Step 5

tlcate · Veteran Member

Step 5

hotrod · Guru

Thanks Tricia for your powerful share I have previously shared on the first 5th Step and I have worked many others and I thought I would try to share differently on this go around.

My first 5 th step was done with much fear and trembling Admitting is a big word for me because it meant that I could not longer avoid my part in the happenings of my life by blaming anyone else, minimizing my part or justifying my actions

Admit brought me to that place within myself where I could not longer hide behind my old false tools.

The Step also asks that I reveal the "Exact nature of My Wrongs". The Motives behind my destructive behavior of manipulating people to do what I wanted, being kind to get my own way, having a hidden agenda and on and on These were all tools I learned in childhood and they worked as a child I found in al anon and working these steps that these tools and actions were destructive and the exact nature of my wrong was that

I was afraid to be imperfect

I could never let myself make a mistake so I took no risks

I trusted no one so I let no one close.

I tried to fix others and their problems so they could not get to know me and I felt better than them

I was angry with God because the world was difficult and I could not always get my way

I participated in gossiping, criticizing and judging others to feed my ego and feel better about myself

I loved to feed my self pity as another way of justifying my resentments.

I did not want to be human and have feelings because

I did not know how to own my feelings only how to react to other people's feelings had a ton of resentments within my heart because I blamed others for my mistakes I could not take responsibility for my actions and life I wanted to hide behind others and feel safe.These issues kept me focused on others trying to fix them so that I would feel better .

Owning these few very important facts about myself to HP, Myself and another al anon member was the most freeing action I have ever taken. I began to feel as if I was human and that was OK I did not have to be perfect nor know all the answers I could be perfectly imperfect and that was fine. I needed to become entirely ready to release these destructive attitudes so that I could learn how to Focus on myself, Take constructive actions for myself and become the person I always wanted to be but did not know how. Most importantly I discovered that I was not alone andmy actions were not Terrible just destructive to a healthy way of life..l How I acted and what I did were very human

This step is the beginning of a life long effort to focus on myself, see what I am doing to hurt myself, own it and ask HP to lift it.

I now willing do a 4 and 5 step every year around this time and am so very grateful for the opportunity

Thank you for letting me share.

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 23rd of December 2010 12:13:50 AM

failte · Member

Tricia thank you for your brutal honesty, you have provided so much to these steps while hurting carrying your own pain inside , but you have put your own heart out there for us to look at in order to help us view whats in our hearts.

I admire you completely for having the courage to sit with a pastor, and tell him of your inventory, I could never do that, for fear of pride or opening up to someone in a superior position to me, well, thats how my stupid pride would see it.

I want to think about all this and digest it before I come back and post again, so more later, just wanted to thank you and let you know you are doing something wonderful here.

Hotrod, I will read your post later and come back to that too, there is just so much to take in right now, God bless you both and thanks for reaching out.

Failte

-- Edited by failte on Thursday 23rd of December 2010 05:34:18 PM

-- Edited by failte on Thursday 23rd of December 2010 05:35:59 PM

Jerry F · Veteran Member

Aloha Tricia...you already have experience from the first one and with more attention
to detail the next one will be even better...the consequence more rewarding.

For me there are always 3 people present at my 5th steps. Two of them have always
been there God and myself. I have done 5th steps with several sponsors when like
you the need to do a more "exact" step arrives. I believe as I was once told that
the 5th is like shedding light into every nook and cranny of the "me" that I am so
that I get to know intimately the one person I have lived my entire life with and knew
little about...again me. Since I am the source of my problems the solutions are in
getting to know me and changing those things that need to be changed.

Trusting my sponsors was difficult because I felt so lowly about myself and didn't
know that I was "just human" and not so different than the other brothers and sisters
I trudged the road with. I got grateful that there was a condition of mercy and grace
and forgiveness that I could partake in and not without the other parties (God and
Another human being). I was told and then came to believe that I had nothing to
worry about other than being completely and humbly honest about my past choices
and behaviors and motives.

I found out that everything I was guided in with taking this step was absolutely true
and reliable; I came to trust the program more and looked forward to the rest of the
steps in my daily life.

The 5th step for me today is not a special calender event as I combine the process
of 5th and 10th steps on a daily basis.

Keep coming back...Grateful for the feedback. (((hugs))) smile

failte · Member

Hi Hotrod and Jerry

thank you so much for your posts as they really helped, I am going to sit with my husband and tell him some things about my own part in his drinking and to put a whole new angle on the fifth step if i am honest sometimes when my husband or son drank it suited me.

I was involved in something outside of my family life that kept me distracted, emotionally away from my family, I often felt guilty about this and though I had to see it through to the end I admit that when my son started to drink I kinda felt it was keeping him occupied and out of my hair, that I didnt have to feel so guilty as he had the drink to amuse him, it also kept him "down" and he wasnt as aware of my emotional absense, when my hubby drank it helped me feel less guilty too, made it feel as if life wasnt so awful for him as he had a drink or two to look forward to and I often used it as a kind of "reward" for them to pay them back for my not being present emotionally.

