Help in working Step 4

sheilainNC · Newbie

Help in working Step 4

tlcate · Veteran Member

Hello Sheila,

As you can see, this board is not frequently visited . . . hopefully we can change that! We are here to share our Experience, Strength, & Hope about the steps and what helped us. If you have questions, please feel free to ask!

Are you working with a sponsor? What 12 step program are you in? Have you visited out other boards? There is a lot more traffic on the Al-Anon and AA boards.

I am so glad you are here and will gladly share what I can about my 4th step experience.

Please keep coming back!

Tricia

Jerry F · Veteran Member

I'll support also!! How can we do this? (((hugs)))

Desirae · Veteran Member

I have been stuck on step 4 for some time now... it is not easy to dive that far into yourself... I will keep you in my prayers and it is ok to backstep... I start from step one every day

Jerry F · Veteran Member

How I was led on step 4 was to take my time...work it consitently but take my time.
The suggestion that I didn't get as sick as I got overnight and that I wouldn't heal
in that time also guided me into a consistent on going "searching" process. I did
the searching and wrote down what I found in order to build the evidence for my
personal inventory. I was led into the 4th (6 of them) with the awareness that I
would not be blaming people, places or things for my choices in the past. My early
sponsor wanted me to inventory the "good" about me also or else he would not
accept the written step and proceed to the 5th...I had to come from balance and I
was glad that I was asked to do it this way even though he refused to read it if the
negative out weighed the positive. I only make amends for the mistakes I have
done to others and I am not a mistake in myself.

((((hugs)))) smile

Rainspa · Member

I'll do it with you.

smile

Let's Go!

sunflowergirl · Member

I am working on this step now. Just starting to. It has actually been put on a hold a bit for the holidays. I have to concentrate on getting through the holidays before I can do this hard work. But I do understand what I have to do, so I am starting it.

Rainspa · Member

Step 4 can easily be done in an hour. And really, it isn't that hard. And it isn't as complex as it's made out to be.

Heck, for me the best part of the program is the first part of step 4 from the big book.

1. Get a piece of paper.
2. Get a pen or pencil.
3. Write a list of everybody and everything that pisses you off.

Leave some room. Skip a couple of lines.

Whee.

I love making that list, but then sometimes I'm kind of cranky;) I can tell you who I'm angry at real fast. 5 minutes tops. When you have to stop and think "Who else?" you're done.
Put down your pencil.

-- Edited by Rainspa on Friday 10th of December 2010 09:09:27 PM

-- Edited by Rainspa on Saturday 11th of December 2010 02:13:52 AM

hotrod · Guru

GREAT RAINSPA
It is that simple!!!!

That is the way i did it the first time as well. Having the courage to , look at myself, write it down and be willing to own the stuff without blaming was my first big growth.

I have done at least 3 other 4 th Steps in my many years in program.

-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 11th of December 2010 12:49:49 AM

-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 11th of December 2010 12:51:10 AM

Rainspa · Member

Ok, I wrote my list. Anybody else? Come on, this is simple.

Now we move on to another easy (and fun! ) exercise:

I've got 5 items on my list, but I'll use the Big Books 4 examples (paraphrased) instead of my own list, you nosey parkers:

It looks like this:

Mr. Brown

Mrs. Jones

Boss

My Wife

Next I get to write WHY they each of them are pissing me off*.
So now my page is starting to look like this:

Mr. Brown         flirting w/wife
                         told wife about my girlfriend
                         he may get my job

Mrs. Jones         Psyco. Stuck up & dissed me
                          Put my buddy in rehab
                          My Buddy! Be-atch.
                          Talks trash

Boss                   Unreasonable-Unjust-Overbearing
                           Threatens to fire me for substance abuse
                           On my back about drinking
                           and "misuse of company funds"

Wife                    Does not understand me.
                           Nags. Looking at Brown.
                           Wants the house and car
                           in her name.


*UK'ers- that's "Pissed off" as in angry, annoyed, resenting, hating, wishing they would die a horrible death on their Birthday (before Cake and presants), I think you get the idea.

So we've done our next chunk of step 4. That wasn't so bad, was it?

-- Edited by Rainspa on Saturday 11th of December 2010 02:11:19 AM

-- Edited by Rainspa on Saturday 11th of December 2010 02:12:13 AM

Rainspa · Member

Note: this is step 4, section 1 RESENTMENT. Fear and Sex will be along later.

So, now a little reading:

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

Chapter 5: How It Works pp. 64-67

Next up - What area of your life is this screwing up?

