Met my g/f for dancing on Friday night.  In the 3 months that we've been dating; in fact, in the year that we've known each other; I have never seen her drink.  On Friday night she had two beers.  She is not an A and is a very responsible person.  However, I noticed myself watching how much she drank and wondering why she was drinking and what the consequences were.  I wanted to take the beer away from the table - leave her with just the bottles of wather that she was also drinking.  Then, I realized that I cannot control others.  It is not my place to worry about her drinking and to try to control it.  I was surprised that I felt the need to control her. 

I am new to Alanon and have been trying to work on Step One.  Family members and some friends are As in my life but my concern has not been so much on controlling them.  I have been affected though and I want to control those who are actively in my life right now.  It has been hard to admit that my life has become unmanageable.

Many have reminded me that I need to focus on taking care of myself.  My g/f and I are even taking a step back in order to focus on our individual needs.  But how to do that when it has been so easy to always take care of someone else instead?

My life is unmanageable and I have no control over the effects alcohol has had in my life.

Angelina

Thank you Amanda.  It is hard for me to let go of controlling the situation around me.  I understand this about myself and know that I need to do so.  It is my hope that as I am working through these steps I will begin a recovery that will lead me to who I am really supposed to be.  Not someone who uses control to deal with fears and insecurities.

Angelina

Well I don't have a sponser yet, but I do have a contact number of someone to call.  I have found a potential sponser.  I really relate to his shares I just have to approach him and ask and see if he is available. 

I've been really looking foward to working the steps.  I tried, then thought I should wait until I found a sponser, but I think my HP was trying to tell me something.  I just saw this board returned to Step1.  Today at my f2f Step Meeting they revited Step 1 because there were new comers.  It must be time for me.  I can revisit step 1 with my sponser.

When I first looked at Step 1, I though...heck yeah, I'm powerless, isn't that why I'm here?  My life was obviously unmanagable, so unmanagable that I was in despair.  Again, isn't that why I'm here?

The questions really made me think.  I guess that's why they put them there.    If I may I'll utilize some of those questions.

We read from Paths to Recovery. 

Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking?  Another person's behavior?

I thought I had but I had a revelation this weekend.  We had a 'intervention' with my wife's psychiatrist 2 weeks ago.   (not a real addiction intervention)  There I was asked to remove alcohol from the house, watch for withdrawals and to monitory her progress and report back.  My wife hated me for it and threatened me with divorce should I call the doctor. 

I refused to remove the alcohol.  I went against everything I was learning in Al-anon.  Plus it would magically reappear anyway.  I was powerless over keeping it out of the house.  I struggled with whether to track the usage and report to him.  Was this attempting to control?  Was this just concern for her well being since she should not be drinking on her medications?  Well I told my wife I wouldn't call.  So I faxed.  LOL   Put I did include a note that I didn't know if I would continue to do this.

She went for her appt.  I was fearful of the repurcussions when she got home.  I questioned if I was doing the right thing.  I found about 10 min. of quiet time.  I prayed and meditated w/ my HP.  I asked him to show me the correct way, to show me his will.  I told him.....her drinking is yours....if you want it take it.  HP, take what you like and leave the rest. 

She came home.  No repurcussions.  She mentions that me or someone called.  I admitted I faxed.  I told her that I told him I might not do it anymore.  That I told the Dr. that.  I told her that I would only tell the truth at her next addiction therapy session of asked, because I was asked to attend.   She said that she didn't want me to attend, and I replied, it's your dr. it's your business.

Here is where the HP kicked in.  My wife changed dr's.  She picked my children's psychiatrist.  Without knowing that I had spoke to him so that he know the environment the kids were in.  Both the alcoholism, and my previous poor dealing with it.  I thought that it was rather ironice that once I religuised control to my HP, he brings my wife to a doctor that already knows the deal.

The second affirmation that my HP was telling me he took this from me was her telling me about her appointment.  She did say that he would not give her sleeping pills because she was drinking and that they would not work properly.  She said, "I guess I'm screwing myself again."  Once again, I step away and there is a small admission to herself of her problem.  I know this has elements of Step 3 in it.  But for me, it was true affirmation that I was powerless.  I had to finally give it up to see the truth.

Wow this was long.  I'll do some other questions that struck me in a seperate post. 

Bobump

Another question that struck me. 

Do I say "yes" when I want to say "no".  What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this.

Ohmy.....I HATE saying no, I LOATH it.  I've gotten upset when my children ask for things that I can't provide, because I hate to say no.   Even the stupidest stuff.  My A had a habit of not getting up to for herself.  I hated it.  I'd wait until they go to sleep to get things done I wanted to.  She'd wake up and ask me to turn up the TV...get her a drink.  Would I say no?   No (hey I just said it).  I'd had a few ways of dealing with this.  None of them healthy.  I'd play martyr.  "I wait until 12 am to get work done and then you bother me", or I'd say nothing, do it and stew and harbor resentment after resentment.  I did things for the A that they could do themselves.   All of this because I just couldn't say no.  I had this people pleasing nature but in the same breath, I hated doing it.  Quite possibly I lashed out so much because I was upset at myself for not saying no. 

Have I sought approval or affirmation from others?