When I didnt want them drinking that was often out of my need to control my home surroundings as I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks so would be very agitated when they drank, I tried to control our home life to lessen my anxiety and did manipulate them both sometimes to make them stop drinking, others time even to encourage them, whatever suited me at that time due to my anxiety or my absence from the home.

then one day it was like I woke up and was free from the thing outside my home and suddenly saw that our lives were unmanagable and the drinking had gotten out of control, that the thing that I had used to ease my guilt had now become a monster in our own home and life and again I tried to control it or manipulate it because it no longer suited me anymore to have that amount of drinking in my life or home,

I know and accept that their drinking would have reached this stage anyway, with or without my influence, but I still feel I need to admit my part in this and I write this to help others that may struggle with this, as its quite common for a partner to stay in a alcoholic marraige because there is a pay off for the person who doesnt drink, its often seen in abusive relationships where the man/woman might want the other partner to drink because it keeps them down and they are easier to control, or easier to manipulate, that being said, it wasnt why I encouraged my husband or son to drink, I did it to pay them back for the awful guilt I felt for not being able to end the situation I was in, and for believing it was ruining their lives when really it was the drinking that was ruining their lifes.

I hope this post helps someone in some small way.

Failte

tracy · Member

Hi,
I have been wanting to do my step five for a few months now but could do with some suggestions. Does it need to be your sponsor. I decided that my relationship with my sponsor was not very healthy she has given me so much but her objectivity had gone and she had strted to direct me/control. I began to feel very uncomfortable and left my home group and joined another group , I am finally starting to settle. However this experience has shook me up a little. I have revisited my old meetings and do tend to make amends for just diconnecting when I get to steps 8/9. However I neeed to move on as she would shake her head when I had slips or was not meeting her expectations, I knew it was not al anon but felt I could not say nothing as she was an old timer. i have been looking around for a new sponsor but i am having problems identifying someone. I really do feel ready to do this step i do believe I am doing steps 6 and 7 already but really want to sit a do step five with someone. do you have any suggestions ror tips on how to identify the right person or how to pick a new sponsor.

thanks

-- Edited by tracy on Saturday 1st of January 2011 08:21:37 PM

Rainspa · Member

The book has a lot to say about who you choose to do a 5th step with:

Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 74-75

Rightly and naturally, we think well before we choose the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step. Those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must, and of course, will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it.
(I'm Catholic so my first 5th step was with a priest in the confessional. I had to use a calculater. It took a loooong time. Suggestion #1 = Priest)

Though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. (Suggestion #2 = Ordained Clergy by Established Religion.) We often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem. Of course, we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics.

If we cannot or would rather not do this, we search our acquaintance for a close-mouthed, understanding friend. (Suggestion #3 =close-mouthed, understanding friend.)

Perhaps our doctor or psychologist will be the person. (Suggestion #4= Doctor or psychologist)

It may be one of our own family, (Suggestion #5 =Family member, but with a lot of reservations) but we cannot disclose anything to our wives or our parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy. We have no right to save our own skin at another person's expense. Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.

Notwithstanding the great necessity for discussing ourselves with someone, it may be one is so situated that there is no suitable person available. If that is so, this step may be postponed, only, however, if we hold ourselves in complete readiness to go through with it at the first opportunity. We say this because we are very anxious that we talk to the right person. It is important that he be able to keep a confidence; that he fully understand and approve what we are driving at; that he will not try to change our plan. But we must not use this as a mere excuse to postpone.

When we decide who is to hear our story, we waste no time. We have a written inventory and we are prepared for a long talk. We explain to our partner what we are about to do and why we have to do it. He should realize that we are engaged upon a life-and-death errand. Most people approached in this way will be glad to help; they will be honored by our confidence.

Suggestion #1 =Priest
Suggestion #2 =Ordained Clergy of Established Religion
Suggestion #3 =Close-Mouthed, Understanding Friend
Suggestion #4= Doctor or psychologist
Suggestion #5 =Family member, but with a lot of reservations

(the blue text is me spouting my opinion & experience and doing some counting the red text is one of the many times "must" shows up in the Big Book. Surprise!)

Rainspa · Member

Step 5 Trivia:

"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another being the exact nature of our wrongs": Initially, it came from James 5:16 "Confess your faults one to another and pray for one another that ye may be healed." See Pass it On, p.128. But the phrase itself was written by Sam Shoemaker and also by Dr. Bobs wife, Anne Smith, in Anne Smiths Journal. See Anne Smiths Journal. One example is at page 32: "I must share to be honest with God, myself & others."

Edit: For those not familiar with it "Pass it On" it is one of AA's History books about the program published by AAWS.

-- Edited by Rainspa on Tuesday 4th of January 2011 03:17:16 AM

Desirae · Veteran Member

I don't really have anyone outside of al-anon... I don't even have f2f meetings so I attend on-line and love it. I have found myself a few people I trust on-line (yes it took a while) that I confess to very often. I also use the lessons I learned and how I learned that lesson (usually involves a confession) in my al-anon shares... to me saying I learned a difficult lesson because i screwed up and spill my reasons and circumstances feels like a confession to me. My next steo then, after becoming aware of something and spilling it to my al-a-family, is to work on tose defects of character... shed them from my life by asking a hp... which to me is mostly unity in fellowship... I am the kind of person that once I acknowledge something about myself... I can't go back to that old person without feeling like a complete jerk... so... because I don't really have anyone specific to admit my wrongdoings to... I turn to my al-a-family. Thank you for listening to what I have to say and being here so I can do so... I must make amends with those I have hurt.

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