I am an alcoholic,

I knew I was an alcoholic for years. At first, it was a struggle to go a work week without drinking. Sometimes I would make it through the week but pretty much made up for it that weekend. The times during the week when I would give in, I would wake up hung over and smelling like alcohol and go into work that way. The first couple of times this happened, I told people it was my friends birthday the night before and we had overdid it. People stopped asking how I was feeling after a while.

When I was impossible for me to go a whole work week without drinking, I told myself I would only drink every other day. But that didn't last long. Before long, I was drinking every night; 6 to 12 beers and/or a bottle of wine.

I new I had a problem with alcohol and I tried every trick I knew to stop but the drive to drink was too powerful. I can remember driving home from work one day and asking the God of my understanding what it would take for me to stop drinking. Two days after that, I was arrested for drinking and driving. I accepted this as my answer. I continued to drink and smoke pot for almost two months before I was actually ready to say enough is enough.

I was at an AA meeting when a guest speaker spoke and I finally understood what the first step meant in its entirety. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." I knew I was an alcoholic, but never really thought about my life  becoming unmanageable. This speaker was saying how he didn't think his life was unmanageable because of his drinking. He had lost his house, lost his wife and kids, lost his job, had the courts tell him when he needs to go to meetings and see his probation officer. And it wasn't until a couple of months of sobriety that he saw how much alcohol was managing his life.

This made me take a step back and look at my life. Alcohol dictated when I got up in the morning, when I would leave work, If I was going to date this girl or not (if she didn't drink or smoke, forget it), when I saw my family and how long I would stay at a family function. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Alcohol was managing my life. And it wasn't until I realized this that I was able to take an honest look at myself and decide if I wanted to change this part of my life.

I am coming up on one year of sobriety Dec 21, 2004 and I am amazed that I am writing this. I actually couldn't imagine this one year ago and here I am today. This past year hasn't been easy, but only because life itself isn't easy. I am fortunate that I haven't had any desire to pick up within this year and I credit that to my sponsor, going to meetings on a regular basis and developing a friendship with the God of my understanding.

Thanks for letting me share.