What is my concept of a HP at this time?

I believe my HP is a loving being I chose to call God.  I believe that there are many ways that one can believe in and have a relationship with my HP.   Sometimes I see my HP as pure energy, pure light, pure goodness that will find ways to personify himself, much like he did by sending his son to this earth, so that humans could more easily believe and identify with him. 

I believe that my HP has a plan for me.  The plan isn’t written in stone.  My philophy since about 9th grad has been one where I believe in a combination of destiny and choice.  I believe our life is like a map from our HP.  He loves us enough that he gives us multiple choice to succeed and get to the intended destinations.  Some roads are harder than others.  Some roads are loops and bring us back.  Sometimes we miss our intended destination, only to be able to revisit it through a back road.

 

What would it take to allow my concept of my HP to change?

In a word, Alanon.   Alanon’s literature and principles allow me to have my own view of my HP.  There is nobody telling me that I will go to hell because of the way I believe.  Through everyone’s ESH, I’m able to learn how others have an open dialogue with their HP and I have been able to incorporate them into my life.  This has allowed me to believe more in the power of one higher.  This has allowed me to speak to my HP more…….and most importantly, how to realize when my HP just might be showing me something. 

 

Have past experiences affected my concept of a HP?  If so, how?

My past experiences, were really a lack of experience.  I had no real religious upbringing, my parents thought when I got older I could choose.  When I was young I thought this noble.  As I grew older, I felt like I had no grounding, no basis.  Maybe this was a blessing as it has allowed me to be very open to others beliefs in HP or HPs.   I see so much good in those beliefs that is similar.  That would give any of us moral grounding.  The curse was that it took me so long to find my HP, the blessing is, that I can accept God in many ways.

What is my concept of a HP at this time?

Growing up my mom didn't push me into choosing any particular belief system.  We held generic Christian beliefs that were followed when convenient I suppose.  My mother had been forced to go to Catholic school and such so allowed me to make my own choices.

As a teenager, after the traumatic loss of the person I was dating, I started attending a very fundamental Christian church.  There I learned about a God who is loving, caring and forgiving but who also expects his children to do as He has taught.  If not, then we are out of His will and therefore should not expect Him to hear our prayers or to forgive until we return to do as is taught.  The teachings are very conservative and require much sacrifice and a pretty distinct separation from the rest of society's way of life.  If this is not done, then a person is considered to be living outside of the will of God and therefore in sin.

So my concept of my HP is a God who loves me but cannot accept me in the lifestyle that I am living.  This is the concept that I am struggling with because I need to know that God loves me and that he will not turn his back on me. 

2.  What would it take to allow my concept of my HP to change?

I don't know.  I have been struggling with my concept of God for at least 4 years now.  I have made some alternative lifestyle choices and because I felt God is unaccepting of those choices my relationship with him has suffered extremely.

I want to know that I can pray for God's will in my life and not be required to give up parts of my identity and life that I value.  Parts of my life that define who I am as an individual.  Things that I like about me.

In a sense, I would need God to tell me, in one of his marvelous ways, that he accepts me for who I am and is not trying to make me into some completely different person.  I need God to love me for me and allow me to continue to grow in the direction I have chosen.  I need to know that God has not turned his back on me because of a lesbian lifestyle.

--This is a beginning to some of the work I need to do in Step two.  I sense that I may be at this step for a while though I will do work on the following steps too as the board goes through them.  And I hope soon I can have a sponsor who will also help me through all these things

Angelina

What is my concept of a HP at this time?

Something I am not worthy of.  Like many things in my life I am fearful and at the same time desperate to use what tools I have.  

What would it take to allow my concept of my HP to change?

 

diligence and persistence.  And of course patience a spiritual practice I don't have much of.

 

Have past experiences affected my concept of a HP?  If so, how?

 

My family of origin were "religious addicts". Their concept of God was fearful. I rebelled against that and became hopeless as a result.  Not that I should have complied to their every demand but as a result of rebelling I just ran away from what they had rather than created my own.

 

What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?

 

hope strength clarity

Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life?  How?

 

sometimes I don't make much room for it.

 

How di I describe the HP I found in Al-Anon?

sane 

What does Let Go and Let God” mean to me?

 failure

What does faith mean to me?

 my parents faith took over everything and was based on immense fear and a sense of retribution.  I think it was also a way for them to try to keep up with the neighbors personally and look good.  I don't think integrity ever came into it.  They had none.  So for me faith means their insanity. Of course I now as an adult have my own insanity but I think if its better than my parents I won.  As though it were some kind of a contest.

