Stepwork

Learn how the 12 Steps work. Participate in your own recovery as well as the recovery of others, by being active on this board as we go through the 12 Steps of recovery together! We discuss each of the Twelve Steps In the order they are written, one step at a time, every two weeks.

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Step Work -> Step Work -> Step 1
Post Info TOPIC: Step 1
tlcate


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Step 1
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Step One

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

For me I half-heartedly understood this when first entering recovery. I understood it at a textbook level.  Not until I had hit my bottom did I grasp onto this step with all my heart, body, and soul.  I had just had a miscarriage, failed at my first 30 days of sobriety, my bf left me, and I was at an all time low.  The internal pain I was feeling was worse than anything I had ever experienced and I was ready for relief.  I had choices.  I could stuff my feelings, find the bottle and/or take another lover to ease my pain quickly and easily, like I had always done.  I had decided that I never wanted to be here again.  I could choose the easy path or I could choose a path others were saying would help me to fix the problem.  I was sitting in a meeting, having forced myself to go, in a group home of women alcoholics and one of them had a new born child.  I have cried in my life, but never have I cried like I did that day.  There was nothing I could do to stop it, no matter how hard I tried.  My world was crashing in and every word the speaker spoke was exactly what I needed to hear.

I surrendered.  I was willing to do anything to make it stop.  I did not just decide on the surface I was powerless, I admitted and accepted it with all my heart.  This is real.  This is hard.  It was time to pull my covers and get to know myself and the first step prepared me to do just that. For me, this step was not "fake it until you make it".  This step was pass or fail.  "Only Step One, where we made the 100 percent admission we were powerless over alcohol, can be practiced with absolute perfection." - Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Alcoholics Anonymous p.68 I was doing this for myself.  I had to do this without wanting to impressing or convince anyone else.  I had to be honest with myself like never before, because if I wasn't - the only person it was going to hurt was me.

I had a hard time with the word "powerless" at first.  Doesn't that mean I am weak?  I am strong!  I can not be weak.  I would not have survived if I was weak.  I had to be in control of everything and my success was based purely on my willpower.  It was my job on so many levels.  I have found this to not be the case, but something I believed that I used as a survival skill.  More than that, it is all I have ever known.  It is the way I was raised.  You have to be tough, you need to get the job done, emotions are not productive or allowed.  I am so glad I get to see a different way now.

My life unmanageable?  Until that moment of complete surrender - I thought "well, this relationship is crazy and I drink too much every so often, but my life is great.  There is nothing unmanageable about it.  I have managed just fine, even through this mess."  Then I fell apart.  Nothing about my life on the surface was affected, but I was completely devastated.  I knew if I stayed where I was, or just buried it and kept going, the next time would be worse.  I could lose everything.  I had to find an answer.  I admit it, my life is unmanageable.  Does that mean I am not going to continue to take care of things?  No.  It means that I am unhappy, I am not serene, I am a mess - and guess what...  I am the most important thing in my life.  Took me a while to get that part.  Once the concept of looking within clicked, it is like someone turned on the stage lights.  All of a sudden the concept that I may be at the center of my problems and even better - I could be the solution - was inspiring.  I had no idea how to do it, but admitting that I didn't have it all figured out was the first step.  Becoming aware that I might not be who I thought I was such an incredibly humbling thought.  "Before AA, I judged myself by my intentions, while the world was judging me by my actions."  - Alcoholics Anonymous. If someone said "Are you healthy?" the only thing I would have thought about was my physical well-being.  Being emotionally and behaviorally healthy wasn't even a concept that I could grasp, much less think of changing to improve my life.

All of a sudden, this was the prevailing question:  "Who am I, really?"  I had to admit that though I am a successful single mother and career woman, I was HORRIBLE at personal relationships.  It was time to take a look at that and admit that the problem just might start with me and not be everyone else's fault.  I wanted peace.  I wanted happiness.  I had no idea it started with me, but now it makes perfect sense and seems like the ONLY logical answer.  Even working the steps I tried to plan, control, predict - but I was told over and over to focus on the step I am doing.  I needed to fully admit, even more, accept that I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable and just be OK with that.

