I am powerless over much of what happens in my life. Much of my life revolves around other people and I have no control over their beliefs, actions, thoughts, words, values…I have no power over the appliances working, children having a good day at school, husband using drugs. I have no control over the children’s father being a part of their lives. I have no control over various situations at work. I have no power of the fact that my father didn’t want me, my parents got divorced, my mother put me up for adoption and no power over the fact that I was sexually abused. I had no power over my children’s father being unfaithful and leaving us. I didn’t have power over my husband having an affair when we were married and moving out two months later. I don’t even have control over my feelings right now. I sometimes feel powerless over my thoughts. No matter how hard I try to push thoughts out of my head, they return.

I have power (most of the time) over my thoughts and feelings. I have some power over my children’s actions. I have the power to do my best (or worst). I have the power to change or continue with this dizzying way of life. I have the power to take care of myself and my children. I have the power to make my own decisions. I have the power (or am gaining the power) to let go of the past and move on toward the future. I have the power to make sure that life for the children is stable so that my son does not have an increase in mental health symptoms.

My life is unmanageable because I cannot take away my son’s mental illness. I cannot control myself, at this point in time. My children’s behavior is a reflection of my behavior. I cannot manage my husband and his addiction. I cannot control my feelings and make good choices right now. I cannot let go of the past. I cannot get over the fact that my mother put me up for adoption and will not tell me why. My work is affected by my home life. My home life is affected by my moods.

There have been so many events in my life that were traumatic and I had no control over them. Growing up, I promised myself that I would control everything in my life and stop letting others make decisions for me and control me. It is hard to admit that I am powerless because it makes me feel weak and ineffective. You always hear people talking about taking control. I guess I thought that if I were in charge of everything I couldn’t be hurt again. All along, I have been hurting myself.