With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?

 

not very often at all.  I do read more and listen more to others talking about their spiritual experiences than I have. But a large part of me is still in rebell mode.  Both my parents are dead so I am rebelling against something that no longer exists.

What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?

 

companionship a belief in my fellow man rather than feeling so isolated.

What does “Came to believe” mean to me?

that it was a journey where I went kicking and screaming.  I think it also means that I had to seek help outside of myself.  I could no longer try to be in magical thinking.

 

What does sanity mean to me?

 calm, no fear.  A sense of perspective rather than impending doom.

How does the A situation affect my sanity?  My life ?

 

minute by minute, moment by moment dread

 

Have I allowed the A situation to become my HP?  How?

 

Absolutely and I try to confront this now more than I did.  I make it the cross I bear rather than a "choice".  I can put the cross down now and again after all.

How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the A's behavior?

 Well rage is very telling on my body and my life it takes up the entire space.

How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need?  Did I call an alanut member?  My sponsor?  Did I read Literature?  Did I go to a meeting?  If not, why not?

 

very very rarely.  I do contact other members but I choose the ones who can't be there for me. they claim to but they find a way around it. In that way I zero in on family of origin experiences. I set myself up to be disappointed again and again and then say see I told you it was hopeless.

In working this step, can I describe a step two experience to my sponsors, or my group?  In a written sharing? 

 

Being willing is a huge step for me. In the last few months I have become willing to change.  I have become willing to try different things. Before various situations swallowed me up like a whale and then I spent the rest of the time in narcissistic rage about them.

When have I done the same things over and over yet expected different results?  Magical thinking.  I can own that now.  I think I can change the world.

Have past experiences affected my concept of a HP?  If so, how?

Most definitely.  The fundamentalist background of my teen years through mid-20s has caused grief because I always expect judgment and punishment for my actions.  I see myself as a generally good person but I fail so I am not good enough.  I'm a lesbian so I feel unacceptable according to the God I was taught about.  I do small things that were preached against, so I am full of trespasses.  Therefore, the past experiences of the church fill me with guilt sometimes for just existing.  Sheesh, I was taught that I could die a sinner just for wearing pants.  I have been greatly affected by past experiences.

 

What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?

I hope that in creating a new relationship with God as my HP, I will find a loving God who accepts me so that I can accept myself.  I hope to find a God who shows me how to love myself as He loves me.  I hope to stop giving control of my life to others and by accepting my HP be able to give it to God.  I hope to grow and become healthier than I am now.

 

Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life?  How?

I do sense spiritual guidance in my life.  God has done and allowed to happen many wonderful things in my life.  There have been many people who have passed through my life and left me with good life lessons.  Some of those people were also at the center of major hurts in my life but I still learned or gained something from them.  That to me is a type of spiritual guidance. 

I have been in financial binds with little to no work and my God has provided.  Either the work became available or the money stretched to cover all needs.

My first car that I bought was at a price slashing sale for 88 dollars.  After license and registration it was under 500.  This was at a time where it was getting harder and harder to find rides to places and the bus routes were not always suitable.

Going back to school for my degree was guided by my HP.  I wouldn't have gone back when I did without the support provided by all my coworkers.  Without the flexibility provided at work for me when usually such flexibility would not have been provided.

How di I describe the HP I found in Al-Anon?

The HP described in Al-Anon appears to be a loving, accepting HP.  One who loves without judgment and accepts without strings.  Even if I struggle and fall, this HP is one who will help me back up.  This HP will not turn from me and truly cares for me when it feels that I am all alone and have no one to go to.

This is all I know so far.

What does Let Go and Let God” mean to me?

Let Go and Let God means to stop worrying.  God will take care of it in His time and I can go about doing whatever else needs to be doing.  Let Go and Let God means to let God take care of the situations that are making me crazy.  It means that what I can't control or change I can give to him and even it the situation doesn't change, I may change if I let God do the work.

Let Go and Let God means the possibility of sanity someday.

I realise the way I grew up with parents who had a fearful God has affected me tremendously. I can be in denial and say I was not affected by it but I was profoundly. There are times when I lean on God tremendously and other times when I will admit to trusting nothing but my own extreme skepticism and feeling like I will always feel  outcast and alone.  I have had numerous experiences that have led me to other views. Depending on what I am working on I can feel faith and at other times no faith at all.

Maresie.