"We are powerless over others, and our lives have become unmanageable.  And for now that is all we need to be.  That's who we are, and it's good enough."  - Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps.

After my first round through the steps, I would look back on Step One and think, I did that . . . I get it.  I would hear others say "I return to Step One daily" and that just didn't make sense to me.  With practice I found that every time I would escalate anything in my mind - whether it be good, bad, anger, sadness, happiness, projecting, fantasizing - that returning to Step One was essential for me.  Now I do it multiple times a day.  Overwhelmed at work, facing parenting problems, relationship problems, just facing myself.  I am powerless over the outcome.  I can control myself most of the time, but there are feelings and emotions that I can't - and I am powerless over them and have to accept them as part of me.  It is my reset button.  It is my "pause when agitated" action.  It is taking a good long look at myself, my feelings, my motivations - and accepting responsibility where appropriate and realizing where I am powerless.

This program is simple, but it is not easy.  I found grasping the concepts and starting to put them into play in my life an easy thing to do.  Doing the work, the emotional work is difficult but so worth it.  Interesting thing I read.  Step One is the only step that mentions alcohol and focuses on the problem.  The rest of the steps are taking action.  They are working on the solution.  The program of recovery is a solution based program, it does not focus on the problem.

For those of you considering the steps but wavering, unable to believe it works, unable to grasp spirituality, dodging the concept of God.  I highly recommend this process.  I was all of those and more.  This is 100% a program that works and the wonderful thing is - you can make it exactly what you need.  As much as you need to heed their instructions, each step becomes our own personal experience that is different for each person.  I look forward to working and integrating the steps into my daily life for the rest of my life.  This has put me on the path of self discovery and I look forward to learning more about Tricia each day forward.  I have spent 40 years assuming who she is and just taking my lot in life.  Now it is time to live the life I want to live and soar as high as I can.  The light shines from within.

Tricia C.



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Desirae


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Thank you for sharing so open heartedly... I love it... reset button... so true God bless you for being here so we can celebrate in our recovery together

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sunflowergirl


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Step 1... In my experience, I have learned that I am truly unable to control another person. I can't place expectations on them, or hope they do anything because it is up to them not me. I am powerless over other people, places, things, events, future happenings etc. I am learning to not project onto the future and worry worry worry.... I am learning to detach with love from the A in my life. I am also learning that I can gain power to not let others take over a relationship, set up boundaries, and that I don't have to fall into the victim or caretaker roll...
I am truly powerless over alcohol, the A in my life and the only thing I can do is change myself... thank you!

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keili


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I am just starting this process and it is nice to hear that this can actually work.... it seems so scary to just let go, but im getting closer every time. thank you for sharing!

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diane


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This is my first day here and my first attempt at going sober, although I have wanted to for a very long time..At least every morning until about 6pm.. I am not sure how this site works but am going to read and take all advice to heart.

-- Edited by diane on Saturday 4th of December 2010 07:19:54 PM

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Emi


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Welcome, Diane!!!!  ...."we/you will come to love you/us in a very special way"...keep coming back, it works if you work it!!

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Emily May
failte


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hi have posted on step 2, but if I was to comment on step 1, I now see that I should accept that I am powerless to stop my son drinking, and I cannot control the amount of drinks he consumes, the nights he drinks, or the money he spends on it, I must accept I am powerless over his future and his decisions to drink, to sometimes not turn up at work, and the fact he has left home rather than live with me and not drink.