Hint: there are only a couple:

Security: Messing with your money, housing, job all those things that make you secure and not living in a cardboard box.

Self-Esteam: Does this make you look like or feel like twit?

Relationships: Getting along with others.

Sex Relations: Getting along really well with others. Or not as the case may be.

Okay, everybody play along. Who can guess what areas of life are effected by Mr. Brown? Anybody?

-- Edited by Rainspa on Tuesday 14th of December 2010 04:09:44 AM

failte · Member

Hi Rainspa

thanks for this, I didnt know what "security" entailed, and now I do and see it was causing me a lot of resentment, so I have been able to add that to my list, thanks again.

failte

sunflowergirl · Member

Rainspa, looks like Mr. Brown is being allowed to mess up every aspect....?

Rainspa · Member

Yup, Mr. Brown is resented for a reason! Couple of them!

Here's what we've got:

WHO                 Why we resent them:

Mr. Brown         flirting w/wife
                         told wife about my girlfriend
                         he may get my job

So, Mr. Brown is flirting with the wife?! Maybe the wife isn't quite so attentive since Mr. Brown came along. So the AREA of life that is affected is.....

Sex Relations. And hey, Self Esteem. This is not making this guy look good.

Mr. Brown lets the wife know about the mistress.

If you've ever been in a relationship, or seen one on TV, I think we can all figure this out pretty easily:

Sex Relations. Finding out about the side action is not going to make things warm and cozy with the wife.

Self Esteem OMG, the wife won't even talk to me! I'm a looser. And who am I going to take to the Company Christmas party?
(fear) And what if she throws me out? divorces me? Ahhh. This is scary.

Brown may get my job at the office.

And if he gets my job, I'll be unemployed and pay the rent ..how? I won't be bringing in a steady paycheck!
Security

He's moving in on my wife AND job? Not just a job at the office, MY JOB. Oh no. I'll be an unemployed looser! I am not feeling so sparky about myself.
Self Esteem

and this gives him lots of: (fear) ....And then I'll be out on the streets because nobody will hire me and I'll live in a cardboard box and eat cat food.

Now our 4th step looks like this:

WHO                 Why we resent them:       Affects my:

Mr. Brown         flirting w/wife            sex relations & self esteem
                         told wife about my
                         girlfriend                   sex relations & self esteem (fear)
                         he may get my job    security, self esteem (fear)

See, this isn't so bad. Mostly its like a little puzzle. Hey, we're on the third column! We can figure this out. Just fill in what it affects!

-- Edited by Rainspa on Friday 17th of December 2010 03:09:29 AM

Desirae · Veteran Member

Rainspa...lol You make me laugh at myself... I need that to get through this step...thank you...

sdisnie · Newbie

This was great....I liked this...I've been stuck on 4 too...still a bit confused on it all...but trying to understand it!

Rainspa · Member

We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong.

That sneaky Mr. Brown for one, and.....

To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got.

Yeah, so?

The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore.

Screw them!

Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves.

I suck. Screw me.

I know, I'll try harder, and work more and be better, and....

But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.

This isn't working. Crap.

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

And so I am screwed. Royally, totally screwed.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger.

How?

The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us.

But I'm good at it. And besides they were really, really WRONG.

They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

Sigh. So what do I do?

We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us.

Just because I think of Brown every day, all day and figure out how to get back at him? And I'm cranky and rude.....Ah, yes?

In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

Back to: "I am screwed".

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.

Rainspa · Member

Heck yeah, Brown is sick. A sick puppy no doubt. A sick little puppy on my brand new rug...

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too.
WHAT? Well Ok, so I am sick, but what does that have to do with it and how do I fix it?

We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

I'm gonna write that down on a little card and carry it with me. I'm gonna call it "The 4th Step Prayer for You Horrible Bastards". Too graphic? How about "Prayer for the Sick"?

We avoid retaliation or argument.
We do? Oh, yes, we do. This is going to take some effort. I am starting to prespire. This also means no revenge or "debate". Sheesh. I'm gonna have a lot of time on my hands.

We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

That's going to be a big job. What now?

Desirae · Veteran Member

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace - that where there is hatred, I may bring love - that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness - that where there is discord, I may bring harmony - that where there is error, I may bring truth - that where there is doubt, I may bring faith - that where there is despair, I may bring hope - that where there are shadows, I may bring light - that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved, as to love; for it is in the giving that we receive; it is in the pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

(This is a prayer that I carry and I'm not even Catholic...lol)

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