JamesCT wrote:

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9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

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 I did a Step 9 last week... I wa sinspired by the step board here- thanks James.

 

It was a long letter- three typed pages.

 

I did a follow up on the Sunday night by email... and got an email reply the next day...

 

...this week I can walk round town with my head held high...

 

-David.

I did amends with my exAH and let him know that I was not the person I thought I was in our marriage and all teh complaining and blaming I did was unhealthy. I owned a lot of things that went wrong in our marriage and I asked for his forgiveness and he gave it. It was nice and freeing.

I am reading the yellow workbook.
there are stories in there from people who have done this. They talk of writing letters that never get sent to people they had harmed. such as example is an exhusband. the pain of bringing up the past may be too great for both parties and this may fall into the 'unless to do so would harm'.
The ammends is never repeating that behaviour. That is the self forgiveness part. No point in saying sorry and then going to confession and doing it all over again and then apologise again.

It talks about doing other things to address the past misbehaviour. I work as a drug and alcohol counsellor. I help people that are affected by addiction. I give money to charity (I stole alot in the past), and I never ever steal anything anymore. I have had affairs and I now tell my husband everything and refuse to have anything to do with 'other men' that he is not fully involved with at all times. Even a coffee. I will either say no, or invite my husband. It is not his rule.. it is mine, fully self imposed. Full transperancy and disclosure so I can trust myself.

I report domestic violence. I develop training courses and deliver the training to teach other people how to deal respectfully with people with addictions.

It talks about being willing to release resentments. This I am finding hard. I am not sure I am even willing to release the resentments that I carry yet. That is a scarey thing to do.

The workbook says we can lay down the guilt and shame of our past. I have alot of that.. funnily enough, I didn't feel so much guilt and shame before the steps, I feel more now, as I understand my part in all of this. I have been a sex worker, a thief, a professional helper, a fighter (good and bad) and taken drugs myself. I have also been a wonderful person too.

I can blame my parents for that.... but why should I? It is mine to pack away and never ever go back to. I abandoned myself and I must repair that relationship first I think.

My parents have been in this program since I was 8. I have never recieved a formal amends or apology. They seem to think giving me a 'good' upbringing free from alcohol was all I needed. I realise now that my parents still live in denial.

Perhaps I could do the same thing and reward thier belief that their ammends worked? Maybe I could just give them a big hug and say.. thankyou... I am doing ok now. That would make all of us happy and not threaten thier denial either.

Is that a step 9?????

 

 

This is a topic... Step nine.... it doesn't mean that I feel compelled to do one right here and now!

Like turning round and beating myself with a bigger stick.

 

My dad admitted to me he lived in an alcoholic home to some extent.

His stepfather cme to live while he and and his mum and dad were still together. The interloper was a practising doctor as well as a practising alcoholic. Dad said he would pee into a tin which sat under his bed and tip it out under the rose bushes in the morning.

 

That was one adult conversaton my father had with me! Bingo!