I must accept that I now need to find a way to heal over the loss of our relationship, as he is very angry with me right now, and i must accept that big changes have come to all of us, and I need to start looking after myself now, and set him free/loose to live his own life, I need to admit I am ashamed of him drinking, sad that he didnt turn out how I wanted him to, and that his life has come to this, I need to stop worrying, focusing on him, and to focus on me,

this board has saved my sanity, and given me a whole new perspective on things,

thanks to all those who are on here, caring and sharing, its much appreciated!

failte

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tlcate


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Hi there,

I responded to your other post in the step 2 thread.

tlc

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failte


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Thanks tlcate

i have read it and responded, hopefully we can get the steps started, maybe hang around a bit longer to see if any newbies join in or anyone for that matter, it would be nice to be able to do them, so heres hoping, as its really helping me, so well done! failte

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tlcate


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I will try to post a step 3 by the end of the day.  People will come.  If not - all you need for a meeting (not literally) is two people and a coffee pot!  LOL. JK.

But hey, I have my coffee and someone who is willing to share their ES&H with me regarding the steps.  I am all in whether anyone else shows or not.  I would gladly have open discussions regarding the steps and learn more every day with whomever will share.

Let's do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tlc

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failte


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Okay, will go get the coffee!!!!!!! even if someone else doesnt share, there have been many views on this so far, so its helping in some way, will have a think about step 3 and wait for you to post it!!!!!!!

failte

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hotrod


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Hi MIPs  I love the steps and know that recopvery is in them so I will again participate.smile


I have worked many Step Ones in my time in the program   The hardest part of this step has always been the" ADMITTING"  You see my disease is very manipulative and although I know many things intelectually my disease can  fool me into denying the reality of a situation and tell me that I have power over things and I can fix it, control it, manage it,  and be happy . 

In order for me to admit that I was powerless over alcoholism I had to hit a very huge emotional bottom.  I had tried everything.  My husband had been in 20 detoxs  and 2 rehabs .  As soon as he was discharged from the hospital he would start again. 

Nagging,  Pretending and Denial no longer worked.  My life and the life of my family was spinning out of control and I could not figure out what to do.   That is when I arrived at the doors of alanon. I knew I was powerless over alcohol but now what?  Surrender to this enemy and be destroyed. Run, what.  I knew that inside I was in trouble and that my life was unmanageable by me.  Alanon offered simple tools the steps for me to recover the only thing that was mine,  MYSELF

I Honestly could not take the First  Step without immediately following it with the 2nd Step. 

" Came to believe a Power greater than Myself Could Restore Me to Sanity."You see if I was powerless over people, places and things there was no hope for me,unless I had the 2nd step and a HP to lean on to believe that I could be restored to sanity. 

The relief I felt with that first surrender was freedom.  I will never forget the serenity that entered my being. 

Each morning I remind myself that I am powerless over people , places and things , that there is a HP (and I am not it) and that I have turned my will over to HP for the day.  I am truly grateful for this program and the tools that keep me sane.

Thanks for letting me share. 



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Betty
failte


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Hi Betty

thank you so much for sharing your experience, as you can see I am a newbie, so hearing from someone with your experience can and will help me understand, and I am sure will help others who are new too.

failte



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Desirae


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"We are powerless over others, and our lives have become unmanageable. And for now that is all we need to be. That's who we are, and it's good enough." - Melody Beattie, Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps. (thank you for posting that... it hit home)

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failte


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Thanks to everyone who posted on here, it all helps, for now and the next few days I am just going to accept that I am powerless over my sons drinking, and because of my son and husbands drinking that the last 3-5 years of my life have become unmanageable, and i am going to try to just be.

failte

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Desirae


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prayers to you... I relatively new too

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havingfaith


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I am new and struggling with my sons A, in regards to being powerless. If someone can explain the concept of continuing to parenting my child vs. I have mo power over this situation.

I understand I can not control his friend choices, only who enters my home and car. I get this. I get that I can tell him either he gets help or he moves out... I get this, I get that he gets in the car and I drive him to outpatient three times a week and I can control if he works the program...I get this

But as a parent of minor that continues to associate and defend a peer that we suspect is a co-user how do we sit by and allow it... do we listen in on phone calls and when he's talking to that person bust him on it... do we sit back and say we can not control his recovery...

Help me understand as a parent what to do when you see your child walking down a path of danger, do you talk to them and pray they make the right choice.. is that it, because his choices have not been appropriate in the past.

