Step Eight Al-Anon

dot · Senior Member

Step Eight Al-Anon

dot · Senior Member

Step 8 - When I finished my 4th and 5th steps I had most of my list made. During the worst 10 years we both lost our jobs and I followed the a where ever he or I could find work. He was drinking and I was enabling both of us to continue in the disease. Fear caused me to compromise myself but Step 5 had helped me get rid of the shame and guilt and now I had to put myself at the top of my list. At this point, being willing was not a problem for me. Family and friends had welcomed me home with open arms - no questions asked.

Making amends to the a was not on my list until many years after our divorce. Through the program I finally realized that I had taken personal responsibility for my actions but hadn't realized I owed the a amends for my part in the craziness. I was willing and left it up to my Higher Power to make it possible for me to make those amends.

Love and hugs - Dot

socalmom · Member

Dot, thank you for posting Step 8. I've been so busy I haven't made the time to share on the last couple of steps. I'm glad to have the opportunity to do so now.

For me, Step 8 means it's time to take responsibility for my actions. Steps 4 & 5 taught me how to love myself with my strengths and weaknesses, that I'm human, just like everyone else, and I make mistakes. Step 8 means that sometimes I need to say I'm sorry.

I've made direct amends to some people. Most have accepted my apologies with love and acceptance. A few haven't. They're still in blame and denial and used it as another opportunity to continue blaming me -- "glad to see you finally realized it was all your fault" kind of attitude. I've learned that some people are far along enough in their own recovery to accept my amends and move on. The ones that aren't, I know they're right where they need to be in their lives and their responses don't really have any affect on my personal recovery. My recovery is about me, not what others say or how they react.

For some people I've chosen to make what I call indirect amends. Because of where I am in my own recovery I don't feel comfortable, yet, at directly approaching them. Instead, I've chosen to change my actions towards them, being more accepting and understanding of who they are. Over the past year, the relationships have begun to change. As I continue to grow, perhaps one day I'll approach the issues more directly. Only my HP knows the right path for me and He reveals it to me in His own time and way.

Making amends has allowed me to forgive, release my resentments, and move on with my life. Today, I find that it's so much easier to look at a situation, accept responsibility for my part, apologize if necessary and let it go.

Peace,

Jane

amanda2u2 · Senior Member

wow, Jane, thanks so much for that share... I am seeing the Step in a new perspective now.

and thanks , Dot, for yours also... that is part of how the Steps work,,, is in people sharing their experience, strenght and hope in working them. I think we never stop learning and growing if we remain 'teachable'.

love in recovery,

amanda

Magichappens · Member

I tried to avoid this step. I figured that by removing my character defects and shortcomings I was making amends. I left out the word "direct". Facing those I had hurt and admitting my wrong in the situation, letting go of how others had wronged me and the justification for holding on to those resentments, was something I did NOT want to do. My ego wouldn't get out of the way of my growth.

If we aren't moving forward, we start moving backwards. That is what happened to me. All the progress I had made began to slip away. Pain is a great motivator for me. I no longer feel comfortable in my old roles and behaviors. I realized that I either had to work the steps fully, to the best of my ability, or go back to the insanity. Not a hard choice when the pain of being sick outweighs the pain of getting better.

I finally made my list and became willing to make DIRECT amends where ever possible. There are some I haven't had an opportunity to make, but I stand willing. Step 8 taught me that half measures avail us nothing. We have to go for the whole enchilada. Hugs, Magic

abbyal · Newbie

Step 8- Thank God I had 7 steps before this one, when I first came to Al-Anon many yrs ago I looked at this step and said " when Hell freezes over" will I apologize to the A in my life. Justification and rationalization had become a way of life for me prior to getting here, A few yrs later working thru the steps fear was removed with step 3 all I wanted was the insanity that I had caused over. Steps 4-5 made it perfectly clear what my defects were and my part in each of the resentments I had listed. step 7 was God's step all that was required of me was to become willing. I was really ticked when i found out that my amends list was my former resentment list , but was determined to do what it said. Many lunches with my sponsor helped me to see exactly what i needed to apologize for, she told me to keep it simple and short and above all to not attempt this until I was sincere. As I aproached the next step I always took God with me to make my amends . (never alone again) A part of me knew that this was the beginning of freedom for me freedom from my past so i could put it where it belonged - in the past. I had wasted alot of time waiting for my past to change. I am grateful for the willingness that a God of my understanding has given me .

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