Well, I sure hope you like my post.     I've found that I do do this.  I'm not sure if it comes from a childhood where I got none from one of my parents or what.  I know I've found myself telling people things I did because they'd think better of me.  I've held things back because they might think less of me.  If I really do a good deed it should be between me and my HP.  I should not need a press release to that I can receive accolades.  Since working the program a bit, I'm doing better at this.  The best part is I have no power over how people will react.  They may affirm me, they may not.  I need to get affirmation and accolades form myself.  Why give others that power?

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them?  How have I tried to fix them?

Ouch, this one hurt.  After a few months in program, I'm seeing this pattern in my life.  How do I fix them?   In my A's case, I thought that if I loved her enough, she'd see what I saw when I first met her and change.  I thought that I could fix her self esteem issue.  She, like my mom was sexually abused.  I thought that because I grew up w/ that in my family tree, that I could understand her better and be better to help her than anyone else she had met.  I've been wondering lately that if those expectation were a root cause to some of our problems.   When I had all the answers (so I thought) and 'my' way wasn't followed, and things didn't improve, I think this was a source of frustration for me and an inroad for resentments to begin to build. 

There are more questions that made me think.  Maybe I'll work on those another time.  I'm grateful that this publication had these questions to make me really think about my powerlessness.  Something that seemed so simple, now has me thinking about so much to look at.

Bobump

2. Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease?  Yes and no.. Yes, I understand it is.. And no, part of me wants to think that if they really want to, they could stop drinking. Or at the very least go get some help somewhere..

Thanks, Lanee..

This is my first time on this message board.  I have tried working through step 1.  When I started coming to this webpage and then the al-anon meetings I had already accepted that I was powerless over my a's (husband's) drinking/drugging/behavior.  I do get that!  I get that it is a disease.  I deal with him by not expecting it to be an easy road, I know that when he does "fall" it does not mean that he does not love me, or that all is doomed!  I do get that in my head-- but sometimes my heart/emotions take over.  I love him even when he uses that will never change!

I have tried to change others in my life--my first husband to be specific.  Since we are divorced you can see that that didn't turn out too well! I never thought of it like I was trying to change him (my first husband or current husband for that matter)--I was just trying "to make life better."  I always say (said)  I love you, I fell in love with you, but that doesn't mean we are to stay in the same place and not grow.  My favorite live is from the movie AS Good as it gets--it says "You make me want to be a better man."  I guess that's how I always saw things--it's not that I don't like who I am, but if I found someone I would want to be a better person for that someone and vice versa.  Does that make sense at all?  I just thought of it as growing and maturing, but I guess it really is trying to change them.

When my husband refuses to be/do what I want I get depressed, hurt, frustrated, and yes probably angry too!  I don't understand why he doesn't want better for himself--but then I have to remember it's a disease and it's not that he doesn't want better something just gets in his way!  That is the hardest thing for me!!! 

I know I have absolutely no control over anyone or anything except me!! I do get that, but I still try to have control and I lose the battle every time.

Dawn

Lanee wrote:

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2. Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease?  Yes and no.. Yes, I understand it is.. And no, part of me wants to think that if they really want to, they could stop drinking. Or at the very least go get some help somewhere..
Thanks, Lanee..

---

Angelina,

One of the things I believe that causes so many of our ills and A's ills as not feeling, not dealing with feelings.  That is the joy of recovery.  There is pain associated with it, but that is because we stuffed those feeling away before and didn't deal with the pain then.  So much in therapy and recovery that I find that is positive in dhte end comes from dealing with those things we find. 

One of the reason's my A turned to alcohol was so that she didn't have to feel.  Some of us are just as ill.  We turn all of our attentions to our A's, so that we don't feel so many pains from our own feelings. 

Beginning to feel can be liberating.  Powerlessness is control.  When we give up those things we have no power over, it gives us more time to focus on those things we can control.  Real power.

As for fearing to fail.  {{{Angelina}}}  You can't fail at something that is a lifelong process.  Progress not perfection.  There will be slips.  With awareness of them, you be able to correct them and deal much sooner, taking positive action much sooner.  Baby steps.  Every every baby that fell on their butt worried about failure, we wouldn't no longer be a two legged race.

Bob

Need to take a step back today and review step one.  Do I admit to being powerless over another person's behavior?

I am powerless over others' behaviors.  I am powerless.  I cannot control other people.  I am powerless over them.  I need to remember this whenever I start to become angry, frustrated, or hurt because people are not doing what I think should be done.  However, I also need to remember that other people are powerless over me.  I have spent so many years with other people controlling how I am affected by their actions.  So much time with my emotions, my mental state, tied to others' actions.

So - not only am I powerless to control other people but they are also powerless to control me.

I can write this but at the moment I am not feeling the "Aha" I think I should feel.  The words are right but I don't feel liberated right now.  I feel tired.  So tired it is easy to be powerless.  Still I feel angry too - losing people in my life because their actions are sending them in different directions.  Either they feel they need to be away from me (exg/f) or I need to be separate from them (friends that decided to get involved with drugs.)

I am powerless over these people.  I cannot control their actions no matter what I wish they would do.

I have power over my own actions and I hope to have a growing power to control my thoughts too.

Angelina