If someone could help me I'd love it. I already feel like I have erred in parenting. I don't want to continue to do things that are harmful to him or my possibly my other children.

Thanks

Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone

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havingfaith


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*mistype I understand I can drive him to treatment and I can not control if he works the program.

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failte


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Hi havingfaith

I am new as you can see, but my story is that my son aged 23 began drinking heavily 3-5 years ago, ending up in that he now drinks every night, leading to my leaving the family home, then trying to return but having to put him as I now refuse to live with him while he drinks,

some of the more experienced people on here will be able to help you better and you might want to post on the main boards too, but since I have been on here I have now learnt that I cant control the amount he drinks, the nights he drinks, or the fact that he drinks at all, having said that he is 23 so completely responsible for himself,

what age is your son? when my son was 15 and got in with someone who tried to push drugs on him, then I did take action and refused to allow him to see that person, talk to that person on the phone, or to be with him at all, I also rang the persons parents and told them he was giving my son drugs, his parents were horrified and didnt even know their son was taking drugs, you do have a bit more "control" when they are a minor,

I completely understand why you would blame yourself, I did too for many years, but I also learned on here that I didnt Cause it, cant Control it, and cant Cure it, please feel free to ask me anything about my experience,

failte

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Victorious


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Hi
I am a new comer and learning about this program. i appreciate you sharing your experience. I found it inspiring and helpful.
Thanks,
V




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Gentle Soul


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Hello. I'm new to the site but not new to AA. i am an adult child of an alcoholic and my dad has been sober for over 20 years now because of AA--so I know it works.But I gave up too soon and here I am again.

Its been about 3 years or so that I've been "out there". I only had 3 months of sobriety when I fell off the wagon but I felt better than I had in years even though it was very painful at times. Somehow my sick brain convinced me that I was not an alcoholic--i just liked to drink--a lot. I originally wanted to post to say that I'm not sure if I'm really an alcoholic. As I write these words though I'm realizing that I am confessing to myself that I am. But that sick part of my mind is screaming in the back of my head.."NOOOOO". I can just give up the hard stuff; live without beer? Are you crazy? You love beer, its your life!

But I know in my heart that I will drink the hard stuff again if I continue to drink beer. It might not be next week, or next month; heck I might even go a whole year without making an insane ass out of myself on a liter of vodka. (I mean who the hell drinks a whole dam liter of vodka by themselves for chrissake?) But I'm afraid new friends. I'm afraid that I'm only ready for help now because I'm terribly hung over and my husband is mad at me for freaking out last night. I don't even know what I said exactly, this happens at least once a month now and I'm starting to have more frequent blackouts each time I binge drink.

What's a mystery to me is how some days I can just kick back and drink a few beers (meaning less than 4), I can even drink like this for a few weeks and then bam, I get that itch to get stinking annihilated. I work very hard as a student I have an excellent GPA of 3.74, I tell myself this is my reward for working so hard the rest of the week; I wake up wanting to puke again--wasting a whole Saturday recovering. I laugh it off, remembering what my old boss used to say..."The thing I Love about hangovers it that at least you know your day is going to get better." Or some days like last week and today I tell myself.."I just can't freakin do this to myself any more, it's just not working anymore". I can only get that happy buzz 9 times out 10 now but I keep chasing it anyway.

I'm sick and I'm tired. I want a new life for myself...I want to be able to not worry about having a hangover in Chemistry Lab or any class and feeling like a complete idiot because I did some brain damage that I'm recovering from. I want to go hiking--I'm a freaking nature lover and I never go outside any more. I want to go to the meditation center and feel like i really belong there. I want to stop hurting my husband who is the best guy in the whole world and really doesn't deserve it,I want to stop isolating myself from friends and family because I'm ashamed of my drinking. Hell my professors love me, they have no clue that I'm an alcoholic. God give the strength to not drink. I'm going to a meeting tomorrow night. I will post to tell you all about it.no


