Step Four - From Dot, posted by John

John · Member

Step Four - From Dot, posted by John

wallsal55 · Member

Yes, I tried not to be afraid of Step 4.   I did not rush into Step 4.
It doesn't pay to.   In the beginning, all I could come up with was I thought I was still a "nice" person somewhere underneath and I still had a sense of humor, but that was about it, and the rest of me was washed up and out to sea.

Later on , I found out my voice was coming back to me. I could speak again, not sit in silence. I could speak up again---stand up for myself.    Then I now can speak about my feelings and my ideas, and for the first time in many, many years, my now sober spouse actually makes himself listen to what   I am saying.   It doesn't matter any more whether he totally gets me or not, it's the fact that he is trying to understand my thoughts and feelings--that's what counts.

The good qualitites come back, one at a time, over time, slowly, (wasn't at my speed)

I would say in the beginning of our marriage, I had his "presence" and the presents. (candy, flowers)
Addiction takes all that away.   Now with his alcoholism under arrest again, I now feel I have his
"presence" again.   (I got something back!   That's what recovery means to me-getting something back!)    Yes, I get presents now and then, but that is not as important as it once was!

Vicky R · Senior Member

Hi Dot John and Wallsal ,

I was just looking at that quote you chose Dot ! the criticism might come from elsewhere , but it's a good reminder that this is not supposed to create a guilt-trip ! Yes you might go back a step or leave some of it until later on , and there will always be more to work on in any case ! It's important to remember to add your positive qualities and to share the inventory with appropriate others when you are ready . It can also be helpful to read and discuss the literature , recently I have noticed some paragraphs that lead me to study the programme in more depth , there is much guidance on step 4 which if followed would lead to a fearless journey ,

llol Vickyr x

From: Courage to Change - pg. 333 (copyright 1992 , by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Limited use by express written permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.)

" As I worked my way through Step Four , I listed my character traits as honestly and fearlessly as I could . I was struck by a great irony : Many things I had once thought of as virtues - taking care of everyone around me , worrying about other peoples' lives , sacrificing my own happiness and prosperity - turned our to be the causes of my misery ! And those traits I had always ignored , talent , optimism , self-discipline - turned out to be my truly positive qualities . It was as though , through the power of this Step , I had found a way to turn my upside-down personality right-side up "

-- Edited by Vicky R at 00:59, 2007-07-11

Katie · Newbie

I am very new to Al-anon officially, but have been doing lots of readings for several months. I struggle with this very thing. Thinking that taking care of everything (except myself) was a virtue, and not taking time to see it with clear eyes what I was doing to myself and others. Right now, I am still in the very early stages of this step. To be honest I haven't completely worked through the first one yet - some days better than others. But I see some light at the end of this tunnel.

Blessed · Senior Member

Step 4 "Made a Searching and Moral inventory of Ourselves."
In A.A. I did a 4th step, because I am A Recovering Alcoholic. But I too am a Child, sister, mother and friend of an Alcoholic. So the 12- steps work for many different forms of addictions. You just need to TRUST in God.

My first 4th step was 13 years ago. I had a Sponsor that wanted me to write my Step 4 like a Journal. For me it was very helpful to do it this way because I needed to go back into my childhood and be very thourough. It doesn't matter now if it was wrong or right I have stayed Sober for 13 years so it really doesn't matter.

I listened to my Sponsor. I went through 376 people on my 4th step, even if I couldn't remember there names I put down places where I met them. I took my responsibility in each circumstance, even in a rape situation where I was hitchhiking at 13 years old.

The running, manipulating, lyng, cheating, blaming, excusing, permiscuity, critisizing, gossiping, drinking, drugging and every form of sickness of the soul that I had.
They were all being laid bare before me in writting. Working in the Big Book and the 12 by 12 with my Sponsor. Then I would share it with this one person that I trusted on Step 5, for me it was my Sponsor at that time. I was going to learn how to FORGIVE MYSELF and FORGIVE OTHERS. That is what Step 4 and Step 5 are. It also sets the table for Step 8 and Step 9.

I have had to do my Steps several times since then over people, places and things. They were not very long. But it was necessary to my Serenity.
My 4th and 5th Steps today are a little different than what I was taught 13 years ago. They hold close to the Big Books layout.
Resentments, control, fear, anger, jealousy seem to be always behind my doing the Steps over again.
On page 449 in the 4th edition Big Book of ALcoholics Anonymous hits the nail on the head everytime I am upset, discontent, or any of the other form of caous in my brain. I need to read that page or pages about me wanting to control the stage and everything and everyone on it. It never works!

In the 12 x 12 (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions) on page 47 we had to smash our Big Shotism, grudges, revenge, and the like. We find out that we are really the one that is disturbed. We need to quiet the disturbance, regardless of who or what caused it.

Well I pray for all those that are doing there first 4th Step, it is an amazing feeling to release all you have inside that is waiting to "Let Go and Let God" have. That way you don't have to carry it anymore.

Love you all,
Blessed

Baffled · Member

This is going to be my first 4th Step. I'm hoping that balance will be revealed. I don't know myself very well and my focus has been on others people's needs instead of my own for so many years that I expect to learn a lot from doing my inventory. I thought Step 4 was going to be all about my shortcomings at first, then I read COURAGE to CHANGE and realized that it is also about my good qualities. I just have to figure out what they are.

Learn how the 12 Steps work. Participate in your own recovery as well as the recovery of others, by being active on this board as we go through the 12 Steps of recovery together! We discuss each of the Twelve Steps In the order they are written, one step at a time, every two weeks.