved a lot of reading things in black and white in books.

Even before coming to Al-Anon, I was familiar with the idea of "Take what you like and leave the rest."  The God of my understanding calls to me and opens my heart through any means that will get my attention! lol  So I have grown nearer to my higher power while reading some things that may sound "odd" as recovery literature.

Before I came to Al-Anon, my mom learned she was going to die soon.  She lived a little over a year after that.  During that year, I was reading a lot about cellular biology.  Now, hey!  My last science class was at 19 and was way over my head. :)  But there I was 20 years later reading a cellular biology textbook which was also way over my head ... and being drawn closer to the God of my understanding.

I was extremely troubled and desperately searching for serenity.  My Higher Power allowed me the freedom to search for help wherever I thought I could find it.  Through one thing leading to another, I found that reading in a cellular biology textbook was one of the most calming and healing things that I could do.

At the time and still today, my perspective is this:
When I slow down and give myself over to what I am doing in the present, then I am in a state of mind where my Higher Power can heal me and help me to recover from the insanity around me and from the insanity in my own thoughts and feelings. 

"Slow down and live" is one of my favorite highway signs to see. :)  "Yield" is another favorite.  I need lots of reminders all the time; those signs help me recall what I have learned.

When I was reading about cellular biology, I *had* to slow down.  I *had* to give myself over completely (surrender myself) to what I was doing at that moment: reading about stuff way over my head and having to read it word by word and read a sentence over and over before going on to the next one ... much like when I first learned to read: so very happy that I could read even a few words.

One day, while reading in cellular biology, I read a few words that changed my life! The essence of the words was that if some cells in a developing fetus do not die, then the baby will be born with webbed fingers or webbed toes. 

Growing up, I had been around people who had webbed fingers and had seen they could still function ... but I'd also seen that they were seen as "different" to the point that some people didn't want to shake hands with them.  So I understood the benefit of not being born with webbed fingers. 

My mind just opened up at that point.  I was touched and healed of that desperate hurt and fear that I was responsible if my mom died ... no, I couldn't be responsible because early on before we are even born, some cells are having to die so that we may be born without webbed fingers or webbed toes.  That, to me then and now, means that my mom's death was part of the whole rhythm of life that includes the great mysteries of birth and death, of surrender and being reborn .... WOW!

I am grateful right now this minute that the god of my understanding grants me the freedom to follow one step to another and to wander from the usual path into "odd" places and still be led to the circumstances that will slow me down and let me live.  Will lead me to the circumstances where I may be (not cured necessarily but) healed over time -- or actually healed in an instant.

Grateful member of Al-Anon,
Sunny