-- Edited by Gentle Soul on Sunday 2nd of January 2011 08:19:19 AM

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prana_phish


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Hi! I am on step one, I guess, I like others probably didnt think I had a problem for a long time.Recently my ex contacted me and wanted to catch up and see how I was doing.I hadnt spoken to him in over a year and honestly since we broke up I hadnt really looked back.I mean I am successful in work and school, I have friends and family that love me.We both liked to party, and I knew I didnt want to live like that forever.I thought that not being with him would automatically make me not want to drink, but unfortunately that is not the way it has worked out.I hadnt really thought about it until now though.Pretty much I ruined my relationship by drinking all of the time, not coming home, fighting about anything.It was not good.But now, I have realized that although I am not a fighting drunk anymore, I am still a drunk and it scares the hell out of me.Its almost worse now because I dont have someone to look after me, make sure I get home safe, take care of myself, not that an adult should rely on someone else to solve their problems, but I have been drinking less frequently because I am scared of my safety, but its like even when I dont drink everyday now my tolerance is lower and when I do drink, I blackout and disappear from my friends.To make it worse I am living overseas on my own, and I have a really great job/school opportunity here that I dont want to mess up.I have realized that I cant drink at all, its going to have to be all or nothing for me, because sometimes I can drink a beer, or a few beers, but its not predictable, once I have a drink I want to drink everything I can, sometimes.Pretty much, I am tired of waking up with regrets and hangovers.However, being sober makes me realize that my drinking has caused worry and hurt to people I love, and that is hard to face as well.I realized that I dont know how to live a sober lifestyle, I feel weird denying drinks, and the social pressure of drinking surrounds me.I dont want to be socially isolated/awkward but I know I am going to have to spend some time alone reorganizing my social scene which means I may have to cut ties with certain people.Another situation is that alcoholism runs in my family pretty strongly, my dad and several members of my dads side of the family have been to rehab or are currently still drinking.My parents have never drank after my sister and I were born because of his time in jail/rehab for drinking.So drinking has always been taboo in my family.My parents never talk to me about my drinking really because they are happy that I am so successful in school and work, but I know my mom worries.I used to be a super health freak, did yoga/running/meditation everyday.I am hoping to get back into those routines.Well those are my thoughts for now, I have just joined this site and I am looking to talk to others who are on the same path and perhaps we can encourage each other.I chickened out of going to a real meeting tonight, but perhaps I can check one out soon.I havent had a drink in 2 days.I would like to talk to others who are going through this first part because I know that I need to change my mindset and behavioral patterns.Ok, take care everyone!

Prana



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Sally12


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Prana, I am a newbie too, to some extent. I had a therapist for a while and his practice was for recovering families. Not sure if I belong on this board or not, but here I go...

I am an Adult Child, Rape survivor, Co-dependent taking Step 1 because I am in a relationship with an A and I am suffering. His drinking has increased over the last few months (after he attended a 12-Step week long intensive) and I now find him lying to me. I am starting to check out the disconnects in his stories and I do not like my behaviour. I have a problem and know that I am powerless over him and his actions.

Problem is, we are roomates in a new town and I am not presently in the position to make a physical move out of our home. i cannot bear to live together while / if he is dating another and I see the signs that he very well may be.



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prana_phish


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Sally, good luck with that, first and foremost you have to take care of you, I understand completely what it is like to be in a new place and not know anyone, you want to make new friends, but its hard when you have this kind of stuff going on even if it doesn't show on the outside.  I am feeling pretty alone at the moment and I haven't been to a real meeting yet, I am going to see how many days I can go on my own, though I know other people will say that is probably not going to have the best results.  I have been estranged from my ex for over a year, and we are both still up to the same old, we are talking and its making me want to change and maybe him too, but its complicated and we are both taking a risk for major disappointment and heart ache.  That is why I think just worrying about myself at the moment may be all I can deal with.  Good luck, message me if you want to talk more!
Prana


