I was raised by non-drinkers, the 2nd child of 5. Our whole life was centered on family and church, and I always felt misplaced. Because alcohol was never around, I became obsessed with the idea of drinking. When I was over at a friends house whose parents drank, I liked to smell the beer, look at the bottles, imagine myself holding a drink. At 14, I finally got up the courage to try a drink. It felt like a bolt of lightening hit me. Whatever I was trying to find, I had found it in that drink. I got drunk and blacked out that night. The next 4 years I continued to drink whenever I could, giving up all that was important to me. I had been involved in the music program at school...singing, dancing and piano. I had placed 2nd in state competition and my plans had been a music conservatory after high school. But once I started drinking, I gave up private lessons and used the money for drinking. I told my parents I had to concentrate on my studies and that I would work on the music after I got my grades up. They never went up because I wasn't studying, so it was always a good excuse.

At 18, I graduated school and couldn't decide what to do from there, so I got married. This was what parents and church raised girls to do, get married and start having babies. This was my attempt to conform to what I thought life was all about. I only drank on special occasions, birthdays, holidays... but everytime I did drink, I drank to the point of blacking out. All my friends drank, my husband drank, and I went along with them. Every job I took made it possible for me to drink even more. I had learned how to have a few drinks and stop so I wouldn't get drunk, just get that little buzz that I so desparately needed to be a part of the crowd. I would stop, but always wanted to keep on drinking. I had gotten divorced and remarried by the time I was 24, I had 3 kids by the time I was 28. I was trying to hold on to what I had, without changing my lifestyle much. I still had periods where I didn't drink, but I always found some reason to have a drink eventually. I thought that the man I was married to was the problem drinker...not me. I would stop drinking for a time just to say to him... see, if i can do it, you should be able to.

I found myself alone and scared at 36. I had shut out everyone that cared for me.. I went for months without calling my parents to let them know what was going on. I was ashamed of my life. I had gone to 2 AA meetings with the man I was with, cuz he was the alcoholic, not me. I tried Al-anon meetings, but I would leave from there and go straight to a bar. I would go to work at 8am(I worked in a restaurant) and pour Baileys in my coffee "for flavor". My house was a mess, I would get to work and get home, sit on my sofa and drink until I could sleep. My older kids weren't living with me, but my younger 2 were. I fed them pizza and McDonalds, I never had the energy to try to cook. The man I loved had left and said that it was because of my drinking. I didn't know what to do or where to go for relief.

I decided I needed mental help, so I went to the mental health clinic and filled out the paperwork to get started. I said I was very co-dependent and needed to learn how to let go.After the initial interview, they put me with the addictions specialist. She was a sober AA with 20 yrs. I couldn't really understand why I was with her, but I told her the truth about my life. After years of lies and pretending, I finally told someone the truth. I also told her that I had been to a couple of AA mtgs and I liked the people I had met there. She very bluntly told me that I had no business at an AA mtg because they were for people with a desire to stop drinking and I didn't have that. Point blank, she pissed me off!

For the next 2 weks, I would make plans to go to a meeting, drive into the parking lot, flip a u turn, go home and drink. I finally snuck in to a meeting and sat there quietly. I did this a few times, running out as soon as the mtg was over, until one night a woman grabbed my hand after and said...You don't have to drink between mtgs. I've been waiting for you for a long time. I went home and didn't drink that night. I sat up late thinking about my life. I was crying and hysterical, crying out that I didn't know what to do anymore. For some reason, I got down on my knees and said... God, I need help. Please help me!! I don't want to be alone anymore...

A calm warm feeling came over me...I was being comforted. I stopped crying and laid down on the sofa, fell asleep and woke the next day knowing what I needed to do. I went to a meeting and when they went around the room I said... My name is Cheri and I am an alcoholic. Then I started crying and some women took me out of the mtg and 12 stepped me that night. I have never wanted to go back...I realized that night I had surrendered, was defeated by alcohol, and needed help.

I found it in the rooms of AA.