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AliciaBobicia


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Hello all,


This is my first time posting on here and it is not till I read over these post can I truly realize I have a problem. I've gone to two meetings and made a friend, but I never got it. I never could admit I was powerless, I felt I still had control or I could at some point have control. I feel helpless and I guess thats good. I've finally hit rock bottom and have no control over my Abf and his sobriety. Its hard to admit that. Its hard to admit I have a problem. I just am thankful I stumbled upon this website. I would of went I dont know how long stressing over how late he slept, how many meetings he went to, what his work schedule was like so i knew when he'd be off so i could call him and make sure he wasn't getting into trouble, secretly looking for bottle caps, GOD I SOUND LIKE A CONTROL FREAK! but a huge weight has been lifted off of me just for saying that. I honestly couldn't help doing that. I wanted to control his every moment so that maybe his addiction wouldn't get the best of him. Im silly to think I can control it. I honestly am powerless. I guess..some advice some help whatever you want to tell me would be great. I'm completely new.


Thanksss Alicia

-- Edited by AliciaBobicia on Wednesday 5th of January 2011 05:23:18 AM

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Beograd


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Hi everyone. I'd like to join in on working this first step with you. I attended an AA meeting once a few years ago, but didn't stick with it. I now live in Belgrade, Serbia and there are English-speaking meetings here 3x/week. I'm hoping to go for the first time on Saturday. I know of someone who attends. He is going to be very surprised to see me there!

I'd like to share my story sometime, but first just wanted to respond to some of the people who have posted here recently. My youngest will surely be waking up from his nap any minute, so I don't have a lot of time.

Gentle Soul, I was just wondering if you made it to your first meeting and, if so, how it went. I recognized my college, pre-children self in your post. Would love to hear how you're doing today.

Prana, I also related to your current situation. I studied abroad in college and then went on to be a Peace Corps volunteer. I was out of control with my partying then. Those were the days when I didn't have to hide it. Actually, I didn't even know that I had a drinking problem yet because everyone else was doing the same thing. I finally started seeing it during my Peace Corps years. I remember all of my friends and family at home telling me how proud they were of me and how noble it was that I had volunteered for such a cause. Little did they know what an embarrassing lush I was.

Anyway, I'm a mom of two awesome little kids now and I have a husband that adores us. I am so ready to do this program. I wish I would have started ten years ago. I'm new to exactly how the boards work here, but I'd like to participate, support and be supported.

I'm happy that you're all here.


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prana_phish


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Beograd - are you able to access the meetings from abroad? If not would you like to see if there is another time that works for us where we can chat?

Thanks everyone for posting!

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Beograd


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P- I think I should be able to access meetings. Umm, haven't looked into it. Have you done it? Which time zone are you in? I recall reading something about on-line meetings, but that it would require that I be up in the middle of the night :( I'm 6 hours ahead of EST.




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arabrab


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I have a son who is a heroin addict and daughter who is an alcoholic. I got a call from my son's landlord yesterday that he is apparently using again. He is being evicted from his rental, living in his car, losing his job anyday because he nods off at work. I can not seem to find any inner peace and I am begging for help. I can hardly sleep and spend my days completely consumed with my children and how screwed up their lives have become. I attended 2 al-anon meetings in the recent past and felt like a blubbering idiot in the room. Everybody was supportive, but I am not used to sharing my feelings openly. My life, for the last 16 years has revolved around the addicts/ alcoholics in my life. I am hoping to find some inner peace on this site. I hear that I did not cause it, can't fix it but I need some help with that. I want to be a happy me again.

-- Edited by arabrab on Sunday 9th of January 2011 07:30:27 PM

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Stillalive2dream


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After me finally hitting my bottom, I finally accept that I am powerless over what other people do. The only person I can control is myself. I realize how sick I was now when I think about all the times I pleaded with ex to not drink or use. I would call all his friends to find out if he was ok or what he was doing. Even when I learned the truth, I would be mad for a little while and then forgive him eventually when he cried his crocodile tears. This is MY life. I am the only person that can live my life. Everyday I'm going to pray that the Lord up above gives me the strength to remain focused on my life and become healthy again.

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